JOKE 13

"All animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it."
                        - Samuel Butler


 
JOKES ONLINE 

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches
long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says
there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.  The
witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and
talk to a frog that lives there.  "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5
inches shorter,"  Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke
would. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls
to the frog.  The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, sure enough,
he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the
frog.  The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's
still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
  Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No.No.NO
=========================================================

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.  One day they
decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.  Johnny
bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want  to ask you for her hand
in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10.
 Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's
room.  It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay than how will you live?  Your not old enough to get a job.  You'll need
to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.  Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I
make 10 bucks a week.That's about 60 bucks a month.  That should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith
is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.  So, he thinks for a moment trying to
come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.  After a second, Mr. Smith  says, "Well
Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you.
 What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."



 

MIDDLE  AGE
 
 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.Isn't that the damnedest time
for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing except in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
 You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parkin lot.
 You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
 You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night
before.

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a  severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from
bad to worse when one wing  is  struck by lightning.  One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands
up in the front of  the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she  yells, Well,   if  I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!.  I've  had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it!  Is there ANYONE on this plane who can  make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,  and  they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of  the  plane.  Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can  make you
feel  like  a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing  black  hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.  No one moves.  The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the  stranger approaches.   He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as
he  reaches  her,   and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling
woman, and  whispers:   "Iron this."


The US Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
 
 1.      The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2.      The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity
 3.      The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station.  People were all crowding around trying to get him
out before the train ran him over.  They were all shouting.  "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach
up.  Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.  "Friend," he asked, "what is
your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my
hand!" The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the
amazedby-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"


There are eleven beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the two German men
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cookingfor them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless
ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother
is improving.  But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the men on the other islands, after calling them "bloody wankers".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South to make them feel more at home
and by setting up a distillery.  They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at
least "those English bastards" are not getting any.

"All animals except man know that the principal business of life is
                              to enjoy it."- - - Samuel Butler

The Irish Golfer

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the
golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun.  I will grant
you three wishes."  The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and walks away.  Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough
guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that  I would
want  I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the
same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great
I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says,  "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand
in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The
golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun
is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

---------- CarpeDiem: What Is It To Be Irish?

What is it to be Irish?

On 364 days of the year being Irish isn't visibly different from being Scotch, French, Italian,
Jewish, Serbian, Dutch, or - yes - even English.  The Irishman pays his bills, complains against
his taxes, does his work, and listens to his wife like the man of any other race.
But on this one day of the year - holy St. Patrick's Day - the Irishman becomes an Irishman.
And on this day you have to be Irish to know what it is to be Irish. The outer signs, of course,
can be seen by all. The Irishman overnight grows a foot taller and stalks the earth a giant.
All traffic lights turn green before him, and if they don't, he sees red.
But this air of majesty is only token evidence of interior change. The men of other races who
envy the Irishman his bearing of St. Patrick's Day would envy him far more if they could look
inside the Irishman's soul. What is it to be Irish?
How can you put the wonder of it into words? If a psychiatrist stretched himself out on his
own warm couch after his last customer had gone home, and he dreamed of the man he himself
would most like to be - well, he might be perfect, but he'd still be only half an Irishman on St
Patrick's Day.

What is it to be Irish?
Oh, on this day it is music. Not just the cornet in the parading high school band, but the deep,
deep music of living, the low sad rhythms of eternity.

What is it to be Irish?
It is to live the whole history of his race between a dawn and a dawn - the long wrongs, the bird
swift joys, the endless hurt of his ancestors since the morning of time in a forgotten forest, the
knock at his heart that is part of his religion.

What is it to be Irish?
It isn't only the realization that he is descended from kings. It is the realization that he is a
king himself, an empire on two feet striding in power, a strolling continent of awe.

What is it to be Irish?
Why on St. Patrick's Day, to be Irish is to know more glory, adventure, magic, victory, exultation,
gratitude and gladness than any ordinary man can experience in a lifetime.

What is it to be Irish?
It is to walk in complete mystic understanding with God for 24 wonderful hours.
 
 

---------- Thoughts To Live By: Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand
 

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to
know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of
intercourse.  When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of sex."

=======
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He
arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around.  What's more, he only speaks a
few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

========
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the
forecourt below.  The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner
that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."  The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little
plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.   So the Pope is standing there
going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."  So he thinks to himself
for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd
go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."  So the Pope headbutts her.


SUBJECT: WHEN AGE HAPPENS
 
* I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)
* Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
* Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
* You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
* You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
* You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
* Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
 * You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
* The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

GETTING OLDER
_____________________________________________________________________
As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we
feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.
_____________________________________________________________________
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
_____________________________________________________________________
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get
you home earlier.
_____________________________________________________________________
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you
care to exercise.
_____________________________________________________________________
DOCTOR TO PATIENT:
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
_____________________________________________________________________
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library
card has expired. (M. Berle)
_____________________________________________________________________
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
(Robert Benchley)
_____________________________________________________________________
I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
(Gypsy Rose Lee)
_____________________________________________________________________
You are getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't
have to go along.
_____________________________________________________________________
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't
do anything the night before.
____________________________________________________________________

FAIR GAME
 Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.  Stevie mentions that they ought to get together
and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack.  Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
"But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of
his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves
to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
 "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down behind
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap? "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is
incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't
take me seriously so I only play for  money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you  like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
-------------------

There was a young girl who begat
three brats, by name Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no
Tit for Tat.


MEN
"I like an 'outdoorsy' girl" means that he's really one of those crotch-scratching overall-wearing, tobacco-juice-spitting no-neck types called "Bubba" who would throw you into a four-wheeler and take you jolting
up and down over ruts to a place in the woods where there are no roads, let alone bathrooms, and molest you without a chance of someone hearing you scream. If you can't take him out with one blow, don't go.
If he obviously cares more about his car than he does about you, get out.
If the first thing he wants in the morning is not a cup of coffee but a shot of whiskey, get out while you can.
If he ever says, "I ain't never met a girl who didn't like…," get out as fast as you can.
If he gets you nothing for your birthday, Christmas, etc., get him the same thing.
If he says, "I'm going…" instead of, "Let's go…," get out.
If he can't ever give you a straight answer, even to a "yes" or "no" question, get out fast.
If he says, "I'm tired tonight. I think I'll go right to sleep," for five days in a row, but he wants to wake you and get romantic on the sixth day, tell him to go to Hell before you get out.
If you can tell when he's awake because the snoring in the bedroom stops, and the bathroom noises start, don't expect it to get any better.
Realize early on that there are many things about which he won't have a clue. This will help you to avoid situations like, "I was going to buy you a ring, Honey. What size do you wear?" It is best not to be cute and reply,
"Same size as my panties." He has NO idea what that is.
Older family members and friends will try to warn you about boys and that "I love you" crap. Believe them. Sometimes a boy will be creative and phrase it as, "I need you." Translated, they both mean, "Take off your panties."
Almost anything he says early in the relationship means, "Take off your panties."
If he says, "I love you," early in the relationship, he's just making noises to SOUND like a caring partner
When his idea of foreplay is, "Move over," or "Turn over," it's too late for him.
Much later, after you have already started packing up the household goods, and perhaps you have thrown his clothes out into the yard, THEN he will say, "I love you," but he still won't mean it. Occasionally, he will get a clue
from the sight of the smoke billowing from his burning clothes.
Never allow him to handle the budget. It is far too complicated for the male mind.
Behaving like an ass, being stupid, or just generally acting idiotic, or being annoying is gender-related. They can't help it, but they can be helped…to find the door.
Almost anything you do with an "I'll show him!" attitude will backfire on you. That's primarily true because women learn from their mistakes; men don't.
OK-in case you get the wrong impression, Mary does not hate men! We all get our turn in the barrel.

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington.
He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside.
"Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful
wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other
women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she
came home and very proudly announced,
"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another
private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry
about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has  done
so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad
tells me the guy is my half-brother."  Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what
he says dear.  He's not really your father."

 2-LINERS

QUESTIONS
ANSWERS
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
 God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
 Why is divorce so expensive?
 Because it's worth it.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
 She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
       Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
 A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
 What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
 A pool table.
What is a zebra?
25 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him
Where do you get virgin wool from?
 Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers. 

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as
a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain Cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the  weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  And that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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- Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the
garage.

- Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and hot dog buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" from latin
meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
***************************************************************************

At Duke University there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs etc. that each had an "A" so far for the
semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to drive
up tothe University of Virginia and party with some friends up there.  They had a great time however
after all the hardy-partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to
him why they missed it.  They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the >plan
to come back in time to study but unfortunately they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a
spare and couldn't get help for a long time.  As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.  They studied that night and went in the next day at the time
the professor had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin.

 They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room "this is going to be easy".
 Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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 STORY OF THE DAY
  "Genie in the Lamp"

  A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

  The Genie said  "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but
    this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes,
So you can forget about three.  You only get one wish."

  The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go
to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick.
So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?"

   The gene laughed a replied, "That's impossible.  Think of the logistics of that.
   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
    Think of how much concrete....How much steel !!!!  No think of anotherwish."

   The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish.  He said,
    "I've been married and divorced four times.  My wives have always said I
    don't care and that I'm insensitive.  I wish that I could understand women.
To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
To know why they are crying, To know what they want when they say "nothing."..."
   The gene replies "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
 and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something
 fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
 It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

 "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

 With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think
 it's Adam's suit!"

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats
turkey and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns
to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when  we put up a nice tree, exchange
presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the  pearly gates in disgust and tells
her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then
peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes,  "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by
one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a
crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried
 in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St Peter smiled broadly with delight.
The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and,
if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."


Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
 
Pat Buchanan:  To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order
to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible:  And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road."
And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing
Colonel Sanders:  I missed one?
L.A. Police Department:  Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:  The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.   I don't
know any chickens.  I have never known any chickens
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken  crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Bill Clinton: Please define "cross."
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.   Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx:  It was an historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder:  You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies
whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying
sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,  and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
 The bus driver,caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

     A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.
Finding the politicians he buries them.

    The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?"
asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

    The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.

***************************************************************************
An old man who'd lived all his life back up in the hills came to visit a childhood friend.  Now he'd never laid
eyes on a train or the iron rails on which they run. Standing in the middle of the tracks one day, he heard
a distant whistle... WOOOO--ooo---OOOOO! but didn't have a clue as to what it meant or his impending
danger.  Predictably, the old boy is hit -- fortunately it's just a side swipe, and he's thrown, head over heels
off the tracks, get's off with minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.  After weeks in
the hospital recovering, he's at a friend's place for dinner one evening.  Standing in the kitchen, he hears the
rising whistle of the family tea kettle wooOOO....Springing into action, he grabs a rolling pin and mercilessly
bashes and smashes the once merry kettle into a useless, shapeless hunk of copper.  His friend, hearing the
fuss, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks his friend, "Why'd you wreck our lovely tea
kettle?"  The mountain man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things whenthey're small."

***************************************************************************
 President Clinton died and went to heaven.......or to be more accurate, he
 approached the Pearly Gates.  After knocking on the Gate, St. Peter appeared.
 "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
 "Its me, Bill Clinton"
 "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
 "Let me in!" replied Clinton
 "So," pondered St. Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth"?

 Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you really shouldn't hold that against
me because I didn't inhale.  I guess I had extramarital sex...but you shouldn't hold that against me because
I didn't really have 'sexual relations.'  And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
  After several minutes of deliberations St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the
 deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it.
'Hell.'  You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.'  And don't
abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

 SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY

 Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

 Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

 Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

 An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which
the Ten Commandments are inscribed & a headline that reads, "For fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

 When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open
Sundays"  The church reciprocated  with its ownmessage: "We are open on Sundays, too."

 Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one!

 A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church.  When a big snowstorm
postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

 People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

 God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.  (My favorite)

 Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

 When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out allright.

  Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

 Fight truth decay--study the Bible daily.

 How will you spend eternity--Smoking or Non-smoking?

 Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives

 Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

 It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.

 Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

 If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

 If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.

 Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal  fire insurance soon.

 This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"   --------- (U R)

 Forbidden fruit creates many jams

 In the dark? Follow the Son.

 Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

 If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

 Early into their school year,the former kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

          The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teache insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use
big people words" she'd always remind them.

           She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "  I went to visit my Nana," she relpied.

           "No," said the teacher, "you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  Use big people words.

           She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he  said.

            "No," the teacher corrected, "you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.

           She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book"
            he replied.

            "That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

            Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said "Winnie The Shit."


 

 An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

 She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond
 necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

 The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things."

 "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband, I'm sure my husband

 will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

  One said,   "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator
and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

  The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the
stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

  The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; Knock on
 wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them...
  "That must be the door, I'll get it!


 This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:
 
 * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
 * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
 * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
 * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.  She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
 * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
 * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
 * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration
   of some older ones.
 * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
 * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After
the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
  * Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
 * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 
"Kitchen Philosophy"
 
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

 A true story of Boating at its best
 Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an
 hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem.
 No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft
 Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very
 sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
 After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
 marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside
 check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine,
the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
 So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath
 the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Comprehending Engineers

  Two engineering students were  walking across campus when one said, "Where  did you get such a great
bike?" The second engineer  replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business  when
a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
*****************************

 An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the
wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he  enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.  The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and
a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
plant and get some work done."
*******************************

   Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

   What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
   Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*****************************

   Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

 The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
 The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
 The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
 The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 ***************************

  To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
 half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*******************************

 Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers one of the engineers.  They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats
 but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the
train has departed, the  conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom
door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.  The lawyers saw this and agreed it was
quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the  engineers on the
return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
 for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.  "How are you
going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.  "Watch and you'll see," says one of
the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
 three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of
the engineers leaves his restroom  and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
  *******************************

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Patrol Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the
car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and
three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...  Is everyone in this
car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 119."
*******************************

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if
 they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
 world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
 one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in
 the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
 The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
 in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
 selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his
 siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the
 biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
 Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
 animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
 Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
 last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
 When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and
 slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and
 leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it
 got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
 mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at
 all of the Russian dog.
 The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We
 don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
 working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
 in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
 "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
 working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
*******************************

A man was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved
to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to
see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful
that he began to cry.  A blonde driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road
and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he
explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
     The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled
out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and
hopped off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people
again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and
waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight. The man was astonished. He
couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman
and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman
turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:  Hair Spray - Restores Life to
Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
***************************************************************************

Two Indians and Jim were walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians
took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave, "Woooooo!
 Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Jim was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about; "was  that Indian goofy or something?" "No," said the other Indian. "It
 is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get
an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other
Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo!
 Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came the clothes
and into the cave he went. Jim started running around the desert looking for a cave so he could find
 one of these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great
big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger
 then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well,
he went up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandure. He got in front of
the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when  he
 heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" Off came his clothes
and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day, in the newspaper, the headlines
read, "NAKED MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
***************************************************************************
Church Bulletin Bloopers

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles,
 and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
 will be used to cripple children.
 The outreach committee has enlisted 25
 visitors to make calls on people who are
 not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held
 Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
 invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
 the B.S. is done.
 The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
 of the congregation would lend him their
 electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
 next Sunday morning.
  Ushers will eat latecomers.
  Evening massage - 6 p.m.
 Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet
 Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use
 the back door.
 The pastor will preach his farewell
 message, after which the choir will sing,
 "Break Forth Into Joy."
 Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for
 the morning service. The pastor will then
 speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
 *** Due to the Rector's illness,
 Wednesday's healing services will be
 discontinued until further notice.
 The audience is asked to remain seated
 until the end of the recession.
  The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much
 to the delight of the audience.
 The third verse of Blessed Assurance will
 be sung without musical accomplishment.
 The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be
 hell May 10 and 11.
 A song fest was hell at the Methodist
 church Wednesday.
 
 The music for today's service was all
 composed by George Friedrich Handel in
 celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
 birth.
 22 members were present at the church
 meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha
 Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and
Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
 The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a
 great success. Special thanks are due to
 the minister's daughter, who labored the
 whole evening at the piano, which as
 usual fell upon her.
  The eighth-graders will be presenting
 Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
 basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
 congregation is invited to attend this
 tragedy.
 On a church bulletin during the minister's
 illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr.Hargreaves is better.
 Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be
 given to church secretary.
 Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see
 here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace
 Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is
 sounding"
 8 new choir robes are currently needed,
 due to the addition of several new
 members and to the deterioration of some
 older ones
  The choir invites any member of the
 congregation who enjoys sinning to join
 the choir
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.
 Please use large double door at the side
 entrance.


 
 

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