...................................COMEDIAN 8...................................
RED NECKS OF THE WORLD UNITE

PLEASE REMEMBER TO TURN OFF MUSIC
BEFORE OPENING ANOTHER PAGE AS IT ALSO MAY CONTAIN ADDITIONAL MUSIC



 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 
SOUTHERN CHRISTMAS

 
LETTER FROM GRANDMA

 
Redneck Family Tree
  Author: Unknown
   
Many, many years ago, When I was twenty-three,
 For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
I got married to a widow, Who was pretty as could be.
the widow's grown-up daughterWho, was my step-mother.
 
This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red
 Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son
   
This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life.
My wife is now my mama's mom.And it sure makes me blue.
 My daughter was my mother For she was my father's wife.
Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too.
 
To complicate the matter worse, though it brought me joy,
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild
 I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild
   
 My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw.
 And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
 As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on 
the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the
man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife 
or children." The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!"

RED NECK SONG WRITING KIT

here's the song writtingkit...........................................
  DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS


(1)  I met her________ 
 on the highway 
in Sheboygan
outside Fresno
at a truck stop
on probation
in a jail cell
in a nightmare 
incognito 
in the Stone Age 
in a treehouse
in a gay bar
(2)________________;
at McDonald' 
in  September 
ridin' shotgun
wrestlin' gators 
all hunched over
poppin' uppers 
sort of pregnant
with the neon sign 
stoned on oatmeal 
with Merv Griffin
dead all over
(3) I can still recall____
that little hat
that purple dress 
that burlap bra
those training pants
the stolen goods
that plastic nose
the Stassin pin
the neon sign
that creepy smile
the hearing aid
the boxer shorts
(4) She was ______ 
sobbin' at the toll booth
drinkin' Dr. Pepper
eating lots of Twinkies
breakin' out with acne 
crawlin' in the prairie
smellin' kind of funny
sleepin' on the guardrail
chewin' on a hangnail
talkin' in Swahili
drownin' in quicksand 
 slurpin' up linguini 
(5)She cheated _____,
in the twilight
but I loved her
by the off-ramp
 near Poughkeepsie
with her cobra
when she shot me
on her elbows
with Led-Zeppelin
with Miss Piggy
with a wetback
in her muu-muu
(6) and I knew_______;
no guy would ever love her more..................... 
that she would be an easy score..................... 
she'd bought her dentures in a store.......
that she was rotten to the core...................... 
what strong deodorants were for ..................... 
that she would be a crashing bore..............
I'd never rate her more than "4".......................
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore.....................
that I would upchuck on the floor.........................
I'd have to scrape her off the floor ..................
(7) ________________
 I promised her 
I knew deep down
She asked me if 
I told her shrink 
The judge declared
My Pooh Bear said
I shrieked in pain
The painters knew 
A Klingon said
My hound dog thought 
blood test showed 
Her rabbi said
(8)I'd _______ forever;
stay with her
warp her mind
swear off booze
change my sex
punch her out
live off her
have my rash
stay a dwarf
hate her dog
pick my nose
play "Go Fish"
salivate
(9)She said to me____;
our love won't ever die 
there was no other 
man wasn't meant to fly
that Clinton didn't lie 
her hound dog was shy
Rolaids made her high
she ate swiss on rye
she had one blue eye
her dad's name was Hy
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"
birthdays made her cry
I wouldn't ware no tie 
(10)But who'd have thought she'd ________
run off
wind up
boogie
yodel
sky dive
turn green
freak out
blast off
make it
black out
bobsled
grovel
(11)_______________;
with my best friend
in my Edsel
on a surfboard
on "The Gong Show"
with her dentist
on her "Workmate" 
with a robot
with no clothes on 
at her health club
in her Maytag
with her guru 
while in labor 
(12)_______goodbye.
You'd think at least that she'd have said............
I never had the chance to say.........................
She told her fat friend Grace to say...............
I now can kiss my credit cards..........................
I guess I was too smashed to say............
I watched her melt away and sobbed..................
She fell beneath the wheels and cried...........
She sent a hired thug to say.................................
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed.......
I pushed her off the bridge and waved..........
But that's the way that pygmies say...................
She sealed me in the vault and smirked..........

 
Queer Cowboy and Redneck Web Ring
Redneck Woman's Little Net Home

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
     Compiled By: Bill Atchley (atchley@coltrane.gnets.ncsu.edu)

Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
 Heaven's Just A Sin Away
 Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
 Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
 Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
 How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
 How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
 How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
 I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
 I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
 I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
 I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
 I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
 I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
 I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
 I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
  Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
 I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
 I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure
We Got An Even Deal
 I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
 I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
 I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
 I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
 I Meant Every Word That He Said
 I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
 I Wanna Whip Your Cow
 I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
 I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
 I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
 I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
 I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
 I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
 I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
 I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
 I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
 I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
 I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
 I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
 I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
 I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
 If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
 If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
 If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
 If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
 If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
 If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
 If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
 If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
 If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love
 If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
 If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
 If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
 If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
 If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
 If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
 It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
 It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
 Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
 Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
 May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
 My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
 My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
 My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
 Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
 Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
 Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
 Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
 Please Bypass This Heart
 She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
 She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
 She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
 She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
 She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.
 Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
 Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
 Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
 The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
 There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal
 They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
 Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
 Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
 What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
 When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
 When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
 Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
 You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
 Drop Kick me Jesus through the Goal Post of Life
 You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You're A Cross I Can't Bear
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Take this test to find out if you are in fact a Redneck.

  (1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
 a) all foods
 b) all foods
 c) all foods
d) all foods

    (2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
True or False

.........................................................(3) What is 8 + 3?
...................................................................................a) what?

                         ................... b) the number of people living in your trailer hom
                                                                   c) fertilizer
                                           d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(4) I will cheat on my husband...

 a) for a quart of Schlitz
                                  b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
                      c) because he cheats on our daughter
                                d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove
 ..........................(5) I wash my underwear when.............
              a) I go swimming with it on
  b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains heavy
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(6) I brush my teeth when...................
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed some
  c) it rains real hard
             d) Never. I don't have teeth

 (7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?

a) 15-20
b) 21-25
 c) 26-30
d) beer

...............>>>>>>>>>>>>>>(8) My favorite book is..............................

 a) TV Gui
b) Jaws
                 c) Bob Barker's Bio
               d) What is a book?

      (9) Country music is so great because.....................................
a) it makes me cry
                 b) it goes good with fried food
                                      c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
                                        d) seperates the beer and pick-up truck crowd
                         from the drug and rock crowd

(10) Nothing is more intelectually stimulating than...
   a) Oprah
 b) okra
            c) a V8 engine
                     d) greased up goats

......................................................(11) Cholesterol is.................................

..................a) monster truck fuel
 b) a laxative
.........................................................c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
... d) don't know

.....................................................(12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy

....................a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
....b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
.........................d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

......................................................(13) Women should...............................................

   ...............................a) never clean house unless they're naked
.........................b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
.................d) bait their own hook


The BubbaNet
Cowboys® Redneck Page

BILLY-the-KID
             Shares his thoughts on Texas.

One of my favorite things about Texas is all the wide open space. It
gives us plenty of room to sit around and watch TV.

                      All towns in Texas are about 30 miles apart.
Graypa says that's because when people used to travel by horseback, they
could only ride about 30 miles in one day.  It's obvious to me, however,
that towns were built where the Dairy Queens were - otherwise the
rednecks back then would have starved to death. So Graypa made me ride
horseback with him to Pleasanton - to prove his point. Guess where he
bought me dinner that night.

I asked momma how she gets her hair to stand up so high. And she said
"the same way they make cotton  candy". Papa thought that was funny so
he untied her and let her go to the bathroom.

It's tough being a 2-year-old in Texas because whenever I ask someone
for a cigarette, they spank me and make me chew tobacco instead. They
say that only homosexuals smoke cigarettes. What are homosexuals,
anyway? And why do they have to sit in the worst section at restaurants?

 I remember when Granpa lost control of his chainsaw and cut off both
his legs. At first, he was embarrassed and wanted me to swear that I
wouldn't tell anybody. But thinking quickly on my feet I said: "Wait a
second, now I'M giving the orders around here Pip Squeak!"

Girls in Texas are really strong. One morning I went into my parents
bedroom without knocking and saw momma and daddy wrestling. Momma was
definetly winning. She had his arms pinned back and, for several
minutes, he couldn't seem to buck her off. He finally just gave up.

They say that history repeats itself. Well this time around, while
everybody else is photographing the  limousine, I'm going to get good
clear pictures of everybody standing on the grassy knoll.

Everybody thinks art in Texas is unsophisticated. But that's just what
windmills and bluebonnets look like.

It's really strange. Girls here don't fart unless they're sleeping. I
guess they're dreaming they're in Heaven.

One thing about Texans is they're easily tricked. If you throw
rattlesnakes and coyotes in their hair, they almost always get bit.

Another thing about Texans is they're not afraid of anything. If they
see a sign that says "Danger. Low Water Crossing" and in fact they see
flood waters rushing across the road, they go ahead and try to get
across, anyway. But that might be just because they like to be on TV.

It's kind of silly to ask "how many Dallas Cowboys it takes to screw in
a light bulb?  "because it varies so much from one topless dancer to the
next. Some strippers just put up more of a fight than others.

The claim that everything is bigger in Texas is just not true. A
teaspoon of Chile powder in Texas is about the same size as a teaspoon
of Chile powder in Maine. But after we've added water, and heated the
mixture with a match, we use a much bigger syringe than they would in
Maine.

Whenever I go on a hayride I always have to wonder: "What are all the
other people in the world doing, and how do THEY get to the Mall?"

Show me anyone who is as proud of their state as any given Texan, and
I'll show you someone that buries their unwanted children behind their
trailer home.

Why does everyone want to come see the Alamo? Can't they find t-shirts
and coffee mugs in their own home town? Or is it just that common
denominator that drives us all to go see a battlefield where Americans
were slaughtered by someone from another country?

My little Texas sweetheart got mad at me when I used the word "piss".
But that's exactly what she did in my garage.

I'm convinced that Texas has the best Mexican food in the world,
because when I went to Mexico, they didn't have any.

There's only two seasons in Texas - summer and the rainy day. But when
the sun goes down,some sort of wintery ice must form on the ground
because everybody slips and falls, spilling their whiskey all
over their marijuana cigarettes.

I've been asking people around here what the word "consciousness" means
and they all give me the same answer: "Those boring moments between
naps."

People often say "let bygones be bygones". But if they were given a
choice, wouldn't bygones choose to be hexagons - or biplanes? Nobody
ever thinks about that.

Grandpa once told me that Texas was so big and heavy so that it wouldn't
fly off from the Earth. He told me the Earth spins around real fast. So
I asked him why Rhode Island didn't fly off the Earth. But by then he
had already gone next door to get a beer.


"Redneck Lures"
Jeff Foxworthy, you might be redneck if..: 

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.


Redneck Strong Mild Brew
 Extreme Redneck Sports

REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE

Kudzu is green,
      my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
      to have a sweet thang like you
Still them fellers at work
      They all want to know,
      What I did to deserve
     Such a purty, young doe.
And when you get old
      Like a '57 Chevy,
      Won't put you on blocks
      And let grass grow up heavy.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
     A-flapping in the breeze.
      Softer than Blue's
 And without all them fleas.
Like a good roll of duct tape
   Yo're there fer yore man,
  To patch up life's troubles
    And stick 'em in the can.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
      With a RC cold drank,
      We go together
      Like a skunk goes with stank.
You move like the bass,
    Which excite me in May.
      You ain't got no scales
      But I luv you anyway.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
      Racin' through the mud,
   Yet fragile as that sanger
      Named Naomi Judd.
Some men, they buy chocolate
      For Valentine's Day;
      They git it at Wal-Mart,
      It's romantic that way.
You're as graceful as okry
     Jist a-dancin' in the pan
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
      Right out of the can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
      A-buzzin' overhead.
      You ain't mean like no far ant
      Upon which I oft' tread.
Some men git roses
      On that special day
      From the cooler at Kroger.
      "That's impressive," I say.
You have all yore teeth,
      For which I am proud;
      I hold my head high
      When we're in a crowd.
Cut from the best pattern
      Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
      You sparked up my life
      Like a Rattletrap shad.
Some men buy fine diamonds
      From a flea market booth.
      "Diamonds are forever,"
      They explain, suave and couth.
On special occasions,
      When you shave yore armpits,
      Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
    I'm plumb outta my wits.
When you hold me real tight
      Like a padded gunrack,
      My life is complete;
      Ain't nuttin' I lack.
 But for this man, honey,
      These will not do.
      For you are too special,
      You sweet thang you.
And speakin' of wits,
      You've got plenty fer shore.
      'Cuz you married me
      Back in '74.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
    Like the best vinyl sidin'.
      Despite all the years,
    Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
I got you a gift,
      Without taste nor odor,
      Better than diamonds
      it's a new ridin' mower.

 
Red Neck Rampage Game
Red Neck Rampage Rides Again!
Diagnosing a "Redneck" Jedi 
a  redneck Jedi Knight if...
You're a redneck if
Red Neck Rhyme Central
Redneck Hippy Page
Red Neck Jokes of Fort Ogdon
Redneck Gaijin's Art Gallery
Red Neck Ebonics
Naughty Humor, and Wicked Wit
Drew's Red Neck Heaven
Frog and the Red Neck
Might be a Red Neck Geek if..
Roadkill Cafe
Bubba Country Store
Redneck and Hillbilly Page
Red Neck Antiques
Redneck Etiquette
Red Neck Computer Lingo
Redneck Microwave
Red Neck Wonderland
Red Neck Web Barn Tips
Redneck Enterprises
Politically Incorrect Page
Red Neck Denizine
Red Necks Back Porch
Red Neck Boat Anchor Page
Redneck & Trucker's Resources
 Countdown to 2000
Typical Redneck
Red Neck working on computer
The Red Neck Penguin
Best Red Neck Jokes
Red Neck Medical Dictionary
Red Necks, Sports, Your Mama
 Cottonwood Redneck
Blond’s Minnesota Red Neck
 Civill War and Hunting
 Red Neck's MM6 File Area
The Offical Red Neck Page
 Red Neck Etiquette
  Red Neck Jokes
Jokes for Rustically Inclined
 Red Neck Zombies!!
 Toms Red Neck Home Page
 Red Neck Volunteer Fireman
 Illiterate's Guide to Computers
 Native American Red Neck
Red Neck Jokes
 Red Neck Dumb List
 Hi-Tech Redneck Jokes
 Red Neck Halloween Page
Red Neck Humor 
Red Neck Wonderland
 Redneck Recreation
 Southern and Proud
  Rebel's Redneck Corner
Billy-Bob Teeth
 Country Stars and their Music
 Red Neck Rebel without a clue
 Welcome to Red Neck Rifles
Mr. Red Necks Homepage
Red Neck Technologies, Inc.
 Red Neck-Red Neck-Red Neck
 Red Neck Kuntry
Red Neck-White Trash Jokes
You never hear a Red Neck say
 
 High Teck Red Neck
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 Red Necks Pagans
 Redneck Computer Lingo
 
Bubba's Outhouse Press
 Red Neck Quake

Redneck Drivers License Application

Last name: ________________(Check appropriate box)
 Last name:
             Last name:
 (_) Billy-Bob
             (_) Bobby-Sue
 (_) Billy-Joe
             (_) Bobby-Jo
 (_) Billy-Ray
             (_) Bobby-Ann
 (_) Billy-Sue
             (_) Bobby-Lee
 (_) Billy-Mae
             (_) Bobby-Ellen
 (_) Billy-Jack
(_) Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Waitress
(_) Un-employed
(_) Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
  (_) Sister
          (_) Aunt
                   (_) Brother
                              (_) Uncle
                                       (_) Mother
  (_) Son
          (_) Father
                   (_) Daughter
                              (_) Cousin
                                       (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: __________

Number of children living in shed: _______________

Number of children that are yours: ______________

Mother's Name: _____________________________

Father's Name: _________________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you ( ) own ( ) rent your mobile home. (Check the appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
 (_) The National Enquirer
                      (_) The Globe
                                  (_) TV Guide
                                             (_) Soap Opera Digest
                                                 (_) Rifle and Shotgun

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:
 (_) Yellow
          (_) Brownish-Yellow
                            (_) Brown
                                     (_) Black
                                             (_) N/A

How often do you bathe:
 (_) Weekly
           (_) Monthly
                     (_) Not Applicable
How far is your home from a paved road?
 (_) 1 mile
          (_) 2 miles
                   (_) don't know
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_) Red-Man
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

 
 

 Enjoy!
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
 Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to
 see some pitiful yankee queer.

 The bartender looks up and says,
 "You ain't from around here, are ya???  Where ya from, boy?"

 The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

 The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

 The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

 The bartender asks,
 "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

 The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

 The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
 "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"


More Red Neck Rampage Game
 The Red Neck Headquarters

Bible Belt

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,  "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty  rumors!"
The crowd fell  into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I
am a member  of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty  party confess and
apologize now - right here  before my flock of loyal followers."  Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
   "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends.....
that you were a wizard under the sheets."


MEN

"I like an 'outdoorsy' girl" means that he's really one of those crotch-scratching overall-wearing, tobacco-juice-spitting no-neck types called "Bubba" who would throw you into a four-wheeler
and take you jolting up and down over ruts to a place in the woods where there are no roads,
let alone bathrooms, and molest you without a chance of someone hearing you scream.
If you can't take him out with one blow, don't go.

If he obviously cares more about his car than he does about you, get out.

If the first thing he wants in the morning is not a cup of coffee but a shot of whiskey, get
out while you can.

If he ever says, "I ain't never met a girl who didn't like…," get out as fast as you can.

If he gets you nothing for your birthday, Christmas, etc., get him the same thing.

If he says, "I'm going…" instead of, "Let's go…," get out.

If he can't ever give you a straight answer, even to a "yes" or "no" question, get out fast.

If he says, "I'm tired tonight. I think I'll go right to sleep," for five days in a row, but he wants
to wake you and get romantic on the sixth day, tell him to go to Hell before you get out.

If you can tell when he's awake because the snoring in the bedroom stops, and the bathroom
noises start, don't expect it to get any better.

Realize early on that there are many things about which he won't have a clue. This will help you
to avoid situations like, "I was going to buy you a ring, Honey. What size do you wear?" It is
best not to be cute and reply, "Same size as my panties." He has NO idea what that is.

Older family members and friends will try to warn you about boys and that "I love you" crap.
Believe them. Sometimes a boy will be creative and phrase it as, "I need you." Translated, they
both mean, "Take off your panties."

Almost anything he says early in the relationship means, "Take off your panties."

If he says, "I love you," early in the relationship, he's just making noises to SOUND like a
caring partner.

When his idea of foreplay is, "Move over," or "Turn over," it's too late for him.

Much later, after you have already started packing up the household goods, and perhaps you
have thrown his clothes out into the yard, THEN he will say.  "I love you," but he still won't mean it.
Occasionally, he will get a clue from the sight of the smoke billowing from his burning clothes.

Never allow him to handle the budget. It is far too complicated for the male mind.

Behaving like an ass, being stupid, or just generally acting idiotic, or being annoying is gender
related.  They can't help it, but they can be helped…to find the door.

Almost anything you do with an "I'll show him" attitude will backfire on you. That's primarily true
because women learn from their mistakes; men don't.

OK-in case you get the wrong impression, Mary does not hate men We all get our turn in the barrel.

TIPS FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
 
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right. 
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 
f you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and
        a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. 
Do not buy food at the movie store. 
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a
Boston accent. 
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 
People walk slower here. 
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. 
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One
        hundred percent are in denial about it. 
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here. 
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay til the last shovel of dirt is thrown and the tent is torn down. 
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will
        ever say. 
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car
        with southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. 
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other
        drivers. 20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. 
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is
     required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something
        you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your
        trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. 
In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as,
        "Laud, have mercy," "Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy." 
As you are outraged at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember,
        many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
        position for the vehicle. 
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks,
        you're better off trying to find it yourself. 

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his
beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
+++
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?  The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.
+++
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?  "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to
Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
+++
How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?  When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak
in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
+++
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?  There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
 +++
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?  It seems they want to keep
alcohol out of the high schools!
+++
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?   A documentary.
+++
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?  Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
 +++
 Why did God invent armadillos?  So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
+++
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
+++
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?  The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
 +++
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the same DNA.
 +++
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in LittleRock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
 +++
 A new law recently passed in North Carolina:  When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
 +++
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?  I-40.
 +++
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
 Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
 +++
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and
 shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"  "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
 "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
 +++
 Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?  'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
 +++
  What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?   A full set of teeth.
 
 

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LAST EDITED 5-4-2003