Comedian 9
LAWYERS

BILL OF NO RIGHTS

>0==========================0<
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.
>0================================================0<
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant:  I should have shot you while I had the chance.
>0====================================================0<
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the defendant?
Defendant:  No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
>0===================================================0<
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
>0====================================================0<
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff:  Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff:  Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
>0===================================================0<
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
>0================================================0<
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 23
questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases,
the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?"
 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
 6. "Did he kill you?"
 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 
 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
 10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
 11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"
 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
 13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By  death."
    Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?". 
 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral." 
 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A:"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."
 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
23.  Q:"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after
a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no." "--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died
in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he
would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he
would swerve back on the road.  One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he
would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.  He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".  "I'm going to the
church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.  "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."  The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.  Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with
him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed
the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when
he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door.

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A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing
$25,000.00 in cash.  He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three
envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin
and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that
there was only $10,000.00 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it
to a Mission in South America.  He asked for their forgiveness.

The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy
medical charity.  The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the
money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious
behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want
you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed,  my envelope contained my
personal check for the entire $25,000."

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A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest at the side of the road. He stopped to give
him a ride. Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road, and turned the truck on a
direct course to hit him. Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer." So at the last
second the truck driver swerved to miss him. Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard
a thump outside of the truck.  He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road.
Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father, I really tried to miss
that lawyer." The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

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o2@olivija.com

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last edited on 5-4-2003