SMILE
.

Only in the U S of A
.
.Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a
diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place...
Only in America..do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of seven or eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
creatures"...
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
A
 farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of
the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Dear Mum and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not having written before.   I will bring you up to date now, but
before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE
SITTING DOWN.  OKAY!!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull  fracture
and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my
dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well
healed now.  I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed
by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the
one who called the fire department and the ambulance.   He also
visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because
of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment with him.  It's really a basement room, but it's
kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married.  We haven't set the exact date
yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mum and Dad, I am pregnant.   I know how much you are
looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender
care you gave me when I was a child.  The reason for the delay
in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and
I carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is
kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious.  Although he
is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed
tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin
color is different  than ours.  I am sure you will love him as
I do.  His family background is good too, for I am told that his father
is an important gun-bearer in the village from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant, I am not engaged.  I do
not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I
wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
  Your Loving Daughter
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Man/Woman
 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
   A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love
him a little.
   To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men -but married men
   are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in
   two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
   A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she
does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man
says
   after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
    before marriage & after marriage.
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
 MAN OF THE '90s P.H.D.
 COURSE 001:     COMBATING STUPIDITY
 COURSE 002:     YOU TOO CAN DO HOUSEWORK
 COURSE 003:     PMS-LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
 COURSE 004:     HOW TO FILL AN ICE TRAY
 COURSE 006:     WONDERFUL LAUNDRY TECHNIQUES
                               (FORMERLY-DON'T WASH MY SILKS)
 COURSE 008:     PARENTING:  IT DOESN'T END WITH CONCEPTION
 COURSE 009:     GET A LIFE:  LEARN TO COOK
 COURSE 011:     UNDERSTANDING YOUR INCOMPETENCE
 COURSE 012:     YOU: THE WEAKER SEX
 COURSE 013:     REASONS TO GIVE FLOWERS
 COURSE 017:     HOW TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
 COURSE 018:     THE REMOTE CONTROL:  OVERCOMING YOUR
                                DEPENDENCY
 COURSE 019:     HOW NOT TO ACT YOUNGER THAN YOUR CHILDREN
 COURSE 020:     YOU TOO CAN BE A DESIGNATED DRIVER
 COURSE 024:     REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
PLEASE REGISTER IMMEDIATELY AS COURSES ARE IN GREAT DEMAND.
CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 10 AS COURSE MATERIAL MAY PROVE
DIFFICULT.
******************************************************************************
 WOMAN OF THE '90s P.H.D.
COURSE 001:     COMBATING STUPIDITY
COURSE 002:     YOU TOO CAN CHANGE THE OIL
COURSE 003:     PMS-LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
COURSE 004:     HOW TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
COURSE 006:     WONDERFUL OUTDOOR COOKING TECHNIQUES
                                (FORMERLY- HOW TO USE THE BAR-B-Q)
COURSE 008:     YOUR SEX LIFE:  IT DOESN'T END WITH CONCEPTION
COURSE 009:     GET A LIFE:  LEARN TO GOLF
COURSE 011:     UNDERSTANDING YOUR INCOMPETENCE
COURSE 012:     YOU: THE WEAKER SEX
COURSE 013:     101 REASONS TO STOP EXPECTING FLOWERS
COURSE 017:     HOW LEAVING THE TOLIET SEAT UP MEANS HE'S
                                KEEPING IT CLEAN FOR YOU
COURSE 018:     THE REMOTE CONTROL:  WHY IT'S A MAN'S JOB
COURSE 019:     HOW NOT TO ACT OLDER THAN YOUR MOTHER
COURSE 020:     WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER
COURSE 024:     REAL MEN DON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
................................................
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the
brains of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas
I'll never know.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both
sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Time wounds all heels.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more
of you than you do!
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.
Now you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
THE PIANO
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took
her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted
a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing
the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy
rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."
When the houselights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother
returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly,
the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on
stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard,
innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the
great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and
whispered in he boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over,
Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass
part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and
he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice
transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
And the audience was mesmerized.
Whatever our situation in life and history--however outrageous, however
desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the
soul-- God is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing.
You are not alone, Together we will transform the broken patterns into a
masterwork of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with
our song of peace."
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
TACO HELL
 On my way home from the shopping at the mall  I stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill.  That is all
of the cash I have on my person.  I figure that with a $2 bill,  I can get
something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.
 ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.  "IT: "Is that it?"
 ME: "Yep.  "IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here? "ME: "No, it's to go."
[I hate effort duplication.]
 At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
 kind of funny and   IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
 He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
 IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?   MG: "No. A what?"  IT: "A $2 bill.
This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else,
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."  IT: "Yeah, thought so."
 He comes back to me and says  IT: "We don't take these. Do you have
anything else?"  ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
 IT: "I don't know."  ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
 IT: "Yeah."  ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"  IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
 He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going
 to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have
anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
 get change."  MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
[my emphasis]  IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when
he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
 MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
 The manager approaches me and says, MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills
this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted
indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take
those either."  ME: "Why the hell not?"  MG: "I think you *know* why."
 ME: "No really, tell me, why?"  MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
 ME: "Excuse me?"  MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
 ME: "What the hell for?"  MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
 MG: "Would you please just leave?"  ME MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
 ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
 At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
 dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes
 later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of
 counter, in a whisper]
 SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some
[pause] funny money."  SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this,  a two dollar bill."
 SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]  MG: "I don't know?
He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."  SG: "So, the
fifty's fake?"  MG: "NO, the $2 is."  SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
 MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"  SG: "Yeah..."
 Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
 ME: "Uh, no."  SG: "Lemme see 'em."  ME: "Why?"  SG: "Do you want me
to get the cops in here?"  At this point I was ready to say  "SURE, PLEASE,"
but I wanted to eat, so I said
 ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
 I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
 at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
 SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"  MG: "It's fake."  SG: "It doesn't look
fake to me."  MG: "But it's a $2 bill."  SG: "Yeah?"  MG: "Well, there's no such
thing, is there?"  The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an
 idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
 My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too.  Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
 what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people,
 I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank; proving once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat
it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
The Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner.  During
the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the
housekeeper than met the eye.  Reading his
mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, my
relationship with my housekeeper is purely
professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to
John and said, "Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose she took it,
do you?"  John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
write her a letter just to be sure."  So he sat
down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying
you 'did not' take a gravy ladle.  But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since
you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from
his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying
that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper.  But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
THELMA
  Even at the age of 75, Thelma was very vivacious and full of
  life. When her husband passed away, her children suggested that
  she move to a "senior living community." A gregarious and life-
  loving person, Thelma decided to do so.
  Shortly after moving in, Thelma became a self-appointed
  activities director, coordinating all sorts of things for the
  people in the community to do and quickly became very popular and
  made many friends.
  When Thelma turned 80, her newfound friends showed their
  appreciation by throwing a surprise birthday party for her. When
  Thelma entered the dining room for dinner that night, she was
  greeted by a standing ovation and one of the coordinators led her
  to the head table. The night was filled with laughter and
  entertainment, but throughout the evening, Thelma could not take
  her eyes off a gentleman sitting at the other end of the table.
  When the festivities ended, Thelma quickly rose from her
  seat and rushed over to the man. "Pardon me," Thelma said.
  "Please forgive me if I made you feel uncomfortable by staring at
  you all night. I just couldn't help myself from looking your way.
  You see, you look just like my fifth husband."
  "Your fifth husband!" replied the gentleman. "Forgive me for
  asking, but how many times have you been married?"
  With that, a smile came across Thelma's face as she
  responded, "Four."
  They were married shortly after.
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Getting Old
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your
rocker.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know
why I look like this. I have traveled a long way. And some of the roads
were not paved.
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when
you know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE !
Spring is here and so am I, But at my age I wonder why If nature can be
born anew Why can't I be recycled too?
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or starts to
leak.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Things That Suck
  1.That not-so-fresh feeling
  2.Women/Men who complain that they're fat, when they really aren't
  3.Allergies
  4.People who name their kids "Barbi," "Tad," "Buffy," etc.
  5.Math classes
  6.Conformists
  7.When fast food joints screw up your order
  8.Infomercials
  9.Corporate WELFARE!!!
 10.Psychic Friends Network(and anything endorsed by a celebrity)
 11.Olestra
 12.When Fido sniffs your crotch, or humps your leg
 13.Kathie Lee Gifford
 14.Censorship of any kind
 15.Kevin Costner
 16.narrowminded people
 17.old people who insist on driving even when there 123 years old!!!
 18.Special Interest Groups!!
 19.Cold fries
 20.people who run red lights 5 seconds after there light has turned red!
 21.Any Prententiousness
 22.discrimination in all its forms
 23.Bigotry
 24.Those morons who knock on your door and are arrogant enough to tell me I need to join
    there religion
 25.Welfare as we know it today
 26.Bill Gates and Microsloth(A given:o)
 27.people who insist on parking in a physically handicapped zone when they are only mentally
      handicapped.
 28.Turning your clocks ahead one hour
 29.people who call and then hang up
 30.people who call and there number is "Name and Number Unknown" and then hang up!
 31.Prize fights
 32.Salesgirls in dept. stores who spray perfume
 33. long lines in any store.
 34. Complainersl
 35.Old people who want to teach but say they are to old to learn
 36.Almost all commercials!
 37.Poorly manufactured Condoms
 38.Anything Advertised with Wings!!...PLEASE CMON PEOPLE!!
 39.Televangelism
 40.Lawyers all ofem!
 41.AIDS&CANCER
 42.Castration
 43.TCI (Terrible Cable Incorporated-The Devil Incarnate!)
 44.Links that don't work:o)
 45.elitists and the trappings that go with them
 46.intellectual idiots
 47.Politics..the whole spectrum
 48.anyone who fancies themselves superior to another
 49.The WNBA..And its sorry Corporate sponsors!
 50.Professional Atheletes In General
 51.Taxes...all of them!
 52.The RICH who evade all of the taxes!
 53.When the person in front of you in a supermarket EXPRESS line has a full cart and a fat
      ass....and is on welfare AND buying TOP SIRLOIN!!
 54.People on welfare who buy one item and then take the change and buy a 40 ounce
      something and some cancer nails!
 55.The Tobacco Companies!!
 56.All Sports Teams that say they need a new stadium!!
 57.Stepping in poop of any kind..especially when it gets between your toes
 58.RACISM
 59.Any Government alphabet agency(EX:ATF, FDA ETC)
 60.BEAUCRACY OF ANY KIND
 61.no one visiting my home page:o)(if it ever happened tee hee)
 62.Sitting you know where and discovering there is no toilet paper on klenex in the room with you.
 63.Healthy people/Doctors telling terminally ill people they haven't suffered enough!
 64.Slavery(Don't laugh its still with us)
 65.Having to explain a Joke and of course then it totally ceases to be funny
 66.Susan Powter
 67.Anything or anyone that encourages business as usual
 68.Anyone who says"Thats the price of doing business"!
 69.People Who Stare
 70.People who stare while picking their noses
 71.Double Dippers
 72.Anyone who thinks Kate Moss looks attractive or healthy for that matter
 73.Capitalism
 74.Any Docu Drama based on real life
 75.newspapers that are to big and use cheap ink that gets all over your hands..ICK!
 76.Arrogance
 77.People who say they're openminded but really are not..this applies to all things in life
 78.Bad Breathe
 79.Bad Cops
 80.Bad People
 81.People who own "Harleys" cuz they think they're all that and do it for the status
 82.Any Male stoopid enough to pierce their penis
 83.Watching a NASCAR race and no one wrecks
 84.Excessive body odor
 85.People who come to a complete stop at YIELD SIGNS!!!
 86.Rush Limbaugh
 87.Anyone who listens to Rush Limbaugh
 88.People who stay with abusive mates
 89.Humidity
 90.Anyone who is constantly offended
 91.George Bush
 92.Anyone Offended by this list
 93.Ear Hair
 94.Butt Cracks
 95.The Back Street Boys
 96.The Spice Girls
 97.Homophobic people
 98.Music you can hear half hour before it gets there
 99.Rapp Music (?)
100.The Hansons
101.Teachers who have as much right to be TEACHING as a convicted pedophile
does being a scoutmaster!
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
 A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
 communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
 church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
 and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
 whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
 wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
 time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
 and asked:  "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
 problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't
 even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every
 happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME
 ALL THE TIME!"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Women's Snappy Comebacks:
     Man:   "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
     Man:   "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
     Man:    "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
     Man:   "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know.  Will two people fit under a rock?"
     Man:   "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
     Man:   "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
     Man:   "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
     Man:    "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:  "I'm a female impersonator."
     Man:   "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
     Man:   "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
     Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
     Man:   "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah!  Let's pick up some chicks!"
     Man:   "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

     Man:   "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
     Man:   "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
     Man:   "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."
     Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
     Man:   "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
     Man:   "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
     Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."
     Man:   "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" >>
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall magestic mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with
carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking
sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon."
God continues......
"I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people of earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am going
to give them."
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
A  yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined. "You yuppies
are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried
about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped
off!!!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was,  "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16  We're working on that smell thing, too.
15  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14  As seen on "COPS"
13  If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12  Not just for nooners anymore.
11  We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10  You rented the room, now buy the video.
 9  Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
    wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
 8  We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
 7  Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal!
 6  We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*
 5  It's Hookerriffic!
 4  Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
 3  Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art  since 1962!
 2  Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
 1  We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
HELP IT GROW
 Little Johnny was a young boy, and just potty trained.  When he went to the
 bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet.  So mom had to go in and clean
up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and took 'lil Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination, the Dr. said, "Well, his unit is too small.  An old
wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit
will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
Next morninig Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen.  On
the table are 12 slices of toast.  "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only
had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
-------------------
THANKS FOR THE LIFT
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of
the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.  Having no choice,
she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in
the fifth," she said.
"No, ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
---------------------
TRYING TO QUIT
President Clinton was on his daily jog with the secret service agents.
After the run, they all hit the showers.
President Clinton took off his sweat shirt and there were a pair of
womens panties on his chest.
The newest service agent, pulled the Presidnet aside and said, "Sir, I do
not wish to embarras you, however, you have a pair of womens panties on
your chest!"
The President siad, "that's okay, don't worry, that is my patch, I am
trying to give them up!"
--------------------------------
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture.  He advised his friends to play
through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.  They followed the plan
and waited for their friend. after a considerable time he appeared disheveled,
bloody, and badly beaten up.  They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
ball.  He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.  He went over
and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his.  A woman comes out of
the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.  The helpful
male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like
yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.
*****************
Hunchback comes home from work one day and sees a Wok on the table.  He
says, "Are we having Chinese food tonight?"
She says, "No, I was just ironing your shirts".
************************************************************************
There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms.  The clerk there
said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.  The three
men agreed to take it.  In the middle of the night, all three woke up.
The man on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holding my dick!"
"Same here!" said the man on the right.
"Strange," said the man in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
********************
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he
said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.  She has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea.  Why don't you make up a certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!"  So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?  How'd
it turn out?"
"She loved it.  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and
ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
********************
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
      pinched her on her butt and said "You know, if you firmed this up, we
      could get rid of your girdle".  While this was on the edge of
      intolerable, she thought  to herself, bette to  reply  with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
      said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
bra".  This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis.  With a death grip in place, she said, "You
know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother
///////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Q:  Why is taking Viagra like going to Disneyland?
A:  Because you have to wait an hour for a ride that lasts
just two minutes.
***********************
"Viagra in UK"
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived on 19th May at Heathrow airport, but
was hijacked on the way to the depot.  Scotland Yard have warned
the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
************
************

****************************************************
TRIVIA
THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW:
1.  Debra Winger was the voice of  E.T.
2.  Pearls melt in vinegar
3.  It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
4.  Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
5.  The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO, COCA-COLA, and
BUDWEISER, in that order.
6.  It's possible to lead a cow upstairs. . .but not downstairs.
7.  Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
8.  Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
9.  The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by
Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
10. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
11. Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 12. No word in the English language
rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
13. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
15. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
16. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
17. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (thus the name of the Don McLean song)
18. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.  Spades - King David * Clubs -
Alexander
the Great *  Hearts -Charlemagne * Diamonds - Julius Caesar
19. 111,111,111  x  111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
20. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses
down - hence the expression "To get fired."
21. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
22. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
23. An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
24. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
25. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
26. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
27. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
28. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of
money
in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
29. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
30. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are
the
day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" movie was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted
white.
32. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
33. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
34. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president AL Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.
35. The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could
be confused at a crime scene.
36. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
37. James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle
finger on his right finger (lost it on D-Day).
38. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight.  These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
39. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
40  All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
 
 

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