Comedian 14

WARNING!   WARNING!   WARNING
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
 DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
 The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.  It tends to show up outside the city gates and
appears to be abandoned.  DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan
programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill
your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city
unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

=======
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.  At the first stop, he is shown the machine
that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being
injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss.
Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's
that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a
hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle
nipple business!"

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.  The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if
I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask
the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
==============

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" ~ she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
==============

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly
complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold.  The accommodations
are awful.  The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days
if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able
to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess
we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
=======

FOR SAFETY'S SAKE ...
Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.
Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happe to pedestrians.
Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.
Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too.  The percentage there is even
less.  Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
==================

The Problem with Florida
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his
message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the
winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them...
And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
======

QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
"It's not all Clinton's fault. The Kennedys' set bad examples."

========
The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying.  "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison
for 20  years?" he said.  "Yes" she responded, "so what?"  "I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed.

======
A woman was charged with a traffic violation and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench.  "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appearbefore this court,"
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

=========
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.
When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

======
Jay Montfort put a fence around his stone company's property to keep out the rattlesnakes. But Timber rattlesnakes
are a threatened species in New York, and the state claims the fence violates New York's Endangered Species Act.
Lawyers for the state are asking that the 4-foot wire-mesh fence be torn down before the snakes stir from hibernation...
... Leave it to lawyers to protect their own...
=======

     If everything is going well,... you don't know what the hell is going on!
=======

A street person approached a passerby. "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?""That's ridiculous!"
the man said huffily. "Just a yes or no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a damn lecture about how
to run my business."
~~~~~~~~

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They've got two daughters, with a son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter
(age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"
"Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over." "We can go now, Mommy.  I'm half-Jewish!"

~~~~~~~~
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.  When the children returned to school a few days later,
one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied.  "I just prayed for more snow."

<>*<>
On Ash Wednesday, congregants at Kilbourne (Ohio) United Methodist Church were coming
forward for the imposition of ashes on their foreheads.  Two-year-old Brenna Wagoner, upset that her mother
was not taking her to the altar, was overheard exclaiming:  "But I want to get a tattoo just like Daddy's!"

~~~~~~~~
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morningworship hour. The parents did their best
to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and
walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the
little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

~~~~~~~~
A  four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was
horrified.  She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly "I asked God to teach me to whistle... And He just then did!"

~~~~~~~~
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope
to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

~~~~~~~~
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded,
his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought
I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

~~~~~~~~
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my
doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

~~~~~~~~
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable.
What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

~~~~~~~~
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like
to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the
mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

~~~~~~~~
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had
thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He
will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't
worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!

~~~~~~~~
In the city of Chicago, one cold, dark night, a blizzard was setting in. A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner,
the people were in and out of the cold. The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell many papers. He walked
up to a policeman and said, "Mister, you wouldn't happen to know where a poor boy could find a warm place to sleep
tonight would you? You see, I sleep in a box up around thecorner there and down the alley and it's awful cold in there,
of a night. Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay."
The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, "You go down the street to that big white house and you knock
on the door. When they come out the door you just say John 3:16 and they will let you in."
So he did, he walked up the steps to the door, and knocked on the door and a lady answered. He looked up and said,
"John 3:16." The lady said "Come on in, Son." She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom rocker in front
of a great big old fireplace and she went off. He sat there for a while, and thought to himself "John 3:16....I don't
understand it, but it sure makes a cold boy warm." Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?"
He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of days and I guess I could stand a little bit of food."
The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table full of wonderful food. Heate and ate until he couldn't
eat any more. Then he thought to himself "John 3:16...Boy, I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a hungry
boy full." She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub filled with warm water and he sat there and soaked
for a while.  As he soaked, he thought to himself, "John 3:16... I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty
boy clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in
front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.  The lady came in and got him, and took him to a room and tucked
him into a big old feather bed and pulled the covers up around his neck and kissed him goodnight and turned out the lights.
As he laid in the darkness and looked out the window at the snow coming down on that cold night he thought to himself,
"John 3:16... I don't understand it, but it sure makes a tired boy rested."
The next morning she came back up and took him down again to that same big table full of food.  After he ate she took
him back to that same big old split bottom rocker in front of the fireplace and she took a big old Bible and sat down in
front of him and she looked up at and she asked, "Do you understand John 3:16?"
He said, "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it was last night when the policeman told me to use it."
She opened the Bible to John 3:16 , and she began to explain to him about Jesus.  Right there in front of that big
old fireplace he gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there and thought, "John 3:16. I don't understand it, but it sure
makes a lost boy feel safe."
You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either, how God would be willing to send His Son to die for me, and
how Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don't understand it either, but it sure does make life worth living.

================
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very
soon turns to the erotic.  Then, the young girl proposes, 'If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.' The
men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.  And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her
legs.  Then she says, 'If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,' and men being what they
are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.  Conversation continues,
and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.  Then the young girl says, 'If you will give me $100, I will show
you where I was operated on for appendicitis.'  All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and
points outside at a building they're passing. 'See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!'

_________
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going
to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.  You have a broken reflector on your buggy.  Oh, I'll let my husband,
Jacob, know as soon as I get home.  That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across
the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband
take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken.  I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not
sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
_________
A Fat Fly There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact
that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.  Finally, he decided he
had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked
around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle
and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped
like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.  The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit!
___________
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there
are so many different boxes of condoms.  The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high
school.  You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.  The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for?
The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for
Sunday morning.  The father replies, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one
for March.

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?   Girl: No
Doctor: Can you read the center line?   Girl: No
Doctor: Can you read the large top line?   Girl: No
Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?   Girl: No
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.  Doctor: Can you see this  Girl: Of course
Doctor: Well, there's your problem... you're cockeyed!

Three couples decide to go on a weekend camping trip. After reaching their
destination, they discover that they only brought two tents.

Finally it is decided that the women will share one tent and the men will share the other.
In the middle of the night one of the men starts rustling around and awakens a second man.

The first man explains that he has to get to his wife immediately. The second man asks what
is so important that it can't wait until morning. The first man says that he just woke up to
find that he has the biggest erection of his life and he wishes to go and satisfy his wife.

The second man then asks, 'Do you want me to go with you?' The first man
responds indignantly, 'Why do I need you to go with me to satisfy my wife?'
The second man replies, 'Because that's my dick you've got a hold of.'

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God
invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
_____
There are three ways to get things done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
________
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
________
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
_________
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
__________
As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers’ lane, she sighed romantically: "It’s lovely out here tonight.  Just
listen to the crickets." "Those aren’t crickets," her date replied. "They’re zippers."

*************
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.  He asks a priest for
his opinion on this question.  The priest says after consulting the Bible, 'My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive
sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.' The man thinks: 'What does a priest know of sex?'  He goes to the minister
...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..  Sex is work and not
for the Sabbath.  Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimat authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and
knowledge...  A Rabbi.  The Rabbi ponders the question and states, 'My son, sex is definitely play.' The man replies,
'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!'  The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work...
 my wife would have the maid do it.'

=============
"The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found that they could buy
a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.  Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.  They decided
to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.  Then they would never have to worry about the milk
supply again.  They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.  However, whenever the bull came close
to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and
he could not succeed in his quest.  The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
 They told the rabbi what was happening;  "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from
the back, she moves forward.  When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  An approach from the side and she
just walks away to the other side. The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,  "Did you buy this cow from
Minsk?"  The people were dumbfounded.  They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly
a wise rabbi.  How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

<>*<>
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into
the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.
It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.  St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

~~~~~~
There were two guys working for the city.  One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him
and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously.  One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.  A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.  Finally he had toask them.  He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing?
You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny,
but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

FROM A DAUGHTER!

 A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered
to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became impatient.
 "Sir, if you don't get up from  there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated
the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and
the manager returned and stood over the man.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.  The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
 "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

 ------------
Two guys are walking past an insane asylum. They can hear people on the other side of the wall yelling  "13....13.....!!!"
  One of them noticed a small hole in the wall, and being curious decided to have a look. He put his eye up to the hole
  and immediately got it poked from the other side! All of sudden they hear from the other side....."14.....14....!!!!!!!!!!"

------------

  A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had some
down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive
to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven,
she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the
clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which
he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the
prescription, "and start him on this right away." By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for
the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the
oven.  At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . Which was
locked.  Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.  She ran back into the mall,
found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!"
     The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in
with that." The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be
easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore.
  After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers.
Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted.  She
stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and
he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do
with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW,
Lord. Amen," She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
  A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the
long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near
she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a
locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's
  the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into
her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was
open. When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a
good boy. You must be a Christian," He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy.
I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely.
  "Bless God! she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
+++++++++++++++++++++

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-15. Please be careful."
  "Hell," said Herman,  "It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++++

 Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.  He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he
froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar
crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.  The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.  In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same
idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
+++++++++++++++++++++

 An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.  The pharmacist said,
"That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4
pieces." The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need
them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old.   I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
+++++++++++++++++++++

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon,
I want you all to read Mark 17."  The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister  asked
for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.  Nearly every hand went up.  The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
+++++++++++++++++++++

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write
God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to
send the letter to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy
a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 and sat down to write a Thankyou note to God, which read:  Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
through Washington, DC and as usual those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.
+++++++++++++++++++++

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...
  Demon:  Why so glum? Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell!  Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of
fun down here...are you drinking man? Guy:  Sure, I love to drink.  Demon:  Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.
 On Mondays that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... Guy:  Gee that
sounds great.  Demon:  You a smoker?  Guy:  You better believe it!  Demon:  All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie-you're already
dead, remember?  Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!  Demon:  I bet you like to gamble. Guy:  Why yes, as a matter of
fact I do.  Demon:  Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots,
whatever...If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.  Demon:  You into drugs?  Guy:  Are you kidding? Love
drugs!  You don't mean... Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or
smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.  You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead who cares!   O.D.!!
  Guy:  WOW !!  I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!  Demon:   You gay?  Guy:  Er...No....
  Demon:  "Ooooh," (grimaces) "You're gonna hate Fridays.
========

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is
frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
  ========

  A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried
away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time
in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he
saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit
from the laboratory and I've just escaped.  Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?"
he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and
eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
 as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys
do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try.
You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back
over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought
 you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." :>)
========

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a  blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon
surveying the situation, he says  quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm doomed." There is a ray of light from the sky
above and a voice booms out: "No my son, you  are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the
head of the  chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly
bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded  by
100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed."
=======

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've
  baked them, I've roasted them, I've  stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just
  cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"  The other
replied,"You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks
  with a rope around the waist  and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!"
the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"
   =======

Amanpreet was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Ray listened patiently.  "That's amazing.  Where I come from there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one?  And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims, "Number 80!!!"
=======

Letters to Dear Abby (not printed in newspaper)

DEAR ABBY:  A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  These two women go everywhere together and
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.  I have never seen a man go
into their apartment or come out.   Do you think they could be Lebanese?  -- Curious.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I have a man I never could trust.  Why, he cheats so much.  I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive
and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he
denied everything and said it would never happen again.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn
against his own?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now, how do I get out?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years.
 He must be crazy.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?  I tried for years to get pregnant and
couldn't and he finally did it.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think she is going through mental pause.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He's the chief petting officer.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  This is the second marriage for both of us.  And when my husband said "I Will" he knew very well he couldn't.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with a man for six years.  We see each other every night.  He says he loves me,and
I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage.  Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get? -- Gertie
Dear Gertie:  I don't know.  What's he getting?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  My husband hates to spend money!  I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for
every nickel I spend.  Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow.  How do I get some
money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment?  He says he's saving for a rainy day. --
FORTY-YEARS HITCHED
DEAR Hitched:  Tell him it's raining!
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday.  What do you
think he'd like -- Carol

DEAR Carol:  Never mind what he'd like.  Give him a tie.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Are birth control pills deductible?  -- KAY

DEAR Kay:  Only if they don't work.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Our son was married in January.  Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl.  They said the baby
was premature.  Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?  -- Wondering
DEAR Wondering:  The baby was on time, the wedding was late.  Forget it!
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Do you think about dying much?  -- Curious
DEAR Curious:  No, it's the last thing I want to do.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?  -- Jake
DEAR Jake:  Yes, and also hazardous.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women.  Any suggestions?
DEAR:  Don't worry.  My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions? -- SAM IN CAL   DEAR Sam:  Yes, Run for public office.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  What inspires you most to write? -- TED DEAR Ted:  The Bureau of Internal Revenue.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY:  When you are being introduced, is it all right to say,  "I've heard a lot about you?"  -- Rita
DEAR Rita:  It depends on what you've heard.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY:  What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? --BESS
DEAR BESS:  Night and Day.
* * * * *
DEAR ABBY:  I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.  -- ROSE
DEAR Rose:  So would I.
=====

      One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.  Silently she watched him. As he stood
looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement,
enchantment, skepticism.  Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,  with eyes glistening she
slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied.
"I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
====

     This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took
advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
   This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad.
======
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my ol'lady fell  off.
======

  A woman decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She said she had two final requests. First, she wanted
to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the
husband. "Then I'll be sure our kids visit me at least twice a week."
=======

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence
laws.  At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before
he found his.  Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.  By this time everyone
had left the bar and drove off.  Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting
for him.  He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.  The results showed a reading of
0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"
==========

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't
bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.  "By the time I was 50,
I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand." "So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
=======

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized
that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course
the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.  Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and
embarrassed.  "I can't find it", he admitted.  The teacher sat Billy down and drew him little diagram to where he should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.  Well,
five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it." Frustrated, the teacher asked
Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So Tommy and Billy go together and
five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his underpants on backwards."

   The Great Memory Debate
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade
class."The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

=======
A man walks into a bar with a small box under his arm sits down and orders a drink.  The bartender cannot help but hear
music coming from the box.  He asked the man "what's in the box"? The man says a small male pianist with a piano.  The
bartender asked to see.  He opens the box and there is a little man playing a little piano.  "WOW" say's the bartender
how did you get that?  The man say's he was walking on the beach one day and  found a magic lamp and made a wish
and there it was.  WOW, do you still have the lamp? asked the bartender.  Sure do, you want to try it asked the man.
So, the man gave the bartender the lamp and the bartender rubbed it and wished for a million bucks. BANG!! a big
cloud of smoke and the was a million ducks, Ducks everywhere. Gee, said the bartender I wished for bucks not ducks
I think the lamp must have trouble hearing.  No Kidding, said the man do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist!!!

=====
 St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.  Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral
grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best
coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

======
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery
back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear,"
replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an
honest man.'"

======
   Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.  "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?"
Johnny asked. "Nope."  "You didn't steal it did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the
other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me." Johnny was extremely impressed with
this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.  That night he waited outside
his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of lovemaking. Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly
strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; What do you want now?"  I wanna watch," Johnny
replied. "Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father returning to the job in hand.

=======
One day while jogging a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by theside of the walk.  Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to
change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. "What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,' the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis
*elbow* and the pain was unbearable!"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.   He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.  As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.  The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young man decided to ask if
they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no.  We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked
the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet.  It's his turn with the teeth.

=========
From a recent meeting:
*'We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.'
*Quote from the Boss... 'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.'
*A motivational sign at work: 'The beatings will continue until morale improves.'
*A direct quote from the Boss: 'We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.'
* My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
* My Boss said to me, 'What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
* Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
*My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
*I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself.
*My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.
*He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all
without the benefit of a SPINE.
*Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: 'I'm sorry if I ever gave
you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!'
*HR Manager to job candidate: 'I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management,
it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.'
*Quote from telephone inquiry: 'We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing
candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
____________
FATHER:  "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this check and tell her that since you are now 18, this
is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support.  Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
DAUGHTER:  "O.K."
Later.......
DAUGHTER:  "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this check. He said tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you.  Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
MOTHER:  "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your
father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."

~~***~~
Our Legal Correspondent has passed along the following tidbits of
information.  You may make your own assumptions about the commentary.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
: My girlfriend says this is because men will pick up and eat things from
: a dark tabletop, counter, floor, etc.  According to her, the true average
: is more 15 for men and 1 for women.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
: The French immediately hired Zanzibar's generals as trainers.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
: See? If they keep missing the foreplay, it's their own damn fault.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.
: I want to see how they keep reproducing while they're walking in this
: big line.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
: Is anyone really surprised by this?

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
: According to my girlfriend, I'm about halfway there.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
: Linda Tripp's husbands might beg to differ.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
: That's why, during the French Revolution, lawyers were always shot instead
: of being guillotined.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
: It's different with humans.  In humans, the female rips off the male's
: head for even suggesting sex.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
: That's why they call them "prides."

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
: And pygmies are really grateful.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
: So's Bill Clinton's.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
: I left this one for you.  Insert your own comment here.
[Obviously the comment should be: What's time to a pig?  -psl]

====
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking
sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful and very naked woman.  "That's unfair!" he
cried. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

======
U.S. TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND
AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF N. IRELAND
The White House--President Clinton announced today an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its break-away province of Northern Ireland. "Using the fine logic we
crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we  have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the
world," he said in a prepared statement.  A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton
administration would intervene in the following areas:
Week one -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland
Week two -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds.
Week three -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
Week four -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem
Week five -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country.
Week six -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the QuObOcois.
Week seven -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
Week eight -- Bombing of New Delhi to free the Tamil peoples of Sri Lanka
Week nine -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica
Week ten -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate
of Southern States, held captive for 139 years.

"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said
Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.

She did not respond when asked when the bombing of Beijing in
order to free Tibet would occur.

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