It pays to be healthy.   It pays the doctors and the
hospitalls and the labs and the xray departments and pharmacies...ETC.   ETC.   ETC.

random jokes collected by Olivija for Marc


 What doctors say, and what they're really thinking

"This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it
before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
or I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.  The bad news is,you're going
to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."  Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little.
"Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug companyslipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests.
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat.  Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
MyGod that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

New Drugs

                     With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line
                              of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in

                              DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on
                              car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions
                              when they got lost,compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

                              PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far
                              more likely to actually finish a household repair project
                              before starting a new one.

                              CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden,
                              over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially
                              cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

                              COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged
                              men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a
                              new hairstyle.Currently being tested to see if its effects extend
                              to noticing new clothing.

                             BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a
                             sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts
                             after taking this drug frozenly two days. Still to be seen: whether
                             the drug can be continued for a period longer than your
                             favorites store's return limit.

                              NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.
                              Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

                             NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making
                             men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with
                             other family members.

                             FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious
                             intestinal gases back into food solids.  Special bonus:Dosage
                             can be doubled for long car rides.

                             FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise
                             in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful
                             for men on Viagra.

                             PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
                             the test group an irresistible urge todig into the personal affairs
                             of other people. Note:  Apparent over-dose turned three test
                             subjects into "special prosecutors."

                              LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
                              being asked about their sexual affairs.   Will be available
                              Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle.  One sat in the
window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think
I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's
shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That
looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in
it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our
professions?  This hatred? This animosity?  This spitting in
shoes and pissing in cokes?"

            A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors'
           office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
   into his office alone.  He said, "Your husband is
     suffering from a very severe disease, combined
        with horrible stress.  If you don't do the following,
            your husband will surely die""Each morning, fix him
             a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
            is in a good mood.  For lunch make him a nutritious
         meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal
for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he
probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your
  problems with him, it will only make his stress
         worse. And mostimportantly, make love with your
 husband several times a week and satisfy his
 every whim.  If you can do this for the next 10
        months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely."On the way home, the
           husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?
   """"""He said you're going to die," she replied.


Source unknown.
              Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is
               examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter
                 society."So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I
                see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.
                Do youhave any idea what you might do once you're released?"
            The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to
                 school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good
                    money there.But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
                         about my experiencehere in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient
              here. People might beinterested in reading a book like that.  In
                     addition, I thought I might go back tocollege and study art history,
                        which I've grown interested in lately."Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes,
               those all sound like intriguing possibilities."The patient replies,
                     "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

You Never Know...
                             A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
                While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
                        During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.God says
                       no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.  upon her
                         recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
                       liposuction, breast  augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.  She even has
                         someone come in and change her hair color.  She figures since she's
                  got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
                        She's walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by
                   an  ambulance speeding up to the hospital.She arrives in front of
              God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
    God replies, "I didn't recognize you."


The following quotes were taken from actual  medical records as dictated by physicians...
 By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
 Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
 I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands
with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
 The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
 The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
 Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
 The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound
 weight gain in the past three days.
 She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute
 pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
 Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Building a new wing for the Hospital

When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a
new wing at a hospital:

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The <D.O.s> thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

The new wing didn't fly!

A glossary ..of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..................................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium............What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............................................A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize............................Made eye contact with her.
CColic.............................................A sheep dog.
Coma.................................A punctuation mark.
D & C..............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............................................To live long.
Enema..............................................Not a friend.
Fester....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..............................................A small lie.
Genital.................................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series..................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..............................................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................................Was aware of
Outpatient............................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear........................................A fatherhood test
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative....................................................A letter carrier
Recovery Room.........................................Place to do upholstery
Rectum...............................Darn near killed him.
Secretion......................................Hiding something.
eizure.................................Roman emperor.
Tablet.......................................A small table.
Terminal Illness..........................Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor....................................More than one.
Urine......................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose...................................Near by/close by.

The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has
 many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined
 a Cheap HMO"

 1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

 2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"

 3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapterof "War and Peace,"

 4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

 5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

 6. Exam room has a tip jar.

 7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the  instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

 8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

 9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

 10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"

 11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

 12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

 13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

 14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl
in their pocket.

 15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

 16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

 17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

 20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard,  Dr. Fine.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

 23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."

 24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

 25. Recycled bandages.

 26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.

 27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

 28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

 29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.


        A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors' office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die""Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he
probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And mostimportantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain
his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?
""""""He said you're going to die," she replied.


 "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line...

   If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

   If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

   If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

   If you are paranoid, we know who you are.  Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

   If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

   If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

   If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

   If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound sign until a representative comes on the line.

   If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth and social security number.

   If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep.  Or after the beep.  Please
wait for the beep.

   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

   If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  Our operators are too busy to talk to you."

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on
The first surgeon says,  "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:  "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:  "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no
heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient
bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three
weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so,
would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures
Date: March 8, 1999

Effective March 8, this hopsital will no longer provide security. Each
charge nurse will be issued a 38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
ammunition.  An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In
addition to providing routine nursing duties, charge nurses wil rotate
the patrolling of hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be
provided for patrolling the parking area. In light of the similarity of
monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security monitors as
well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food Services will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring something or make arrangements with
Subway, Dominoes, ect. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will
be available in the patient room for this purpose as well as other calls
patients wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued
to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of motion as
well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also
sign up to clean non-ambulatory rooms for special discounts from their
final bill. Time cards will  be provided.

As you can see on the FROM line above, administration will be assuming
groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
sound of the lawn mower, weed wacker, etc.
Engineering has been eliminated. The hospital has subsribed to the
"Time-Life "How to...." series of maintance books. These books are to be
checked out from administration and a toolbox with standard equipment
will be available on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series
at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs please try to
handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accomodated by only performing
blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than  2 X-rays
per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Arbor photo
lab.  Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and the
physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
they want extra sets.  Arbor will also honor compeditors coupons for one
hour processing in case of emergencies. So if you come across extra
coupons please clip them and send them to ER.
In light of the extremely hot temperatures, Detroit Edison has been
asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office ect. so
that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed.
Fans will be available for sale or lease in the gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling program, a box of unused fruit and
bread will be provided on each floor. Families, patients and the few
remaining employees are encouraged to contribute to the discarded
produce. The resulting molding compost will be utilized by the hospital
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and
will coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO’s

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<


Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to
lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all
the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to

You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep
insight into the true nature of your illness, which
transcends any mere permanent disability you may have

It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters
could be explained in terms that you would understand.

Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the
resulting research paper will surely be of widespread

You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other

It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond
your means.

The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you
have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

This will only cause him needless inconvenience and

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the sameheduled their
annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly  man: "You appear
to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like
to discuss with me?"
      "In fact I do," said the man, "After I have sex with my wife for
the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with
my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
      "This is very interesting," replied the doctor, "Let me do some
research and get back to you."  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor
said: "Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you  would like to discuss
with me?"
      The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with
you, and then cold and chilly after the second time.  Do you know why?"
"Oh, that old buzzard," she replied, "That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time in December.

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

 Q; What does HMO stand for?
 A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe"  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
 A. No.  Only those you need.

 Q. I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
 A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.  These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry  -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.

 Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
 A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

 Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
 A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
 A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?
 A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.  My insurer reimbursed the doctor for out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill.  What should I do?
 A. You have two choices.  Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

 Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
 A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

 Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
 A. You really shouldn't do that.  You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.  It's best to wait until you return home, and then get sick.

 Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
 A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
>> >>>00=========00<<< <<>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
"So tell me if you can just what the *(&( is wrong here (regarding U.S. healthcare)."

*  My HMO (Aetna) is no longer bleeding money.  After buying out U.S. Healthcare they adopted U.S.
Healthcare's (predatory) patient (non) approval process, and are now making lots of money.
*  The CEO of U.S. Healthcare was rewarded for his role in the buyout.  His **personal** little bonus
was 780 million dollars.  Meanwhile people get told that their portable oxygen is a luxury.  It makes me sick.
*  There is a great worry about nationalized healthcare ... "Don't let the government run it, they'll
mess it up".   But Medicare has an administration overhead of approximately 4%, while private HMOs skim
off upwards of 20%.
And the stratification of America continues.  The upper-middle class is doing just fine, while those
below are getting the short end of every stick.

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.  One of them
was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, " Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So?  Why are you crying?  Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied,  "No.  Not that.  During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied,  "I have come for a urine test."

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up.........
 suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.

 "Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

 "Hey, B***h.... Don't you know who I am? ..... I don't need no woman
 givin me nuttin'!" barks Rodman.

 The genie pleads ..."But, Master I must grant you a wish or I will be
 returned to this bottle forever."

 Dennis thinks a moment... then grumbling about the inconvenience of it
 all.....he says "OK, ok.... I wanna wake up with three women in my bed
 in the morning, so just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare)
 "Now leave me alone!" he screams.

 So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the

 Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and
 Hillary Clinton in his bed. - His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and
 he has
 no health insurance!!!!!

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

 10.   "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

   9.   Directions to his office include, "take a left when you enter the
trailer park."

   8.   Exam room has a tip jar.

   7.   Has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet.

   6.   Wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

   5.   Instead of a surgical glove, they use pink dishwashing ones.

   4.   Insists on removing his clothes along with you

   3.   "Let me refer you to a specialist." (Turns around, puts on a false
         moustache.) "Hi! I'm the specialist! What seems to be the problem?"

   2.   Despite what he says, you don't remember hearing anything
         about the benefits of pre-moistened tongue depressors.

 and the Number One Sign You Need a New Doctor....

   1.   Has a Burger King badge poking out underneath his coat.

Is There A Doctor in the House?

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.  Traffic quickly piled up in all
directions while a woman rushed to help him.  When she knelt down to loosen his collar,
a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
 A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.
 After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist
 by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he
 replies,"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my
 scalp and..".
 He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind
 theleft ear".
 "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
 "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But
 I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It
 is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:
 Everyday I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze
 her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
 the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back
 and let me know how it goes".
 Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor
 "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since
 I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way
 you have a lovely home."

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<
 More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly
 lines. One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked
him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a
nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said,
 "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history
and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in
and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test,
a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked
him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said,
"Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

>> >>>00=========00<<< <<

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began  seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


I have an earache ....
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.
                         .....(author unknown)


 Going to Heaven
 Three doctors are waiting in line at the pearly gates.
 St. Peter asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

 "I am a pediatrician, and I brought thousands of the
 Lord's babies into the world."

 "Good enough to enter the gates," replies St. Peter, and in
 he goes. Then St. Peter asks the second doctor, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

 "I am a general practitioner, and I went to Third World
 countries three times a year to cure the poor."

 St. Peter is impressed, and allows him through the gates.

 The third doctor steps up in line and, knowing the question,
 blurts out, "I was a director of an HMO."

 St. Peter meditates on this for a while, and then says,
 "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong
 with me, but every time I fart, it sounds
like the word HONDA".
     "That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think
 you could fart for me?" says the doctor.
     The guy says "Sure."
     And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".
     After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor
 runs out of ideas. He sends him to
all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys
farts say "HONDA." It is a completely
out of this world medical condition.  Finally, as a last resort, the doctors
think they should send the man to a dentist.
     After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys
 mouth and examining it.
     The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."
     The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc"
     The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."
     The guy says " has that got to do with my farts?"
     The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"


"I'll be Sewing You"

"Red Cells in the Sunset"

"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"

"It Had to Be Flu"

"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"

"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"

"The Staphs and Streps Forever"

"Old Man's Liver"

"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"

"The Girl From Emphysema"

"MRI Blue?"

"My Melancolicky Baby"

"From Here to Maternity"






last edited 4-17-2003