COMEDIAN 6



 

Calvin and Hobbes comic strip of the day page
 

 
 One good thing about Alzheimer's is that you get to meet new people every day.
  FAILURE is not an option: it comes bundled with the software.
I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always".
What is a free gift?  Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a fire station?
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... or is it?
    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
 I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
  I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.  I don't like to interrupt her.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
 The Bill of Rights... (Void where prohibited by law.)
 If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case it was almost impossible.
If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
 I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911, because there's no 11 on my phone.
West Virginia: 5,000,000 people; 15 last names.

THE TWO FROG STORY

Once upon a time, there was a frog who was dropped into a pot of HOT water. Feeling the intense
heat, he immediately jumped out and saved his life.

But there was another frog who was put into a pot of COLD water- set on a burner over low heat.
One degree at a time, the temperature increased, but the frog become accustomed to it, stayed in
the pot, and eventually was boiled.

The moral of the story is: Although we complain about sudden change, it's often the gradual,
hardly perceptible changes--in our lives, lifestyles, and character--that do us in.

Once upon a time, two frogs fell into a pail of very fresh milk accidentally left in the barn by
an absent-minded farmer. Upon viewing the steep sides of the shiny steel milk pail, one frog
realized the hopelessness of his situation, gave up, and sank ignominiously into the milk.

The second frog saw the same hopeless situation, but decided to work hard as he could until
the situation changed or die trying. The determined frog began working and had to pump
his hind legs furiously just to keep his nose above the surface.

Later in the day, the farmer returned, looked into the bucket, and saw two motionless frogs.
One had drowned and was floating on the surface of the milk. The other was extremely tired;
but, with a smile on his face, he was floating effortlessly on a large mound of freshly churned
butter.

The moral: Though things may seem to be out of control, don't give up. You can create solid
opportunities. A positive attitude lets you see that opportunities do exits.

 A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glancesdown the hall,
closes his door quietly, and kneels in front of him pleadingly.

     "I would do *anything* to pass this exam," she gushes. She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair seductively, and gazes very meaningfully into his eyes.

     "I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do *anything*."

     He returns her gaze.

     "Anything?"

     "*Anything*."

     His voice softens.

     "*Anything*??"

     "*Anything*."

     He leans forward and presses his cheek against hers, with his mouth next to her
ear. His voice turns to a whisper ...
                                  .
                                  .
                                  .

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                                    V

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"Would you ... _study_?"

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
 what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going
 to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
 everything about you."

 The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

 "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

 "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

 Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats
in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray,
cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the
narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!"

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

..............................     .BECOME A BETTER LIAR

                                        IT'S EASY!
                             Just follow these 12 steps.

                          1) First of all, minimize your lies.
                 If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

                          2) Try to cry while you're lying.
                      Everyone believes someone who's crying.

                              3) Always swear to god
             (not God with a capital "G".....you'll be punished severely!)
                Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

                             4) Emphasize each word
                          (e.g. I...SWEAR...TO...gOD!!!!)

                       5) Break something (a dish or a vase)
                            if you detect that the listener
                           is even remotely doubting you.

            6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this."
                     Be sure to name your best friend, though.
                          Best friends always side with you
                            whether you're lying or not.

                        7) Plan out your lie ahead of time.
                            Never ad lib, you'll stutter.

                                 8) Never stutter!

                    9) Never stay in the same city for more than
                           a few months. People catch on
                      to your line of bullshit in 2 to 3 months
                                  on the average.

                          10) Don't take chances on lies
                     that can be easily researched. For instance,
                  don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword.

                            Your listener might find out
                     that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

                    11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

                           12) Try going to law school.
                          You can make good money, too!

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

 A blond had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.  She tried with all her
might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got
caught in the stirrup.  When this happened, she fell head first to the ground.  Her head continued
to bounce harder as the horse did not  stop or   even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
Thank goodness for heroes.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<


64 TOP SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO
 
64 "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
63 Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
62 Chief surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
61 Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. 
 60 Even though your Primary Care Physician schedules patient appointments every thirty seconds,
she still has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet.
 59 Even your paper robe is recycled.
 58 Exam room has a tip jar.
 57 Instead of magazines in the waiting room, they have printed copies of e-mail jokes.
 56 Normally prescribed pain medication: Mad Dog 20/20.
 55 Only approved surgical procedure -- body piercing.
 54 Only participating physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, and Dr. Fine.
 53 Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
 52 Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
  51 Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."
 50 The preventive medicine program consists purely of prescribing an apple a day.
 49 Their company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
 48 Their newest revenue stream: Video of your recent colonoscopy goes up for sale on the Internet.
 47 To avoid a time consumin throat culture, the doctor just decides to French kiss you instead.
46 Two words: Recycled bandages 
 45 You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
 44 You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
 43 Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
 42 Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave-robbing.
 41 Your primary care physician has a Burger King badge poking out underneath his coat.
 40 Your primary care physician is a Christian Science minister who prays with you for a $10 co-pay.
 39 "Anesthesiologist" is drunken homeless guy with bottle of Ripple in a paper bag and ball-peen hammer.
 38 "If you double your co-pay, *I'll* turn & cough too!"
 37 "If you'd just stop screaming and sign the check, we'll sew you back up!"
 36 "Let me refer you to a specialist." (Turns around, puts on a false moustache.) "Hi! I'm the specialist! What seems to be the problem?"
 35 "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
 34 "You think you need a CAT scan? Yeah, sure, (smirk, giggle) we can give you a CAT scan."
 33 24-hour claims line is 1 800 TUF LUCK
32 Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
 31 Despite what your doctor says, you don't remember hearing anything about the benefits of pre-moistened tongue depressors.
 30 Doc insists on removing his clothes along with you.
 29 EKG monitor is an Etch-A-Sketch
 28 Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
 27 Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."
 26 Instead of a surgical glove, they use pink dishwashing ones.
 25 Instead of paying for proctological exams, they simply relocate you to a trailer park and hope you get abducted for an alien anal probe.
 24 Is "Liquid Plummer" really an FDA approved cardiovascular treatment?
 23 Name of health plan? -- "Christian Science Care"
   22 Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
 21 Pharmacist looks suspiciously like parking lot attendant who was selling cocaine out of his trunk.
 20 Physician in charge of Suicide Prevention Hotline is none other than Dr. Kevorkian.
 19 Substance abuse treatment guidelines: "Lay off the smack for a while--here's a nickel bag of weed
and a fifth of Jack."
 18 The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
 17 Their marketing brochure reads, "We may be cheap, but it's better than being sick in Canada!"
 16 Two words: reusable suppositories
 15 Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
 14 With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.
 13 Its clever name? "Whatevercare"
 12 Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
 11 Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.
 10 Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
 9 "Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.
 8 You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just  before the anesthesia kicked in.
 7 "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
 6 Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
 5 "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
 4 No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."
 3 Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
 2 Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
1 Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around  with a postcard from Chernobyl
in their pocket.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<


ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS from ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETINS.
I know we all make mistakes, but we get to laugh at these (and ourselves),
 
1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by
the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of
the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. 14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of  hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.
19. With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church.
20. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith. 
21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
23. The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"
24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." 
25. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
26. The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.
27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.
28. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
31. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
32. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success.Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.
33. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
 34. Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
35. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<


 THE CLASSIFIEDS (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
 
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,  you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
 We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
 Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
 Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
 For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<


SUBJECT:  WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???
 
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason. RONALD REAGAN: 
 RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and  there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifieswhatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it  transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?  Live long and propser
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
 required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the  chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consultinghelped the chicken change to become more successful.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

A Cold Day In Hell

  An explosion killed a navy boilerman and he wound up in hell.  Being
  used to stroking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell
  actually quite comfortable.  When satan went to check out the new
  arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.

  "You like this?", satan asked.  "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels
  like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable,
  satan turned up the heat a lot.  When he went back to see how his new
  arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy.  He hadn`t even broken a
  sweat.  "I like this kind of weather", he told satan.

  Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat,
  he turned it off.  He made the sailor`s room form icicles.  When he
  checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a
  grin from ear to ear. "Why are you so happy?", satan demanded. "It`s
  freezing in here!"

  "I`m from Denver," said the sailor. "and this must mean the Broncos have
  won the Superbowl!"

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<


HOW COLD IS IT ?????   (An annotated thermometer)
 
60 F - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
40 - You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
Minnesotans put on T-shirts
Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
British cars don't start
Your boogers freeze
25 - Boston water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 - You can hear your breath
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start
You plan a vacation in Mexico
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - Too cold to ski
You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston
American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
Too cold to skate
-10 - German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath
The Mighty Monongahela freezes
Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freeze
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over
Polar bears move south

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff.  He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became too much and he could go no farther.  He stuck his thumb
out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop.  Finally a guy in
a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.  Of course, the bike
wouldn't fit in the car.  The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.  He tied the other
end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to
honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 5 miles.  Suddenly, another Corvette
blew past them.  Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took
off after the other.  A short distance down the road, the Corvettes,
both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.  The police
officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other
officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 140 mph.  He
then
relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, ... there's a guy on a
10 speed bike honking to pass."


OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
 
1) I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6) If all is not lost, where is it?
7) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
 8) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
 9) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through..
12) It was all so different before everything changed.
13) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
16) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
20) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
21) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
22) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
23) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
24) Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
25) Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26) When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
27) If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
28) There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the dead.
29) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
32) It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
33) Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
34) There's only a few inches difference between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about
 famous composers starring top movie stars.  Sylvester Stallone
Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold schwarzenegger were all present.
 Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
 prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray,
 as long as they were very famous.

 "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart.  I would love to play him."
x
 "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
 saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
x
 "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd
 like to play him."
x
 Spielberg was very pleased with these choices."Sounds splendid." Then
 looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
x
 So Arnold says.............
 (scroll down)
x
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(scroll down
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 (keep scrolling)
x
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(wait for it)
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(its a good one!)
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 "I'll be Bach."
 

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on
the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not
                                   raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and t0 your last baby's pacifier
by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house________

~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~

National Parks Alert

   Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
          precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears
that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case
of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings:

 Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berriesand squirrel fur.

          Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

>>><>>)))000===+++@+++===000(((<<<><<<

THE PIANO

Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski
concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the
aisle to greet her. Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy
rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE." When the houselights
dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that
the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive
Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking
out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly
moved to the piano, and whispered in he boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over,
Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached
around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and
the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.  And the
audience was mesmerized.  Whatever our situation in life and history--however outrageous, however
desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul-- God is whispering deep
within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together we will transform the broken
patterns into a masterwork of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with our
song of peace."

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come
back to the small town because he could be a bigman in this small town. He really wanted to impress
everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man
coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
  As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...
  "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one
million..."
 "Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be
handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide
support..."
  "Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
details..."
  This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat
patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and
turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very
busy.
  What can I do for you?"
  The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."

>>><>>)))000===+++@+++===000(((<<<><<<
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any
 word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
 one letter, and supply a new definition.

 Here are some recent winners:

 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .

 Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

 Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

 Glibido: All talk and no action.

 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
   they come at you rapidly.

 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money
to start with

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
Blonde on a Diet

 A blonde woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put
 her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
 skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next
 time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

 When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
 nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
 "Did you follow my instructions?"

 The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
 going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?"

 "No, from skipping."

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

 At The Construction Site

 A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a
 lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and
 said, "We need some four-by-twos."

 The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man
 said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

 He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
 two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The
 customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go
 check."

 After awhile, the blond returned to the office and said, "A
 long time. We're gonna build a house.

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<

his is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

>>> >>0===============0<< <<<



 
 
 

"Subject: Kids Stuff
 
Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. Knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the 
door and saw the priest.  He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!
My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the
children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in this case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you."

 Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: 
"God will get you."

We set out our creche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old daughter, Laura, was watching me put all of the figurines in it- especially baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was-that they didn't have a crib for him, so they had to lay a blanket on the hay and put him there. She thought about that for a minute, and then she looked at me and said, "Mom, did they have to
use a manger for his car seat, too?"
My boss' son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with his family.  I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it. His answer, "She was already dead when we got there."
I read your story about the small child saying, "Night-night" to a body at the funeral home. It reminded me of our small daughter. We took her to view her great-grandmother, and she asked, "Why did they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?"
I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly.  And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"  And she walked over and stood on his foot.
My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some of the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's called dewlap.  The kids were asking what it was, and he 
explained, and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those."
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.  One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.  Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother
and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediatley
bought it and sent it home to his mother.  A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious." "WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It
spoke thirty languages!" The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"


A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.  --H.L. Mencken
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours. --Clarence Day
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
--Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
 I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
   --Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
  --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. - -Ernie Kovacs
 The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into
the office. --Robert Frost
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
   -G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. - -Dave Barry
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is 
worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! --Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of
jury duty. --Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
  --Henny Youngman
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  --Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone
is for you. --Fran Lebowitz
The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. --Gamel Abdel Nasser
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble.  It's the things you know that just ain't so. 
--Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

 
 

>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
 

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