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RED NECK SONG WRITING KIT

here's the song writtingkit...........................................
  DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
     Compiled By: Bill Atchley (atchley@coltrane.gnets.ncsu.edu)

Take this test to find out if you are in fact a Redneck.

  (1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
 a) all foods
 b) all foods
 c) all foods
d) all foods

    (2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
True or False

 (7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?

a) 15-20
b) 21-25
 c) 26-30
d) beer

      (9) Country music is so great because.....................................
a) it makes me cry
                 b) it goes good with fried food
                                      c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
                                        d) seperates the beer and pick-up truck crowd
                         from the drug and rock crowd

(10) Nothing is more intelectually stimulating than...
   a) Oprah
 b) okra
            c) a V8 engine
                     d) greased up goats

BILLY-the-KID
             Shares his thoughts on Texas.

One of my favorite things about Texas is all the wide open space. It
gives us plenty of room to sit around and watch TV.

                      All towns in Texas are about 30 miles apart.
Graypa says that's because when people used to travel by horseback, they
could only ride about 30 miles in one day.  It's obvious to me, however,
that towns were built where the Dairy Queens were - otherwise the
rednecks back then would have starved to death. So Graypa made me ride
horseback with him to Pleasanton - to prove his point. Guess where he
bought me dinner that night.

I asked momma how she gets her hair to stand up so high. And she said
"the same way they make cotton  candy". Papa thought that was funny so
he untied her and let her go to the bathroom.

It's tough being a 2-year-old in Texas because whenever I ask someone
for a cigarette, they spank me and make me chew tobacco instead. They
say that only homosexuals smoke cigarettes. What are homosexuals,
anyway? And why do they have to sit in the worst section at restaurants?

 I remember when Granpa lost control of his chainsaw and cut off both
his legs. At first, he was embarrassed and wanted me to swear that I
wouldn't tell anybody. But thinking quickly on my feet I said: "Wait a
second, now I'M giving the orders around here Pip Squeak!"

Girls in Texas are really strong. One morning I went into my parents
bedroom without knocking and saw momma and daddy wrestling. Momma was
definetly winning. She had his arms pinned back and, for several
minutes, he couldn't seem to buck her off. He finally just gave up.

They say that history repeats itself. Well this time around, while
everybody else is photographing the  limousine, I'm going to get good
clear pictures of everybody standing on the grassy knoll.

Everybody thinks art in Texas is unsophisticated. But that's just what
windmills and bluebonnets look like.

It's really strange. Girls here don't fart unless they're sleeping. I
guess they're dreaming they're in Heaven.

One thing about Texans is they're easily tricked. If you throw
rattlesnakes and coyotes in their hair, they almost always get bit.

Another thing about Texans is they're not afraid of anything. If they
see a sign that says "Danger. Low Water Crossing" and in fact they see
flood waters rushing across the road, they go ahead and try to get
across, anyway. But that might be just because they like to be on TV.

It's kind of silly to ask "how many Dallas Cowboys it takes to screw in
a light bulb?  "because it varies so much from one topless dancer to the
next. Some strippers just put up more of a fight than others.

The claim that everything is bigger in Texas is just not true. A
teaspoon of Chile powder in Texas is about the same size as a teaspoon
of Chile powder in Maine. But after we've added water, and heated the
mixture with a match, we use a much bigger syringe than they would in
Maine.

Whenever I go on a hayride I always have to wonder: "What are all the
other people in the world doing, and how do THEY get to the Mall?"

Show me anyone who is as proud of their state as any given Texan, and
I'll show you someone that buries their unwanted children behind their
trailer home.

Why does everyone want to come see the Alamo? Can't they find t-shirts
and coffee mugs in their own home town? Or is it just that common
denominator that drives us all to go see a battlefield where Americans
were slaughtered by someone from another country?

My little Texas sweetheart got mad at me when I used the word "piss".
But that's exactly what she did in my garage.

I'm convinced that Texas has the best Mexican food in the world,
because when I went to Mexico, they didn't have any.

There's only two seasons in Texas - summer and the rainy day. But when
the sun goes down,some sort of wintery ice must form on the ground
because everybody slips and falls, spilling their whiskey all
over their marijuana cigarettes.

I've been asking people around here what the word "consciousness" means
and they all give me the same answer: "Those boring moments between
naps."

People often say "let bygones be bygones". But if they were given a
choice, wouldn't bygones choose to be hexagons - or biplanes? Nobody
ever thinks about that.

Grandpa once told me that Texas was so big and heavy so that it wouldn't
fly off from the Earth. He told me the Earth spins around real fast. So
I asked him why Rhode Island didn't fly off the Earth. But by then he
had already gone next door to get a beer.

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE

Redneck Drivers License Application

 Enjoy!
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
 Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to
 see some pitiful yankee queer.

 The bartender looks up and says,
 "You ain't from around here, are ya???  Where ya from, boy?"

 The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

 The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

 The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

 The bartender asks,
 "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

 The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

 The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,
 "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Bible Belt

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced,  "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty  rumors!"
The crowd fell  into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I
am a member  of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty  party confess and
apologize now - right here  before my flock of loyal followers."  Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
   "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends.....
that you were a wizard under the sheets."

MEN

"I like an 'outdoorsy' girl" means that he's really one of those crotch-scratching overall-wearing, tobacco-juice-spitting no-neck types called "Bubba" who would throw you into a four-wheeler
and take you jolting up and down over ruts to a place in the woods where there are no roads,
let alone bathrooms, and molest you without a chance of someone hearing you scream.
If you can't take him out with one blow, don't go.

If he obviously cares more about his car than he does about you, get out.

If the first thing he wants in the morning is not a cup of coffee but a shot of whiskey, get
out while you can.

If he ever says, "I ain't never met a girl who didn't like…," get out as fast as you can.

If he gets you nothing for your birthday, Christmas, etc., get him the same thing.

If he says, "I'm going…" instead of, "Let's go…," get out.

If he can't ever give you a straight answer, even to a "yes" or "no" question, get out fast.

If he says, "I'm tired tonight. I think I'll go right to sleep," for five days in a row, but he wants
to wake you and get romantic on the sixth day, tell him to go to Hell before you get out.

If you can tell when he's awake because the snoring in the bedroom stops, and the bathroom
noises start, don't expect it to get any better.

Realize early on that there are many things about which he won't have a clue. This will help you
to avoid situations like, "I was going to buy you a ring, Honey. What size do you wear?" It is
best not to be cute and reply, "Same size as my panties." He has NO idea what that is.

Older family members and friends will try to warn you about boys and that "I love you" crap.
Believe them. Sometimes a boy will be creative and phrase it as, "I need you." Translated, they
both mean, "Take off your panties."

Almost anything he says early in the relationship means, "Take off your panties."

If he says, "I love you," early in the relationship, he's just making noises to SOUND like a
caring partner.

When his idea of foreplay is, "Move over," or "Turn over," it's too late for him.

Much later, after you have already started packing up the household goods, and perhaps you
have thrown his clothes out into the yard, THEN he will say.  "I love you," but he still won't mean it.
Occasionally, he will get a clue from the sight of the smoke billowing from his burning clothes.

Never allow him to handle the budget. It is far too complicated for the male mind.

Behaving like an ass, being stupid, or just generally acting idiotic, or being annoying is gender
related.  They can't help it, but they can be helped…to find the door.

Almost anything you do with an "I'll show him" attitude will backfire on you. That's primarily true
because women learn from their mistakes; men don't.

OK-in case you get the wrong impression, Mary does not hate men We all get our turn in the barrel.

Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his
beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
+++
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?  The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.
+++
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.  The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?  "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to
Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
+++
How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel?  When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak
in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
+++
How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?  There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
 +++
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?  It seems they want to keep
alcohol out of the high schools!
+++
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?   A documentary.
+++
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?  Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
 +++
 Why did God invent armadillos?  So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
+++
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
+++
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?  The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
 +++
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the same DNA.
 +++
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in LittleRock, Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
 +++
 A new law recently passed in North Carolina:  When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
 +++
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?  I-40.
 +++
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
 Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
 +++
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and
 shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"  "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
 "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
 +++
 Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?  'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
 +++
  What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?   A full set of teeth.
 
 

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LAST EDITED 5-4-2003