Jokem
7
TRUE STORY
AND A GOOD LAUGH...
Cross my
heart this happened to this who guy lives in Westchester,NY, and goes to
school
at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who
is
also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the
courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the
courage
to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday
night.
Friday night,
this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition
is
coming
back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make
it through twenty
minuteswithout
either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of
this,
he is able
to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every
20 minutes. He
doesn't
want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to
her again.
So they
meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a
30 minute
ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers
to use
the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has
to go back
again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our
hero feels
another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak,
so he holds
it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has
a bit of gas
stored
up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the
table (discreetly,
of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise.
"Oh crap,"
he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away,
our
hero immediately
leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains
this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out
what to do
before
his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on
the outside.
He quickly
pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking
like a
cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if
run in
and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No
problem, I'd
like to
look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately,
at the Gap,
men's fashions
are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split
up.
Our hero
grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting
a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
brings
both items to the register.
His eyes
are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure
that she
doesn't
see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater,
so he says
through
clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet
away) "Just
the pants."
"What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained
on his
date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays
for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board
the train
just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle
of the car. Without
sitting
down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back
of the car.
He gets
to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants
and boxer shorts.
He rolls
them into a ball and throws them out the window.
After cleaning
himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
How to handle
the police
This
story would go in rec.humor except a personal friend of the woman
involved
assured me it actually happened: (This is more likely an urban legend.)
The
woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding
by a
California
Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and
opened
his ticket
book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolman's Ball."
He
replied: "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There
followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd
said.
He then
closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She
was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
Agnostic:
a man who is certain in his belief that he doesn't know anything.
Hell: where
churchgoers go when they drop quarters in the plate and deduct dollars
from their taxes.
Faith: belief,
without evidence, in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge,
on things
without
parallel.
Churchgoers:
people who spend six days and nights sowing wild oats, then go to church
on the
seventh
to pray for a crop failure.
One day
a doctor passed away. When he appeared at the pearly gates he was dressed
in his white coat; he had a stethoscope around his neck, and tongue depressors
in his pocket. St. Peter said to
the doctor,
"I'm sorry but you'll have to remove your white coat, your stethoscope
and your tongue depressors before you can get into heaven". The doctor
replied, "but, St. Peter, these are the things that identify me and my
profession. I need them here so that people will know what I did back on
earth". St. Peter replied, "Well sir, those are the rules. We are all equal
here and you can't take your white
coat, your
stethoscope and your tongue depressors into heaven". Reluctantly,
the doctor took off
his white
coat, removed his stethoscope and his tongue depressors, and laid them
aside. St. Peter opened the Gates and the doctor went inside.
Several
days later, while walking down the street, the doctor saw a man rushing
down the street in the
opposite
direction. The man was dressed in a white coat, was wearing a stethoscope
around his neck, and had a wad of tongue depressors in his coat pocket.
The doctor was incensed.
The doctor
rushed back to the pearly gates and hollered for St. Peter. "What is going
on here?", he said
loudly.
When I came here you told me we were all equal and that I could not wear
my white coat or have
my stethoscope
and tongue depressors". "That's right!', said St. Peter. "Well", said the
doctor, "I just saw a guy going down the street wearing a white coat, with
a stethoscope around his neck, and tongue
depressors
bulging in his pockets. Now, I want to know what's going on here!".
St. Peter
replied, "Oh that! That's just God. Sometimes He likes to play doctor!"
Two drunks
are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the
driver notices
lights
flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy
says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says,
"Don't
worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.
First, peel
the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.
Then shove
the bottles underneath the seat,and let me do the talking."
They pull
over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny,
but asks to see
the guy's
driver's license. And he asks him,
"Have you
been drinking?"
"Oh, no,
sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed
you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you*sure* you haven't
been
drinking?"
the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir,"the drunk answers. "We haven't had a
thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've
got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your
forehead?"
"That's
easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics,
and we're on the Patch.
The scene
is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: "There's
a fire raging
out of
control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all,
get some good
shots.
If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about
the expense."
So, the
reporter calls the local airport and orders a plane. He rushes out to the
field, spots a small
aircraft
with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the
pilot: Let's go, take off.
As directed,
the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him,
"See that fire
raging
to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous,
the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?" "Sure," the reporter
says, "I am a
photojournalist
and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!" The pilot
looks over
with a
quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"
Any member
introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liableto a fine
of one pound.
Any animal
leading a blind person shall bedeemed a cat.-Rule 46, Oxford Union Society,
London
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"I'm not
dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
-------Calvin,
"Calvin and Hobbes"
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There's
an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use
as his
telephone.
That wish has come true, since I no longerknow how to use my telephone.-Stroustrup
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DAD: ...Why
do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with
everything we
do and
insecure about who we are?
MOM: I
suppose if people thought about real issues and needs, instead of manufactured
desires,
the economy
would collapse and we'd have total anarchy.
DAD: (evil
grin) So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh?
MOM: Yep.
It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.
CALVIN:
Hey Mom, I saw a bunch of products on the TV that I didn't know existed,
but I desperately need!
"Calvin
and Hobbes"
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If you care
about a dream enough, make it into a reality.
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All fashionable
vices pass for virtues.-Moliere
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No computer
has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it'sdoing, but most of
the time, we aren't either.-Marvin Minsky
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Be brave.
Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell thedifference.-H. Jackson
Brown, Jr.,
Life's
Little Instruction Book
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Whether
you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.-Henry
Ford
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The fact
that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to
other creatures; but
the fact
that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that
cannot.-Mark Twain
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A good pickpocket
can remove your wallet with the skill of a surgeon, though he won't make
as
much money.
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Q: How many
surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two.
One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.
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Q: How many
teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:
Five, You'se got a problem with that???
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The smaller
the print on things, the more important it is.-Julie, age 12
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My parents
put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have
low ceilings for
this method
to work.
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A person
who can only spell a word one way is narrow-minded. -------Andrew Jackson
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How can
one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred
varieties of cheese?-Charles deGalle
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Until the
lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the
hunter.-African Proverb
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We all sprang
from monkeys, but some people didn't spring far enough.
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If an infinite
number of rednecks, driving and infinite number of pickup trucks, fire
an infinite number
of shotgun
rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce
all the world's great literary works, in Braille.-Omni
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Men should
die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for. ------Terry
Pratchett, Small Gods
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"Smile,"
they said. "It could be worse." So I did and it was.
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"Show me
a sane man and I will cure him for you." -------C. G. Jung
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"Copy from
one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."-------Wilson Mizner
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CALVIN:
I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic
opinions for hours on end. Ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally
foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level
ofpublic
dialogue!
HOBBES:
It would seem you were born for the job.
CALVIN:
Imagine getting paid to act like a six-year-old! -------"Calvin and Hobbes"
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In large
states public education will always be mediocre, for the same reason that
in large kitchens the cooking is usually bad.-F. W. Nietzsche
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Last night
I held a little hand,
No other
hand, tho held so tight,
So dainty
and so neat.
Could greater
gladness bring,
I thought
my heart would surely burst;
Than the
hand I held last night;
So wildly
did it beat.
Four aces
and a king.
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Loyalty
to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.-Mark
Twain
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TEST: 1.
When did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock?
CALVIN:
1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough
to pass a test question.
I now intend
to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically
manipulate the system.
Congradulations.
They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.-"Calvin
and Hobbes"
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When the
tide of life turns against you And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste
tears on what might have beenJust lie on your back and float.
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The best
way to predict the future is to invent it.-Alan Kay
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Eagles may
soar,
free and
proud,
but weasels
never get sucked into jet engines.
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They that
can give up essentrial liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety.-Benjamin Franklin
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He can compress
the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
-------Abraham
LIncoln
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I do not
feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense,
reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-------Galileo
Galilei
Crank Calls
Now get
this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
make. I found the
numberand
dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This
is Patrick Hanifin
and could
I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly
the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could
bethat rude.
I tracked
down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last
two digits.
After I
hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to
call it
again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!"
and hung up.
Next to
his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every
couple
of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him
up. He'd answer,
and then
I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in
the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment
for me,
I would
have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number, then heard his
voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company
and I'm just calling
to see
if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed
the phone down.
I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the
reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything
really
bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-5555.
The old
lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was
ever going
to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the
stall.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro comes flying up the parking isle
in the wrong direction
and pulls
into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't
just do that, Buddy. I was
here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mal
l as if
he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's
sure a lot of jerks in
this world.
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number.
Then I
hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at
home sitting at my desk.
I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 555-5555 and yelling, "You're a jerk!"
(It's really easy
to call
him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number
of the guy with
the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a
couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is
this the man with
the black
camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I
live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked
right out front.
I said,
"What's your name?" "My name is DonHansen." "When's a good time to catch
you, Don?"
"I'm home
in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don,
you're a jerk!"
And I slammed
the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed
dialer.
For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had
two jerks to
call.
Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them,
the whole thing started
to seem
like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some
serious
thought and came up with a solution.
First,
I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled
"You're a jerk!"
But I didn't
hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.."
He said,
"Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said,
"Don Hansen."
"Where
do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
camaro's parked
out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like
I'm really
scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He answered,
"Hello." I said,
"Hello,
Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick
your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.
Then I
picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight
was going down at
1802 West
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch
the whole
thing.
I turned
onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block
from Jerk #2's
house.
There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police
cars and a
helicopter.
The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple
of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a
trial of two guys
charged
with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same
two guys. I
might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said,
"We the
jury find
the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
