,,,,,,,,,,          "WHY ME ".............

"MY God !, Iím pretty upset about this COPD CRAP!  Why did you let this happen to me?   I need  to be able to breathe to be able to do anything."  Even as I thought that, I knew that life doesnít work that way  just because
I want it to.  Lots of
people have COPD.

"Why me?" Somehow, I never got around to asking that question before I was diagnosed with COPD.  "Why me?"is a question I never thought about when things  were going well.

However, "Why me?" was one of the first questions I asked of myself after my doctor told me I had lost almost two thirds of my lung capacity.  That I would never be able to recover fully and  that COPD was a PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. "Why me? I havenít done  anything. God, why did you let this happen to me?"

 I did get pretty angry with God. Fortunately God is big enough to handle it. God lets us express our anger and still stands by for comfort and for strength.

Why me, God?

"Why not you? Are you any better than anyone else that you
 shouldnít have to face the failure of a part of your body?"

Well, of course not, God. You know Iím not any better than anyone else is.

("You got that right, Olivija")

Uh, yeah. But, God, I didnít do anything to deserve all this
mucus and nausea and loss of energy and coughing and SOB and.........

"You think bad things only happen to bad people, that illnesses and diseases are punishments I hand out for doing "bad" things?"

No, God, I know better than that. But I just thought this was
more than I deserved to have to cope with.

"Olivija, are you listening to me? "Deserve" is your word,
not mine.  Our relationship isnít based on you being good enough to "deserve" rewarding or being punished if you arenít good enough."

"I said that I would be your God and you would be one of my
people.  That means Iím here, whether your head is full of good thoughts or hung over the edge of the toilet.  Iím with you through it all.  Remember the night you lay on the floor between the bedroom and the bathroom?  I was with you then".

I thought that was my husband, who held me.

"He did hold you, but I was there with him and with you. Do you think youíre the only one affected by this?   He needed me too; He was scared!"

So what am I supposed to DO?

"Youíre not supposed to DO;  youíre supposed to BE.  Be who you are meant to be. Are you going to let SOB and coughing and mucus and exaustion make you someone different from who you already are?  Someone different from the person whom I know you are capable of being?   I'm with you and I'll help you get through it all."

My conversation with God didnít stop there. It is still going on  as I try to live with COPD as a fact of every day life.
And live with it I do because it is a part of who I am.

Why me? Why NOT me? It can happen to anybody. And it doesnít have anything at all to do with faith or lack of faith
or goodness or lack of goodness.  COPD just happens.

(Why it happens to anybody  is a completely different  question.  Iíll try to talk about that one of these days,
also )

Grace and peace to you.

0>> >>>0==========0<<< <<0

 We have no right to ask, when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?"
unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.
--Philip S. Bernstein

0>> >>>0==========0<<< <<0

  "WHY ME "
in retrospect

Dear God, I'm convinced there is a reason that I developed this case of COPD that I Have.
There is a lesson here, that you are giving me an oppurnity to learn, God.  Perhaps it is the
importance of life. No matter who we are or what we are, every breath is important.
Perhaps the lesson is that we must make life as meaningful for ourselves and others.
Even with the obstacle we have to overcome to  acquire that meaningfulness.

There are lots of people who have COPD and are absolutely unprepared to deal with the hand
they are delt.  Is that the reason God, that I now find myself in a position to feel what they surely
are feeling also.  Perhaps they are unable to handle the stress and they need someone they
can talk to who understands and will help them find their own answers.

When I ask myself "why me" Now, I can't help thinking "why me, God"  "What did I ever do
to deserve to be given the oppurnity to be of help to others."  "Why me?"
"Why did you give me the right words to say to ease someone's pain?'
"Why did you give me the talents you have given me?"
"Why have you provided for me finicially?"
"Why have you given me a wonderful husband who has stood by me through over 12 years
of this disease?"
"Why have you provided a loving daughter and her family who have put their life on hold
to help care for me?"
'Why have you let me constantly be able to enjoy my grandsons who are with me now?
My cup runneth over, surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
I have a kind, loving and forgiving God who understood my anger and helped me grow out of
the anger.  I am trying also to learn the lessons of this life, with the aids that have been placed
within my paths, as I walk through this liftime.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfullness, gentleness,
and self-control."     Galatians  5:22-23


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last edited 11-1-2000