Man:   "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
     Man:   "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
     Man:   "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."
     Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
     Man:   "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
     Man:   "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
     Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."
     Man:   "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" >>
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall magestic mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with
carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking
sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon."
God continues......
"I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
friendly people of earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am going
to give them."
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
A  yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined. "You yuppies
are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried
about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped
off!!!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was,  "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16  We're working on that smell thing, too.
15  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14  As seen on "COPS"
13  If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12  Not just for nooners anymore.
11  We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10  You rented the room, now buy the video.
 9  Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
    wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
 8  We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
 7  Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal!
 6  We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery *better*
 5  It's Hookerriffic!
 4  Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
 3  Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art  since 1962!
 2  Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
 1  We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
HELP IT GROW
 Little Johnny was a young boy, and just potty trained.  When he went to the
 bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet.  So mom had to go in and clean
up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and took 'lil Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination, the Dr. said, "Well, his unit is too small.  An old
wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit
will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
Next morninig Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen.  On
the table are 12 slices of toast.  "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only
had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
-------------------
THANKS FOR THE LIFT
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of
the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.  Having no choice,
she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well-endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in
the fifth," she said.
"No, ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."
---------------------
TRYING TO QUIT
President Clinton was on his daily jog with the secret service agents.
After the run, they all hit the showers.
President Clinton took off his sweat shirt and there were a pair of
womens panties on his chest.
The newest service agent, pulled the Presidnet aside and said, "Sir, I do
not wish to embarras you, however, you have a pair of womens panties on
your chest!"
The President siad, "that's okay, don't worry, that is my patch, I am
trying to give them up!"
--------------------------------
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture.  He advised his friends to play
through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.  They followed the plan
and waited for their friend. after a considerable time he appeared disheveled,
bloody, and badly beaten up.  They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
ball.  He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.  He went over
and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his.  A woman comes out of
the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.  The helpful
male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like
yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.
*****************
Hunchback comes home from work one day and sees a Wok on the table.  He
says, "Are we having Chinese food tonight?"
She says, "No, I was just ironing your shirts".
************************************************************************
There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms.  The clerk there
said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed.  The three
men agreed to take it.  In the middle of the night, all three woke up.
The man on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holding my dick!"
"Same here!" said the man on the right.
"Strange," said the man in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
********************
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he
said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.  She has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea.  Why don't you make up a certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!"  So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?  How'd
it turn out?"
"She loved it.  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and
ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
********************
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
      pinched her on her butt and said "You know, if you firmed this up, we
      could get rid of your girdle".  While this was on the edge of
      intolerable, she thought  to herself, bette to  reply  with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
      said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
bra".  This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
grabbed him by the penis.  With a death grip in place, she said, "You
know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother
///////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary
assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\////////\\\\\\\\
Q:  Why is taking Viagra like going to Disneyland?
A:  Because you have to wait an hour for a ride that lasts
just two minutes.
***********************
"Viagra in UK"
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived on 19th May at Heathrow airport, but
was hijacked on the way to the depot.  Scotland Yard have warned
the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
************
************

****************************************************
TRIVIA
THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW:
1.  Debra Winger was the voice of  E.T.
2.  Pearls melt in vinegar
3.  It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
4.  Thirty-Five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
5.  The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO, COCA-COLA, and
BUDWEISER, in that order.
6.  It's possible to lead a cow upstairs. . .but not downstairs.
7.  Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
8.  Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
9.  The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by
Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
10. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
11. Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 12. No word in the English language
rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
13. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
14. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
15. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
16. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
17. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (thus the name of the Don McLean song)
18. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.  Spades - King David * Clubs -
Alexander
the Great *  Hearts -Charlemagne * Diamonds - Julius Caesar
19. 111,111,111  x  111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
20. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses
down - hence the expression "To get fired."
21. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
22. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
23. An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
24. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
25. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
26. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
27. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
28. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of
money
in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
29. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
30. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are
the
day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" movie was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted
white.
32. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
33. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
34. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president AL Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.
35. The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could
be confused at a crime scene.
36. Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
37. James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle
finger on his right finger (lost it on D-Day).
38. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight.  These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
39. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
40  All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
 
 

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