WHEN CLICKING ON ANY MUSIC BELOW..... BE PREPARED FOR WHAT YOU HEAR SORRY ONLY PARTIAL LYRICS TO SONGS AVAILABLE . |
Ongoing Saga from Olivija, AKA 'Future Corpse'
All my past Life is mine no more The flying hours are gone; Like transitory Dreams giv'n o're, Whose Images are kept in store, By Memory alone. John Wilmot,
Earl of Rochester (1647-80)
|
FROM A FRIEND:
Before being a COPDer, I am a people, and
not just any people, I am me.
It is very important to me and very important
to you, that this is the way it works.
Sometimes I find it hard to keep what is happening
to me in its right perspective.
Especially if breathing is my primary goal for
the day.
You know what I'm talking about? Because
you've been there? Or maybe you're fighting not to be there.
If you have realized your handicap early enough,
you have a good chance of never being there. Unless,
you're still smoking and the smoking really means
more to you, than the air you breathe.
But this letter is not about smoking or how bad
or good our health is, or is not, at this time.
It makes a difference to me that I can no longer
do all the things I used to do.
If I spoke differently I would be lying.
But, I am still the person who used to do them.
Why am I saying all of this? Because Emily
was a ballerina, before she was on oxygen.
And Emily chooses to be a ballerina now.
We should applaud Emily and ourselves
for not resting too long or tarrying too long
on woes or grief.
Before I was a COPDer, I was me. And as much
of me that can, will always be.
freddie, on a golden day
.
Forever
Young
He got his wish, which was to be a tax deduction this year. |
|
|
TO ANY ONE WHO WILL SEND ME INPUT ON THIS ITEM
Subject: DREAMS and Videos
Date:
Sat,
8 Jan 2000 09:37:02 -0500
From: Boo-mistress
<o2@OLIVIJA.COM>
Dear Members,
Last night as I drifted off to sleep after saying
my prayers for members on the list and others, my last waking thought was
of an elephant sitting on a cyberfriend's chest.
Well, I had a dream of a "maybe cure" for people that this happens to.
Maybe after you hear the idea some of you could
give me some feedback on what you think of my "simple idea."
Ok!, here is the idea..... everyone knows that
when you take a great big yawn you get a good breath of air as you push
out
the co2 and intake the o2. Well we also
know that yawns are infectious. If you see someone else yawn, you
also will yawn.
You cannot keep from yawning. You
don't have any choice in the matter. It is an instinct we are born
with. Like babies are
born sucking and ducks are born swimmers.
So my idea is to get a video tape made of different people yawning, and
whenever we get visited by chest-sitting elephants,
we can play a video of people yawning and we can really get some
good air exchange during length of video.
What do you think? and how do I get someone to shoot such a video?
Just another tangled web unraveled in the cobwebs of my mind at 2 am in the morning.
Your friend in Pa.
The Boo Mistress,
Olivija
Blowing
in the Wind
-------------------------------
Subject: Re: DREAMS and Videos
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 09:47:48
-0000
From: Ron Peterson <ronpete@PRIMARY.NET>
This is a super idea and I will volunteer to do
the editing of tapes of people that they shoot and are sent to me and put
something out to whoever will volunteer to do the distribution.
Email Ron for address where to mail tapes to by us mail only please. UPS
can't deliver Sincerely, Ron
-------------------------------
Sunday, Jan. 9, 2000 Here it is 6:00 am and the time of morning I can get lots accomplished before anyone wakes up and disturbs my train of thought. Because sometimes my thoughts are like a run-away train on a fast track to somewhere and I forget how to get back. Lets get caught up on this thought train on just what i can remember about what I could not write about in December since I had a broke computer, which is the same as no computer. I had a wonderful Christmas. My baby daughter came home with her husband and my two grandsons ages 7 and 8. My mom at age 82 is in better health than I am. Still pretty sharp mentally. She is a lucky lady. She had a complete physical before she made this trip and the doctor told her he couldn't find a thing wrong with her and he tried to. LOL She is still living alone and said that she would never live with anyone else. Said she was too set in her ways. I sure will vouch for that. Santa not only brought me a new computer. He brought me a digital waccom tablet and pen and also a cordless mouse. Lots of new toys. I want to have some time to learn how to do some great art work with this tablet. It will do water color, pen and ink, pencil, felt tip markers, acrylic or oil look paintings, either opec or translucent. It is 12x18 so it is pretty amazing the color tablet and the paper selections are fantastic. You get the same results as if you did it with whatever medium you want. I really was thankful for this Christmas. I did so want to see the turn of the century and do a time capsule I have some newspapers and I have the new 5 quarters from 5 states and the last liberty half dollar of the century and some family photos from 1917 forward and some old costume jewelry, stamps and letters. I also have several floppies of my Web Site and more personal stuff. New Year's resolution is to try to do more around the house and for myself to lighten the load on my caregiver/husband. Another New Years Resolution is to answer more personal emails to people seeking help on the COPD list. There are so many more people out there seeking help and there just aren't enough people to give them the help they need. They are mostly overwhelmed and do not have answers as doctors give you no answers to your questions. Another new Years resolution is to write in my journal more so look for it more in the future. I will close for now with a welcome aboard for the ride through the year 2000. Hopefully we all are going to come out on the other side. . |
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to MacDonald's makes you a hamburger." "Real friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous." "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side." "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to." "Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." "People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross." "Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it." "Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?" "Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep." "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." "There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him." "Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked." "Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." "When it comes time to die...make sure all you got to do is die." .. |
|
Saturday, Jan. 15, 2000
Your visitation to my site is always appreciated.
I sometimes wonder what is going on in the head of those who drop in to
read of my life with COPD. Are you checking up on how long it will
take to finish me off? I suppose I will never know your true motives
any more than you will ever know what it really feels like to live with
a disease that you know is killing you. Sometimes I even think I
can feel my life seeping out of me, drip by drip. The life forces
slowly seeping away day by day a little less life force remains.
A little less lung function is present. A little more shortness of breath
is present. A more concerned effort to exercise harder. Eat
healthier. Research harder for new information that something new
has been discovered or invented to rejuvenate lung tissue or prolong the
life of someone with lung disease. Anything could have happened while
I napped, I think (or hope) but, that is just a dream from some drugs
they have me on.
No matter what I do or how I try to become involved
in other activities, it always comes back to this. This is the ax
that hangs
above my head, waiting to drop like a guilotine
blade to separate my life from me. Even today, 14 years after first
being diagnosed, I want so badly to be able to scream and shout and protest
that this can't be happening to me. I have to much to do, to much
to give, to much to take. With a normal lifetime and normal lifespan
there would not have been enough days to spend my energies. I'm too
full of it. Too full of life. Too in love with it. So
enthralled with it. I can still feel it out there calling to me.
I can even smell it in my nostrils, or is it only the memory of the smell
and feel of it. Well, no matter if it is real or only my memory of
what was, it is all I have left in what's left of my world. I guess
even after 14 years I am still stuck in anger. I know I passed denial
because the realities of the disease jump up and asault my withering body
constantly. I can't even enjoy the luxury of a good cry as I become
so short of breath that it is indescribable. It is not a pretty picture.
And if it wasn't bad enough for me, let me tell
you what it is like for some of my family. My mother and my brother
who live out of state are so glad that I have a wonderful husband who has
stood by me and is my caregiver. As that frees them up from having
the responsibility. Once a year at Christmas, Mom comes to visit
for a week and cleans linen closets and China cabinets and things
that the weekly cleaning crew doesn't do. My brother I never hear
from unless I call him. He is a very private person. I have always
felt I was stolen by gypsies and babies switched or something. I
have nothing in common with my mom and my brother.
My only son, born in 1960. I do not know
where he is today. The last I knew he was in Nashville and doing
drugs.
My oldest daughter is in the military and stationed
in Germany. She will not be back in the USA until mid 2001.
My baby daughter is married with a 7 and an 8 year old boys. They
live in Louisville, Ky. We stay in contact and she will come if I
need her and she has stayed here in the past to help. She needs to
be with her husband and her own life. My husband Donald is a saint.
I am not alone when I say this. Everyone says this about him.
I hate what he is loosing by being saddled with me. Remember this
is me saying this, not him. He goes to work, calls me throughout the day
to check and see if I am ok. Makes my lunch for me before he leaves,
fixes our breakfast before he goes to work. Comes home and makes
dinner for us. Does daily housecleaning. We have a cleaning
lady that comes half a day, once a week. Don helps me with my baths
and up until this week shampooed my hair until I found someone who will
come to the house and do it for me.
Recently the company Donald works for ok'ed him
working at home. They put one of their CAD stations hooked to their
company hookup here at home. We turned my dressing room into an office
for him, which was ok as I just moved all my clothes into closets and dressers
in the exercise room. Now Don is at home with me all the time except
he still has to go in about 10 hours a week at couple of hours at a time
for meetings with people in different labs. Most of the meetings
he just conferences with on computer at home. I feel like not only
do I not have a life anymore, I am condemning Donald to the same existence
I have to live. Why should he be stuck living like this. He
still has a life and he still has a strong healthy body. And that
makes me so sad when I think of all he is missing by being here with me.
He is so strong emotionally and every way. Why should he have to suffer
also?
O LORD PLEASE HELP ME LEARN THIS LESSON YOU HAVE
GIVEN ME. I know there is a reason for all that happens in our life.
Please god, give me the insight before all my mental capacities are lost
with the oxygen depravation that I experience.
Thank You Lord for another beautiful day. (even
though the temperature has been around 0 for days.)
|
|
![]() Poem written by Glenda Jones ![]() ![]() You gave me the sunshine that has smiled down
on my face so many many days
Don't feel sorry for me even though my
situation may not look as great
|
Wednesday, Jan. 19, 2000
Here I sit in the early morning hours genteelly
typing away at this keyboard like I really had something important to say.
Whether or not it is important has little
to do with the fact that it is good cheap therapy
to keep me from going off the deep end. (If you know what I mean, Jelly
Bean) I feel so up some days and really enjoy just sitting here at my keyboard
typing away or practicing on my graphics tablet. Trying to become
proficient as a computerized graphics artist.
Also, there are so many novels and interesting
things to read that I can never read all I want to read. There are
so many projects like finishing my embroidered tapestry that is about 3/4
done. It is large enough for a queen size bed. I also have
purchased material to cover a bed/couch in the exercise room that I have
ne idea when I will get around to finish it.
I guess I will have to live at least another 5 to 10 years to finish all
these projects. I also would like to get back to some water and acrylic
painting, that I have not had time to do in a long time. A peek at
my Artist Page if you want
to look. Projects like this and all the other creative things I want to
do, keep my spirits up and make staying at home all the time not so bad.
I do like going outside though and I just despise
winter time. It is 20 something degrees F outside tonight and they say
we will have snow on the ground when we wake up in the morning. This
is not good news to me. I am a warm bloodied animal and I hate the
cold. So I have to stay inside most of the winter months. This
is when depression, cabin fever or panic sets in. Doesn't matter
what you call it, it is not a pretty picture, and it all has the same result.
A real bummer to deal with. One of the
things that no one usually talks about or they just skim over is what does
it feel like to be dying. To live with a disease and watch it age
you faster than others around you are aging. To watch your energy
level drain right out of you. To know you even have trouble standing
up washing dishes. To know you have to
have someone else wash your hair for you and you have to have help more
often than not with your bath.
Very, Very often I get into my pity parties and
think how sad it is that such a sweet, charming, witty, talented and beautiful
person like myself (tee hee) could
be laid to waste by this gosh-awful disease of
COPD.
But I find my salvation of feeling sorry for
myself in looking at things from a different perspective. I have
to look at things from the cup is still half full rather than it is half
empty. I have so much to be thankful for. I cannot afford the
luxury of weeping over what I do not have. I must find reason to
rejoice in all I do have.
I know that there is a reason for all that happens
in a persons life. It is up to me to try to find out why my life
is as it is. In some low points in my pity parties, from the past
I can remember thinking "what did I ever do to deserve this?" Then
I had to stop in mid thought and rethink that thought. How could
I ask that question without asking the same thing about all the wonderful
things that have happened in my life that are too numerous to mention here.
I have had more
wonderful things happen to me I know than I could
ever deserve. So deserve is not a word that applies in either the
good or the bad that have happened to us in our life. Things just
happen and it is up to us to figure out our own life and how to live it
with the cards that are dealt us.
Another point that has been on my mind a lot
lately is people treating others unkind. It is happening to me now
and has been for a while. I do not know if the person is even aware
that they hurt my feelings. I understand that others have had their
feelings hurt also, by this person. I really would like to believe
that they
were oblivious to their unkind handling of other
people, rather than think it was intentional or non caring. Anyway
I have just been ignoring the problem, because I did not want to upset
myself by confronting the person or getting into a confrontation with them.
I suppose avoidance is the answer for now.
I will wait and see if any of my faithful followers
have a solution for me on this one. Mail your ideas on how to handle
this problem to here to me..
I want all who read this that I do not know how
anyone could live with this without a belief system that is strong enough
to sustain them. A desire to keep
living, and a reason to live. For all of
you out there who are recently getting diagnosed with COPD/Emphysema, let
me tell you this. You have lots of good years ahead of you if you
do a few basic things to insure it. You must stop smoking immediately.
Exercise, exercise exercise. They can't bury you if you are moving.
Get a good pulmonary doctor. Not a GP. But a pulmonary specialist.
Read all you can about your disease and all related items. Learn
all you can about your disease so YOU can co-manage your disease with your
doctor. Know about your disease and your meds and your body so you
can discuss your health on an equal basis with your doctor. We know
you don't have a medical degree, but you have something the doctor does
not have. You live in that COPD/Emphysema body and you have that
knowledge that no degree can give you. You must learn how to communicate
with your doctor to get the best health care possible and you can only
do that if you are knowledgeable about this disease. There is knowledge
of this disease out there. It is up to you to dig it up. Start
here on
Olivija's
COPD Research page, then move on to Bookmarks
and related sites.
Here is a page of Search
Engines to help in Medical research. Get busy learning
to live with it, or the alternative is to die of it.
![]() |
|
Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 15:44:51 -0600 From: Michael Wagner-TX <migwa@WCC.NET> To: COPD@HOME.EASE.LSOFT.COM References: 1 I am in the hospital with pneumonia and an infection
called Empedobacter F.) brevis and this is
|
Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2000
Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized
that this is the best day of the rest of my life! There were times
I wondered if I would make it this
far; but I did! And because I did
I'm going to celebrate! Today, I'm going to celebrate what an unbelievable
life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes,
even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger.
I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I
will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun,
the clouds, the trees, the
flowers, the birds. Truly, they are not
simplistic, they are in reality miraculous marvels, They are surely miracles.
Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with others. I'll make someone
smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for
someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone
who seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone
I love just how deeply I care for them and how much they means to me.
Today is
the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful
for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I'll remember that
to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine
Plan ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I
go to bed, I'll raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the
beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for
these magnificent treasures. Like all
the other many, many treasures he has put into my worked. As the
day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank God for the
best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited
with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of
my life!
It is not every day that I feel this way, but
it is on most days. And every day I try to feel this way. I
work at feeling this way. It is the only
healthy way to deal with adversity. Let
your thoughts be lifted. let them soar. Get new views and new
perspectives on everything. As we all know things are never as they seem.
Not time nor space . I feel somehow that more than one thing can
exist in the same space. I do not
know how this is possible but I believe it is
true. I believe that time past and present and future can and do
co-exist. This too I cannot explain,
but I believe it. I believe also in reincarnation.
We keep returning, and given chance after chance to get it right as our
God does love us and doesn't want any of us to fail. I guess by most
people's standards I might be considered a 'nut case.' but, I am
harmless and I will not judge you because you do not think like I do. Tolerance
of others and their beliefs should always be respected, even if they are
not our ways.
I do not want others to judge me, therefore I
don't judge them. Who am I, to think I am better than someone else?
Who am I to think I should be someone else's judge. God is so good
and so gracious, but, somewhere in the back of my mind There just might
come a day we would wish
we had not judged someone else such-and-such.
PEOPLE
Some People are important to you, Some people
are unimportant to you as they cross your life, touch it with love or carelessness
and move on.
There are people who leave you and you breathe
a sign of relief and wonder why you ever came into contact with them. There
are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why
they had to go away and leave such a gaping hole.
Children leave parents; friends leave friends.
Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies
hate and move on. Friends love and move on.
You think on the many who have moved into your
hazy memory. You look on those present and wonder. You find you are made
up of bits and pieces of all who ever touched your life, and you are more
because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you. All of
them.
Living through the pressures of life can be compared to walking through fire. The Old Testament prophet Isaiah believed that if you have faith in God, you can walk through fire and not be burned. He didn't promise that you won't feel the heat, just that you won't be burned.
To Find out How to walk through life's Hot Spots ...... Visit: http://FireWalk2000.com/ :-)
* Keep on walking. A surefire way to get burned is to stop walking. When
you are afraid, or under extreme stress, or hurting --
keep going. You will get through if you keep
dealing with the everyday tasks at hand to the best of your ability.
Persevere !!!
* Remember that this difficult time will pass. It may feel that you are in a repeating time warp, but realize pain is time-limited. All problems have a beginning and an end. * !!! Be Patient !!!
* Make rough times work for you. Not everything is good, but the Bible reminds us that everything can be used for good if you submit your will to God. Look for ways to learn, grow, or cope in your pain or stress. * !!! Have Courage !!!
* Take "what is" and make the most of it. Make lemonade from your lemons. You are not called upon to create perfection from every situation, only to make the most of it. Don't waste your time on ceaseless complaining, but look for meaning and joy in all situations. * !!! Be Content !!!
* Clean up your own trash. Stand on your own feet and don't try to blame others for your problems. You are not a victim. Choose to live the rest of your life with a controlled response to what is happening. * !!! Take Responsibility !!!
* Be true to you. You will have more strength for dealing with ordeals in life if you have the courage to be true to your own values. Hypocrisy destroys internal energy. * !!! Model Integrity !!!
* Be gladder than madder. Expressions of gratitude calm the soul and clear the mind. * !!! Show Gratitude !!!
* Have as much fun as you can.
Anticipation of fun raises the level of your energy. Learn to laugh through
your
trials. * !!! Display Humor !!!
* Determine what is within
your control You cannot control what happens to you, but you can choose
the frame
you put around your experiences. You can choose
how you will deal with all situations. * !!! Exhibit Internal Control !!!
* Be enthusiastic. Enthusiasm
literally means, "God in us." If He is in you, let your life so shine.
Learn to love life. *
!!! Show Your Passion !!!
O===============================O
Mountain Wind
Exploring Health, Self-Knowledge, Consciousness & Self-Transformation Through Natural Breathing, Taoism, Chi Kung, and the Ideas & Practices of G. I. Gurdjieff http://www.breath.org/
Introductory Audio Clip on the Miracle of Breathing http://www.breath.org/real-media/miracle.ram
Deep Breathing Stress-Buster Audio Clip http://www.breath.org/real-media/stress.ram
Breathing Meditation Audio Cliphttp://www.breath.org/real-media/meditation.ram
This is really a help on breathing and panic/Anxiety Attacks.
A SIMPLE POWERFUL BREATHING PRACTICE
Though this practice can be done any time of the
day or night, it is especially beneficial in the morning, just before you
get out of bed. This practice will help detoxify your inner organs. It
will help center and energize you for the day ahead. Over a period of time,
it will begin to transform your breathing, making it deeper and more harmonious.
1. Lying on your back with your feet flat
on the bed and your knees bent (pointing upward), follow your breathing
for a minute or two. See if you can sense which parts of your body your
breath touches.
2. Now rub your hands together until they
are warm.
3. Put your hands (one on top of the other)
on your belly, and watch how your breathing responds.
4. You may notice your belly wants to expand
as you inhale and retract as you exhale. Let this happen, but do not try
to force it.
5. If your belly seems tight, rub your
hands together again until they are warm and then massage your belly for
a couple of minutes, especially right around the outside edge of your belly
button. Notice how your belly begins to soften and relax.
6. Now put your hands on your belly again
and just watch how this influences your breath. Do not try to do anything.
Simply watch and enjoy as your belly begins to come to life, expanding
as you inhale and retracting as you exhale.
7. When you are ready to stop, sense your
entire abdominal area, noting any special sensations of warmth or energy.
Let these sensations spread into all the cells of your belly all the way
back to your spine. This simple practice can have many benefits,
especially if you do it on a regular basis. Remember
that you can try this practice at any time of the day or night, sitting,
standing,
lying down, whatever is most practical for you.
It is also an excellent practice to work with whenever you are anxious
or tense,
since it will help relax you and center your
energy.
I definitely would recommend this practice to
all as an "urge fighter" to combat desire for a cigarette.
Instead of giving into your
urges and 'lighting up' do this breathing exercise.
Silver Thunderbird
(Marc Cohn)
Watched him comin' up Winslow
Down South Park Boulevard
Lookin' good from tail to hood
Great big fins and painted steel
Man, it looked just like the Batmobile
With my old man behind the wheel
Well, you could hardly even see him
In all of that chrome
The man with a plan and a pocket comb
But every night it carried him home
And I could hear him sayin'
Don't you give me no Buick
Girl, you must take my word
If there's a God up in Heaven
He's got a silver Thunderbird
You can keep your El Dorado
Man, the foreign car's absurd
Me, I wanna go down
In a silver Thunderbird
He got up every morning
While I was still asleep
I remember the sound
Of him shufflin' around
Right before the crack of dawn
Is when I heard him turn
His motor on
And when I got up they were gone
Down the road in the rain and snow
The man and his machine would go
Oh, the secrets that old car would know
Sometimes I hear him sayin'
Don't you give me no Buick
Girl, you must take my word
If there's a God up in Heaven
He's got a silver Thunderbird
You can keep your El Dorado
Man, the foreign car's absurd
Me, I wanna go down
In a silver Thunderbird
Down the road in the rain and snow
The man and his machine would go
Oh, the secrets that old car would know
Sometimes I hear him sayin'
Don't you give me no Buick
Girl, you must take my word
If there's a God up in Heaven
He's got a silver Thunderbird
You can keep your El Dorado
Man, the foreign car's absurd
Me, I wanna go down
In a silver Thunderbird
Oh, Me I wanna go down
In a silver Thunderbird
Paul, I know you and your good buddy,
Claude, are breathing easy
now and cruisin' in a "Silver
Thunderbird".............Dusty Oliver
Simidust@aol.com
Bill Poplett, Claude Baril, Richard Heering and
Paul
Marks
![]() |
|
From: Paul Marks <pmarks@speakeasy.org> To: Olivija Gwynne <olivija@home.com> References: 1 , 2 `At 10:23 PM 1/15/00 , you wrote ... I have been reading some of her post that I have in a file, remembering her and thinking sad thoughts of how little time there is, and so much to do. I am very sad these days. I am in a decline health wise and it frustrates me. It is so, isn't it. I too have been fighting the fight a bit. Mine is just an annoyance and a reminder at this point - but a reminder none the less. My wife is away this weekend so my son and I spent the evening playing a little cards and working on a picture puzzle. Very simple things, mutually enjoyed. It was quite lovely. And this is what we have, isn't it. An occasional lovely respite from the axe that hangs above our heads. Let us enjoy whatever small respites that we might find. And remember our dear friend Barbara. Peace, my friend.
|
|
Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2000 18:08:41 +0800 From: John Dixon <golfnut@omen.net.au> To: o2@olivija.com Dear Olivija
I am sorry to have to bring you this sad news,
but he asked me to get in
We will be having a non-religious cremation
in the next few days and
Chris Dixon
John's Web Site
|
Today is Monday, February 7, 2000
My server or a trunk line or something is down
again and I can't get my email or access the web. So now is a good
time to get caught up on my journal here. I thought you might today
want to know some of the things I think about with this disease.
Which does not mean that all the people with this disease think about the
same things I do. I can't tell you about
them and what they think of, I can only tell you about me and my thoughts
and my life. My life is pretty lonely. Everything in my life
is different from everyone else's.
Am I the only one affected by all the death of
our friends who are leaving us in greater and greater numbers? I
hear of the passing of
a friend and a great feeling of emptiness overcomes
me. A larger and larger void grows . This void can be described as
akin to the Grand Canyon. It's not as if I haven't considered my
own mortality for a long time, but now it is all consuming and it sickens
me for many reasons. I can't help wondering what it will be like
for me at the end. But, at the same time I hate the fact I can not tear
myself from this morose obsession I have with my own mortality. I
tell myself to 'get a life' Yet I know that any life as others know it,
and as I use to know it are gone from me forever.
That fact in itself runs the gamete of emotions in me from anger to fear,
from sadness to psychosis. I have to consider the possibility that
'everything happens for a reason and there surely has to mean there
is 'reason for this happening to me.' That it is up to me to figure
out what that reason is that my life has taken this direction and not just
to figure it out but to act on it. I dig into my very soul for these
answers. I search feverishly, wanting to measure up, and knowing all along
there is no way I ever can or will measure up to what we all know in our
heart of hearts. Thank god for his wonderful Grace that will and
does save us all. And provides my sanity in the face of this insane disease.
In the face of the shortness of breath I experience I ask myself is this
any worse than Jesus' shortness of breath when his pierced hands were all
that was holding him to that wooden cross and exerting all his energies
to prevent oxygen to reaching his lungs. What I am experiencing and
what others are experiencing with this or any earthly hardship is truly
a lesson for us to try to measure up to. We will never completely
measure up because we are human. But, we can give it our best shot.
And we can always provide hope and encouragement for those who come after
us. Because there will be many, many more to follow us looking for
hope and help in this disease. Treat all you come in contact with
as a brother or a sister. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
Take the time along your path in life to morn
and remember those that touched you upon that path. Remember them
for the goodness that they shared with you and forgive them if they had
hurt you. Who knows one day you may ask forgiveness of someone, somewhere???
My heart remains heavy from so many recent losses, even though we know
we are the sufferers now, not they/
They are in a far, far better place. At
peace at last and with not a thought of breath either good or bad.
It is just not in the equation
of peaceful rest at last. "Just my thoughts"
as I try to figure out "What now?"
|
|
In Loving Memory of Elizabeth "Elly" Norat (elnori@aol.com) God saw that you were getting tired,
I MISS YOU, MY LOVE.
|
Friday February 18, 2000
Well it is 11 PM and Don has gone to bed and
Boo is curled up with her stuffed baby duck and I'm sitting here typing
away at this computer like I have something real important to tell the
world. Guess what world, I don't have any pearls of wisdom today.
All I have is lots of weird thoughts now. I want
to share a short story with you on friendship. 14 years ago I lived
inWichita, Ks.
and was Diagnosed with severe Emphysema after
a miraculous recovery from Pneumonia I am sitting here thinking about my
friends I left back there in Wichita, when we moved here. I have
not made many friends since we have been here as I don't get out and go
much. I would like to tell you about my best friend though.
Her name is Anne. I met her as she just moved next door to me in
the apartment we lived in in Wichita. I went over to talk to her
husband who was on the patio reweaving some damaged lawn chairs.
She must have heard some ladies voice talking to him so she came out and
we met and it was friendship right away. She and Leroy and Don and
I. We were all good neighbors.
We played on the lake together. Cookouts
on the patio. Out to dinner at different restaurants around town.
I went through what most go through with friends lost because I couldn't
keep up. But, I had a neighbor who would come get me and drag me
to the garage sales with her as she knew I loved them. If I didn't
feel like dressing me, she would start dressing me. She kept me going
and doing and we went on the lake everyday and floated around on inflated
rafts. I really exercised those arms. Then four years later
the company my husband worked for, moved the division my husband was in,
to Philadelphia and told my husband to head
'um up and move 'um out. God I hated to
leave my close friend that stood by me, when the rest fell by the way.
She gave me a wonderful going away party. We
still write and call each other and they have been able to come visit once
since. Besides Garage sales and the lake, we did things like Estate
sales and thrift store sales, and stuff like that. After I moved
she made friends with a lady who volunteered her time in one of those thrift
stores named Norma. Seems Norma had COPD also, and no
family and no friends anymore either. My friend
Anne, became friends with Norma and took care of her, when Norma could
no
longer go into work. Anne would take her meals,
and shop for her, and got someone
to come in when
she couldn't come herself. She was always
there for Norma. This went on for about 6 years until Norma died.
Norma didn't
fight. Norma kept smoking and Anne would
call me and cry that she couldn't get her to fight and quit smoking like
I did. Anne,
and I use to hold prayer meetings over the phone
for Norma. Anne helped Norma because I wasn't there for her to help.
Aren't I
so very lucky to have a wonderful friend like
Ann Fenwick in Wichita, Ks. Just think "To love a friend enough to
help someone else through a disease like COPD"
I really miss my friend and hope we get to see
each other again. But, we talk often and we think of each
other and we remember.......
Just thought I would share some thoughts of Love
Hiding in the Shadows In life sometimes we lose our place,
We forget about all the people's lives we have
touched,
For a person such as you harbors so much potential,
So my friend never lose yourself in another's
shadow,
|
Have you ever had the thought that you were getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and pretty soon you would be so small you would not be here at all? Like "The Incredible Shrinking Man/Woman?" Do you think that thought could be akin to the thought of every infection we get brings our breathing capacity and or lung function down? It slows us down and each infection slows us down that much more. And we get slower and slower and slower and slower and slower and slower and slower with each new infection and pretty soon will we be so slow that we do not/can not move at all. Is that the way the world ends? In a Wasteland? Like T. S. Elliot says "Not with a Bang, but, a whimper." |
Friday, February 25, 2000
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!
I am a caregiver for my Mom. She had lung
cancer 12 years ago, and survived with surgery only, no chemo, no
radiation. She didn't quit smoking!
Now, she has emphysema, chronic bronchitis, etc. She just took a
serious downturn
in November and is on oxygen 24 x 7. Still
hasn't quit smoking. I'm doing what I can for her. We are making
the rounds of
the doctors in an attempt to find out if this
is just the natural progression of her diseases or if there is something
else going on
that we can maybe fix.
But, that's just background about me.
If you're having a down day, I really wanted to
tell you about my grandpa.
Grandpa was born in 1899. He was diagnosed
with emphysema around 1940. He quite smoking immediately. He
will
be 101 years old on February 28. He lives
alone, functions just fine, although he can't see very well. They
told him he
needed a cornea transplant when he was in his
seventies, he said, no, he wasn't going to live much longer anyway.
He has
bad days when the humidity is high (goes with
the territory). But, there is life after emphysema, grandpa is living
proof!
|
Monday, February 28, 2000
The downsides of obstructive lung disease are
apparent. Shortness of breath, progressive limitation of physical
activity,
reduction of appetite, and the slow loss of one's
independence and eventual life. These are tough topics to contemplate
and
face without fear and apprehension. It's
almost impossible not to be worried and have mixed or complex feelings.
Janet proved that there can be quality years beyond
the natural course of the disease. A transplant can restore so many
wonderful abilities, but the results are varied. For many different
reasons, some genetic, some related to age or sex or weight
or whatever, some related to previous medical
history throughout life, some related to donor quality, and some just plain
ol'
random luck.... for all these reasons, some transplants
go well and some do not go well. About a third do very well, a third
do poorly, and a third are in the middle.
The average lifespan after transplant is approaching about 4 or 5 years,
half of the patients reaching that milestone and the others do not.
The medicines are extremely powerful and patients
with a good experience will have to take a reduced amount. Patients
with a failing transplant may have to take extra
drugs which can damage the kidneys, the immune system, cause diabetes,
allow the proliferation of certain cancers, and
leave the patient susceptible to life threatening infections. It's
a tough road,
but so is the natural course of obstructive lung
disease. So which is the best path to choose? My personal feeling
is that
there is no "best" path, but both routes require
strength, support, courage, and compassion.
Because of my science background, I have been
able to understand much of the medical information that I have reviewed
during the last seven years. After my diagnosis,
I began searching out every piece of expert information about my illness,
it's treatment, it's natural course, and the
prospect of transplant. I continue to spend many hours each month
researching
medical papers and discussing issues with physicians
and researchers. I have observed that many patients have either a
positive or negative image about lung transplant.
I prefer to hold a middle ground opinion about transplant.
It is no better nor worse than just life, which
has it's ups and down.
What Janet and I talked about in some detail is
the eventual failure of the organ graft due to chronic rejection.
I had
wondered how devastating that emotional roller
coaster might have been. She was very disappointed with the prospect
of returning to wear oxygen... she dreaded it. But I gained a strong
feeling that she felt the freedom from the transplant was
worth all the risks, all the side effects, and
all the personal costs. Janet spoke to me like no other patient has
ever.... she
really knew the score and she knew I could handle
the truth, so her remarkable candor allowed me to speak freely and
discuss some tough things. It was such
a relief to just talk about death and various topics that people normally
want to
hide or shield everyone from.
I know your decision with transplant is complex
and evolving. If you ever want to really "talk" about any of these
things, I'm open to that. With a little planning and scheduling a
neb, I can call and we could chat anytime you want. I'm often running
around (actually shuffling around) busy with my hobbies or my writing.
We can trade numbers and try to schedule something
convenient. No pressure, it's up to you
and at your convenience. I wish you much strength and wellness.
Stephen & Luba Trost
Hollister, CA
True friendship is seen through the heart not through the eyes ...................Unknown
Friends are God's way of taking care of us. ............................Unknown
A friend is someone who knows the song in your
heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
....Unknown
|
THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY
"Those only are happy who have their minds fixed
on some object other than their own happiness. On the happiness of others;
on the improvement of mankind; even on some art
of pursuit. Not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at
something else, they find happiness by the way."
- - - - John Stewart Mill, 1806-1873.
A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back. Every one of them. One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said: "This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters most in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. . |
Tuesday 'Leap year,' February 29, 2000
Well, Here it is that one day that happens every
four years. It certainly makes me ask myself the question, will I
be here the next time the. 29th rolls around? I know that I obscess
to much about my condition. That I am to hung up on "my condition."
I just feel I do not know enough about it. I have to keep reading
about it, and studying and searching because every day new discoveries
are made and new meds are discovered. I do not want to miss something
that could save or prolong my life, if it happens. I want to be informed.
At the same time I want to be able to do other things and I do some other
things, but they are things that require a minimal amount of energy, since
that is all I have. I know it is gonna be like this for the rest
of my life also. No matter how many years ahead I may have, they
all will be limited in what I will be able to do. They still will
be very valuable to me and I will take as much time as given me, regardless
of the restrictions that go with them. I know my time is very limited,
so i must do a lot of cramming of whatever I can still do that I still
do. I can't even forget about the realization for a little while,
because I am constantly aware of not being able to draw an easy breath.
I search for every intake of breath that enters my body so that is a constant
reminder of my impending demise. I have rejected (for now) transplant
by putting myself on the inactive list with HUP. which means I am
not moving up on the list. I am in Limbo. The list moves on,
just skipping over my name, like life is skipping over me. My reasoning
being, the price for transplant for me is too dear a price. That
I cannot pay at this time. My body cannot tolerate living after the
transplant with the quantify of the toxic meds that I would be required
to maintain a transplanted organ. Surviving the operation is not
all there is to a transplant. maintenance thereafter is a chemical
nightmare for most, and for people who have problems with normal meds
would have a real problem with rejection drugs
and all drugs associated with the transplant
So, until some miracle comes upon the horizon
I am in transplant limbo and will just try to live my life doing the best
I can with the
hand I am holding. I enjoy a few passions
still and I have so many people on the Internet that I have met and become
friends with.
They are just unending. And there are so
many new people every day who are freshly diagnosed with this hideous disease.
The
American Lung Association says that 30 million
Americans suffer from emphysema and that it is the No. 3 killer in the
US. All these
new people need someone to talk to and tell them
there is still hope. Most think they have been handed a death sentence.
They
need someone like me to tell them (since most
doctors don't or won't tell them) that it is not over. They have
plenty of years to live if they do the right things now when first diagnosed.
They didn't tell me anything. I like most learned everything about
this disease on my own. And for me I had already made a lot of mistakes
that I would not have if someone had told me how to avoid them. I'm
here on the web to see that information is here for those who want to prolong
the decline as long as possible. i really resent that doctors do
not share more. I have found though that the more you educate yourself
about your disease and your condition, the better chance you have to take
an active part in your treatment plan with your doctor. I feel that
we should be informed or what is available for us but we need to have choices
in our treatments. Of course you have to understand what all is involved
in COP D/Emphysema
so educate yourself by reading all you can about
the disease. The test that go along with it. The medicines
available.
In Real Estate it is LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.
In preservation of your life it is EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION.
Well that's enough ranting on this rare date. Life..... It's a good
thing!!!
At the top of a long hill, the wall was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. In the arch was a magnificent mother-of-pearl gate, and the street that led to the gate shone like gold. The boy walked up, and as he got closer, he saw an attendant at a desk to one side. He called out, "Excuse me, do you have any water?" "This is heaven, son," the attendant answered. "And of course we have water. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The attendant gestured, and the gate swung open. "Can my friend come in, too?" the boy asked, gesturing toward his dog. "Oh I'm sorry, son, but we don't accept pets." The boy thought a moment, and then turned back
toward the road, continuing the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road which
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the boy gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The boy filled the bowl and put it down for the dog. While the dog was drinking, he took a long drink directly from the pump. When they were full, they walked back toward the man standing by the tree waiting for them. "It's very nice here. What do you call this place?" the boy asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the boy said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's really hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" the boy asked. "No. I can see how you might think it's wrong, but it helps them screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." |
Wednesday March 8, 2000
Well, today was my 4 month visit to HUP in Philadelphia,
I had a discussion with my doctor regarding the telephone conversation
where I told him I wanted to be put on the inactive list. We just
discussed where I would remain on the list and how I had to
retain staying on the list inactively.
I am glad I have that over with. It was bothering me that I was not being
completely honest with them sooner. I just did not know how to let them
know. Just as I don't always know how to relate to feelings.
As I seem to spend more and more time dealing with my feelings. Here is
another beautiful poem by Glenda Jones who left us on Saturday the 15th
of Jan. this year.
SADNESS I CAN'T LAY TO REST
Dear Lord what has happened to me I can't change
There's a sadness in my heart I can't lay to
rest
I need one of your brightest stars to shine down
on me if you can arrange
It seems like my faith, hope, and love is being
put to a test
Right now I need all the strength, courage, and
love you can give me
Please light my world and keep me a candle burning
so I can see
I don't want any more pain, sadness and sorrow
I need my faith, hopes, dreams and a tomorrow
Sometimes my heart beats like thunder because
I'm so scared
This sadness I can't lay to rest is always near
I cherish every breath Dear Lord you give me
Please take this sadness from me so I can rest
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray Dear Lord my soul to keep
Helping others, my faith and Love I have for
others is what I know the best.
Reading her poems seems to calm me down and still
my pulsing heart. Do any of you others out there ever want to sneak
off some where, anywhere, where no one else is around and let out an ear
piercing loud scream even if it took your last breath. Well I would
just love to but I have found that I can't even have a good cry as I get
so choked up that I can't breath. I go into spasms and respiratory distress.
Bummer!!! What I wouldn't give for one good loud, long winded out
- of - sight scream!!!! That's what happens when you spend the past
10 or so years of and on things that could go wrong. Building a good
'ol case of panic attack. I am
always talking about attitude adjustments with
others who make excuses why they can't exercise. So I give them my
little pep talk and let them know we all go through this at one time or
another and we just have to be strong and do the thing regardless.
It's not a matter of "I can't!" It is a matter of "How can I?"
Just To know I have succeeded getting someone to exercise and to quit smoking
is something that gives me a great sense of satisfaction. To
know I had any influence at all in changing someone's life for the better
To
let me know that I was a part of helping someone
cope with this disease makes all this work I have done on the web, and
all the research so worth while. You know what it ain't easy having
this damn disease COPD. It is a real Pain in the Lungs. (mostly)
Do you know it would be very easy for me to not
do anything. Just sit back on my behind and become a couch potato.
But I know there are so many newly diagnosed COPDers and so many more expected
to be diagnosed. There has to be people like me out here to give
them the information when they start looking. That's about enough for today.
I will write more when the" swallows return to caperistraino." That
will be on March 19th. The day I become 59 years old. God,
if I had known I was gonna live this long I sure would have taken better
care of myself. LOL
|
|
|
|
Sunday March 19, 2000
It's after midnight here now and this is what
I have to say about this day in history!!!
10:00 am - 5:00 pm...........Return of the
Swallows Festival
Fiesta to celebrate the annual return of the
swallows to Capistrano,
![]() |
|
|
|
"I haven't been writing on the list much, but it's not because I'm terribly down. Not sure what it is, but the last 6 months or so have been very different inside for me. The waiting has been harder, and I think I'm beginning to really understand what "end-stage" means. I've been more contemplative and definitely less chatty. I kind of feel like I'm tired of talking about transplant - I want to get on with it, come what may. You know?" part of a post Nancy sent to a friend in February. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - UNFORTUNATELY NANCY'S TRANSPLANT DID NOT COME IN TIME. SHE DIED WAITING...... . |
Sunday March 26
I woke up this morning knowing I could enjoy
my morning because in the afternoon it was going to be clean and perge
time in
preparation for the event tomorrow morning.
"A Colonoscopy" Mary Jo who usually comes on Monday afternoon to
do my
hair came this morning because I would be out
of commission on Monday. So that took up most of Sunday morning.
Then
I had chicken broth and apricot jello for lunch.
I had some hot apple juice for breakfast. At 1 PM I had one and a
half ounces
of pepcid and 4 ounces of apple juice.
Then water, gator-aide, apple juice, and cranapple juice. all afternoon
until 7 PM.
Then I started all over again with one and a
half ounces of pepcid and 4 ounces of apple juice. Then water, gator-aide,
apple juice, and cranapple juice.
On top of this Don's son and his wife who Don
has not seen since they were married 10 years ago had this stopover planned
to
see dad and to meet me. Well between meeting
them and my frequent trips to the bathroom, it was a real pleasant visit.
Don's
son has really changed and looks so much like
dad that they could pass for brothers. His wife seems like a very
nice person and
both of them are very intelligent people.
They will now be living right outside of D.C.
and promise to come back soon for a week-end visit. They will be
bringing
George their 6 ft. Iguana and I told them he
can not come upstairs. He has to live in the basement. I told
Don (when they left)
that he will have to wash everything down where
george was when they leave, because they spread certain germs. I
believe that
is what Mickey died from. (Yes the Mickey
mentioned above on this page.) I need to go to the archives to look up
the fungus he wrote about contacting the week he died. Will close with
just the last fleeting thoughts as I last closed my eyes around midnight
were: "I hope that is the last trip to the bathroom
tonight."
so, it goes........untill we meet again.
Date:
Mon, 27 Mar 2000 11:50:12 -0500
Hello World,
I just returned from the hospital where at 9:30
AM they did a Colonoscopy on yours truly, so I need not mention what my
Sunday was like, 'cause you all know about the
cleansing process prior to!!!!!!
Well they didn't get to finish the procedure,
because they came upon a polyp and removed that one and the pain was so
intense that when it was removed they stopped
and sent me to recovery. I believe my blood pressure was way up by
this time.
My doctor said to come to his office in a week
and he would have biopsy of the removed polyp by then and decide what to
do
about viewing further up the tunnel.
All in all I feel like an old horse that has
been rode hard and put up wet. Do you think there are any young people
out there who would believe me if I told them, "If I had know it would
have been like this, I would have certainly taken better care of the equipment."
But do remember this: "I'm still moving and not buried yet."
And so it goes.
Tonight I'll be Staying Here With You
A
KARMA LESSON
THE
REASON THINGS ARE AS THEY ARE IS BECAUSE WE ALLOW THEM TO BE !!!
THE
REASON THINGS HAPPEN IS BECAUSE WE ALLOW THEM TO HAPPEN !!!
Friday March 31, 2000
Today I am grateful that I have this wonderful
'Boo Gwynne' to keep me company while Don has to go in to work this morning.
Don will be back by noon but I want to Thank
you so much Lord for blessing me by bringing Donald into my life and thereby
enriching my life.
there is a subject that I have been wanting to
check out for sometime now and I think I am going to do some real in-depth
investigation into "KARMA."
I really believe it could answer a lot of questions as to the "Why" we
all are searching for in our
life. You know the "reap what you sew"
theory. Another thing I want to do is start a grateful Journal.
That will be another
page by itself, and probably want be of any interest
to anyone but myself and the idly curious. But, I think that in itself
is
really important to a person to help keep them
positive and grateful for even small blessings. If you spend your
energies in staying positive and being grateful, how will you have time
for being negative and downcast about anything? Since I consider
myself a 'work in progress' who has wonderful, charitable, understanding
and forgiving days, most of the time. I would like to find ways
to have more of these type days. In fact
I don't ever want to have any other kind of days. I sincerely want
the rest of my life to count for something positive for others. I believe
that studying more about Karma will help me along those lines. I
also believe
that keeping a daily journal of "Things
I am grateful for" will help achieve that goal.
About my colonoscope results: I have an
appointment with my doctor on the fifth of April to let me know if it was
cancerous or
not and what they want to do about the possibility
of more polys being further in. I certainly do not want to repeat this
process
ever again in my life. Very unpleasant
even under normal conditions, but more so than most when you cannot pe
put under very much as your respiration will not allow it. My lungs
might collapse and I would wake up on a respirator (if I was lucky)
Well I guess this is something else not to worry
about, just put it all in God's hands and he will take care of all events
in my life.
Whatever may arise, it is not a problem.
It is a lesson I have been given to learn. It is the result or a
better word would be the
cause of some effect put into play by myself
either by deed or (conscious or unconscious) thought. see? Life is
a study to improve
ourselves to not jut do good, or think
good but, by become a part of good. I think the more I study on this
the more I will see
how to accomplish this.
The seasons are changing, it is changing from
winter to spring and the pressures and the atmosphere is changing.
Along with
it my breathing is affected dramatically.
I get really short of breath along about sundown and very full of mucus.
I wake up
in the mornings full of mucus, and nose dripping
profusely. Naturally all this plugged up air passages makes it hard
for oxygen to
get in through the cannula. This is depressed
somewhat with sudafed and allegra all spring and summer and into the fall
past the growing season. Other that that and complete shortness of
breath. I am completely all right.
Don is working at home and only has to go into
the office two or three times a week for about 4 hours at a time.
Other than
that and running errands for us he is with me
all the time. He is the angel that God sent to me to help me through
this most difficult disease. I could ask myself a million times what
I ever did to deserve getting such a insidious disease. I also could
ask myself
what I ever did to deserve the love and devotion
of a wonderful faithful loving and caring husband. The answer to
both questions
is the same.
|
Saturday, April 1, 2000
Today I am grateful for my wonderful Husband,
my best friend, my chief cook and bottle washer, my benefactor, my advisory
and
my caregiver. Thank you dear Lord for Donald
Gwynne, the love of my life. who deserved better than a sick
wife.
Today has been an extremely difficult day for
me trying to breath. I seem to be producing an enormous amount of
mucus. I am able after much difficulty to eliminate the mucus. It
is just exhausting to get the job completed thought. Tonight as I
sit here and type I am thinking of my friend Fred who is on his way to
Europe with his granddaughter. They will make a stop in Paris to
put his wife,
Heidi's ashes to rest. Then he and his
granddaughter will sightsee and enjoy paris in the Spring. I am so
envious, and also happy that he can make the trip.
I also am thinking today of my sweet Boo
Gwynne who is a very old lady doggie. She is 14 years
old and has already had one
knee replacement. You can see in her eyes
sometimes how tired she is. At other times she frolics and rolls
around all over Don
and I loving on us. I think our loving
her and spoiling her so much has keep her alive for so long. She
still is our sweet baby
and will be spoiled forever. I hope that
Boo dies before I do as I know she could not make it with out me.
She will start shaking all over if she knows I am going to leave the house.
She is one devoted little pup and we have even considered getting a pup
sitter when we do have to both be away from her.
My daughter is scheduled next week for a colon
scope. The same thing I went through with last week when they removed
a polyp.
She has been having problems for a while and
now they have decided to do this. I would ask for all of you who
would to pray for my daughter Aleshia who is 31 and the mother of a 7 and
8 year old sons. They are my grandsons and they live in Louisville,
ky
and their name is Ian
and Daevid Please pray for my daughter who is about to go through
through what I went through last week.
Just goes to show you that neither of us is a
perfect "butthole." Not funny though. Please pray for her through her ordeal.
I had to do something on Tuesday that I hated
to have to do. I have a lady come once
a week to clean the heavy stuff that I cannot do and Don does not have
time to do. Well she has been halfway doing the job and when I have
tried to tell her how to do it
correctly, she just argues that she does it her
way and she gets it clean. Well it may be cleaned to her standards,
but it was not cleaned to my standards and since I am paying she has to
do it to my standards. She never could understand that so I fired
her and she freaked out. I hated to have to do it. I hate to
confront anyone about anything and I hate for others to put me in the position
to have to confront someone. She even went
to Don to get him to do something. (That, I could not believe.)
Don told her it was
between her and I and it was I she had to please
since I was the one who hired her. Man we are talking here about
a person who is so self centered that nothing I could say would apease
her. She just said that she doesn't think I will find anyone who will clean
to please me. I just wish I had thought at the time to tell her that
it was not her problem what i found or did not find. I am just very
glad that chapter in my life is over and I now
have someone in that I believe will do the job for me and I will not have
to stand over this lady's shoulder to see that she does it right. This
new lady I believe can really see dust and dirt and not have to be told
where and what to clean. I sure hope this one works out as I do not
want to go through firing any one ever again. it is an unpleasant
event for all concerned. Well good-night to all and sweet dreams
of breathing easy. And so it goes....................
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well, the polished, old case fastened to the wall and shiny receiver on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother used to talk to it. Then I discovered somewhere that inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person and her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. "Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time. My first personal experience with this genie-in-the-bottle
came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at
the tool bench in the basement. I whacked my finger with a hammer. The
pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because
there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking
my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The
"Information Please," I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. "Information" "I hurt my finger" I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered. "Are you bleeding?" the voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts." "Can you open your icebox?" she asked. I said
I could. "Then chip off a little piece of ice and hold it to your finger,"
After that, I called "Information Please" for
everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where
Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet
chipmunk, that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat
fruit and nuts. Then,
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please." "Information," said the now familiar voice. "How do you spell fix?" I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific
northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country
A few years later, on my way west to college,
my plane put down in Seattle I had about a half-hour or so between
planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who
lived there now. Then, without thinking what I was doing, I dialed
my hometown operator and said, "Information, please." Miraculously,
I heard the small, clear voice I
"Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess our finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time." "I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally." Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. Yes, a very old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working part time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you." The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in." He'll know what I mean. I thanked her and hung up. I know what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make
on others. Whose life have you touched today? Why not pass this on, I just
did.
|
Monday April 3, 2000
I spend just a whole lot of time thinking about
my life ad the years i have used up and there are more used up than there
are in front of me. Like it is all down
hill now and how there just isn't anything I can do about it. It
is all downhill from here on out. But I'm not the only one who is
aware of the swinging pendiumn. Here's what Steve
Potts has to say on the subject.
Pottsy's Hope
Terminal but hopeful
In thinking about the span of life and the time
that I will spend on this earth, I have come to the conclusion that the
condition of all men is terminal. There are two distinct times in life
that we have no control over that bring me to this decision. The first
is the day of our birth and the second is the day of our death, over both
of these we can exercise no human control. We may think that we can cheat
death or bargain with it or prolong our days but the fact of the matter
is we cannot ultimately get out of paying the piper ,so to speak. This
being the case, the condition of man from birth is a terminal one for which
modern science has found no cure. I myself, being an optimist and also
a realist I set forth the proposition that neither the day of birth or
the day of death should be our main
concern, but the days that span between those
two are the ones that we should cherish. Furthermore not one of us was
promised tomorrow, ( we in faith believe that we shall see it), so we must
make the most of the day that it is called today. This is a hard thing
to hear for most people because the majority of us have lost loved ones
to death. Some of us are facing death due to disease or conditions that
are beyond our control and the rest are just not sure and do not want to
face the inevitable. With this being the condition of man it may seem to
you a hopeless cause as some do loose hope when faced with their own mortality.
But I see it as
an opportunity for hope to flourish and grow.
Hope is a strange thing that causes you to believe
in things beyond the seen and look to the things that you cannot see. The
future is a creation of mans hope, for a man will put his trust in the
future even though he does not know what it will bring. As we realistically
know there is no concrete, cast in stone, future that presents itself to
us. But there is the hope that we have in our heart of hearts that it will
bring happiness and prosperity. So therefore let us bring the condition
of man up one step to terminal but hopeful. For without hope there remains
only the possibility of a bleak existence from which one can draw no comfort.
so lets hope against hope in this lottery we call life and look for the
best in all situations. Because even though we are terminal we still can
have hope. That being said we come to the real question which is what do
we put our hope and trust in.
As we come to this season of easter and passover
the answer becomes apparent to me as one who believes in God. Not only
do I believe in God but I also believe in the Lamb of God, Jesus Christ
who was sacrificed for the forgiveness of our sins on the cross of Calvary.
Not only that but he rose again from the dead on the third day and ascended
to the heavens and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. This
then is a cause for real hope. Jesus himself said," Let not your hearts
be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me. In my Fathers house there
are many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you that I go and
prepare a place for you? And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will
come again and take you to myself, that where I am you may be also". In
saying this to his disciples, Jesus was giving us the ultimate hope of
attaining the resurrection from the dead and ascension into heaven. For
in doing this himself Jesus opened the way for us who believe in him and
in the power of his resurrection. Easter is therefore a time for mankind
to reflect upon life, death and the power of God to raise from the dead.
Jesus said to her," I am the resurrection and
the life; he who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and
whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?
She said to him," Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son
of God,
he who is coming into the world." This was part
of the conversation that Jesus had with Martha the sister of Lasers, whom
Jesus raised from the dead and thus showing the power of the Son of God
to conquer death. There are many other things that Jesus said and did to
show his power and authority to us who will believe and come to salvation.
It all in my opinion breaks down to the one verse of scripture. "For God
so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in
him should not perish but have eternal life. For God sent the Son into
the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved
through him, He who believes in him is not condemned; he who dose not believe
is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only
Son of God." We must believe in Jesus the only Son of God and act upon
that belief and come to the father by Him. For it is said that if we confess
our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse
us from all unrighiousness. Also, as far as the east is from the west so
far does he remove our sins from us. So therefore let us draw close to
him in prayer and become the true children of God that we are meant to
be.
|
Well today I am thankful that the removed polyp was benign (not cancerous) The doctor says some more of my bad genetics are the fact than I have an intestine track that is malformed. It curves in and out on itself and he could only do 45% of the colonoscope. He now has me scheduled in two weeks for a barium enema where they take x-rays of my intestinal track and pray they find no more polyps there as he says he doesn't know what to do then. I guess he would conference with my pulmonary doctor to see what to do . They don't want me to get put under and the colonoscope will go no further because of the twist and turns my track takes. Another case od stand by to stand by. I would like to let you read a letter from a lady (with her permission) in the on-line COPD support group I belong to. She like all of us has good days and bad days. What I want you to know is someone else's words occasionally. Not always mine. But none-the-less someone else who suffers with this damnable disease. Below is connie's letter. Subject: [COPD] Pity Party
Karen said "...want to be left alone to dwell
in my own self pity." I think this is something we all do, even more
than we like to admit to it,
Sorry if I have bored you all, but Karen, keep
on keepin' on and keep on posting to the group - they all know what you
are going through - remember Life - It's a good thing!
|
Another brother who died at 52 waiting on a lung transplant that never came. Too many people - not enough parts!!!
|
Sunday, April 9, 2000
Good Morning World. - Yesterday I played in the
yard, I enjoyed my blooming tulips, lilly of the valley, hycacine, crocus
and numerous wild flowers. My magnolia, weeping cherry, rhoderdindrums,
and azayalas. All my trees are flowering and blooming and I felt
like maybe I wanted
to continue living. The temperature was
in the upper 70's. My favorite temperature. All was well in
Muddvill 'yesterday.' Today I awoke to
about 2 inches of wet snow on EVERYTHING.
It is still snowing. Snowflakes everywhere and a crazy wind, blowing
wildly at 45 MPH. Big
heavy wet Flakes loading down the branches
that were newly grown. All the branches are so heavy laden.
It is suppose to get up to 4 inches today. Things are just too crazy!!!!
Snow on Palm Sunday ! Snow in April !
I feel like Jack Skeleton in "The nightmare before Christmas." When
he discovered Christmas and
snow. He was running around everywhere
touching the snow and saying over and over. "What is this?" "What
is this?" As he kept touching and examining the different drifts of snow.
All my beautiful flowers are at this moment screaming in their last throes
of death. I can hear them screaming and can't do anything to save them.
I am crying and Donald and Boo are eating breakfast and reading the funnies.
We all have different agendas. People are a kaleidoscope of different colors.
Life and weather is still a crapshoot ! And so it goes.............
|
Monday, April 10, 2000
We know that death is impending and each day
it creeps closer and closer, those around me do not know how to react as
neither of us know
exactly when that will happen. I only know
of my feelings and my health. I just feel it is much closer than
I would like. I have been thinking more and more of what the other
side must be like. I feel that even after death there is a consciousness
that lives on and we transcend from this level to
the next level. There is a connection between
this material world and the one we will know at death. As I get closer
and closer to that door that leads to death, I wonder will it bring me
nothingness or new unheard of horizons???? What did it bring to those
who went before me. Of those I have been very close with, who have
passed before me, I have had dreams of them trying to call me on the phone
and the call never being completed. A connection could never be made.
They say at death your mind is filled with specters that have no reality.
WHAT
IF: Maybe there is as much oblivion about the last hours as there
is about the first hours of birth. I have a feeling that death is
not as ordinarily pictured, with a black mask and hood, or as a skeleton,
or like father time with a sickle. Instead, he is fair, rose-cheeked,
robust and he has a pair of scissors or shears. You have to look
at the feet or hands to watch them take shape. Death at first glance is
not an easily recognizable figure. Death is not what we would think
it to be. It is not the awful thing we often see pictured.
It is just a change from one shape to another. From one place to another.
The shears or scissors are indeed the implements
most representative of life and death. These indeed unite by dividing
and divide by uniting.
You have heard of the silver cord that unites
us with life and at death is severed by the hands (shears) of death.
The cord does not, as usual
thought, extend from the center - but is broken
from the head, the forehead - that soft portion we see pulsating in the
infant. So we see old
people, unbeknowing to themselves, gain strength
from youth from kissing there: and youth gains wisdom by such kisses.
Indeed the vibrations
may be raised to such an extent as to rekindle
or re-connect the cord, even as the master did with the widow of Naid.
For he did not take him by the hand (which was the custom of the day),
But rather stroked him on the head - and the body took life of life itself!
So, you see, the silver cord may be broken - but vibration...........For
the earth is only an atom in the universe of worlds!........And with error
entered that which we call death....which is only a transition - or
through God's other door---- into that realm where the enity has builder,
in their knowledge and activity
respecting the law of the universal influence.
Death in the material plane is passing through the outer door into a consciousness
in the material activities that partake of what the enity, or soul, has
done with its spiritual truth in its manifestations in the outer sphere.
Just after death there is a period of unconsciousness which may aptly be
likened to a dream state from which there is a gradual awakening.
The duration of this period is governed by the development of the individual......For
thoughts are deeds. What one thinks continually, they become;
what one cherishes in their heart, and mind they make a part of the pulsation
of their heart, through their own blood cells, and build in their
own physical, that which its spirit and soul must feed upon, and that
which it will be possessed, when you pass into that other realm where
you will use what you learned here. When we pass through that
door called death we take on the form of whatever we have created for ourselves
in the existence we have passed. As our imagination in the earth
plane pictures to ourselves, Through our carnal relations, that condition
to which we think to ourselves. We will possess the ability to assume
the relative position to that merited condition in its existence.
FOREVER: THOUGHTS ARE DEEDS..........
As the soul and spirit entity takes its form
in the spiritual plane, it is subject to the spiritual plane to those immutable
laws of the spirit plane. The spiritual enity of the individual is
composed then of the spirit, the soul, as the body is prepared for the
enity in the spiritual plane, and goes through
it's development in the spirit plane, until ready
again to manifest in the material plane, and sow that degree of development
toward perfection that would make us as entirely perfect as one could become.
This is the cycle of development, or condition of people in the material
world and the spirit plane. Our oppurnity to be strive for a christ conscienceless.
And since we have a Loving heavenly father who wants all his children,
we are given numerous oppurnities to learn our lessons. (As I see it)
Today I am thankful for this wonderful precious life that I still possess,
if only by fringes.
No matter how thin and frail the threads
may be they are better than the alternative. Life is sweet, Life
is good, but most of all life is fleeing too fast.
And so it goes............
the experts say, yes, there can be grace in saying good-bye to one's own life |
Nowhere is it written that life will be fair, and it seldom happens that each player gets dealt the same hand. The differences lie in how we play the cards we're dealt. I, too, have times when I pity myself because
I can't do all I planned, but I can, when I wish to think
For each of my losses, there is at least one gain. |
|
|
Thursday, April 13, 2000
Today I am so very thankful for all the days
of my life. I do have regrets that I wish I had used them more wisely.
That I had used all those days to help others in ways I did not.
I do not like looking back in retrospect, though/ It is always better
to look forward and know that I will do what I can do in whatever time
I am allowed to remain here in the material world. There are so many
that need help. There are so many that are lost with this disease
and just do not know how to cope at all. Perhaps all I have researched
and gathered together on my pages will help inform them of how to take
care of themselves and prolong the effects of this disease. I know
of no other disease where nothing is being done to help find a cure.
It just is so hard to believe, but true. A disease that is recorded
by the American Lung Association to be the number four killer. But,
if the true numbers were recorded, it would be at least the number three
killer and maybe even higher. I have had a very hard time living
with this disease as all of us do who have the disease, have the same problem
living with it. I have written often of the disappointments and loss
of friends and the solitary, lonely life. The lack of energy, drive,
appetite, desire. I would give almost anything to have a good long
, breakdown, cry. If I really let go and let the damn break, and
the tears flow then I would get so short of breath. I would probably choke
to death. As I go along this downhill road I am on,
I cannot help but wonder how much further the
road is till I get to the end of the road and to 'that other door.'
In 1986 I was told I would not last 5 more years. Well I did so much
research and did all the things I thought would help prolong and I am still
here and I am sure because of my efforts
I have slowed that progression. I have
not stopped it or cured myself. But only because there is no cure.
I can honestly say I have tried like hell to cure myself. I think
it is so important to stay positive all the time. And that is so
very hard to do at times. If we are busy doing for others than it
is easier to keep your mind off of your own pain and concentrate on helping
others. This helping of others is also a very good cheap therapy
that will keep one from wallowing in their own sorrow. It hurts also
to see the hurt that you know your husband is feeling and knowing that
he knows there is nothing that can be done and he is also a victim of this
disease. All my family and loved ones are victims of this disease.
I guess you notice as you scroll down my page to read my journal all the
names of friends who have passed on because of this disease. It is just
such a damn waste of human resources. When I think of all the hugs
and kisses from grandchildren I will miss, all the dreams I will never
see materialize. The retirement plans Don and I had. I sometimes
(like now) have to remind myself that the glass is still have full, not
half empty. Live in the day. Enjoy it to the fullest you can, and
thank God he gave it to you. It was a beautiful day and it allowed
you oppurnities to say a kind word to lift someone from a low to a higher
plane. What more could anyone want than to serve and help.
Thank you God and Please help me remember this as I so easily slip back
to my own little pity parties.
And so it goes...........
From a friend: Evelyn Higley
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless. Let everyone of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. Remember....I LOVE YA!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He listens. He can live anywhere in the universe, yet He chooses your heart. . |
|
Subject: [COPD] definately off topic
Date:
Sat, 15 Apr 2000 23:31:37 -0400
From:
Olivija Gwynne <o2@OLIVIJA.COM>
Organization: @Home Network
To: COPD@HOME.EASE.LSOFT.COM
Once upon a time, not so very many years ago I
remember that I could come to my computer in the middle of the night when
the air was nowhere to be found. I could type my little heart out
here and pretend that there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me. I
could sit here type my little heart out while I nebulized. Pretty
soon someone else would email me and say "hey Olivija, I'm awake also and
can't sleep. Do you want to chat?" Well, many an evening, and early
morning hours, I have seen this email as busy in the night time as the
day time. But the more I go around the more I realize that nothing
stays the same.
It's not the same list it use to be.
It's not the same people it use to be.
It's not even the same me, that it use to be.
The only thing remotely the same is the fact
I am sitting here with a nebulizer in my mouth and a lack of oxygen in
my lungs and a mind that won't stop and let me get off for even a microsecond
tonight.
Now let me think????? what can I do now to amuse
myself?????
I also am sick of looking at the beating we have
taken on the stock market. There is little comfort in the fact that I am
not alone.
The fact that my loses pale in comparison to
Bill Gates loss of 11 Billion. I refuse to admit defeat over a few
cruddy loosing stocks. I'm hanging ten and ridding it out. I'm in
it for the long haul (if I'm not around to collect Don will need it.
Boo wanted to sell months ago and put the cash into T-bones.)
Anybody want to chat. My ICQ # is 7562716.
I'll sit here and wait as I am to short of breath to go anywhere.
They can't bury you if you are moving and My
fingers can still dance on this keyboard. LOL
Your friend in Pa..........The Boo Mistress.............Olivija
Study your present situation
thoroughly. Go over in your imagination the various courses of action
Many successful people use this skill of mental visualization. They mentally run through important events before they happen. Picture yourself in your
minds eye as already having achieved your goal. See yourself doing
the
See the things you want
as already yours. Think of them as yours, as already in your
Thoughts are deeds!
|
|
Subject: [COPD] I AM "WIFE"
Date:
Fri, 21 Apr 2000 17:21:47
-0400
From:
Olivija Gwynne <o2@OLIVIJA.COM>
Organization: @Home Network
To:
COPD@HOME.EASE.LSOFT.COM
Hi friends and members,
Way back a long time ago when I started doing
webpages at the very beginning of cybertime for me........
One of the first pages I did was one in the list
of some of the things in life that I am.
And that is "A wife" http://www.olivija.com/wife/
Almost at the bottom of that page is my recipe
for a happy marriage. It has worked for us and this page is really
a tribute
to an outstanding friend, companion, caregiver,
husband, lover and better half. This page is for Donald Gwynne "My
Hero" in a world with not many hero's left.
Today I got a call from the local S. P. C. A.
A lady brought her little dog in. She couldn't take care of it anymore
with three
children, a job and living in an apartment and
the dog has anxiety and potties on things while alone and destroys things
when
left alone. But, when the lady got to the
S. P. C. A. she found she just couldn't leave the pup there as she did
not know what
would happen to it. So the S. P. C. A. person
told her to call me and I would help her find the right home for it as
I have time
to do such???? She called and described
her problem to me and I told her to bring over the 5 year old dog.
Well Ms. Boo is 11 lbs and you all know how much
I love her, Well let me tell you what came through my doors today.
A little
5 year old girl that looks almost exactly like
Ms. Boo, but is a miniture replica of her. She weighs 6 lbs. and
her name is Snowball
and it was love at first sight, on my part and
Don's. Boo is showing all the expected signs of jealousy and alpha
dominance.
But she will come around in good time when she
sees we haven't stopped loving her also. So now it is Boo and Snowball.
You
will have to watch the website in upcoming weeks
for pictures and articles about the newest arrival in our "Magic Forrest"
in Pa
We have a picture of Snowbalol up now on Boo's
website. Go to http://www.olivija.com/writer/....and
click on Card 7 which
is titled Snowball. Keep watching that site for
updated picts of Snowball and her royal Booness!!!!
|
This was a wonderful Easter day. Don's sister Ginny and her family came over and spend the afternoon with us. Ginny brought Dinner and we had a wonderful Easter dinner here. I don't have the energy to prepare food for myself, much less for others. Of course they all fell in love with Snowball. We had a very good dinner. We visited and found out that John Robert will take some time off from Drew University. He has two years in and it was getting to him. He needs a rest. Janet is still in high school and enjoying that. She is staying busy betweet school, dancing, singing and productions she is in. John Robert spent some time taking pictures of Snowball with his new digital camera and we spent some time on the web looking at digital cameras that I might be interested in buying. I don't know if that is the wise thing to do as I am getting weaker and weaker all the time and I sort of hate spending anything anymore as I don't know from day to day if I even have the energy to use it. The desire is most definately there to still do and create. It is just I do not have the energy to put all these ideas in my head into the reality of the real world. I am down to where I am only alone on very short periods when Don has to go into work for half a day and I get all panicey over that. Life is so scarrey for someone in a situation like I am in. I can see it like I am looking in from the outside and I feel like an idiot with this anxiety. But, Living and breathing it for real is another story. Speaking of living with this condition. I was in line at the k-mart counter this past week (where they are short of help and the wait is long) and while in line I notice two small children eying my nose hose and pack Just as I had eyed their cigarette flicking mom out in the parking lot. So I being bored and just know the kids want to know what all this is. I say hi to them and ask them how old they are. They tell me 5 and 6 years old and then (I knew it was coming, if I broke the ice.) they ask what is that? pointing to the contraption. I told them it is an oxygen supply system to give me air to breath since I smoked and ruined my lungs they can't breath any more and I have to use this. I asked them if they smoked and they laughed and said no they were too little. and I said well maybe you will not mant to ware one of these and you want smoke. We had a good long conversation standing there waiting and mama hearing every word and not saying a thing. (guess she really knew I was right.) I told the kids bye when I left and I enjoyed talking to people who still were smart enough to have good lungs and not smoke. You could tell the little guys liked being talked to the way I talked to them. It was like they were having a grown up conversation. Hopefully a seed was planted. |
Sidney Is my cousin, A year older than me. He is the cousin I dedicatet my vet page to. If you go there you will see why. The page is located at http://www.olivija.com/vet/. IThere is a poem there that he wrote also. Anyone needing info on vets or the Purple Heart Administration can get in touch with him by visiting his page. Sidney and his wife Edith stopped by after their Purple Heart Convention in New York, on their way back to Tennessee. I had not seen them in about ten years and they looked about the same. I know that the way I looked shocked them a lot. We had a really good visit. They arrived early afternoon and stayed until around 10 P.M. He wanted to drive at night. Don had fixed a pot roast and salad and we had good meal and a really good visit. They said they would try to make it up here late this summer. That would be nice as I have not seen much of my family since I moved north with Donald in 1980. That was a hard move for me to make as I was already in serious End Stage at that date and did not get out to make new friends any more. Life was very lonesome after my move here to Pennsylvania. |
Friday May 5, 2000
As Spring turns once again to summer I find my
winter funk falling by the wayside. My feelings of wanting to go
and do are ever present, in spite of the fact I am so limited in any activity.
My energy level is such that eating a full meal exaust me completely.
I would like to share some fragmented thoughts here for what they mean
to me mainly. Is Positive Thinking The key to Good Heal? People
with positive attitudes generally enjoy life more, but are they healthier?
The answer is often yes. Optimism is a resource for healing.
Optimists are more likely to overcome pain and adversity in their efforts
to improve their medical treatment outcomes. For example, optimistic
coronary bypass patients generally recover more quickly and have fewer
postoperative complications than people who are less hopeful. On
the other hand, Pessimism seems to aggravate ill health. One long-term
study showed that people who were pessimistic
in college had significantly higher rates of illness through age 60.
We seem to develop a tendency toward either optimism or pessimism at an
early age. However, even if your outlook on life tends to be gloomy,
you can enjoy phychosomatic wellness by using your brain to support your
immune system. But How Do I Boosting
My Immune System??? (You May Ask) Your
immune system responds to your thoughts, emotions and actions. In
addition to staying fit, eating right, and managin stress, the following
strategies will help your immune system funtion better. Create positive
expectations for health and healing. Mental and emotional expectations
can influence medical outcomes. Open yourself to humor, friendship,
and love. Positive emotions strengthen the immune system. Fortunately,
almost anything that makes you feel good about yourself helps you stay
healthy. Appeal to the Spirit. If you believe in a higher power,
ask for support in your pursuit of healing and health. Your sense
of spiritual wellness can help you overcome personal trials and things
you cannot change.
Consider the Following.........................YOU
ARE WHAT YOU THINK
A simple but very accurate statement. What we
say, what we do, what we feel -- all have their origin in the mind. The
energy of the human mind is thought. It is possibly one of the greatest,
but least understood energy resources of the universe. Thought is
like a seed, each thought producing its own distinctive flower and fruit.
In other words, thoughts can be creative or destructive, loving or spiteful,
depressed or happy. When we understand and harness this energy of the mind,
then we can master our life producing those "fruits" which give us the
most happiness and contentment. Understanding, cooperation and compatibility
are prerequisites for any true friendship. How I see myself and how I use
my mind are the beginnings of a good relationship both with myself and
others. The aim of each of us is to look inside ourselves and understand
ourselves and through this to bring improvement in our life. We will also
gain experiences and learn methods which we can use to be more positive
at home, at work and in our relationships. But First we have to look deeply
and lovingly and help ourselves see all the good there that is going to
waste. Bring it out and use it to take control of all future life experiences,
developing positive self esteem, creating your own healthy reality and
making daily living a positive experience. Positive Thinking Boosts
Health............Nostradamus made a name for himself by forecasting deluges,
wars and other catastrophes. Safe predictions, considering that such things
are bound to happen eventually. But when it comes to your health, predicting
nothing
but the worst can actually make things worse,
a new study suggests.
Douglas A. Drossman, MD, of the University of
North Carolina School of Medicine in Chapel Hill, tracked the health of
200 women being treated at a clinic for gastrointestinal problems.
Over the course of one year, he found that measurements of health, including
pain and number of doctor visits, were considerably poorer in women who
exhibited a coping style called catastrophizing. "Catastrophizing
describes a profound sense of pessimism and hopelessness," explains Dr.
Drossman. A catastrophizer sees herself as a victim of her illness, with
no control of the situation. In the study, the catastrophizers had 60%
more doctors' visits and nearly twice as much pain, compared with women
with other coping styles
How do you avert catastrophic thinking? "Keep
a positive frame of mind," Dr. Drossman says."Remind yourself that
you're really in control. You can do something about your illness."
Simple things like rating your discomfort on a 1-to-10 scale, or finding
activities to distract you from your illness, can put things in perspective
and help you feel in control.
|
|
|
Newsweek, May 22, 2000
About a year ago a friend called, asking
what she could do for an elderly neighbor. The neighbor suffered
from severe heart failure. Shortness of breath kept him even from walking
to a toilet. One day his heart stopped, and his wife called in paramedics.
They resuscitated him, took him to the hospital. His mind was sharp, and
he pleaded to go home and die. Ignoring his wishes, doctors inserted a
pacemaker so his heart wouldn't stop. Over the next week he worsened and
was given kidney dialysis and a heart-assist pump. Finally he was
placed on a ventilator. When I visited, I found him too weak to move in
bed. He responded to questions by groaning and stared through us to the
ceiling. The family asked to have the ventilator stopped and the pacemaker
turned off. The doctors refused; they wondered what their patient wanted.
He lapsed into a coma, but continued to grimace when moved and
frequently tried to cough out the tube down his
windpipe. After four weeks of this, he finally died. Most of us will
face some form
of high-tech dying, and we need to be ready for
it. About three quarters of Americans die in hospitals or medical facilities
where overly aggressive treatment is common, less than half who request
"do not resuscitate" orders get them, a majority of dying patients
experience severe, undertreated pain and nearly
40 percent spend at least 10 days in an intensive-care unit. We all want
to live as
long as is reasonable, but avoiding the extremes
of modern dying requires serious forethought.
Despite the dismal statistics, there are
steps you can take to avoid an artificially prolonged death. First, issue
an advance directive, witnessed or notarized according to the law of your
state. You can order state-specific advance-directive documents from Choice
in Dying (800-989-9455), or download them free
at choices.org. Give copies to your physicians and family members.
If you lose consciousness, or the ability to make medical decisions for
yourself, what your family says will weigh more heavily than your advance
directives. If even one family member tells the
doctors to keep treating, you may not get your way. While healthy, make
sure they understand your wishes.
Most people's first wish is to avoid desperate,
do-everything-possible treatments when a cure is no longer possible. If
you have a plan in place for stopping all treatment when your illness is
terminal — and your family concurs — the doctors
cannot legally defy you. But avoiding futile treatment is only half the
battle. By rejecting such measures you may also deprive yourself of treatments
that can ease the pain of dying. Patients and families are often unaware
that pain-killing narcotics are legally available (you can learn more about
them by looking at Web sites for "pain control" or "death and dying").
And many physicians assume, wrongly, that they'll be censured or prosecuted
for giving people controlled substances. Assisted suicide is indeed illegal
in all states except Oregon. But as U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day
O'Connor noted in a 1997 opinion, "a patient who is suffering from a terminal
illness and who is experiencing great pain has no legal barriers to obtaining
medication, from qualified physicians... even to the point of
causing unconsciousness and hastening death."
Signing up for hospice care is probably
the best way to achieve optimal comfort care. But with or without a hospice,
if you want everything possible to ease your pain, even if it might shorten
your life, be sure your desires are noted in your medical record. The Supreme
Court has cited two legal methods for bringing peace to dying patients
when usual methods of pain management fail. The
first is the "morphine drip" — a
continuous administration of morphine at a dose that will abolish pain.
If that's not effective, a physician can also legally prescribe "terminal
sedation": barbiturates or other drugs providing continuous anesthesia.
In the absence
of feeding, death comes quickly.
Recently I met another patient, Agnes,
who was 82 years old when diagnosed with incurable cancer. She told her
doctor and her family, "I want to live at least four more months to do
a painting for my granddaughter's school." Her physician arranged for low-dose
chemotherapy that did not cause much discomfort, and Agnes had a remission.
Shortly after she completed the painting, her symptoms returned with evidence
of spread of the cancer. Now, she said, she was ready to die. She received
excellent comfort care, lived three more good months and had continuous
morphine for the last week of her life, with virtually no pain or discomfort.
She was alert almost to the end, and she and her family said loving goodbyes.
Agnes did it right. So can you. With Albert W. Preston
Preston is Professor of Medicine at the
University of Washington. His book
"Final Victory: Preparing for the Best Possible
Death" (Prima Publishing)
comes out in September. Albert W. Preston, the
author's twin brother, is with
the Philadelphia law firm Woodcock Washburn.
By Thomas A. Preston, M.D.
|
A fog horn blows desolately in the night.
A train whistle carries mournfully across the
prairie.
The coyote's call echoes down the empty valley.
Teardrops rain down hard against my heart.
A cold wind numbs my thoughts and
Anguish beats against my soul.
We have lost another friend today, and
though she has gone to a kinder, gentler place
memories of her are still here, playing their
tunes
of joy and love, of caring and support.
Memories, washing down a window of pain.
Storm (a friend)
Flowing right along with my case of "Severe Emphysema"
You would now need to click on "Corpse 6"
and you will be able to read the rest of my story.
[ Home ] [ Corpse 1 ] [ Corpse 2 ] [ Corpse 3 ] [ Corpse 4 ] [ Corpse 6] [ Email ]