Comedian 12



 
 
 
 

A JOKE A DAY
JOKE SEARCH SITES
CLEAN JOKES PAGE

 

 Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any
flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all
the cars.  There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

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A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her".  He often wondered what gender
computers should be addressed.  To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer experts.  The first was comprised of women, and the
second of men.  Each group was asked to recommend whether computers
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to
in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck  on accessories for it.

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 ALL BABIES start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine
 months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells
 are  instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
 Because  there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to
 develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already
 assigned elsewhere in the female.
 Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications
 center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual
 organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of
 cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And
 some of their cards are in their shorts.
 This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in
 various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read.
 Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over
 their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing
 things before taking any action.  Little boys will just punch or kick
 something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched
 their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
 This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the
 hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not
 only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of
 thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often
 originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of
 course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a
 small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full
 mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.  Such
 men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger
 brain cell relocation.
 These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men
 suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.  These men are usually
 referred to as . . . "Mr. President."

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Housecleaning Tips

 1. Sweeping and Mopping the floors-Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots
that require scrubbing recruit cat ...may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat...well you
are in trouble ... go find one roaming the neighborhood quick!

2. Vacuuming--Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house
insisting the carpet looks the same but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success:
Don't always call same company ... keep a chart and rotate.

3. Dusting--Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over
everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away
from your computer ... and that just is unacceptable. For the illusion of using those products ... spray a few
squirts to air like airfreshener.

4. Laundry--First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it ...like you have no underwear...
(heck who needs underwear). Okay ... lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes ... run the dryer again
... and again and again ... and when the utility bill comes ...have a stroke

5. Cleaning toilet--Close the lid.

6. Cleaning Shower--Close the shower door or curtain.

7. Cleaning the rest of the Bathroom--Close the door. Again ... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath ... pour
some Lysol in the trash can that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you.
Speaking of which......

8. Taking out the Trash--If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbor ... say you hurt
your back or some other sob story... that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out
of the neighbor as well! Try not to use it too often ...they might get suspicious.

9 Dishes-Dishwasher . if it doesn't come off run it again and again... if that doesn't work ... throw the dish out
and start fresh. Better yet ... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go...
(as long as your neighbor is taking out the trash). .

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Subject: New Employment Challenge
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's
available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make
an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

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 Two men are hiking in the woods when they suddenly encounter a huge grizzly bear.
Both men turn and start running as fast as they can with the hungry bear in pursuit.
 After running for a long distance and with the bear closing on them, one of
the men yells out to the other "Do you think we can outrun the bear?"
 The other man replies "Out-run the bear?... I just want to make sure I out-run you!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

A woman was standing in front the Art Museum beside a huge
statue of a naked Greek God.  Her husband walked up and
said, "What in the world are you doing here?  I asked you to
meet me by the big clock."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to
them at that time of life. The 80 year old said : "The best thing that
could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there
and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could
have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my
hands on and it is still a problem."

The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00
am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up
before 7:00."

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
    attacked by the Loch Ness monster.  In one easy flip, the beast tossed
    him and his boat high into the air then opened its mouth to swallow both.
     As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,  "Oh, my God! Help me!"

    At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and, as the atheist hung in mid-air,
a booming voice came down from the clouds.  "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

    "Come on, God, give me a break!" the man pleaded.  "Two minutes ago I
    didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"

    The atheist continued, "God, please let the Loch Ness monster be a Christian."

    God replied, "So be it."  The scene starts up, atheist falling.

    The Loch Ness monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord,
    bless  this food you have so graciously provided."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<
 

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions back
towards turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press
conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not
available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having
twelve days of Christmas and
eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining
forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality
service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being
the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on
the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great
miracle happ3.      On the other hand, you have different fingers.
ened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic
"Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and
his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In
fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three

hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and
cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came
last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it
not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and
Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance.  He then closed the press conference by leading all present
in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

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 FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
 
1.      Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.      A day without sunshine is like, night
 3.      On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 4.      I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
 5.      42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 6.      99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 7.      I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
 8.      You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
 9.      I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
 10.     Honk if you love peace and quiet.
 11.     Remember half the people you know are below average.
 12.     Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
 13.     Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
 14.     Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 15.     He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 16.     Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 17.     Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 18.     The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.     I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 20.    I intend to live forever - so far so good.
 21.     Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
 22.     If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 23.    Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 24.     Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 25.     The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
 26.     Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 27.     When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
 28.     If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 29.     A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 30.     Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 31.     For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 32.     Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
 33.     Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 34.     No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 35.     Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
 36. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
 37.     The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
 38.     The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
 39.     To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 40.     To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
 41.     Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
 42.     You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 43.     Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 44.     The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 45.     The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
 46.     A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 47.     Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
 48.     Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
 49.     Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
 50.     Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 51     If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52.     How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

SUBJECT: A REAL BICYCLIST!
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.  He got as far as
Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop.  Finally a guy in a Corvette
pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bikewouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette
found a piece of rope lying bythe highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and
told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone,
the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both
going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar
gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, 'and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass'.

LOL: Marriage
 

A father told of his four year old daughter who was
having a hard time grasping the concept of marriage
He took out the wedding album, thinking visual
images would help; and explained the entire service
to the child. Once finished, he asked if she had any
questions, and she replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when
Mommy came to work for us?"
 

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LOL: Marriage

A father told of his four year old daughter who was
having a hard time grasping the concept of marriage.
He took out the wedding album, thinking visual
images would help; and explained the entire service
to the child. Once finished, he asked if she had any
questions, and she replied, "Oh, I see. Is that when
Mommy came to work for us?"
 
 
 

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                          I know you believe you understand what you think I said... But I'm not sure you realize

that what you heard is not what I meant!

                              - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Professor Thomas L. Martin

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

  NATURAL highs


Running thru a puddle after the rain.
Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
Little Baby Anythings.
Cheering up a friend who is down.
 When your favorite football team goes to the Superbowl.
When your husband does not watch superbowl.
  Hearing "Hi Mommy" (or Daddy)
  Your dog jumps in bed with you  and wants to be close.
       Drooly kisses on the face from a toddler.
Drooly kisses on the face from a loved dog.
 Swimming outside under a clear sky of stars
Hanging out with your good buddies on a crappy day.
Dancing with someone you love.
Making out on the couch.
Getting a standing ovation.
That moment just before you kiss someone.
 Warm cocoa and cookies after a long day.
Spending time with a friend
Making someone's day brighter 'cause you smiled at them.
 Watching a really beautiful sunset.
   Knowing sometimes things are hard, you aren't alone. Someone taking time to care when you think no-one does.
The feeling Christmas morning,
All by yourself, and have one really good deep thought.
  When you're cuddled up in a sweatshirt outside in the fall.
The feeling you get the first time you step on stage.
The feeling after running a few miles -  an accomplishment.
The first day of school, or a new job.
Riding a bike downhill.
Spending time with close friends.
Winning a really competitive game.
Making chocolate chip cookies.
Going to a really good concert.
Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
Road trips with friends.
Butterflies in your stomach when you see that one person.
Hot chocolate.
 Song lyrics printed inside your CD so you can sing along.
Sweet dreams.
eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
Having someone play with your hair.
  Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree 
Late talks with someone, that keep you fromsleeping.
 Watching a movie cuddled up with someone you love.
Playing with a new puppy.
Swinging on swings.
Being part of a team.
Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
Your first kiss.
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
Laughing at yourself.
Running through sprinklers.
Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Falling in love.
  Laughing so hard your face hurts.
A hot shower.
No lines at the Super Walmart.
A special glance.
Getting mail.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
Hot towels out of the dryer.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Walking out of your last final.
for half price.
 Finding the sweater you want is on sale
Chocolate milkshakes.
A bubble bath.
     Overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Waking up and realizing you have a few hours left to sleep.
Slumber parties.
The beach.
   Falling in love for the first time.
 A care package.
  Friends.
A good conversation.
Laughing at an inside joke.
Giggling.
Having someone tell you,you're beautiful (or handsome)
Getting invited to a dance.
A long distance phone call.


  <RRRrrrrinnggg!>

 "Hello?"

 "Hello! Mr. Michaels?"

 "Speaking."

 "How are you today?"

 "OK so far..."

 "My name is Debbie from Pointless Industries, and I'm calling to offer
 you a fabulous new offer that we are offering...."

 "Who is this really?"

 "My name is Debbie from---"

 "How did you get this number?"

 "Well.. you are on our list of preferred---"

 <urgent whisper> "Listen to me, and listen good! You tell Hugo and his goons I lived up to my end of
the deal! I cut up the bodies like he said, I ditched the car like he said, now I'm out of it, understand?
 You tell him he bothers me or my family again and I take everything I know to the Man,
 and don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about!"

 <hang up>

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 STILL THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?  THINK AGAIN.
 The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.  The man
was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still
holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped
onto the floor inside the house.

 The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor,cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.  The wife ran to the phone and
 summoned an ambulance.  Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights
of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and
transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

 Since gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and
threw the towels in the toilet.  The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
 After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
 He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

 The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.  She ran
into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor.  His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

 The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.  The same ambulance crew was
dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the
stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had
 burned himself.  She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard,
 one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out.  He fell down
 the remaining steps and broke his arm.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

           ~~~  Polly wanna Cruiseship?  ~~~
    There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act
aboard a cruise ship.  He had been there for several years, and since the
crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed
the good life in this sinecure, spending most his time out on the Promenade
Deck working on his tan, not new tricks.

 One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the
parrot with him to see the nightly magic show.

 Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the
cards, flower, ect. were hidden by the magician in his act.  The bird would
say, "the card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid
the money under his shoe..."  Because the parrot would only take about a
week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was *forced* to
continually learn new ones, which was
getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time."
To put it mildly he HATED THE DARN PARROT, but since it was
the Captain's he couldn't just weigh the bird down and deep six it.

 Late one night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes.
Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in
the water at 0200 dark in the morning.  Alas, he was the only one left
alive!

 As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around  what should be
sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log - his arch nemesis, the
Parrot!

 They glared at each other and said nothing.  This went on for three days
and neither said a word, just glared.

 On the Fourth Day the Parrot finally broke the silence and said, "OK! I
give up - what did you do with the ship!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 Jay was telling me about his wife sitting around with other
 wives at our son's baseball game.  (He's 7).  One mom was
 complaining about having to go to the athletic store to buy
 an athletic cup.  She said, "The man asked me what size.
 I shrugged and held my thumb and index finger about an
 inch apart and said, 'he's about this big.'  The man behind
 the counter said, 'No, ma'am, what's his *waist* size?'"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

  White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk
into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm.

 Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about
  their daily tasks.

  The day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office
for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state.

  Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask
the  President's personal business.

  Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office
  between appointments and gently closed the door behind her.  "Mr. President,
  "she said.  "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all
  quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on
your arm.  Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

  "Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch.  I'm trying to quit."

***************************************************************************
Quickies.....
 Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
 A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

 Q: Why did God create alcohol?
 A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

 Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

 Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
 A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

 Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
 A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

**************************************************************************

Vaseline Joke
A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock with three small children
running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their
many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer
was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said, "to assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed.
He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it
for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since
you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

***************************************************************************

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years.
Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help
from his wife.

 At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all.
Why is that?"

 Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

 "Memory school? What memory school?"

 Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"

 "A rose?"

 "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled,  "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory
school you sent me to?"

***************************************************************************

TRUE STORY:  Carjacking Foiled:
               An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found males in her car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun proceeding
               to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it
               and that she will if required.... so get out of the car.

               The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out
               and ran like mad where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags
    into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.  Small problem,  her key  wouldn't
fit the ignition.  Her car was identical and parked four/five spaces further down.

               She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police  station.
               The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two
               With laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale
               White males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white women.
No Charges were filed.

***************************************************************************

A new business was opening and a long time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion.
 He arrived at the "Grand Opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host,
then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants.  Finally, he
happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment:  "Rest in Peace."
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint.  After venting his anger
in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the
mistake, but rather than getting angry imagine this:  Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and
they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying "Congratulations on your New Location".

***************************************************************************
  Subject: Kiss Kiss !

 Where Has All The Lipstick Gone?

 According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a
 unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
 put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
 lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
 the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She
 explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
 for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

 To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
 custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
 dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

 Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

***************************************************************************

 The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia  page picturing several national flags.
She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of
our  country." "Very good," the teacher said.  "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the
girl said confidently.

***************************************************************************

  After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and  proceeded
to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
 At last she threw a  towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice,  "Who was that?"

***************************************************************************

  Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't
make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said,
"Just bring them bread and water."  One of the little boys  looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

***************************************************************************

  A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the
lonely child."

***************************************************************************

  A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I
had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods."  The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

***************************************************************************

  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

***************************************************************************

  A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
  he asked. "I don't know," she replied.  "I can't read."

***************************************************************************

  I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for
me, so I continued. At last she headed  for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to
figure out some of these yourself!"

***************************************************************************

  A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the
  Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

***************************************************************************

  A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
  shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

***************************************************************************

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons throught sensory
perception.  She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and
taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.
"It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the
kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted "Spit 'em out everyone, they're assholes!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 CLEAN  SPOON

While dining with some clients last week, I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed
us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. But when our busboy came with
water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room and discovered
that all the waiters, waitresses,busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take
our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired
some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour
per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance,we can cut our trips to the
kitchen down and save nearly 1.5 extra man hours per  shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came
from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket."I'll grab
another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed."Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered. Then as he continued to take our
orders, I spotted a thin,black thread protruding from his fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the
room and, sure enough,  there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point,so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me,but...
uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah," he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are
that observant.  That same efficiency group found we could savetime in the Men's room, too.""How's
that?" I asked. "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals
literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands,cutting time spent in the restroom
by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense,"I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked,"Hey,wait-a-
minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well,"
he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Bad Sex
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they
rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they
rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK
hit her husband across the shins.  His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught
his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"  "That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.  Again they kept pace. Back and
forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over
and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.  As soon as her eyes quit watering and she
could speak she asked, "What was that fer?"  "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer
knowin' the difference."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Read this sentence:
           FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
           SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
          IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
           THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence.  Count them ONLY ONCE! Do not
go back and count them again.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.

See below:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Answer below:
.
.
.
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence.  Average intelligence finds three of
them.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can  turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.  There is no catch.

Many people forget the "OF"'s.  The human brain tends to see them as V's
and not F's.  Pretty weird, huh?

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<
 A Rabbit's Thesis (contributed by Olivija)
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day
was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read
it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
 "You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the
rabbit.  The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough,
a  wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and  Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit
came along and asked, "What's up?  You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical
graduate student abode, a rather messy one after writing a thesis.
The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of  fox
bones, to the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><
senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlanti City.
As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"
The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down.
10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver
thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them?
10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too.
The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When
he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"
"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<
This woman walked into XYZ Mufflers* (*name changed to protect the innocent/stupid) and asked the gentleman at the counter how much a new muffler for my car would cost.
'Well now honey,' he said, 'we'll take a look at it and let you know. It may not be
the muffler that needs to be replaced.'
She replied .. 'Ok, it's in the garbage bag in the back seat of the car.'

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<
Three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control
they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the two turns to the third and says, 'Well, Cole what about
you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?'
The third fellow says: 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on
her hands and knees.'
The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.
'She said, 'get out from under the bed, you coward. Fight like a man' .'



 
 
 
 

One-liners that deserve a Groooooan
 
* I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.
* I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
* I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
* I used to be a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, they gave me the axe.
* I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
* I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
* I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

I wanted to be a Chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just
didn't have the thyme. Rosemary didn't either
_____________________________________________________________________

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
_____________________________________________________________________

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career ... so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the
front hall table ... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: 'If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he
takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm
afraid our son will be a drunkard.'
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ...
The son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be
assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said:
'Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined ... '
'Our son is going to be a politician!'

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 LOL: Green Eggs and Hamlet

                         I ask to be, or not to be.
                        That is the question, I ask of me.
                        This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
                        My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
                        Would I, could I take my life?
                        Could I, should I, end this strife?
                        Should I jump out of a plane?
                        Or throw myself before a train?
                        Should I from a cliff just leap?
                        Could I put myself to sleep?
                        Shoot myself, or take some poison?
                        Maybe try self immoloition?
                        To shudder off this mortal coil,
                        I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
                        Slash my wrists while in the bath?
                        Would it end my angst and wrath?
                        To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
                        I could drop a toaster in my tub.
                        Would all be glad, if I were dead?
                        Could I perhaps kill them instead?
                        This line of thought takes consideration -
                        For I'm the king of procrastination.
 

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<
 

                                                                           PUBLIC NOTICE
                                           The process of life is pleased to announce:
                                               YESTERDAY DIED LAST NIGHT !!!
 

 As a result of this divinely ordered event, you are no longer held in bondage of what was.
 All dreams, goals, arrangements, and agreements are now negotiable in terms of what is.
 This is not to imply that you are not accountable to, or responsible for, yesterdays choices.
 It is to say that things can - and have - in fact changed. No further explanation is required.

All parties who intend to evolve must maintain an open mind and heart to what the new day
brings. Those who insist on digging in their hells, gritting their teeth, clutching, clawing, or
grabbing in an attempt to hold on, will ultimately end up where yesterday is today.

                        I AM NOT BOUND BY YESTERDAY!!!!!

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 "During Mass"

 My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They've got two daughters, with a son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass,
the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"
"Not yet," replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy.  I'm half-Jewish!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.  When the children returned to school a few
days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away
from school constructively.   "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied.
"I just prayed for more snow."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania,
 spent a week at the Synod school with his  two children.  The school's theme focused on Moses
and the Exodus.  When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother:
"Guess what, Mommy.  We made unleaded bread!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build
airplanes.   Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree.
It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land,
so he decided to start his own company to build jets.  His company was such a hit that the
President of the United States called Bernie into his office.  "Bernie," the president said, "the
President of Israel wants to commission your company to build anadvanced jet fighter for his
country.  You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect.  The entire resources of
his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history.  Everything looked
terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck.
The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage!
(The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)
Bernie was devastated;  his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened
at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.  Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul
to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong.  The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness,  and naturally asked
him what the matter was.  Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.  After hearing the
problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I
know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below
where the wing meets the fuselage.  If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more
he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight.  So Bernie did exactly
what the rabbi told him to do.  On the next design of the jet fighter,they drilled a row of holes directly
above and below where the wings met the fuselage.  And...it worked!! The next test flight went
perfectly!  Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked.  "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man.  I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated
Passover many, many times."  "And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh
broken on the perforation!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 Moore on Insurance
* I was able to obtain some real cheap fire-theft insurance for
  our home.  Turns out however they only pay off if we're robbed
  during a fire.
- - - - -

* A lot of life insurance policies cost a great deal of money to
  maintain.  But look on the bright side -- when you die, you'll
  be rich !
- - - - -

* Who sez that life insurance agents don't have feelings.  After
  I had my heart bypass operation, my agent sent cards and called
  daily to check on my recovery.
- - - - -

*   An agent for a large insurance company in Ontario handed a
  life-insurance check to a widow, in full payment for her late
  husband's policy.  He then advised her to take out a policy
  of her own.
    "Why I do believe I will." she replied enthusiastically.
  "My husband had such good luck with his."
- - - - -

*   The Yuppette, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
  The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life
  insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employees' pay.
    She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well
  as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave.
  AND they paid the full premiums."
    "I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with
  such benefits." the interviewer replied.
    The Yuppette shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went
  bankrupt."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds
with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses
of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns
would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three
dimensional space.  This proposal being given in a more liberal era,
the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a
lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year
of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his
stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with
charts  and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses
his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello.
Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed
glasses as she stares down at our student.
"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept
this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns
but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group."
Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."
"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."



 
 
 
 

BUTTON SAYINGS
 
1.  Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2.  Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3.  Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
 4.  A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5.  Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
 6.  Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7.  This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8.  I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9.  I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11. You! Off my planet!
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
22. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
23. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
24. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
25. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
 31. Adult child of alien invaders.
32. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
33. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
34. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
35. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

The class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class.
The teacher didn't see Johnnie.
She asked, "Where's Johnnie?"
One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom, lying on the floor."
She asked, "Why is he doing that?"
The child said, "I don't know.  He's been like that since he stuck the
scissors in the light socket."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: " 'Who threw the eraser at the principal?' "

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of
the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed,
but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister
you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

You know your kids are growing up when they become so
insufferable that you wish birth control were retroactive!!

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his
mother, "Mom, what's sex?"
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects
of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the lad produced an enrollment form
which he had brought home from school and said, "Yeah, but
how do I get all that into this one little square?"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on
the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting.
In the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was. "I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied
casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."
"Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a
metal pole twisted like a corkscrew.  I could still beat Dan Brock with one hand tied behind
my back.  I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.

"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the
sights off the gun, hold it one handed (left hand
even though I'm right handed) sight with my
right eye (even though the gun's in my left hand)
and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to
hold the weapon stable.  Even then, I could win
Harley whenever I want.  Nothing's any fun
unless I can make it into a challenge."

I was impressed.  "Got any kids?" I inquired.

"Yes," he replied.  "And before you ask...

...Standing up in a hammock."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Eleven Signs of PMS

1.  Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2.  You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3.  The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4.  Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5.  You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

6.  Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7.  You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8.  You're counting down the days until menopause.

9.  You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb in the South?

At Vanderbilt it takes two.
     One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every
bit as well as any ivy leaguer.

At Georgia it takes three.
     One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and
get instructions.

At Florida it takes four.
     One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get high off
the old one.

At Alabama it takes five.
     One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and
two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.

At Ole Miss it takes six.
     One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect
J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU it takes seven,
     and each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.

At Kentucky it takes eight.
     One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines
during basketball season.

At Tennessee it takes ten.
     Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade,
and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is
too stupid to do it.

At Mississippi State it takes fifteen.
     One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout,
"GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!"

At Auburn it takes 100.
     One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and
50 who realize it's all a lie.

At South Carolina it takes 80,000.
     One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the
year they have good football team.

At Arkansas it takes none.
     There is no electricity in Arkansas.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Bible Riddles
Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in
    liquidation.

Q.  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the
    Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A.  Ruth-less.

Q.  Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A.  Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A.  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A.  Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A.  2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a
    Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not
    cramped beyond movement."

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson; he brought the house down.

Q.  Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A.  In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second,
    Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home.
    The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q.  How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden
    of Eden?
A.  They were really put out.

Q.  What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did
    after they were kicked out?
A.  They really raised Cain.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
    no longer lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q.  How long did Cain hate his brother?
A.  As long as he was Abel!

Q.  What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the
    Ark?
A.  So long Fellers!

Q.  The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a
    window to  let light in, but how did they get light to
    the bottom 2 stories?
A.  They used floodlights.

Q.  After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of
    Noah?
A.  3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of
    the ark

Q.  Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A.  When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q.  Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A.  When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q.  Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q.  Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a
    slingshot?
A.  The thought had never entered his head before?

Q.  If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him
     the joke about David and Goliath?
A.  No, he already fell for it once.

Q.  Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine
     for the sake of his stomach?
A.  Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q.  What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A.  Turn right and go straight.

Q.  Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A.  Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q.  Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A.  At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to
     no one."

Q.  Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.  Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
A.  Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around the Jordan, the banks were always
    overflowing.

Q.  How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A.  Because Job16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at
    ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me
    by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q.  Will there be dogs in the new system?
A.  No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q.  Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A.  Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q.  Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command
    to never throw away?
A.  Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

I'd Just Like a date

Before your venture out into the sea of dating give yourself
a check up from the neck up and all the way around.
I don't mean go rush off to the doctor.
Stand in front the the mirror and look at yourself.
Take stock of what you see, where do you excel
and what areas can you improve.
Now be honest where are you on the scale of 1 to 10 ?
Look at your face, body, style, personality and intelligence.
Try to see yourself the way others will see you.
This scale can slide a little, maybe your physical score
is a 6 while being smart, holding a good conversation,
and making people laugh can push your personality score to a 9.
Personality goes a long way.
We all need to laugh so being outgoing and witty means a lot.
Style makes heads turn and you don't have to break the bank
to show good fashion sense.
You may not go out and land a date that is a 9 or 10
all the time but that is the reason to give yourself a check up.
Don't go setting your standard too high,
it only sets  you up for rejection.
Remember no matter where you are on that scale from 1 to 10
there is always someone out there for everyone.

Tip

We have to be complete in ourselves before we can share
ourselves with anyone.
Don't look for what you may feel is missing in yourself
from someone else.

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Really Drunk
=--=
 A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans
and get him home.

 So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the
way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they
help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.

 They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"

 The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting
away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
all over the table.

 "What are you doing?" his mother asked.

 "You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained,  "I'm looking
for the seal."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do.
A group of people went up to the chief  and asked him, "What will the
weather be like tomorrow?"

 The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."

 The next day, it did rain and it was very wet.  Some more people went up
to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"

 "Much snow. Very cold."

 Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.

 The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another
time.  Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?"

 The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken."

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

 A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony
is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out.....
 "Watch out for the wall!!!"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and
days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.  He aimed
his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied
"What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.  A Mexican general decided
that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"   An American
replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" TheMexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Vince, Glen, and Shawn. A little confused at their present
situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the
ugliest woman they hadever seen. She was 3' 4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the
Brimstone.  The voice of the Devil was heard, "Vince, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity with this woman!" And Vince was whisked through the door by a group
of  lesser demons to his torment.  This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both
jumped when asecond door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood
gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Glen, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest  of
eternity with this woman!" And Glen, like Vince, was whisked off. Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained
to see the figure of Marilyn Monroe! Delighted, Shawn jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Marilyn, you have sinned........"

>>> >><>000=======^^^^^^^^^^======000<><< <<<

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.  When the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
   herd as a  whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know,  kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest  brain cells first. In this way regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
 
 
 
 

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