Maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @.
The eMail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
A chat has nine lies.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Will Windows ever cease?
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like: http//www.home.com.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...."
UNIX, that is .... CRTs.... Workstations....
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
"Arizona is the place ya oughta be"
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...
Intel that is ..... dry heat.... no amusement parks....
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is.... unpaid.... mandatory....
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and managers gettin' mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is.... stressed out.... no social life....
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and was escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is.... de-briefed.... unemployed....
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch your bosses squirm.
Mllionaires, that is.... Bill Gates.... Steve Jobs....
Y'all come back now... ya hear......
Subject: Another one from Microsoft?
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses
two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need
for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98; DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec); and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The
suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional
is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services
sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for
startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known
as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install
the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.
After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user
must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it
is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major
concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most
serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most
of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each
time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks,
it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far
superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the
software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and
Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential.
He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each
other what we've been doing to our customers for years
You Might be Working for a Defense Company if:
1. You write
your personal letters in vu-graph format.
2. You use bullet format to make your grocery list.
3. You sat at the same desk for 3 years and worked for 3 different
4. Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro strips.
5. You are on a first name basis at your local unemployment office.
6. Your resume is on a diskette in your back pocket.
7. "Everything I needed to know I learned in Kindergarten" really
8. Your company name on your badge is applied with scotch tape.
9. You have no concept of time or date.
10. The sun is something you read about.
11. You have to call home to check the weather.
12. When the main topic of conversation is where the next job is or
who is being laid off.
13. Rumors, Rumors, Rumors.
14. All your friends who went to business school have their own window
office and secretary, and still make twice as much as you do.
15. If you say "If I tell, I'd have to shoot you" when asked about
what you do at work.
16. When you get excited about a 3% raise.
17. You can neither "confirm nor deny" what you are working on.
18. You refer to your marriage as a "teaming" arrangement.
19. You learn about your layoff on WABC radio.
COMPUTER TERMS DEFINITIONS
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user
feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is
Latin for "still doesn't work."
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger
"Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf
Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his
invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8,
1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error
message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death,
and Duffy began working for IBM.
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists
of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's
powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a
ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for
the program's shortcomings.
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps
to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when
you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock
and tells you the file format is unknown.
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or
The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help
feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series
of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output
to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the
skimpiest in terms of quantity.
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who
wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized
Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate
for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date.
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual
shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect
sense to a programmer.
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are
divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
1. Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might
break their computer.
2. Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer
after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
3. Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
Technical Support (aka Customer Service)
A usually busy or non-working phone number you call so that you can pay
to have an incompetent individual provide a meaningless answer to a
computer problem that you shouldn't have experienced in the first place.
"Problem exist Between Chair and Keyboard."
Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot.
They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke
fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly
stupid questions. Another variation on the above is
ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap
out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
1. [_] Mr.
[_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] Comrade[_] Classified [_] Other
Initial: ........ Last Name:
.............................. (max 8 char) Code
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... / .......
4. Serial Number: .................................................
check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell
Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
check the three (3) factors that most influenced
your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_]North America [_] Central / South America [_] Aircraft carrier [_]
Europe [_] Middle East [_] Africa [_] Asia / Far East [_] Misc. Third
World countries [_] Classified
check the products that you currently own or intend
to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
would you describe yourself or your organization?
(Check all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Primitive / Tribal
did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's check
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
13. To help
us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_]Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Commentsor suggestions
about our fighter planes? Please write to:
Marketing Department Military
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO
Signs you may be an Internet addict
1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy....fora year!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have mail in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.
talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your
ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. "Where did the time go?"
sit on line for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.....
22. You think faster than the computer.
You get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and stop to
check your mail.
Help Desk phone conversation: I understand the Corel employee was fired
Q - "Ridge
Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
A - "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Q - "What sort of trouble?"
A - "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Q - "Went away?"
A - "They disappeared."
Q - "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
A - "Nothing."
Q - "Nothing?"
A - "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Q - "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
A - "How do I tell?"
Q - "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
A - "What's a C prompt?"
Q -"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
A - "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Q - "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
A - "What's a monitor?"
Q - "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
A - "I don't know."
Q - "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power chord goes into it. Can you see that?" A - "Yes, I think so."
Q - "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
A - "Yes, it is."
Q - "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
A - "No."
Q - "Well, there are ---- I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."
A - " Okay, here it is."
Q - "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
A - "I can't reach."
Q - "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Q - "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
A - "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark."
Q - "Dark?"
A - "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window."
Q - "Well, turn on the office light then."
A - "I can't."
Q - "No? Why not?"
A - "Because there's a power outage."
Q - "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
A - "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Q - "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you bought it."
A - "Really? Is it that bad?"
Q - "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
A - "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Q - "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you fin
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But
will never work again.)
BOB DOLE VIRUS:
Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a
COLIN POWELL VIRUS:
Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you
Your computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the
appearing on both sides. The message says that the blame for
caused by the other side.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
part of your computer.
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the
or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS:
Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
Eats your hard disk.
Just does it.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS:
You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:
Your program stops every few minutes to ask for money.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to
itself as an
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Eerie news about Bill Gates and Microsoft.
Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, I thought I'd just let
you know these facts... Do you know that Bill gates' REAL name is
William Henry Gates III? Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III)
where III means the order of third (3rd).
> >< <
So, what's so eerie about this name?
> >< <
OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III and then convert it
in ASCII code (American standard code for information interchange)
and then ADD up all the numbers...you will get 666, which is the
of the beast!!!
> >< <
666 !!!! THE NUMBER OF THE DEVIL........
> >< <
> >< <
Maybe, but take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will get
666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.31!!!
< <> >
Are you sure this is not a Coincidence? You decide....
< <> >
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
> >< <
> > WINDOWS 95
> >< <
Okay now for the good part!!!!!!
> >< <
For those of you who still have the OLD xcel 95 (not office 97) try
1. Open a new file.
2. Scroll down until you see row 95.
3. Click on the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row
4. Press tab, to move to the second column.
5. Now, move your mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft excel
6. Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button
7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL OF TORTURED SOULS.
This is really eerie okay...it has a doom style format and you can
walk all around the hall (use your arrow keys)...and on the sides of the
walls are the names of the tortured souls....
8. NOW WALK UP THE STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, FACE THE BLANK WALL
AND THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to reveal
another secret passage, walk through the passage and DO NOT fall
off (this is the hard part!), when you get to the end, you will see
something really really eerie....
At this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world have
verified that it is a real eye opener. It could be a joke by MS
programmers or is it?......
Wouldn't be surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", after all it
was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful would rise up
and lead the world to destruction.
And Bill Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. More
than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and DOS (including
those at Pentagon!) If all his products have some kind of small
embedded (like this Hall of Tortured Souls) that can give him control,
setting off nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems,
financial systems all over the world, etc......All from his
isn't a far off reality! Just using Internet. Explorer may just allow
him to map out what you have on your computer bit by bit each time you
Perhaps the end times are near and this is just a tip of the iceberg!?
Quote from the Bible
"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and
slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so
that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the
name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom.
If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast,
for it is man's number. His number is 666."...Revelations 13:16-18.
See.... It is something for you to think about....if the Bible, in
the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the beast one
would not be able to buy, sell, do business transactions, etc. then.
My question to you now is this.....
Internet now a necessity in doing business? The Internet also
bears the sign... Note that the Internet is also commonly known as the
World Wide Web or WWW...One other way we write W is V/(VI) so ......
W W W = VI VI VI = 6 6 6
This gives me something to ponder upon... Isn't everything going
towards the Internet? (i.e., buying/selling goods, business
transactions) Isn't Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly
when it comes to software technology? And now the Internet?
Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be carried on
one's Hand and one's forehead.....
If the Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we all
starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? Screens
(forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)??? Are things finally
falling into place or are we just letting our imagination run???
Remember, the devil came to cheat, steal, and to destroy ....... so be
VIGILANT about Bill Gates and Microsoft.
"To agree or to not agree with the WWW or the Beast", is not the
question. What if the WWW is the 666? Or Bill Gates be the Beast?
What will you do?? Cancel subscriptions to the Internet? Resign
from Microsoft? Set out a campaign against Bill Gates in the
Shut down all Windows 95 forever? It will not do you any
good...think about all this and pray, pray really hard, or else
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And Gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the
terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as
well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret
Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such
other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company
shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the
user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light, ..., finders
keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be
the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and
fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe",
"fester.dat", and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the following message:
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and
wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so, you agree to accept
and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else
a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of
Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the over. Set the
oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08/.5min@50%heat//> Then enter:
(If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner,
enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the
weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap> This process may
have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold
reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft
Help and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety--Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of its
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a
bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on
The World Wide Web
10. Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for
Netscape 1.1"on one of the clouds.
8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed
acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
7. You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding
6. One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.
5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a
puddle, sendingyour car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates
you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately
look for the "Back" button.
4. You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and
again and again.
3. Your dog has his own webpage.
2. So does your hamster.
And the number 1 sign that you have overdosed on the World Wide Web:
1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on
the underlined passages.
Dr. Suess on Computers:
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you might as well reboot it and then go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, man, that sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom
>>>O<<>><< <<<>>> >><<>>O<<<
NEW VIRUS WARNING (Ha, Ha)
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk
curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram
your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend (ex-husband/wife) your new phone
number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your
beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company
coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and
interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
while dating your current boy/girlfriend (husband/wife) behind your back
and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up
and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and
subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs.
Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
Scientists completed building the largest and most powerful computer ever,
with a zillion gigabytes of memory. They entered all the known information
we have accumulated since the beginning of time. When they switched it on,
the first question they put to the super computer was: "Is there a God?"
The computer exclaimed, "There is now!"
IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN ............
1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom
and stop to check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this
awful empty feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with
your laptop on your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using word processor.com
9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
11. You don't know what gender three
of your closest friends are because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at......http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. After reading this message,
you immediately e-mail it to a friend
Don't Use Computers
.Saliva-coated mouse gets mightly difficult to maneuver.
.Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
.Too difficult to mark every website they visit.
.Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've got mail."
.Fire hydrant icon simply too frustrating.
.Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
.Not at all fooled by Chuck Wagon Screen Saver.
.'Cause dogs ain't geeks. Now, cats, on the other hand.....
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by
God. Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether
to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm
going to let you decide where you want to go.
Bill replied, Well, what's the difference between the two?
God said, I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help our decision. Fine, but where should I go first? I'll leave that
up to you. Okay then, said Bill, let's try Hell first. So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
This is great, he told God. If this is hell, I really want to see heaven. Fine, said
God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels
drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmm, I
think I'd prefer Hell. He told God. Fine, retorted God, as you desire. So
Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he
found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
being burned and tortured by demons. How's everything going? He asked
Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment.
This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I
can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the
beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?
Oh, God said, ......that was Hell 3.1. ...This is Hell 95.
> >> >==================< << <
If a swamp frog goes ribb-it...ribb-it...ribb-it;
and a Busch frog goes bud...wis...er;
Then I guess a Windows 95 frog goes
Re-boot Re-boot Re-boot
>>0<<<<< <> >>>>>0<<
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called
me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the
openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of
doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit
and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator
trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a
directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me,
"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about,
and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation
mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "I?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The
woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his is working fine."
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive? "
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she
downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the
to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that
something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons
a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't
was meant to --"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little
picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it
work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Here are some more "terrifying"
new viruses on the prowl
Lorena Bobbit VirusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Ollie North Virus Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files
Joey Buttafuco Virus Only attacks minor files
Michael Jackson Virus Preys on child processes
Ronald Reagan Virus Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda Virus Attacks your hard drive=C6s FAT
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expand to 300MB
AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole darn thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Federal Beaurocrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Congressional Virus #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't
allow the user to ccomplish anything
Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or
becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa virus Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Despite lucrative rewards, a COBOL programmer became weary of the
constant demands and tribulations of millenium projects and looked for
an escape. After careful consideration he decided to have himself
frozen in a cryogenic chamber, to be revived in January 2001 when the
whole mess would be over.
He awoke from the deep freeze to find himself surrounded by an excited
group, in a hospital, surrounded by strange looking equipment.
"Is it over?" he asked the group.
'Certainly is.' Replied the leader of the group 'But we have some
good news and some bad news.'
'What's the bad news first?' he asked
'Unfortunately the cryogenic chamber was not year 2000 compliant, and
you have been asleep for almost eight thousand years.' The leader
'Wow, so what's the good news?'
'The good news is that we have a highly paying job ready for you. You
see, it is now the year 9999, and your resume says that in 1999 you were
a COBOL programmer....'
Check out the following "software"...
Yet another customer service phone call.......
Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company
help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you
know....the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep: Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no
other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system
and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE
on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its
affect on every application you may have. It makes the
good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or
deletes the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run
Service Rep: Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV,
ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also,
FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external
violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all
those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will
be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external
devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the
brand name, or the age of the model.
Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for
too long. But what about the bad programs?
CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like
HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These
programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but
LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops
their commands from being executed and runs its own
instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you won't be able to
write with the fonts "BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".
Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free
CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it
automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every
external Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it
comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run
whatever version of LOVE they have and return
a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and
every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to
receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have
to come into contact with other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready
to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now.
Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running, ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will
eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own
called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off
GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE
from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.
Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and
RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What
does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet
been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated
programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you
have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT,
REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite
any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from
all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards
to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows
that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying
themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle
it from here. One more thing before I go...
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other
people and they will return some really neat modules back to
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.
TO MORE COMPUTER
THE BOO MISTRESS ICQ # 7562716