Only in the
U S of A
.Only in America...can
a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are
there handicap parking places in front of a skating
Only in America...do
people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a
Only in America...do
banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
Only in America...do
we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do
we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in
the first place...
Only in America..do
we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of seven or
Only in America...do
we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking
in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he noticed
a man standing on the rail of
ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped his truck
ran up to the man and said, "Hey
are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!" The jumper replied,
"I have no wife or children."
man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied,
"Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the
Alabama man said, "Jump, you stupid Yankee, jump!"
Dear Mum and
It has now
been three months since I left for college. I have been
remiss in writing
this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but
read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT
TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture
and the concussion
I got when I jumped out of the window of my
it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well
I only get those sick headaches once a day.
the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed
by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the
one who called
the fire department and the ambulance. He also
at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because
of the burned
out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to
share his apartment
with him. It's really a basement room, but it's
kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are
planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date
yet, but it
will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mum and
Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
to being grandparents and I know you will
baby and give it the love, devotion and tender
care you gave
me when I was a child. The reason for the delay
in our marriage
is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
injections I am taking daily.
I know you
will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is
kind and although
not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he
is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your expressed
not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin
color is different
than ours. I am sure you will love him as
His family background is good too, for I am told that his father
is an important
gun-bearer in the village from which he came.
Now that I
have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there
was no dormitory
fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture.
I was not in
the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do
not have syphilis
and there is no man (of any color) in my life.
am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I
to see those marks in the proper perspective.
man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman
worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful
man is one who makes more money than his wife can
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy
with a man you must understand him a lot & love
him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
her at all.
men live longer than single men -but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married
man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake
up as good-looking as they went to bed.
8. A woman
marries a man expecting he will change, but he
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she
9. A woman
has the last word in any argument. Anything a man
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage & after marriage.
THE '90s P.H.D.
001: COMBATING STUPIDITY
002: YOU TOO CAN DO HOUSEWORK
003: PMS-LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
004: HOW TO FILL AN ICE TRAY
006: WONDERFUL LAUNDRY TECHNIQUES
(FORMERLY-DON'T WASH MY SILKS)
008: PARENTING: IT DOESN'T END WITH CONCEPTION
009: GET A LIFE: LEARN TO COOK
011: UNDERSTANDING YOUR INCOMPETENCE
012: YOU: THE WEAKER SEX
013: REASONS TO GIVE FLOWERS
017: HOW TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
018: THE REMOTE CONTROL: OVERCOMING YOUR
019: HOW NOT TO ACT YOUNGER THAN YOUR CHILDREN
020: YOU TOO CAN BE A DESIGNATED DRIVER
024: REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
IMMEDIATELY AS COURSES ARE IN GREAT DEMAND.
WILL BE LIMITED TO 10 AS COURSE MATERIAL MAY PROVE
OF THE '90s P.H.D.
YOU TOO CAN CHANGE THE OIL
PMS-LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
HOW TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB
WONDERFUL OUTDOOR COOKING TECHNIQUES
(FORMERLY- HOW TO USE THE BAR-B-Q)
YOUR SEX LIFE: IT DOESN'T END WITH CONCEPTION
GET A LIFE: LEARN TO GOLF
UNDERSTANDING YOUR INCOMPETENCE
YOU: THE WEAKER SEX
101 REASONS TO STOP EXPECTING FLOWERS
HOW LEAVING THE TOLIET SEAT UP MEANS HE'S
KEEPING IT CLEAN FOR YOU
THE REMOTE CONTROL: WHY IT'S A MAN'S JOB
HOW NOT TO ACT OLDER THAN YOUR MOTHER
WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE DESIGNATED DRIVER
REAL MEN DON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Send up a larger room.
Who are you
going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my
principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look
like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really
is an idiot.
I never forget
a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of
five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment
I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
Someday I intend reading it.
Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
You know I
could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the
brains of a
four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only
as old as the woman he feels.
I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Why, I'd horse-whip
you if I had a horse.
is to justice what military music is to music.
is a contradiction in terms.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas
There is no
sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I must say
that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on,
I go to the library and read a book.
I have had
a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If I held you
any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I must confess,
I was born at a very early age.
I don't care
to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
It is better
to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
I was married
by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
dead or my watch has stopped.
we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she
be obscene and not heard.
After his introduction
on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both
sat down at
a big fan of yours, Groucho."
it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."
Do you think
I could buy back my introduction to you?
Why was I with
her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more
of you than
successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
As soon as
I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will
Now you tell
me what you know.
Marry me and
I'll never look at another horse!
I married your
mother because I wanted children, imagine my
when you came along.
is,... I'm against it.
A woman is
an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Quote me as
saying I was misquoted.
encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took
her boy to
a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted
a friend in
the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her. Seizing
to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy
rose and eventually
explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."
When the houselights
dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother
her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly,
parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on
stage. In horror,
the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard,
picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the
master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and
he boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over,
reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass
his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and
he added a
running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice
a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
And the audience
situation in life and history--however outrageous, however
whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the
is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't quit. Keep playing.
You are not
alone, Together we will transform the broken patterns into a
of my creative art. Together, we will mesmerize the world with
our song of
way home from the shopping at the mall I stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick
bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is
of the cash
I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get
eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.
I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go. "IT: "Is that it?"
"IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here? "ME: "No, it's to go."
[I hate effort
point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
conversation occurs between the two of them.
you ever see a $2 bill? MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill.
This guy just
gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else,
SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." IT: "Yeah, thought so."
back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going
and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when
he has REAL
money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
approaches me and says, MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills
this time of
night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted
with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take
ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you *know* why."
really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
you please just leave?" ME MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
that's Burger King, isn't it?"
point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes
this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of
in a whisper]
Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some
money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know?
weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the
MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..."
guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here
tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want
to get the
cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say "SURE, PLEASE,"
but I wanted
to eat, so I said
just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't
fake to me."
MG: "But it's a $2 bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no
thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an
and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people,
probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
What do you
get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Did you hear
about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank; proving
once-and-for-all that you can't have your kayak & heat
dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar
and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes
into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are
walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to
the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear
about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of
chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The Gravy Ladle
his mother over for dinner. During
the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how
and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course
of the evening, she started to
wonder if there
was more between John and the
than met the eye. Reading his
John volunteered, "I know what
you must be
thinking, but I assure you, my
with my housekeeper is purely
About a week
later, the housekeeper came to
John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to
been unable to find the beautiful
ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll
write her a
letter just to be sure." So he sat
down and wrote:
I'm not saying you 'did' take a
from my house, and I'm not saying
you 'did not'
take a gravy ladle. But the fact
one has been missing ever since
you were here
later, John received a letter from
which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying
that you 'do'
sleep with your housekeeper, and
I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with your
But the fact remains that if she
in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy
ladle by now.
at the age of 75, Thelma was very vivacious and full of
When her husband passed away, her children suggested that
move to a "senior living community." A gregarious and life-
person, Thelma decided to do so.
after moving in, Thelma became a self-appointed
director, coordinating all sorts of things for the
in the community to do and quickly became very popular and
Thelma turned 80, her newfound friends showed their
by throwing a surprise birthday party for her. When
entered the dining room for dinner that night, she was
by a standing ovation and one of the coordinators led her
head table. The night was filled with laughter and
but throughout the evening, Thelma could not take
eyes off a gentleman sitting at the other end of the table.
the festivities ended, Thelma quickly rose from her
and rushed over to the man. "Pardon me," Thelma said.
forgive me if I made you feel uncomfortable by staring at
all night. I just couldn't help myself from looking your way.
see, you look just like my fifth husband."
fifth husband!" replied the gentleman. "Forgive me for
but how many times have you been married?"
that, a smile came across Thelma's face as she
were married shortly after.
Don't let anyone
tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your
The older we
get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know
why I look
like this. I have traveled a long way. And some of the roads
were not paved.
being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when
you know when
to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE !
Spring is here
and so am I, But at my age I wonder why If nature can be
born anew Why
can't I be recycled too?
You know you
are getting old when everything either dries up or starts to
I don't know
how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
who complain that they're fat, when they really aren't
who name their kids "Barbi," "Tad," "Buffy," etc.
fast food joints screw up your order
Friends Network(and anything endorsed by a celebrity)
Fido sniffs your crotch, or humps your leg
of any kind
people who insist on driving even when there 123 years old!!!
who run red lights 5 seconds after there light has turned red!
in all its forms
morons who knock on your door and are arrogant enough to tell me I need
as we know it today
Gates and Microsloth(A given:o)
who insist on parking in a physically handicapped zone when they are only
your clocks ahead one hour
who call and then hang up
who call and there number is "Name and Number Unknown" and then hang up!
in dept. stores who spray perfume
lines in any store.
people who want to teach but say they are to old to learn
Advertised with Wings!!...PLEASE CMON PEOPLE!!
(Terrible Cable Incorporated-The Devil Incarnate!)
that don't work:o)
and the trappings that go with them
who fancies themselves superior to another
WNBA..And its sorry Corporate sponsors!
Atheletes In General
RICH who evade all of the taxes!
the person in front of you in a supermarket EXPRESS line has a full cart
and a fat
ass....and is on welfare AND buying TOP SIRLOIN!!
on welfare who buy one item and then take the change and buy a 40 ounce
something and some cancer nails!
Sports Teams that say they need a new stadium!!
in poop of any kind..especially when it gets between your toes
Government alphabet agency(EX:ATF, FDA ETC)
OF ANY KIND
one visiting my home page:o)(if it ever happened tee hee)
you know where and discovering there is no toilet paper on klenex in the
room with you.
people/Doctors telling terminally ill people they haven't suffered enough!
laugh its still with us)
to explain a Joke and of course then it totally ceases to be funny
or anyone that encourages business as usual
who says"Thats the price of doing business"!
who stare while picking their noses
who thinks Kate Moss looks attractive or healthy for that matter
Docu Drama based on real life
that are to big and use cheap ink that gets all over your hands..ICK!
who say they're openminded but really are not..this applies to all things
who own "Harleys" cuz they think they're all that and do it for the status
Male stoopid enough to pierce their penis
a NASCAR race and no one wrecks
who come to a complete stop at YIELD SIGNS!!!
who listens to Rush Limbaugh
who stay with abusive mates
who is constantly offended
Offended by this list
Back Street Boys
you can hear half hour before it gets there
who have as much right to be TEACHING as a convicted pedophile
religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious
day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
of the day.
So one day,
deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't
believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every
while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great
voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
I don't date outside my species.."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
but would you stay there?" >>
On the sixth
day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:
"Today I am
going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of
natural beauty, it shall have tall magestic mountains full
goats, and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with
carp and trout,
forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking
with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon."
"I shall make
the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I
these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most
asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
replied God "just wait and see the neighbours I am going
to give them."
opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door,
ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene,
was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined. "You yuppies
are so materialistic,
you make me sick!!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried
stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped
my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left
his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
working on that smell thing, too.
you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
seen on "COPS"
We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
just for nooners anymore.
left off the 9, but you know it's there.
rented the room, now buy the video.
Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on
your salary, pal!
We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since
Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother and the Number 1 Rejected Motel
We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
Johnny was a young boy, and just potty trained. When he went to the
though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and
up after him.
After two weeks,
she has had enough, and took 'lil Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination,
the Dr. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old
was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit
will grow so
he can hold it and aim straight."
Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On
the table are
12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only
had to eat
"I know," smiled
his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."
FOR THE LIFT
A group of
third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
on a field trip to the local race track to learn about
horses and the supporting industry.
tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.
As the teacher
assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of
the boys came
out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice,
she went inside
and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted
one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in
he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
the lift anyhow."
was on his daily jog with the secret service agents.
After the run,
they all hit the showers.
took off his sweat shirt and there were a pair of
on his chest.
service agent, pulled the Presidnet aside and said, "Sir, I do
not wish to
embarras you, however, you have a pair of womens panties on
siad, "that's okay, don't worry, that is my patch, I am
trying to give
was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked
into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play
he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan
for their friend. after a considerable time he appeared disheveled,
badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over
her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow
Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of
apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful
lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like
that was the last thing he could remember.
home from work one day and sees a Wok on the table. He
we having Chinese food tonight?"
She says, "No,
I was just ironing your shirts".
three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room.
They went up
to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there
said that was
only one room left but it had a king size bed. The three
to take it. In the middle of the night, all three woke up.
The man on
the left said "I had a dream that someone was holding my dick!"
said the man on the right.
said the man in the middle, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
Did you hear
about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he
said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
His buddy said,
"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate
that says she
can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day
his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd
it turn out?"
it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and
ran out the
door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!"
while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on her butt and said "You know, if you firmed this up, we
could get rid of your girdle". While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she thought to herself, bette to reply with
The next morning
the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and
by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You
know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother
The room was
full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
along with informing the men how to give the necessary
at this stage of the plan.
then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to
go walking with your partner!"
The room really
man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Is it alright
if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
is taking Viagra like going to Disneyland?
you have to wait an hour for a ride that lasts
just two minutes.
approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment
arrived on 19th May at Heathrow airport, but
on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned
to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
THINGS THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW:
1. Debra Winger was the voice of
2. Pearls melt in vinegar
3. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL
with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
4. Thirty-Five percent of the people who
use personal ads for dating are already married.
5. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
MARLBORO, COCA-COLA, and
BUDWEISER, in that order.
6. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs.
. .but not downstairs.
7. Humans are the only primates that don't
have pigment in the palms of their hands.
8. Ten percent of the Russian government's
income comes from the sale of vodka.
9. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps
over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by
Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
10. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled
without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
11. Stewardesses' is the longest word that is
typed with only the left hand. 12. No word in the English language
rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
13. "I am" is the shortest complete sentence
in the English language.
14. Average life span of a major league baseball:
15. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows
16. The reason firehouses have circular stairways
is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses.
The horses were stabled on the ground floor and
figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
17. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the
"American Pie." (thus the name of the Don McLean song)
18. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history. Spades - King David * Clubs -
the Great * Hearts -Charlemagne * Diamonds
- Julius Caesar
19. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
20. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid
of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses
down - hence the expression "To get fired."
21. Only two people signed the Declaration of
Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
22. Hershey's Kisses are called that because
the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
23. An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
24. The longest recorded flight of a chicken
is thirteen seconds.
25. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation
used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
26. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower
than the lowest point in Colorado.
27. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected
28. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and
four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of
in coins without being able to make change for
29. No NFL team which plays its home games in
a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.
30. The only two days of the year in which there
are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are
day before and the day after the Major League
31. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" movie was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted
32. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne,
it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
33. Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
34. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president
AL Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.
35. The fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually
indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could
be confused at a crime scene.
36. Months that begin on a Sunday will always
have a "Friday the 13th."
37. James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery
Scott (Scotty) on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle
finger on his right finger (lost it on D-Day).
38. The Eisenhower interstate system requires
that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections
usable as airstrips in times of war or other
39. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
40 All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp
Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.