COME LAUGH WITH ME....
 
 

 Dear Dad,
 $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't
think of anything I need,  $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
 love to hear from you.
 Love,
Your $on.

--------------------
 Dear Son,
  I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
  Love,
Dad
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<
The following is British Sunday Express' Gongs for dubious Distinctions

Rubber Cushion......To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup........Gold star: To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a
stolen stereo.  His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words
"Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very bright young man."

Silver star:.......To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated
about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star:.......To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup......To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes
while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved onto intercourse ... but
complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.

Flying Cross.....To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000
rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat.  Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from
finding his remains and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel....To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a New York
funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on.  Celebrations were short-lived,
due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock

Silver Bullet......To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making
her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United
flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an
angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I
HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to
try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out, if you
will just wait your turn in line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and
grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth
and swore, "F*** you."  With that the attendent (without batting an eye)
spoke into the microphone and told the passenger that he would have to "wait in line for thay also."
>> >>>0================================================0<<< <<

                THE OIL PAINTING
                          - Submitted by Rubin
              ------------------------------------
An elderly  woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the the artist....
....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
                  *******************
                 Interesting FACTS
* Coca-cola was originally green.
.
* Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
.
* Smartest dogs:  1) border collie;  2)poodle; 3)golden retriever;
.
* Dumbest dog: Afghan
.
* Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
.
* Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
.
* Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
.
* Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one
  olive from each salad served in first class:  $40,000
.
* City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita:  Hong Kong
.
* State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
.
* Chances of a white Christmas in New York:  1 in 4
                  *******************
                  Murphy's Law of the Day
"The sum of the intelligence of the planet is constant; the population is growing.
                  *******************
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits
next to an elderly woman.  She looks the man up and down and says,
I've got news for you.  "You're going straight to hell!"  The man jumps up
out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
                *******************
The following are actual statements made during court cases:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
========================================
>From a defendant representing himself ... Defendant: Did you get a good
look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You
are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while
I had the chance.
========================================
 Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
 Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
========================================
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth too.
========================================
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you
sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he
was a good plaintiff's doctor.
========================================
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
========================================
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one
fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit
back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.
=======================
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my
case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
========================================
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the ''Colonel'' stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the ''Honorable'' in front of
your name. Not a damn thing.
========================================
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
========================================
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I
address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five
days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
___________
Three women friends,  British, French and Russian, vowed to never
wash clothes or wash dishes for any future husband. After marriage,
they met to discuss their success.
The British wife said that she gave the ultimatum to her British
husband and he left home with hurt feelings for three days and returned
with a washer and dishwasher.
The French wife said that she gave the ultimatum to her French
husband and he left with anger for three days and returned with flowers,
a dishwasher and a washer.
The Russian wife said she gave the ultimatum to her Russian
husband and he left for three days during which she was able to see out
of at least one eye when he returned.
(It was a "hit" joke in Moscow's streets - you had to be there.)
__________________
London, 19th May:
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was
hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public
to be on the lookout for a gang of  hardened criminals.
_________________
In the French Countryside
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring
the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young
couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est
magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.  Suddenly
he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!  Ze woman -she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean,
the police chief.  He came, out of breath, to the police station and
shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in
farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not
so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?
Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's
story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a
young couple naked 'aving sex "
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science.  You must
remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!  Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!"
grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to
Gaston's field.  After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly
back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.  He got there,
went inside,  smiled patiently, and said,  "Ah, mes amis,
do not worry.  Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"
0=============0
..Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
       "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass
       of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender,
       "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
       ...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've
       lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says,
 ........ 'Yes, I'm positive...'
===============
    ***Marriage***
 I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? --Jerry Seinfeld
.
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.--George Burns
.
 I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word--if only she'd get to it.  ----Henny Youngman
.
 My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.----Woodey Allen
.
 Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.----Anonymous
.
 Why does a woman work for years to change man's habits,and then complain that he's
 not the man she married? --Barbara Streisand
.
 I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said,
 "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country!"----Yakov Smirnoff
.
 Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you
 can't remember what it is. ---Milton Berle
.
 I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!                ----Henny Youngman
.
 I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.  Then she told me the truth: that
she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. -----Rodney Dangerfield
******************************************************
 A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home.
Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.  She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.  Once at the dealer, she
found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must
replace it since she only had one radio station.   The salesman calmed her down and told her that
her car radio was the latest in digital technology and was voice-activated. She would only need to
state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.  She got into the car and
started the engine and then said the word  "country", and the radio changed to a station playing
a George Strait song.  She was satisfied and started home.  After a while she decided to try out
the radio and said "rock n roll" and the radio station changed to a song by the Rolling Stones.
Quite pleased with herself, the woman continued driving.   A few blocks from her house, another
driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily
exclaimed   "Asshole!"   .....the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.
**************************************************************************
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!!
  There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
  He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
  that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"  Many times while she was
  praying, he would go to her house and harass her saying, "Lady, why do
  you pray all the time?  Don't you know there is no God?"  But she kept on
praying.  One day, she ran out of groceries.  As usual, she was praying to
the  Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna
  do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself,  "Hmph...
I'll fix her."  He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries,
took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell
and then hid in the bushes to seewhat  she would do.
  When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise
  the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing, and shoutin' everywhere.
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought  those groceries"  Well,
she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising
the Lord.  When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was....
She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM"
**************************************************************************

TRUEISMS

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You have the right to remainsilent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
II feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 Atheism is anon-prophet organization.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever, so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you haveto buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of .
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that  you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat the petty things....and don't pet the sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
f you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a greattrade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot and 38.2 percent of those are inaccurate.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you..

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've  stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried
every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

 The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you  use?"

 The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They
have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist  and they're sort of bald on top with a funny
ring of hair on their heads."

 "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"


                 ----- CarpeDiem: The Beauty of Love
 The question is asked, "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and a girl 
clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage?
Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"

And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is
the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their
journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped;
their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically
bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one
another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love.It is Old love."


 
Speaking of love -- that wondrous emotion -- here are what  people have said about LOVE.
 
[1] man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another;
[2] a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses;
[3] what Plato described as "a grave mental disease";
[4] something they say is blind it's marriage which is the real eye opener;
[5] that emotion which is not true until returned;
[6] that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock 
[7] is like measles much worse when it comes late in life;
[8] the most slippery word in the human language used byknaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, 
and by most men to placate the female of the species;
[9] the only fire for which there is no insurance;
[10] an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow;
[11] the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625};
[12] the only game that two can play and both win;
[13] the last and most serious of the childhood diseases;
[14] what makes marriage possible habit makes it last;
[15] is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise;
[16] a disease like measles, we all have to go through it;
[17] a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences 
under which he or she incurred the disorder;
[18] the only game that is never called on account of darkness;
[19] the tie that blinds;
[20] consists of happiness, given back and forth;
[21] the only thing that has changed over the millions of years ofplaying this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds;
[22] that which makes the world revolve;
[23] is really just being stupid together;
[24] a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of  yourself;
[25] The anticipation always exceeds the realization.
[26] is a fan club with only two members; 
[27] the only virtuethat can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished;
[28] the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
[29] the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.
[30] a strange feeling that comes over a man when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name.
[31] is like war simple to begin but the devil to stop.
[32] is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties.
[33] something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods.
[34] a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged,
and the mutual dependence of the old;
[35] a situation when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons.
[36] something which combines the two greatest powers on earth war and peace;
[37] the balm that heals the wounds that words make.
[38] what we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries;

                 Thoughts To Live By: Love

                 Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford,
as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as
Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you
realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy
Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry
Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway.



 
 
 
 
 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM SAN FRANCISCO WHEN....
 
* Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
* When someone says TENDERLOIN * you don't think of steak. You think of danger.
* You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
* You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
* You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
* You can't remember ... is Pot illegal?
* You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
* A really great parking space can move you to tears.
* You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
* You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.
* Your boss runs in 'The Bay to Breakers'... it's the first time you have seen him/her nude.
* A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
* A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.
* You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the Midwest.
* You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
* You keep a list of companies to boycott.
* Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named 'Breeze.' And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
* You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
* You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.
* You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

 
 
SUBJECT: GOT A DRINKING PROBLEM ?
 
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not!
* Two hands and just one mouth... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
* When you can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Every woman you see has an exact twin
* You fall off the floor...
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* The glass keeps missing your mouth!
* Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
* Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
* At AA meeting you begin: 'Hi, my name is... uh...'
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
* I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
* Roseanne looks good.
* Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
* That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
* Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
* You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
* I'm as jober as a sudge.
* You've fallen and you can't get up.
* BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
* The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
* Your name is Ted Kennedy.
* Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
* When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle-please pass the ice pack...
* You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
* You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

IS HE REALLY THE DOCTOR FOR YOU?  HE-------

 10.   "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

   9.   Directions to his office include, "take a left when you enter the
trailer park."

   8.   Exam room has a tip jar.

   7.   Has to drive a cab nights and weekends to make ends meet.

   6.   Wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

   5.   Instead of a surgical glove, they use pink dishwashing ones.

   4.   Insists on removing his clothes along with you

   3.   "Let me refer you to a specialist." (Turns around, puts on a false
         moustache.) "Hi! I'm the specialist! What seems to be the problem?"

   2.   Despite what he says, you don't remember hearing anything
         about the benefits of pre-moistened tongue depressors.

 and the Number One Sign You Need a New Doctor....

   1.   Has a Burger King badge poking out underneath his coat.



 
 
 

NON MORNING PEOPLE
 

 I woke early one morning,
 The earth lay cool and still
 When suddenly a tiny bird
 Perched on my window sill
 He sang a song so lovely
 So carefree and so gay,
 That slowly all my troubles
 Began to slip away.
 He sang of far off places
 Of laughter and of fun
 It seemed his very trilling,
 brought up the morning sun
 I stirred beneath the covers
 Crept slowly out of bed
 And gently lowered the window
 And crushed his freaking head.

Painting the Toilet Seat A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the
toilet seat.  After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.  The wife comes
home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck
to her rear.  She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
 She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.  When they get to the
doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.  The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied.  "But never framed."


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.  A
few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about.  "What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!!

 A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.  The stewardess tells her
she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says
"I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I have a good job. I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
 The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers
seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot.  The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in
her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess
asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.  The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of
the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".



 
 
 
 

 Organizational thought for the day!

 An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different levels, and some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. 
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


 
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
 
 I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight 
and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, 
but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look like the stupid one,  I calmly 
explained,  "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa Her response ...  click.
 A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in  the middle of the state. He  replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the  map and Florida is
a  very thin state."
   I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map
 Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 
"I  heard Dallas was a big airport, and   I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
  A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible  that her flight from Detroit left at 8:am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she
could  not  understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane  went very fast, and she bought that!
 A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical  description on  your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,"No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with 
the airline, they put a tag  on  my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any   connection?"
  After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was  actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for  Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
   I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he  replied, I  was told my flight number is 823, but none of these  darn planes
 have numbers on them."
 A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if 
she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
 A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed  in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.   "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had  to have one of those."  I double checked and sure enough, his 
stay  required a visa. When I  told  him this he said, "Look,I've been to China four times and every time they have  accepted my American Express."
 A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, 
what flights do  you have?" replied the customer.  After some searching, the agent came back with, 
"I'm sorry, ma'am,  I've looked up every airport code in  the country and can't find a  Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"
 The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, 
do you?"  "That's it! I knew it was a big animal.

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the theater, he walked over and
whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat. "

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager," said the usher more loudly.  The man moaned
again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow,
called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe," he mumbled.

"And where are you from, Joe?"

"The balcony."
___________________________________________________________


"A Lesson in High Finance"

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  He says he is going
to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow  $5,000.  The bank officer says the bank will
need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car
as collateral  for the loan.  An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks
it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very, nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The businessman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

         A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

        "This is the maid.", answered the woman.

         "We don't have a maid!"

          "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

          "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

           "Ummm .... She's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

           The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to  make $50,000?"

           "What do I have to do?"

            "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

           The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

           The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

           "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

           "What?! There's no pool here?"

           Long pause...

           Uh .... Is this 832-4821?"


A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he
 was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by
 his bedside every single day.  When he came to, he motioned for her to
 come nearer.

 As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?  You have been with me all
 through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there to support me.
 When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my
 side.  When we lost the house, you gave me support.  When my health
 started failing, you were still by my side.

 You know what?"

 "What dear?"  She asks gently.

 "I think you bring me bad luck."


 
JET FUEL

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"  Jim says, "Me too.
Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?"  So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane
hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!  Then the
phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

Joke of the Day

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw."
(See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer


Subject:  Useful work phrases
 
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

 
 

..............................