THE STORMY ADVENTURES OF
ON HER TRIP THROUGH THIS LIFETIME
For those of you
who desire to know my fondest desire in life IT IS:
"In my next lifetime I want to be the caregiver and not the receiver of care."
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret
was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children,
28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium
A Cigarette Speaks to You
Don't be afraid of me;
Why, all the advertisers say
I'm harmless as can be!
I know I've nothing now to fear;
When once I get a grip on you,
You're mine for life, my dear!
And led you blindly on,
Till now you're just a bunch of nerves
With looks and health both gone.
(I like that cunning lie).
And say, you'll "walk a mile" for me,
Because I "satisfy".
The very day we met,
When I convinced you it was smart
To smoke a cigarette!
The doctor says, "BIG E"
He says you can't expect to live
Much longer, thanks to me.
Why longer hesitate?
With me between your sexy lips,
You'll be quite up-to-date.
Your fingertips are stained,
And now you'd like to give me up,
But friend, you are chained!
When you became my slave,
You should have known the chances
Were you'd fill an early grave.
But very soon, I'll bet -
You'll find you just can't get along
Without a cigarette.
I thought you would ere long,
For those whom I enslave, soon lose
Their sense of right and wrong.
And I have done it well,
I'll leave you with my partner, Death -
"Because Cigarettes are HELL"
Sunday August 15, 1999
I can't believe that I have let this much time elapse without writing in this journal of mine. The time really flies when you
stay busy. That is what I am trying to do anyway. The ordeal with the kidney stones is over and I sure plan on drinking
lots of water in the future to try to prevent any reoccurrence of that ever reoccurring. Talk about pain........I have started
a Web page for the church I go to it is located (for now) at: http://www.middletownbaptist.com/ If anyone is interested
in where I worship. It is like any other thing I create, ever evolving. I change things on it as I see they are needed.
I found someone to live here on a temporary basis to be with me days when Donald works. it is not working out though
so I do not know how much longer he will be here until he goes back home to his family. he thinks he is a misunderstood,
mentally abused, used teenager and his parents are completely out of touch with reality.
When he moved in I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I still do not know his parents, but I do know he is a spoiled brat,
Who every morning leaves his cereal bowl for me to wash and told me not to say good-morning to him when he gets up
at noon as he doesn't like to be spoken to at all when he first gets up. Well, I was so dumb-founded from that remark
that I bit my tongue until a couple of weeks later. I wanted to give it time to see if he was just having a bad day or he was
a bad chance I took. I told him two days ago on Friday to make some plans soon to go back to mom and dad as I wanted
someone here I could at least talk to occasionally. We had agreed on a contributing adult.
Should I mention to him he has been here over 3 weeks and hasn't washed the sheets on his bed. My sheets at that. I
just hate the fact it isn't working out. I also hate the fact the kid is so screwed up and I can do nothing to help him. He
doesn't even have a clue that he needs help. He has been spending a lot of time after work with his parents and that
is good, maybe he is seeing that they do have his best interest at heart and that the world is not that interested in you
if you arn't willing to do your part. I think he needs a reality check.
Anyway, speaking of reality checks. I went back to pulmonary rehab this past week and had no problem falling back
into my routine of exercise. I tried starting a new machine there. I want to work on arms and stomach or diaphragm
muscles so I thought of the rower. Oh wow! That one is a bear. I did four minutes with a break in the middle of that.
But next time I will do better. I will build up to where it will do me some good. If I didn't need it I guess it wouldn't be
so hard for me to do. Tom went with me to rehab and I drove there and home. So I am doing better. I am able to
drive, which I haven't done in over two years. It was like a bicycle. You don't forget how to do it. It all came natural.
But, then again someone was in the car with me. I wonder how I would have done if I had been in the car alone.
I had a pretty uneventful weekend, except that when my daughter left to go back to Kentucky she had to give her
cat away because Don and I were allergic to it and could not keep it and she couldn't keep it because they were
going to live in an apartment that didn't allow pets. Well,as the story unfolds, the cat came back here looking for
Renea or this "Magic Forest" we live in. So Don and I have decided since the cat decided this was his home he
could stay. He has to live outside and we will install a pet door so he can go in the garage in the winter time out of
the cold. We will feed him and love on him outside. Then when Renea gets her house I will mail Billy to her. She
called me again this week-end and I told her about Billy showing up back here and we were gonna go ahead and
keep him for her and the boys and she cried because she loves her cat. Do you think she hoped all along the cat
would come back to us and she knew her mother was an old softie and would break down and keep him????It would
not be the first time she has talked or cohered me into getting what she wanted. I guess it all boils down to I think
I am happier when those around me are happy and I like to make everyone as happy as I am capable of. I also do
not want to neglect to mention all the vast amount of cards, prayers, letters, flowers and momentous that I received
from all my CYBERFRIENDS who were and are so very supportive of me. mediocre words can not describe my
appreciation and thanks for their support and friendship. Thank you all for remembering me in my time of pain.
When We're Alone, We Can Dance
cruise ship was crowded with people off for three days of pleasure. Ahead
of me in the passageway walked a tiny woman in brown slacks, her shoulders
hunched, her white
By Beth Ashley
Thursday August 19,1999
More and more I am finding myself doing more and more to please just me and my honey. I'm doing things I like more and
eating things I don't like, less.. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.
I'm spending as much time with my husband as I can. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor,
not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good
china and crystal for every special event such as getting a long distance phone call from a friend or family member,
getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look
prosperous, I can more easily shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good jewelry for
special parties, but wearing it for the people in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of
these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and
do it now. I'm not sure what my passed-on relatives would've done had they known that they wouldn't be here for the
tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might
have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone
out for a Chinese dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left
undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I
intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and children and parents often enough
how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and
luster to my life. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special and I try to remember to thank
the good Lord for another beautiful day. Even if it is a stormy rainy mucky day, it is beautiful because it was given
to me to enjoy. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to really think about this, would it be
the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your life? I can tell you it certainly won't be
Take a few minutes to meditate upon all your blessings. All the people you care about, just let them know that you're
thinking of them. "People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because
they know the other hand will always be there."
So this is how I am passing my days and trying to live my life.
A ROW OF BOTTLES ON THE SELF
Has caused me to analyze myself.
or cough or choke or even wheeze!
Goes to my heart so it won't Stop!
goes to my blood so I won't fall!
Goes to my hands so they won't shake!
and they stop leg cramps in the night!
Tells my mind I'm happy but I'm not!
helping to cure all kinds of ills!
To tell me that I have no pain!
is What tells each one just Where to go??
Today I would like to talk about feelings. We all have them and we all at one time or another think that others
do not take our feelings into consideration. This principal applies to all sides of the equation. I feel afraid of
transplant because of the drugs involved in the suppressing of the immune system and the daily taking of the
drugs. It really scares me. The reason to get a transplant is for a better quality of life. But, knowing what
drugs and especially drugs in this category do to me, what kind of life would that be? How can you have any
quality to a life that is spent in nausea and emotions that are near psychotic. where every nerve in your body
is screaming at you to stop it. These are part of my feelings that say please don't do this thing. Let it lay.
Continue the exercise and the way you are living now. Sure you have a limited life style but, you are functional
and limited only by your shortness of breath and your energy level. You can survive with help from your husband.
The problem is I really do love my husband and I see him spending countless years taking care of me which is a full
time job. After working a 40 hour a week job and doing all the
cooking and cleaning it leaves little to no time for him. Is this fair for him? He thinks if we are to have any life together
I need to have a transplant, recover from it (however long that takes) and then he and I can have a life for ourselves.
In a way I agree with this if only the drugs were not involved. If the drugs were not involved I would say "Do it and
If I live then wonderful he and I can have the rest of our life together like we want to have and if I don't live then he
would be free to do what he wanted without having to take care of me for the rest of my life." I feel really torn about
this and think about it all the time. I feel my husband is very sensitive to all my needs and understands me better than
anyone ever has. He is the only one who has ever taken the time to really seek out real inner feelings. He also has
helped me grow by sharing his goodness and his caring. This was extremely hard for me to learn as the family that
I came from put the word FUN in dysfunctional. To this day my mother still lives in her own private world and refuses
to admit anything of her
doing. I did learn an important thing from her or in spite of her, (whichever the case may be) that it is
possible to Love someone without liking them. I DO NOT LIKE MY MOTHER AT ALL. BUT, I DO LOVE HER.
as she is my mother and looking back in retrospect, I see things as she saw them (right or wrong) She is
very emotionally damaged herself, at a very young age. This prevented her from aging emotionally and left
her the emotional cripple she is and has prevented her from moving past it. So, I have learned to forgive what I will
never be able to change. I just have to move forward and love her in spite of herself. I have to
thank my husband for helping me be able to accomplish this. He has been a "God sent" to me and anyone
who knows him can see why I love him the way I do. Now the question I have been pondering for months
and months is do I love him enough to just get the transplant because he thinks so much that it is "our answer" to our
delima. Or should I follow my gut instincts and just try to stay strong and follow my own guidelines of self care and
decline the transplant until absolutely feel I have to. (Which may or may not be too late by then) If you have an
opinion please "click-on" a self-addressed email at the bottom of this page and
send me your opinion. It certainly will be weighed, as opinions outside the direct occurrence can always see the
delima with clearer observations. I need to make decision soon to the TX team. As I do not want to let them know at
the time of "THE CALL."
More feeling I have. I am also getting more and more mellow as time goes by. Things that use to upset me,
and move me to tears or anger, now cause only a shrug of the shoulders. It is not that I no longer care,
it is just same song, verse 1001. I've heard the same song played so many times with no results it is just more
of the sam-o-same-o stuff. I don't know what if anything that says about me except maybe society has
conditioned me to be more accepting that bad things happen and it all is in God's hands anyway. Things will
always be what they will be. I still believe that there are things in this world worth fighting for. Even though
I have no more strength nor inclination for a fight of any kind. I believe more than ever in the power of mind
over matter. Of thoughts. Of telepathy. Of Prayer. All of these in an active mind are "DEEDS." "SEE?"
I believe also in creative Visualization. God has done so much for me and If I believe strong enough, he has
promised to remove my mountain. Does that mean he will make me well and healthy again? Maybe, if that is the
mountain referred to. Maybe though, my mountain is a different one. So I think the thing to pray for is wisdom and
insight to know myself better. I remember a long time ago a little girl on a dirt road in Mississippi who was walking
along and ran into a person (?) on this road, who asked her to pick up a bowl from the side of the dirt road. There
were three strange things about this event 1. The person looked like noone I had ever seen before in my life and
I wasn't afraid though and even though they were strange looking and I tried to remember what they looked like.
I cannot remember. Never have been able to remember. 2. The request to pick up the bowl, (made from dry dirt
and held together by who knows what means) was not a spoken request. It was a thought process that I was amazed
I picked up on. I marveled to myself at the time that I did this. 3. I remember looking straight at the person (?)and
wondering if I would hear their thoughts on how to do this since I knew it should fall apart the minute it was touched.
I got no clue from him/her/it by
any means spoken or telepathy so I did a foolish thing and knew it was foolish when I did it. I knew in my heart that
thoughts were deeds and I should have willed (?) (willed is the wrong word here, I have searched to this day and still
can not find the right word to use here. willed is close, but wrong.) the bowl to rise. But instead I did a very human
thing. I reached down and touched the bowl as if to lift it. all the dry Mississippi delta dirt sifted through my fingers
and lay in a pile by the side of the road. We looked at each other in sorrow. No words or thoughts were exchanged.
Only the emotion of sorrow. We both turned to go in different directions. I seem to have been left with a thought of
don't look back but, being human after going only a few steps I looked back
and all traces of anything was gone. no dirt road, no person (?) no nothing. I don't even today know what town in
Mississippi it happen in or at what age I was when it happened. But, the events I mentioned are as clear as if they
happened 5 minutes ago. You can see why I believe so strongly in "thoughts are deeds"
Now, if I could only prove it. This is it until later friends.
No, I did not die, I am still here. I do have some life left besides what I spend here in Cyberspace venting. I
did loose a friend. (listed above) I only knew her here in Cyberspace and through a list I belong to. She also had
COPD and she lost her fight last week. She is no longer in pain and if there is any reward for good done on earth,
then she now is is a better place because she brought so much help and good and aid to so many who also suffer
and looked to her for help and guidance. DIANE, You will be very much missed here and in many hearts for a long,
long time to come. Now as to all that is and has been going on in my life. I am still looking for a permanent someone
to live with my husband and myself and the ideal candidate would be someone who needs a home. Perhaps on SS
or disability, a limited income who could be a friend and companion of sorts. Each of us respecting the others
privacy. I really would want the person to feel this was their home as much as ours and feel free to do things
around here they wanted to do. Their bedroom overlooks the woods in the back yard and has a clear view of all
the wild life that think they live here also. Especially when the garden is full. We have an exercise room where
It would be great to have someone to exercise with daily. Also have a woodworking shop in basement that
husband enjoys and I do lots of Arts and crafts projects, and embroidery and quilting. I also do acrylic painting
and egg decorating. I enjoy cooking and gardening. It would be nice to have a friend here with me who enjoyed
the same things. I have been looking for such a person for a long time and I wonder if such a person exist. Seems
to me there are lots of people like myself who can't get out and about like they use to but, they still like people
and need human contact, at a slower pace though. I will keep looking though. Maybe someone reading this one
day will say hey that's what i've been looking for. If by any chance that should happen and you are that person
just CLICK HERE Now, the person doesn't have to be a tower of wellness. I'm nt looking by any means for
anyone to take care of me. My husband does for me what I cannot do for myself and we have a cleaning lady that
comes once a week for the heavy stuff. But, there are regular household duties, that you, myself and my husband
will share. Only fair. There will only be the three of us. Rent is FREE and you pay 1/3 of electric bill and 1/3 of food
and only phone bill is all of your long distance calls. That is how badly I want a companion here with me. I have
stated I do not want or need any one to take care of me. Neither do I want, nor am I capable of caring for anyone
else. So that is a large consideration. But, if it as a case of someone else with COPD who is a worker like myself
to stay fit and fight, there is a good chance it could be feasible. Remember you have to like us also. My criteria as
always "Attitude is Everything. At present there is only one bath that we share but, we have one we are putting in
downstairs and it is part way done. It is a neat house built in the 50's and it faces a street in the front and woods
in the back. We have every kind of bird you can imagine from hummingbird to hawk.
We have lots of furry friends about. To name them we have Vole. chipmunk, squirrel, rabbit, groundhog, fox and deer.
It is a beautiful place to live. We have natural spring water and love it. We would not have the city water.
The medical centers here are outstanding. Of course that depends on who you talk to. We are on the border
of three states, Delaware, New Jersey and Pennsylvania so all of these are less than 20 minutes away. So one can
take their pick there. Also Delaware is laughingly referred to as "The Mall" because it is a tax free state and everyone
goes there to shop. Especially on big ticket items like the tractor and the big screen TV.
No we did not get the computer there. Don got a company in New Jersey to put his together with just what we
wanted on it. They have really good prices and the equiptment are outstanding. In case you are interested their
Web site is: http://www.kehtron.com/
Another thing going on with me right now is active involvement with a quit smoking program with a list I belong to.
it puts one ex-smoker with several people dedicated to quitting. One of my ladies has almost 2 weeks of smoke free
and the other has almost two months. We have daily email contact and they know I am there if they need to talk
more. They are doing so good. I can't believe how disciplined they are and how dedicated to quitting they are.
They are amazing ladies and i hope they are pleased with their efforts. I sure am.
I also have been working on another Web site for my Church. It is located at: http://www.middletownbaptist.com/
I am enjoying doing the site and our minister is so happy that he is getting the the site for free. The information for
the site is dribbling in bit by bit so I suppose that eventually it will be finished. If you take the time to look and want
to give me feedback on it you can CLICK HERE This project has taken considerable time and energy.
and That's the whole point to stay busy enough that I do not have to think about the effects of what is happening
to me physically. I have spent to much time studying and planning strategies to combat and stay afloat. I do them
now, without having to think about it. I just do what is good for me and avoid that which is adverse for me. Simple.
At this point I have no time or energy to waste. If my actions are not positive and creative, then I don't have time or
inclination to be involved. I also have to be very selective in what I choose though because there is so much good that
needs doing and ny time and energy is so limited.
I will try not to go so long in the future between chapters. I apologize for my long delay in writing. But for now,
I will close and wish you all to think on these things.
WHATEVER TOMORROW BRINGS
I knew it would be the last time I'd see you fall asleep, I would
tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time I see you walk out the door, I would
give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would videotape each act and word and play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or
two to stop and say "I love you" instead of assuming you know I do.
If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your
day....Well, I'm sure you'll have so many more so, I can let this one slip away.
For, surely, there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we
always get a second chance to make everything all right.
There will always be another day to say our "I love you's." And
certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's."
But, just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to
say how much I love you and hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike. And today may be
the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.
So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow
never comes, you'll surely regret the day That you didn't take that
extra time for a smile, a hug, or kiss, And you were too busy to grant
someone what turned out to be their one last wish.
So, hold your loved ones close today' whisper in their ear. Tell them
how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear.
Take the time to say: "I'm sorry"; "Please forgive me"; "Thank you"; or
"It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
A man bought a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade, stuck a straw in it and when he took his first sip, a lemon seed got
stuck in the straw. He worked on that straw for over an hour. His face got red and he ran out of breath, but the seed
hardly budged. After several hours of drawing on that straw, the seed finally turned and popped into the man's mouth
and was instantly washed down with the warm lemonade that followed. This just proves that if
at first you don't suck seed, keep on sucking til you do suck seed.
Here we go round again. I have been receiving some interesting mail lately from people who seem to think I am
being somewhat morbid here. And, it is to you I would like to address this next question. What are you doing back here
if you think this is so morbid? What are you doing in my space with your negative thoughts. I'll bet since you can't see
my warped sense of humor here, you are probably the kind of person who goes through life missing a lot. I just want
you to know I will pray for you to achieve "enlightenment."
Now on to more important things at hand. I had some enlightenment myself this morning just laying awake in the early
morning hours unable to sleep, I thought about death first as I seem to be loosing friends faster than I can make them.
They seem to be dying off from this damn disease or related causes. Seems more than half of COPD patients who die
die from a related cause and it doesn't get reported as COPD. It gets reported as something like stroke or Heart
Attack. Heart gave out trying to pump enough blood to keep lungs going. Anyway the "enlightenment" I received was
in regard to all the negative about care we receive from our doctors. Now there is a job you do either for one of two
reasons. terrific pay or dedication to people. It doesn't seem to me that you could have a middle ground. I wonder
how they handle working with patients for years and then loosing them to death. I'm not talking some of the patients.
I'm talking all of them. There is no other outcome. Course in my case I plan on outliving my doctor. How do I know
that? I don't really, I just know I'm gonna try like everything to do that. Anyway, now I think I have some insight as
to why we perceive indifference on the part of the doctor during our visits. Possibly it is not indifference. It very
well could only be his attempt as self-preservation. If they do not get too close on a personnel level to the patient then
the sense of loss is not as severe. If they let it get to them to much they would not be able to continue to function as
effectively as needed. So following logic, they just don't bother getting to close in the first place. And suddenly it
makes sense as to why in some instances doctors are reserve in their lack of forming a relationship with us.
(their patience) Whether one is doctor or patient, whatever our status in life we all seek self preservation,
physical, mental and emotional.
Life's lessons can be damaging, even when they are teaching us lessons. They can hurt us. When we get hurt we
tend to harden against the things that hurt us or even harden ourselves to everything. This is the easy way to
protect yourself and it is the easiest trap to fall into. But, to continue loving, and caring and hopping and looking for
the good that is still out there is not easy. It is just the only way to live with any self worth. I don't think I could
live any other way. I thank god for every day, rain or shine. Every event in my life, right or wrong. Every person,
positive or negative. "I am deeply in debt to everyone who has ever criticized, cursed or condemned me." All of it
has been a very learning experience. I hope I didn't blink too often and miss too much of these lessons life has taught me.
Tom the man who was living here went home to live on Wednesday as he just couldn't stand it here any longer he
told Donald. Too depressing!! So I am still looking for someone to live with us and share these surroundings. Cheap
and friendly living arrangements if interested. Email Me if interested. I really was sorry about Tom. I was hoping he
wasn't as wrapped up in cellophane as he appeared. I was wrong though. Yes, I am wrong sometimes also. I have
not achieved perfection yet. Probably never will. But, I will continue to try. Sometimes it's hell being human.
Sometimes I'm ashamed I'm part of the human race. But, there are times I am proud to be.
I would like to leave you today with these positive thoughts:
Your life at any time can become difficult........................Your life at any time can become easy.
It all depends upon how you adjust to life............. It's never the situation, it's your reaction to the situation.
The way you react to circumstances determines your feelings.
Your quality of life is determined not by what life brings to you,..............but by the attitude you have towards life.
What happens to you is less significant than what happens within you.
You cannot always control your circumstances,...................but you can control your own thoughts.
Thank you all for reading my Journal. Later........................
SAYING OF THE DAY
Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly.
They not only test the fiber of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new
fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger
than it was before.--------------James Buckham
AND A DISEASE LIKE COPD MAKES ONE MORE MINDFUL OF SUCH UTTERINGS !!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 1999
The following wasn't said by me. (but, I sure wish it was) It is so positive and so much like what I try to be like and am not
always successful. But, I do try....................And I will keep on trying.................... Here is what I really call positive vibes.
The Best Day of My Life
Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if
I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I'm going to celebrate! Today, I'm going to celebrate what an
unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because
they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will
marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds.
Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I'll make someone smile. I'll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don't even know. Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to someone who
seems down. I'll tell a child how special he is, and I'll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for him/her and how
much he/she means to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don't have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has
already given me. I'll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan
ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens.
I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will
sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best
day of my life, ever.........................Gregory M. Lousig-Nont, Ph.D.
I just hate it when other people say it before I get the chance to say it first. LOL
Every one be well and be HAPPY!!!
Thursday, September 23, 1999
Before I went to bed last night, as part of my nightly ritual and (proving to all of you what a geek I am) I checked my email
before retiring for the night. I found this email among the list. For those of you who have not bothered to read the other
offerings on my site, Listed off the home page, you will know that I am very involved in helping others quit smoking. Thus
the reason for this particular email. I offer it here only in the light of the pain it evokes in the sender for the sadness of
loving a smoker. The sheer sadness and pain from the picture painted in this email should serve as a warning to all,
to do all within your power to "STOP THE INSANITY" of cigarette smoking and the loss of life it is taking
on all. Not just the smoker but, (as pictured here) family as well. Here is the email:
have given us your mom's name and some information about her precious life.
These emails are posted
Friday, September 24, 1999
Some Days it feels so good when you wake up, you just know this is going to be a great day. You can just feel it
in the air. I am such a lucky person, I do not know what I have ever done to deserve all the blessings I have
received in my life. I have absolutely the best husband in the world as my lover, friend, caregiver, nurse, cook, gardener, chef, housekeeper, provider, pet groomer, and anything else I throw at him to undertake. What is so
special about this is he does them cheerfully. Is it any wonder that I marvel at how lucky I am. He does all this
and goes to work every day to provide the finical means to sustain us. I have wondered for a while now just what
I would do if I did not have him for a support person that I could rely upon. I guess I will not ever know for sure
unless that happens and I hope that that does not happen. i really would be afraid to find out. No, I don't think I
want my strengths were tested. This item was sent to a list I belong to and I think I will share it with you as it
meets what is on my mind today.
IS YOUR HUT BURNING?
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted,
I am wondering what I can do with this pile of ashes that is my life, because
the hut has been burned
little child whispered, "God, speak to me"
And a meadowlark sang. But the child did not hear.
So the child yelled, "God, speak to me!"
And the thunder rolled across the sky. But the child did not listen.
child looked around and said, "God let me see you"
And a star shone brightly. But the child did not notice.
And the child shouted, "God show me a miracle!"
And a life was born. But the child did not know.
the child cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here!"
Whereupon God reached down and touched the child.
But the child brushed the butterfly away.
And the child walked away unknowingly.
times, the things we seek are right underneath our noses.
Don't miss out on your blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect.
SATURDAY OCTOBER 2, 1999
A LESSON GOD GAVE US TO LEARN"
- Carpe Diem: Life
people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant
to be there, they serve
know who these people may be; your roommate, neighbor, professor, long
lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes
with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life
things happen to you and at the time they may seem horrible, painful and
unfair, but in
happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or
bad luck. Illness,
these small tests-if they be events, illnesses or relationships & dash;
life would be like a
you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience
create who you
hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have
helped you learn
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you
people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself
head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great
individual and believe in
Create your own life and then go out and live in it. "Laughter is the shock-absorber of life"
Day As If It Were Your Last & help;. Tomorrow is Not Promised"
minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
I found out last week the result of the gluegose tolerance test. It is diabetis. But, they do not know yet if I
will have to take insukine or just watch the diet. I am to eat no sweets for three weeks, then return for
another blood test on the 17th of october. On the 19th of October I havw a 12 minute walk at HUP for
my Lung Transplant.
On the 20thof October I have an appointment with my regular pulnonary doctor. Just because it is that 4
month period when we meet and he ask me how I fewel and I say of fine and he lidtens to me breath and
takes my BP and pulse ox and ask me if I need any scrips and then we set up next appointment for 4 more
months, We both have this routine down pat.
October 7, 1999 I was out shoping with my husband, Donald. We were in a Home Depot store and I told
him we had to get out of line and go, well he did not realize thye severity and by the time he got out he
had to take me to the emergency room. I was having manic anxiety attacks. I had been having them all
week and he has stayed home from work with me to see that I wasn't alone. They admitted me to the
hospital and they did a cat scan and they said sometime in the past I had had a mini-stroke. They
suggested a psychrisitiest come and see me and we discuss thes "anxiety attacks of mine" and they
could put me on a medication to correct the problem.
After a while a "God-type shrink came in and he and I did not hit it off because the first questions I asked
about the types of drugs he wanted to put me on I did not want to turn intio some kind of zombi" And he
said that was their worry and fdor me not to worry about it. Well anyone can see this is not the kind of
witch doctor for me. I told him i needed to have a choice about the type of drugs that I take and I wanted
to start out with the mildest available. He looked me square in the eye and saide it's been nice meeting
you and he walked out the door.
I thought OK "Good ridance to bad rubbish" So after that The nurses come in with papers for ne to sign for a discharge. which I did since they acted like I was some kind of freak. I got home around 4 Friday,
still suffering ongoing with anxiety (playing out worse case scenerioes, etc.) I called my regular
pulmonary doctor to get a scrip for a mild something to help me. He was on vacation, wouldn't you know it?
So his associate gave me a script for some ativan and asked that I call my doc back on Monday and let him know what is going on. They will I know, insist I talk to a psychiatrist. I guess at this point it doesn't matter. My energy
level is so low, I don't have the energy to fight anything any more. I'm tired and I need to work really hard on putting any energy I have into getting a friend here with me. So then I could concrentrate on work again.
God really is good to me. He has given me so much. So many friends. And such a wonderful family.
I have so much more than most to work with to make my disease easier to cope with.
I don't know why on occasion I have these anxiety attacks except they are part of what I live with and I think
(just my openion) that the anxiety is the worse part because it hinders me staying focused on the positive.
The positive is the healing process and the anxiety attacks are so negative in what they do to bring me down,
Or what I mean to say is try to bring me down as I can't stay down. I keep fighting it. I have fought it since 1986
without having to take any drugs for it. Now I have finely given in to the drugs to help me fight it.
The fight to breath is difficult by itself. Then there is the fight to stay on top of getting infections. They are everwhere. They are attracted to me like moths to a flame. They seek me out. Also have to really fight not loosing any more weight. I weigh 88 lbs. now. Forget ever gaining anything. Energy level is 0 and moving in reverse.
I use to spend 10 12 hours a day on the computer. Now spend only a couple a day.
I spend most of my time in bed with BOO looking out the window at "The Magic Forest"
Fox and we have even heard of a puma living there. Hawks fly overhead scanning for field food like voles,
chipmonk, squirl and rabbit that live around here. This is my magic forrest I love. And Boo does protect our property. I am going to call my doctor on Monday and see what I can do about these anxieties that are
zapping what little is left of my energy.
I still have a request out for someone who might want to be my room mate. If you think you might want to live in Media, Pa. (very Cheaply) as I won't charge housenote. I just want a friendly someone to exercise with.
talk to (sometimes) Quiet time sometimes. Shop with. Do light housekeeping with. BE a friend with,
If you think you might or would like an arrangement of this type click on this to write me and tell me what you think
you need for an arrangement like this to work for you. It has to work for both parties to be haqppy and that is what I want 2 happy friends. I am married to a womderful Donald and he knows that I need company other them him and I hardly go anywhere and his comment is :it could be interesting"
This is strickly a friendhelping friend arrangement with no hanky panky on anyone's part. If you know what I mean. That's about all Of this addition friends. Hope this chapter does not bore you.
So much has happened since the last time I wrote here in my journal that I realize I should have taken notes because I can't remember exactly when each event occured. So what I write happened sometime in the last 12 days. After I got out of the hospital I called the shrink my doctor recommended to make an appointment
and the earliest I could get was November 5th. So I asked my GP to recommend something for me to take for anxiety, and he and I both agreed to start me out on the smallest amount of a drug. So he put me on .5 mg of
Ativan and after about three days I was sleeping day and night. Falling asleep at meals I was itching all over my body and I broke out in hives. I could feel the stuff rushing through my veins. I still am itching all over and I still have some bumps on my body at pressure points on my body. I guess I am just strange. Also have had a sore throat for the last three days and felt extremely dizzy and like I was going to faint so I did not make my appointment at HUP yesterday. I was suppost to have a six minute walk and visit with my doctor. So I had to
reschedule appointment for that.
Don is trying to work out a work at home program with his company to do his job from home, which is basically just designing or redesigning things on the computer. So we would be getting a Company Computer with their software and probably have to put the second line back in as he would have to hook in to the Company Computer system, and our computers are hooked up to cable. So this would really be a computer
full house. I would loose my dressing room as that is the ideal room for "his office." It has a big window that looks out into the woods in back of the house and it is a soft blue color and a friendly room.
Another picture of our "Magic Forrest"
I also had an incident occur with some online friends, where a couple of on-line friendships were lost
because they did not understand the process of what was done and would not discuss details of the situation with me. It really hurt me as I thought more of them evidently than they thought of me. I know I would have answered their questions and I would have waited for an explanation from them. It just makes me sad that there is so little understanding between people, and especially people who are suppost to be your friends. It is always hard to loose a friend, regardless of how we loose them.
I found another friend during this time. A friend I went to jr. high school and part of high school with.
She now lives in Beaumont, Texas and we have exchanged a couple of emails and a chat on ICQ and I
hope to have a long continued friendship with a long lost friend. How did I find this long lost school chum?,
you ask? There are two sites on the web that allow you to contact people from your school days. That is
if they have signed up. You can go there and check if you like. The url adresses are.
1. http://www.highschoolalumni.com/ and 2. http://www.classmates.com/index.tf
Maybe you will get lucky like I did. I do not think these urls have been out there that long so if there are few to no names when you get there, I would keep checking back as people will keep hearing about it as the word keeps spreading. Anyway I think they are neat sites.
Later - - -
Sunday October 24, 1999
I Don't Know how many of you are familiar with the writer Og Mandino, but I would like to share something of his from "The Greatest Miracle in the World" Is has been very meaningful to me since I aquired COPD.
- - - - - -
The Greatest Miracle in the World
...Count your blessings and know that you are already my greatest creation. This is the first law you must obey in order to perform the greatest miracle in the world, the return of your humanity from living death.
And be grateful for your lessons learned in poverty. For he is not poor who has little; only he that desires much... and true security lies not in the things one has but in the things one can do without. Where are
the handicaps that produced your failure? They existed only in your mind. Count your blessings.
second law is like unto the first. Proclaim your rarity.You had condemned
yourself to a potterís field, and there you lay, unable to forgive your
own failure, destroying yourself with self-hate,
And now you have received two laws. Count your blessings! Proclaim your rarity!
no handicaps. You are not mediocre. You nod. You force a smile. You
admit your self-deception.
this field whence you cried there was no opportunity? Look! Look around
thee. See, where only yesterday you wallowed on the refuse of self-pity,
you now walk tall on a carpet of gold. Nothing has changed... except you,
but you are everything. You are my greatest miracle. You are
come to the fourth law of success and happiness... for I gave you one more
power, a power so great that not even my angels possess it. I gave
you... the power to choose. With this gift I placed you
all things with love...
your tears. Reach out, grasp my hand, and stand straight.
Tuesday November 2,1999
and Halloween is over, It came and went with no pomp or circumstance. Another day of average days. It is
strange when holidays are meaningless. But when there are no children around, halloween is a nothing
occurance. I live on a road with no houses around it and not easy to approach, so I have never had even
the stray "Trick or Treater." I had no children to carve or paint pumpkins with. I had no one but Donald to
bake a pumpkin pie for. But alas I took one look at my love and decided the last thing he needed was pumpkin pie. We did have dinner that evening with his sister and her husband at their home in Swarthmore. It is a
short 15 minute or so drive from here and I got a chance to see some autumn color beside what is in my
neck of the woods. The colors are oh so vivid this time of year and almost inspire me to paint some
Woodsy sceans. But no, I have promised myself that I will finish my tapestry I have been working on for 8 years.
It is double bed size and is an astrological fanatsy directional map. Upon completion I will have to photograph it and add it in my journal.
I talked to Renea and the grandchildren tonight and they are planning on coming for a week at Christmas. I
can not wait to love on those guys again. I hope they have not grown past allowing me to physically love on them.
I have about one third of my Christmas shopping done and I will finish up in the catalogues I suppose.
Everytime I fight the malls I come down with some kind of infection. I guess I'm not ready to take a chance on
that. Infections are hard to get rid of and every bout of recouping lowers function another degree. So an ounce of prevention for me is worth a pound of cure.
a picture of love or what? These are absolutely the sweetest loving
boys in the world. And I miss them a
Tuesday November 2,1999
I so much want to share this magnificent poem with all .
It was written by a virtual on-line friend. I hope you appreciate the real meaning here.
The poem just says it all for me and says it so well, I might add.
I am not the medication in the cupboard.
Nor the nebeulizer on the shelf.
And the machine there, in the corner-
Pumping air into my lungs.
Does not tell you who I am,
Or the songs that I have sung.
Do not look at me with pity,
For you will not view me right.
I am everything God made me.
And in my heart, I dance tonight.
freddie, on a golden day
Friday November 5,1999
Today is a very lazy Friday afternoon and my floor to ceiling, wall towall window once again beacons me come an linger, daydream and ponder. There is no resistance to this call that stirs within, to sit and contemplate my world. As I look, I am made aware that there is change evolving out there. Why
it was only yesterday those 70 ft. trees in the forrest at the back of our home were dressed in shades of beautiful emerald green and were alive with Rock Doves, Cardinals and Blue Jays. Today, the
trees are shamelessly doing a strip in front of my very eyes. They evidently were not satisfied either, with the golden colors of yellow, amber, oranges, reds and every varying shade in between. Soon they will be bare-bark naked to the world and when the winter winds begin to blow and my thoughts begin to grow. My mind plays out the worst-case scenario. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
the dark recesses of my mind I forsee.................The weather turning
colder by the day. The days growing shorter and darker.
The thoughts of the oncoming winter with rains, the hail, the snow.
And oh the mere thought of the trees laden with tons of ice that weight
them so dangerougly that it inevidablely causes loss of large limbs, if
not entire tree tops. The rememberances from past winters where this
has knocked out utility and/or phone lines. I shudder as I recall,
and I can feel once again the chest tightening. The breaths getting shorter
and shorter. The muscles in my stomach getting tighter and tighter.
My head getting lighter and lighter. The back of my neck getting warmer
and warmer. My heart beating out of my chest. I can't find
my breath at all now. My hands are so shakey. Can I even dial the
phone after I make it across the room to pick it up? Can I now dial
Saturday, November 6, 1999
I attempt to use a paintbrush instead of a broom to sweep away the cobwebs and paint my pictures with words. I suppose sometimes when there are too many 70 ft. trees in the picture one looses
sight of the forest. So may I please add:
"Tis not the
cold of the winter days, nor lack of food that I crave.
The Cold is
nothing that I fear or reject
Tuesday, November 9, 1999
An Exploration into Myself
As a person diagnoised at this point with severe COPD amongst other medical problems. It helps me from time
to time to reassess my priorities in life. I have come up with the following list. There is no order to this list as
every one of the items has importance in some large respect or it wouldn't be on the list to begin with.
Also just because an item is on this list, it does not mean I practice it. It means specifically that I aspire to
practice it and I am trying to aspire to those lofty goals. The problem being the mind is equally willing and
weak. (being a carbon-base catastrophe)
1. In dealing with others be kind, be truthful, be caring. If they do not return the favor, be forgiving.
2. Think back over your life and try to make right every one you ever did wrong (if you can, as best you can.)
3. For everyone who ever did ANYTHING wrong to you not only forgive them, but send up a prayer of thanksgiving
that they crossed your path as that event of wrong done you helped shape you into the person you are today.
4. What good am I, if I can not help someone who needs help. Always be ready with a helping hand, or a kind word
or a sincere prayer to a loving God who welcomes hearing from his children. (just like most loving parents.
And oh yea, don't always be asking your heavenly father for stuff. Try more often to thank him for the many.
many, many blessings he has already heaped upon you.
5. I think at this point in my life it does absolutely no good to let my good bone china with 24 k gold filigree
border and brass Chargers and brass flatware and my crystal glasses to stay unused in the china cabinet.
I certainly enjoy eating my almond crunch and drinking my oj out of them.
6. Likewise I enjoy waring my velvet dresses and pearls around the house while I am lounging on the couch with a good book. Somehow it makes this illness seem not so chronic.
7. I also have figured out how to pay my children back for being the routy children they were growing up.
I will not clean out the garage and attic and give all of my neat "Collection of stuff" away. I will let them
enjoy doing it later when I can look down from above and actually see with my own eyes that they did finely
lift a finger around this house. (tee hee)
8. Another most important thing on this list is to allways at every oppurnity let my Donald know how very much
he is loved and appreciated. He is another case in point of how very good my heavenly father has been to me.
He gave me the very best husband a woman could ask for. There will never be enough that I could do for
Donald as he truly is a gift I have been blessed with.
9. To take time out daily to go into the garden I have planted in my mind and walk with my saviour and try to absorb while there, as much of his goodness and mercy as I can so I will have it to share with others. My time in my
garden of meditation is very important to help me maintain my panic attacks. Christ says" Fear not for I am with
you" It is something I must remember from day to day. Christ truly is my salvation.
10. To try to remember that we all (including myself) are just human and we are not perfect and to stop expecting perfection from yourself or others. Expect less from yourself and others. Mellow out kid.
11. This is a hard one for me. That is try not to thuink so much and worry less. This one has all the sages of the
ages working on and noone has come up with the answer yet.
12. There are more I am sure that I have not mentioned. If you have a clue as to what they are just click here and
mail them to me and I will add them on. God bless all who pass through here looking for answers that I too wish
I had. Also mail them if you wander upon them.
Friday November 19, 1999
First of all, I want you to realize this very important FACT, I have had COPD for a very long time.
I was diagnoised in 1986, but, I had it long before that. COPD has been a process to learn to live
with and the fact of just knowing I have this dibiliating disease does not mean That I have just
accepted it and adjusted my life around it. (This is really hard to explain.) Every so ofter at
different levels of functional loss I relive the trama of the disease. It is like I am forced to relive
again the same feelings of loss I felt the first time I found out I had COPD. It is not like Ok, I've
got COPD, I accept that fact and now I will go on and never have to deal with that again. Oh No,
it doesn't work like that. We are forced at every point of "loss of lung capacity" to moan the loss
of more of our life. It is like the song says "take another little piece of my heart now, baby"
There is no point where this feeling of loss ceases. We will feel it as long as we live, I think.
But, with that realization I have to find within myself some means of copeing with my loss. It is
horrendous enough to lose what I am loosing of my healthf. I do not need to also loose my sanity.
Just to be perfectly honest with you, I started out hating exercise. Now I just do them without
thinking as I know what they have done for me. I just do them because they keep me going.
If we do our exercises as soon as we can after arising in the mornings, the rest of the day will
be so much easier on you. After a few weeks you will look forward to the exercise because
you know how much better you will feel after doing them. The exercise and non-smoking are
the two best things any of us can do to add quality and quanity to our lives. The third thing to
help ourselves is to educate ourselves in every aspect of our disease. This varries for each of
us because we all are different in our same disease.
It is awfully hard as a woman to come to the realization that vain and COPD do not belong
together in the same world. We all need to learn to adjust priorities all down the pathway of
what's left of our life. At every step of your life with COPD stop and ask yourself what is
important to you? And what you have to do to achieve it? Then you either do it or you don't
You either choose to fight or you choose to give up. No one can make these hard choices
for you. You know what you need to do. Your inner self always has the answer for you. It is
the vain worldly self that tries to throw you the curves. "remember priorities and stay on course"
Never loose sight of what we are really working for here. "Our very Life is the prize here"
I had my treadmill in my living room because I had no room for it anywhere else at that time.
I now have a den with treadmill, rowing machine and bike in it plus aroom for mat and other
stuff. I have a hard time dealing with the club as they have an indoor pool that reaks of pool
chemicals all over the place. "You don't want a treadmill in your bedroom you say." Well,
"I know for a fact, you don't want COPD, either." But, ypu have it anyway so readjust your
priorities to the reality of what really exists.
The way I delt with having o2 was I knew I needed it long before they gave it to me so when I
got it I was so hapy to get it. Because eithout it we become oxygen deprived and any or all of
our organs can become damaged. I was already having panic attacks from knowing I needed
the oxygen. (The inner self always knows)
One of the things you will find if you haven't allready is some people don't want to be around a
sick person. Some people will avoid you. Others will seek you out. Others will offer to help.
always accept all the help you can as you are giving that person a chance to feel good about
themselves and it offers an oppurnity to meet a new person or converse with an old buddy.
I do not like beeing teetered to a cord and being known as a "dope on a rope." But, I do not
dwell on something I can do nothing about. I guess I could consider the alternative and what
it would be like to live in a third world country and not have access to o2 at all. Then I would
just have to die. I guess You and I have it pretty good. It is all in how you access the situation.
Try telling God how thankful you are for the many blessings he has given you. Yes, even COPD
is a blessing, in the form of a lesson of life, we may or may not learn. It all is up to the indivigual
as to wheather they get it or not.
Right now I'm studying, and doing my homework also as this is one test I want to pass.
Saturday, November 27, 1999
is over and I am tunneling my way through a sad place in my life.
It is always , oops there goes another
Wednesday December 8, 1999
Conscious. ................................ ...................................Chronic
Observations of .......... brought on by .......... Obstructive
Powerful ...................... . Pulmonary
Dimensions ..................... ... . Disease
for: Creating Olivija'sPersonal Development
After being diagnoised
in 1986 with moderate COPD, and having survived for
over 14 years. I find myself now asking why I have been allowed to
live this long in relative free pain and infections. Why do I get
up daily and feel like I want to do all kind of wonderful things.
This is the last post of the year and it was written in Jan because in the last week of 1999 my computer died. It just wore out, I guess. So I forced Santa to bring me a new computer and now I am playing catch-up to get all my back pages done and emails answered and try to save what I can from old
computer to the new computer.
So as we leave corpse 4 and now click on corpse 5 you can bet you heard me scream a HURAY!!!
I MADE THE YEAR 2000!!!!
There were lots of times when I had my doubts if I would but, God is good. He keeps on giving and
I keep on taking. "Thank You God for all your Blessings"
Also I might add "They can't bury you if you are moving so keep on excercising."
See you on next page click below.
You are listening to:"Don't fear the Reaper"