What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report?
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and make it go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, then the puppy's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on a disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell
Last year I
upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the
product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash
2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to
purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- John Doe
Dear John Doe-
This is a very
common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the
system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.
Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or
remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back
to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried
to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
Warnings--Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in
the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects
Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a
non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar
products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infec
ted with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of
action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up
occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0:
--Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
--Frequently use Communicator 5.0
Tech Support ?,
"Source" "The Pigs"
"Hit (WWW)" "Source-code" "Microsoft"
"Heaven or Hell"
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory,
being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet
you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've
never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it
will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were
thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is
Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about
playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I
think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
at CompUSA's tech support desk. The lady
called in and told him her printer wasn't printing. That it
was just kind of making a "clunking" sound. He figured
it was jammed, so he said, "Why don't you just take the
paper tray out." "There's no paper in it." "What are you
trying to print?" "Oh, I'm trying to print a picture I got from
AOL onto a T-Shirt . .
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee and a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing
with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were
behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not
because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the
boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get
them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could
produce the Complete Works of Shakespeare;
Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
*** Attention ***
It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must
be shut down for
24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead
email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm (GMT) on
March 31st until
00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling
robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3 Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users,
apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up
for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of
electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation. Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff
Branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet
grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet
cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it.
Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.
- Al Gore
Blessings on this fine machine,
May its data all be clean.
Let the files stay where they're put,
Away from disk drives keep all soot.
From its screen shall come no whines,
Let in no spikes on power lines.
As oaks were sacred to the Druids,
Let not the keyboard suffer fluids.
Disk full shall be nor more than rarity,
The memory shall not miss its parity.
From the modem shall come wonders,
Without line noise making blunders.
May it never catch a virus,
And all its software stay desirous.
Oh let the printer never jam,
And turn my output into spam.
I ask of Eris, noble queen,
Keep Murphy far from this machine.
1988 Zhahai Stewart.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead
on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
Please log off." 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Completely examines every aspect of your computer,
then compiles a complex report that discredits every
aspect of your computer.
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.
Disks can no longer be inserted.
Your whole computer goes down.
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
Only attacks minor files.
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
-"If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer!"
If you messed up your life, you could press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on
If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up
To add/remove someone in your life, click
settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on find.
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from
And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a
Pizza would be on its way to YOU...
Top 12 Things you DONT want to hear from Tech Support .
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Time Is Of Essence
To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.
To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND
Ask a NASA scientist.
To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!!!
12 Things you don't want to hear from "Technical Support"
1. "Do you have
a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
2. "...That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
3. "So -- what are you wearing?"
4. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
5. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium
6. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
7. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife,
a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
8. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
9. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
10. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
11. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"
12. "Please hold for Mr. Gate's attorney."
The Start Of the Internet
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says... And lo it came to pass that
the trader by the name Of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com
was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And
she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were Several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and
drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the
best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, And Dot said, "There will be
a lot of drumming in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so". And the
drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without
ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the
greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of
drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates,
who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work
if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being
taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known,
"eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are". And Dot replied, "Young
Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". "Whoppie!" said Abraham. "Nah, YAHOO," replied Dot Com
last edited on 4-19-2003