COMEDIAN 6
COMEDIAN 6
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THE TWO FROG STORY
Once upon a time, there
was a frog who was dropped into a pot of HOT water. Feeling the intense
heat, he immediately
jumped out and saved his life.
But there was another
frog who was put into a pot of COLD water- set on a burner over low heat.
One degree at a time,
the temperature increased, but the frog become accustomed to it, stayed
in
the pot, and eventually
was boiled.
The moral of the story
is: Although we complain about sudden change, it's often the gradual,
hardly perceptible
changes--in our lives, lifestyles, and character--that do us in.
Once upon a time, two
frogs fell into a pail of very fresh milk accidentally left in the barn
by
an absent-minded farmer.
Upon viewing the steep sides of the shiny steel milk pail, one frog
realized the hopelessness
of his situation, gave up, and sank ignominiously into the milk.
The second frog saw
the same hopeless situation, but decided to work hard as he could until
the situation changed
or die trying. The determined frog began working and had to pump
his hind legs furiously
just to keep his nose above the surface.
Later in the day, the
farmer returned, looked into the bucket, and saw two motionless frogs.
One had drowned and
was floating on the surface of the milk. The other was extremely tired;
but, with a smile on
his face, he was floating effortlessly on a large mound of freshly churned
butter.
The moral: Though things
may seem to be out of control, don't give up. You can create solid
opportunities. A positive
attitude lets you see that opportunities do exits.
A student comes
to a young professor's office hours. She glancesdown the hall,
closes his door quietly,
and kneels in front of him pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam," she gushes. She leans closer
to him,
flips back her hair
seductively, and gazes very meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do *anything*."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens.
"*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
He leans forward and presses his cheek against hers, with his mouth next
to her
ear. His voice turns
to a whisper ...
.
.
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V
"Would you ... _study_?"
A lonely frog telephoned
the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future
holds.
His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him: "You are going
to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know
everything about
you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since
summer started I've been having trouble with bats
in my loft and attic
at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray,
cats--nothing seems
to scare them away."
Another said "Yea, me
too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the
narthex attic. I've
even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized
all mine and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back
since!"
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
.............................. .BECOME A BETTER LIAR
IT'S EASY!
Just follow these 12 steps.
1) First of all, minimize your lies.
If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
2) Try to cry while you're lying.
Everyone believes someone who's crying.
3) Always swear to god
(not God with a capital "G".....you'll be punished severely!)
Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
4) Emphasize each word
(e.g. I...SWEAR...TO...gOD!!!!)
5) Break something (a dish or a vase)
if you detect that the listener
is even remotely doubting you.
6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this."
Be sure to name your best friend, though.
Best friends always side with you
whether you're lying or not.
7) Plan out your lie ahead of time.
Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
8) Never stutter!
9) Never stay in the same city for more than
a few months. People catch on
to your line of bullshit in 2 to 3 months
on the average.
10) Don't take chances on lies
that can be easily researched. For instance,
don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword.
Your listener might find out
that Don Quixote was a fictional character.
11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!
12) Try going to law school.
You can make good money, too!
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
A blond had a
near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going
fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with
all her
might to hang on, but
was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot
got
caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued
to bounce harder as
the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she
was giving up hope and
losing consciousness,
the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.
Thank goodness for
heroes.
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
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she still has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet. |
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and a fifth of Jack." |
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in their pocket. |
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
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I know we all make mistakes, but we get to laugh at these (and ourselves), |
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the pastor. |
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the congregation will join in. |
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>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
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Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. |
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>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
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required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consultinghelped the chicken change to become more successful. |
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
A Cold Day In Hell
An explosion
killed a navy boilerman and he wound up in hell. Being
used to stroking
fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell
actually quite
comfortable. When satan went to check out the new
arrival, he
found him sitting in his room smiling.
"You like this?",
satan asked. "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels
like a spring
day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable,
satan turned
up the heat a lot. When he went back to see how his new
arrival was
doing, the sailor was still happy. He hadn`t even broken a
sweat.
"I like this kind of weather", he told satan.
Satan decided
to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat,
he turned it
off. He made the sailor`s room form icicles. When he
checked on the
guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a
grin from ear
to ear. "Why are you so happy?", satan demanded. "It`s
freezing in
here!"
"I`m from Denver,"
said the sailor. "and this must mean the Broncos have
won the Superbowl!"
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
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Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming |
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Minnesotans put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start Your boogers freeze |
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Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream Canadians go swimming |
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Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South |
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You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you |
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You need jumper cables to get the car going |
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American cars don't start |
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Too cold to skate |
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Eyes freeze shut when you blink |
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Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist |
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Politicians actually do something about the homeless Minnesotans shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start |
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You need jumper cables to get the driver going |
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The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start |
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Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South |
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Alaskans close the bathroom window |
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Polar bears move south |
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
A man decided that he
was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to
Flagstaff. He
got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became too much
and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb
out but after 3 hours,
hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in
a Corvette pulled over
and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike
wouldn't fit in the
car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other
end to the bike and
told the man that if he got to going to fast, to
honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine
for the first 5 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette
blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took
off after the other.
A short distance down the road, the Corvettes,
both going well over
120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police
officer noted the speeds
from his radar gun and radioed to the other
officer that he had
2 Corvettes headed his way at over 140 mph. He
then
relayed, "and you're
not going to believe this, ... there's a guy on a
10 speed bike honking
to pass."
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Steven Spielberg was
discussing his new project - an action docudrama about
famous composers
starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone
Steven Segal, Bruce
Willis, and Arnold schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly
desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow
them to select whatever composers they would portray,
as long as they
were very famous.
"Well," started
Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
x
"Chopin has always
been my favorite, and my image would improve if people
saw me playing
the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
x
"I've always
been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd
like to play
him."
x
Spielberg was
very pleased with these choices."Sounds splendid." Then
looking at Schwarzenegger,
he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
x
So Arnold says.............
(scroll down)
x
x
x
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x
(scroll down
x
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x
(keep scrolling)
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x
x
x
x
x
x
(wait for it)
x
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x
x
x
x
x
x
(its a good one!)
x
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"I'll be Bach."
>>> >>00====================================00<<
<<<
AMNESIA: Condition
that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The
art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on
the edge of financial
disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people
who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not
raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you
do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and t0 your last baby's
pacifier
by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house________
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
National Parks Alert
Department
of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen
wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears
that aren't expecting
them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case
of an encounter with
a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berriesand squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
>>><>>)))000===+++@+++===000(((<<<><<<
THE PIANO
Wishing to encourage
her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski
concert. After they
were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down
the
aisle to greet her.
Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the
little boy
rose and eventually
explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE." When the houselights
dimmed and the concert
was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that
the child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive
Steinway on stage.
In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently
picking
out "Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star." At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance,
quickly
moved to the piano,
and whispered in he boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning
over,
Paderewski reached
down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right
arm reached
around to the other
side of the child and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master
and
the young novice transformed
a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. And
the
audience was mesmerized.
Whatever our situation in life and history--however outrageous, however
desperate, whatever
dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul-- God is whispering
deep
within our beings,
"Don't quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together we will transform
the broken
patterns into a masterwork
of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with our
song of peace."
>>> >>00====================================00<<
<<<
Joe grew up in a small
town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come
back to the small town
because he could be a bigman in this small town. He really wanted to impress
everyone. He opened
his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw
a man
coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came
to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while
talking...
"No. Absolutely
not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for
less than one
million..."
"Yes. The Appeals
Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be
handling the primary
argument and the other members of my team will provide
support..."
"Okay. Tell
the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
details..."
This sort of
thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat
patiently as Joe rattled
instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and
turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very
busy.
What can I do
for you?"
The man replied
"I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
>>><>>)))000===+++@+++===000(((<<<><<<
The Washington Post's
"Style Invitational" asked readers to take any
word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
one letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's
like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like,
the Earth explodes
and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come
at you rapidly.
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize
it was your money
to start with
>>> >>00====================================00<<
<<<
Blonde on a Diet
A blonde woman
was terribly overweight, so her doctor put
her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next
time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman
returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,
"Did you follow
my instructions?"
The woman nodded.
"I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop
dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
At The Construction Site
A couple of blond
men in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One
of the blond men walked in the office and
said, "We need
some four-by-twos."
The clerk said,
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man
said, "I'll go
check," and went back to the truck.
He returned a
minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?" The
customer paused
for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go
check."
After awhile,
the blond returned to the office and said, "A
long time. We're
gonna build a house.
>>> >>00====================================00<< <<<
his is a true story
from the WordPerfect helpline.
Needless to say the
help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
>>> >>0===============0<< <<<
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door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here! |
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children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in this case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression
on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend
down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's
hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice:
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use a manger for his car seat, too?" |
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explained, and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those." |
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There was a man who traveled all around the
world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother
and send it to her. On one such stop he found
a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediatley
bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked
her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat!
It
spoke thirty languages!" The mother paused
for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
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--Shirley Temple |
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--Ronnie Shakes |
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--Sam Levenson (1911-1980) |
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the office. --Robert Frost |
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-G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936) |
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worth more than money. --Joey Bishop |
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jury duty. --Norm Crosby |
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--Henny Youngman |
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--Jay Leno |
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is for you. --Fran Lebowitz |
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--Artimus Ward, 1834-1867 |
>>> >>00====================================00<<
<<<
