Dear Dad,
 $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't
think of anything I need,  $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
 love to hear from you.
 Love,
Your $on.

--------------------
 Dear Son,
  I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
  Love,
Dad
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<
The following is British Sunday Express' Gongs for dubious Distinctions

Rubber Cushion......To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup........Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo.  His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words
"Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star:.......To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated
about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star:.......To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup......To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes
while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse ... but
complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.

Flying Cross.....To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000
rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat.  Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from
finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel....To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York
funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on.  Celebrations were short-lived,
due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock

Silver Bullet......To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making
her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United
flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an
angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out, if you
will just wait your turn in line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth
and swore, "F*** you."  With that the attendent (without batting an eye)
spoke into the microphone and told the passenger that he would have to "wait in line for thay also."
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<

                THE OIL PAINTING
                          - Submitted by Rubin
              ------------------------------------
An elderly  woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the the artist....
....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
                  *******************
                 Interesting FACTS
* Coca-cola was originally green.
.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
.
* Smartest dogs:  1) border collie;  2)poodle; 3)golden retriever;
.
* Dumbest dog: Afghan
.
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
.
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one
  olive from each salad served in first class:  $40,000
.
* City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita:  Hong Kong
.
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
.
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York:  1 in 4
                  *******************
                  Murphy's Law of the Day
"The sum of the intelligence of the planet is constant; the population is growing.
                  *******************
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits
next to an elderly woman.  She looks the man up and down and says,
I've got news for you.  "You're going straight to hell!"  The man jumps up
out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
                *******************
The following are actual statements made during court cases:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
========================================
>From a defendant representing himself ... Defendant: Did you get a good
look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You
are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while
I had the chance.
========================================
 Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
 Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
========================================
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth too.
========================================
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he
was a good plaintiff's doctor.
========================================
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
========================================
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one
fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit
back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.
=======================
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my
case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
========================================
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the ''Colonel'' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the ''Honorable'' in front of
your name. Not a damn thing.
========================================
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
========================================
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I
address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five
days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
___________
Three women friends,  British, French and Russian, vowed to never
wash clothes or wash dishes for any future husband. After marriage,
they met to discuss their success.
The British wife said that she gave the ultimatum to her British
husband and he left home with hurt feelings for three days and returned
with a washer and dishwasher.
The French wife said that she gave the ultimatum to her French
husband and he left with anger for three days and returned with flowers,
a dishwasher and a washer.
The Russian wife said she gave the ultimatum to her Russian
husband and he left for three days during which she was able to see out
of at least one eye when he returned.
(It was a "hit" joke in Moscow's streets - you had to be there.)
__________________
London, 19th May:
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was
hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public
to be on the lookout for a gang of  hardened criminals.
_________________
In the French Countryside
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring
the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young
couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est
magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.  Suddenly
he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!  Ze woman -she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean,
the police chief.  He came, out of breath, to the police station and
shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in
farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not
so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?
Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's
story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a
young couple naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science.  You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!  Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!"
grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston's field.  After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly
back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.  He got there,
went inside,  smiled patiently, and said,  "Ah, mes amis,
do not worry.  Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"
0=============0
..Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
       "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass
       of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender,
       "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
       ...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've
       lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says,
 ........ 'Yes, I'm positive...'
===============
    ***Marriage***
 I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? --Jerry Seinfeld
.
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.--George Burns
.
 I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word--if only she'd get to it.  ----Henny Youngman
.
 My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.----Woodey Allen
.
 Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.----Anonymous
.
 Why does a woman work for years to change man's habits,and then complain that he's
 not the man she married? --Barbara Streisand
.
 I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said,
 "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!"----Yakov Smirnoff
.
 Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you
 can't remember what it is. ---Milton Berle
.
 I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!                ----Henny Youngman
.
 I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.  Then she told me the truth: that
she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -----Rodney Dangerfield
******************************************************
 A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home.
Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.  She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.  Once at the dealer, she
found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must
replace it since she only had one radio station.   The salesman calmed her down and told her that
her car radio was the latest in digital technology and was voice-activated. She would only need to
state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.  She got into the car and
started the engine and then said the word  "country", and the radio changed to a station playing
a George Strait song.  She was satisfied and started home.  After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock n roll" and the radio station changed to a song by the Rolling Stones.
Quite pleased with herself, the woman continued driving.   A few blocks from her house, another
driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily
exclaimed   "Asshole!"   .....the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
**************************************************************************
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!!
  There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
  He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
  that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"  Many times while she was
  praying, he would go to her house and harass her saying, "Lady, why do
  you pray all the time?  Don't you know there is no God?"  But she kept on
praying.  One day, she ran out of groceries.  As usual, she was praying to
the  Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna
  do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself,  "Hmph...
I'll fix her."  He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries,
took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell
and then hid in the bushes to seewhat  she would do.
  When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise
  the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing, and shoutin' everywhere.
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought  those groceries"  Well,
she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising
the Lord.  When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was....
She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM"
**************************************************************************

TRUEISMS

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've  stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried
every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

 The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you  use?"

 The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They
have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist  and they're sort of bald on top with a funny
ring of hair on their heads."

 "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

                 Thoughts To Live By: Love

                 Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford,
as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as
Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you
realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy
Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry
Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway.

IS HE REALLY THE DOCTOR FOR YOU?  HE-------

 10.   "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

   9.   Directions to his office include, "take a left when you enter the
trailer park."

   8.   Exam room has a tip jar.

   7.   Has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet.

   6.   Wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

   5.   Instead of a surgical glove, they use pink dishwashing ones.

   4.   Insists on removing his clothes along with you

   3.   "Let me refer you to a specialist." (Turns around, puts on a false
         moustache.) "Hi! I'm the specialist! What seems to be the problem?"

   2.   Despite what he says, you don't remember hearing anything
         about the benefits of pre-moistened tongue depressors.

 and the Number One Sign You Need a New Doctor....

   1.   Has a Burger King badge poking out underneath his coat.

Painting the Toilet Seat A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the
toilet seat.  After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.  The wife comes
home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck
to her rear.  She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
 She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.  When they get to the
doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.  The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied.  "But never framed."

 A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.  The stewardess tells her
she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says
"I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers
seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.  The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in
her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess
asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.  The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of
the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the theater, he walked over and
whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat. "

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager," said the usher more loudly.  The man moaned
again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow,
called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe," he mumbled.

"And where are you from, Joe?"

"The balcony."
___________________________________________________________

         A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

        "This is the maid.", answered the woman.

         "We don't have a maid!"

          "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

          "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

           "Ummm .... She's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

           The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to  make $50,000?"

           "What do I have to do?"

            "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

           The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

           The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

           "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

           "What?! There's no pool here?"

           Long pause...

           Uh .... Is this 832-4821?"

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw."
(See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

..............................