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Jokem 7

TRUE STORY AND A GOOD LAUGH...

Cross my heart this happened to this who guy lives in Westchester,NY, and goes to
school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is
also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the
courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the
courage to ask her out.  She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like  Prohibition is
coming back.  Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he  can't make it through twenty
minuteswithout either throwing up or using  the bathroom. After several hours of this,
he is able to stop throwing  up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.  He
doesn't want  to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about  a 30 minute
ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself  during the appetizers to use
the bathroom.  They enjoy the rest of the  appetizers without interruption, but he has
to go back again during the entrees.  They decide to get dessert.  During dessert, our
hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak,
so he holds it.  After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas
 stored up.  He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table  (discreetly,
of course).  Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise.

"Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right  away, our
hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting  on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert,  trying to figure out what to do
before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b)  start to show stains on the outside.
He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking
like a cowboy.  On the way to the train station, they pass  the Gap. "Do you mind if
run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at  last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd
like to look around too," she replies.  They go into the Gap.  Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the  right, women's fashions are on the left.  They split up.
Our hero grabs the  first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a  pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
brings both items to  the register.

His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make  sure that she
doesn't see him buying the pants.  He doesn't even want the  sweater, so he says
through clenched teeth (just in case his date can  read lips from 40 feet away) "Just
the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.  "Just the pants!"  (Eyes still trained on his
date.)  Gap girl: "Oh,  OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.  They board
the train just before it leaves the station and find  two seats in the middle of the car. Without
sitting down, our hero excuses  himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.
He gets to the  bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer  shorts.
He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

How to handle the police

  This story would go in rec.humor except a personal friend of the woman
 involved assured me it actually happened: (This is more likely an urban legend.)

  The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a
California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened
his ticket book she said:  "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

  He replied:  "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

  There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle  and left.

  She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.  However, in government we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
 
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Pass legislation declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Blaming the horse's parents.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA (Cost Analysis) Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Procure a COTS (Commercial Off The Shelf) dead horse.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. BRAC (any guesses?) the horse farm on which it was born.
22. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Agnostic: a man who is certain in his belief that he doesn't know anything.

Hell: where churchgoers go when they drop quarters in the plate and deduct dollars from their taxes.

Faith: belief, without evidence, in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, on things
without parallel.

Churchgoers: people who spend six days and nights sowing wild oats, then go to church on the
seventh to pray for a crop failure.

One day a doctor passed away. When he appeared at the pearly gates he was dressed in his white coat; he had a stethoscope around his neck, and tongue depressors in his pocket.  St. Peter said to
the doctor, "I'm sorry but you'll have to remove your white coat, your stethoscope and your tongue depressors before you can get into heaven". The doctor replied, "but, St. Peter, these are the things that identify me and my profession. I need them here so that people will know what I did back on earth". St. Peter replied, "Well sir, those are the rules. We are all equal here and you can't take your white
coat, your stethoscope and your tongue depressors into heaven".  Reluctantly, the doctor took off
his white coat, removed his stethoscope and his tongue depressors, and laid them aside. St. Peter opened the Gates and the doctor went inside.

Several days later, while walking down the street, the doctor saw a man rushing down the street in the
opposite direction. The man was dressed in a white coat, was wearing a stethoscope around his neck, and had a wad of tongue depressors in his coat pocket. The doctor was incensed.

The doctor rushed back to the pearly gates and hollered for St. Peter. "What is going on here?", he said
loudly. When I came here you told me we were all equal and that I could not wear my white coat or have
my stethoscope and tongue depressors". "That's right!', said St. Peter. "Well", said the doctor, "I just saw a guy going down the street wearing a white coat, with a stethoscope around his neck, and tongue
depressors bulging in his pockets. Now, I want to know what's going on here!".

St. Peter replied, "Oh that! That's just God. Sometimes He likes to play doctor!"

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices
lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"  The driver says,
"Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.
Then shove the bottles underneath the seat,and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.  He looks at them kind of funny, but  asks to see
the guy's driver's license.  And he asks him,

"Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you*sure* you haven't been
drinking?" the cop asks.  "Oh, no, sir,"the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk.  "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch.

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: "There's a fire raging
out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good
shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense."
So, the reporter calls the local airport and orders a plane. He rushes out to the field, spots a small
aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off.
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire
raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?" "Sure," the reporter says, "I am a
photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!" The pilot looks over
with a quizzical  look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liableto a fine of one pound.
Any animal leading a blind person shall bedeemed a cat.-Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
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"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
-------Calvin, "Calvin and Hobbes"
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There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his
telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longerknow how to use my telephone.-Stroustrup
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DAD: ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we
do and insecure about who we are?
MOM: I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs, instead of manufactured desires,
the economy would collapse and we'd have total anarchy.
DAD: (evil grin) So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh?
MOM: Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.
CALVIN: Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on the TV that I didn't know existed, but I desperately need!
"Calvin and Hobbes"
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If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.
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All fashionable vices pass for virtues.-Moliere
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No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it'sdoing, but most of the time, we aren't either.-Marvin Minsky
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Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell thedifference.-H. Jackson Brown, Jr.,
Life's Little Instruction Book
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Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.-Henry Ford
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The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but
the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot.-Mark Twain
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A good pickpocket can remove your wallet with the skill of a surgeon, though he won't make as
much money.
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
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Q: How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Five, You'se got a problem with that???
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The smaller the print on things, the more important it is.-Julie, age 12
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My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for
this method to work.
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A person who can only spell a word one way is narrow-minded. -------Andrew Jackson
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How can one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred varieties of cheese?-Charles deGalle
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Until the lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter.-African Proverb
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We all sprang from monkeys, but some people didn't spring far enough.
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If an infinite number of rednecks, driving and infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number
of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille.-Omni
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Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for.  ------Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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"Smile," they said. "It could be worse." So I did and it was.
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"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -------C. G. Jung
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"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."-------Wilson Mizner
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CALVIN: I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end. Ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level
ofpublic dialogue!
HOBBES: It would seem you were born for the job.
CALVIN: Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old! -------"Calvin and Hobbes"
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In large states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.-F. W. Nietzsche
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Last night I held a little hand,
No other hand, tho held so tight,
So dainty and so neat.
Could greater gladness bring,
I thought my heart would surely burst;
Than the hand I held last night;
So wildly did it beat.
Four aces and a king.
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.-Mark Twain
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TEST: 1. When did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock?
CALVIN: 1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question.
I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system.
Congradulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.-"Calvin and Hobbes"
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When the tide of life turns against you And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste tears on what might have beenJust lie on your back and float.
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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.-Alan Kay
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Eagles may soar,
free and proud,
but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
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They that can give up essentrial liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.-Benjamin Franklin
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He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
-------Abraham LIncoln
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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-------Galileo Galilei


FOREIGN TRAVEL QUOTES
 
An Athens hotel: "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
An Italian hotel brochure: "This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude."
Sign at a French swimming pool: "Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Saviour."
Menu at an Athens hotel: "Chopped-up cow with wire through it." (Shish kebab.)
A Polish tourist brochure: "As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in thecountry people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict  rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the 
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cools and Heats:  If you 
want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger on  foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Crank Calls

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the
numberand dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin
and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could bethat rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to
call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer,
and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me,
I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if  there's ever anything
really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-5555.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was
ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall.  I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.  Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving.  All of a sudden this black camaro comes  flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction
and pulls into her space.  I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was
here first!" The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me.  He walked toward the mal
l as if he didn't even hear me.  I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.
Then I hunted for another place to park.  A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.
I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-5555 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy
to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with
the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with
the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?" "My name is DonHansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!"
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to
call.  Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started
to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!"
But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked
out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like
I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.  Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said,
"Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at
1802 West 34th Street.  After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's
house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a
helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys
charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys.  I
might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the
jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

WHAT I'VE  LEARNED IN LIFE.......
 
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing  "Silent Night."  Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of  milk.  Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop  what they are doing and wave back.  Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom  makes me clean it up.  Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try  cheering someone else up.  Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad  my parents are strict with me.  Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words  of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great  pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have  followed me there.  Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I  must live so that no one will believe it.  Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just  don't know how to show it.  Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them  a little card.  Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the  greater his need to cast blame on others.  Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.  Age 47
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for  hours.  Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.  Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he  handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled  Christmas tree lights.  Age 52
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.  Age 53
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your  parents, you miss them terribly after they die.  Age 55
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a  life.  Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your  children, try to improve your marriage.  Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.  Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers  mitt on both hands.  You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But  if you focus on your family, the needs 
of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find  you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I  usually make the right decision. 
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.  Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles.  And to tell the  truth, I've seen several.  Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.  People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a  friendly pat on the back.  Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.  Age 92
Please pass this on to someone you care about.  Sometimes they just  need a little something to make them smile....and want to add even more years of learning to the list.

 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked
 to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So  what's your story?" The first man
replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to
try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but
all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
 Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this
 man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was
 really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't
 you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
 apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
 Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
 but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
 I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the
 fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him
 instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart
 attack and died there on the balcony."
 "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
 in. The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven
 being full, and again asks for his story.
 "It's been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the
 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my
 exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or
 something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught
 the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
 I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst
 out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started
 beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran
 into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my  hands.
 Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes
 below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to
 be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
 instantly, and now I'm here."
 Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty
 horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again
 the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full
 and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm
 hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
 
 1.  Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose & try to blow them out.
 2.  Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill
 3.  Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
 4.  When someone says "Have a nice day!", tell them to go to hell.
 5. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
 6.  Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
 7.  Bill your Doctor for the time you spent waiting in his/her office.
 8.  Dance naked in front of the pets.
 9.  Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send her/him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
 10.  Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
 11.  Go shopping...Buy everything...Wear it...Sweat in it...Return it the next day.
 12.  Drive to work in reverse.

An 83-year old women decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart
from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the
conclusion that the quickest and surest way method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The
trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

 So she shot herself in the left kneecap.


Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after
class started, he realised that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.

 So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, 
but asked Billy to be quick.  Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate
 and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

 The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him 
if he will be able to find it now.  Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

 Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

 Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find 
the bathroom.  So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down
at their seats.  The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?"  Tommy is quick with his
 reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

These are actual ads found in the newspaper.......

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
> >==<<
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
> >==<<
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
> >==<<
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
> >==<<
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
> >==<<
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
> >==<<
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
> >==<<
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
> >==<<
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
> >==<<
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
> >==<<
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
> >==<<
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
> >==<<
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
> >==<<
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
> >==<<
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
> >==<<
Great Dames for sale.
> >==<<
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
> >==<<
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
> >==<<
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
> >==<<
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
> >==<<
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.Automatically burns toast.
> >==<<
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
> >==<<
Man, honest. Will take anything.
> >==<<
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come herefirst.
> >==<<
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
> >==<<
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
> >==<<
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
> >==<<
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
> >==<<
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
> >==<<
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
> >==<<
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.


The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of
bonds:

       1.      The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
       2.      The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity
                                     And...
       3.      The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

> >===)0(===<<

Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach and found an old lamp.
She, of course, rubbed the sand off the lamp and a Genie appeared.
He told Monica that since she freed him from the lamp, he would grant
her one wish and only one wish.  After giving it considerable
thought, Monica said, "I wish that I could lose these love handles."
The Genie said, "your wish is granted" and POOF, ..her ears were gone.

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church
 lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad.  "We're just seeing
 who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys! Boys! Boys!" intoned the minister, "I'm shocked. When I was
 your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then all replied, pretty much in
 unison, "You win, Pastor!"