Comedian 11


 
Lawyer Joke Emporium
Humor Cartoons
Laughsonline

 A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.  In fact it was the biggest
store in the area--you could get anything there.  The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
 before?"
 "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.  The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can
start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived
and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
 "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss.
 "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you
manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook andfinally
a really large hook. Then I sold him small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.  "I asked him where
 he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down
to the boat department and sold him that 22 foot schooner with the twin engines.  Then he said his VW
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV."
 The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a
fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman.  "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to
him,   "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""
********************************

A sweet little boy made his grandmother a cup of coffee and carried it to her one morning.
          He watched her sip the coffee and excitedly waited for her verdict on its quality.
 The grandmother had never tasted such bad coffee in all her life but somehow she managed to
get it down. When she had finally reached the last sip, she noticed three of those little green
plastic Army men floating in the bottom of the cup.

"Honey, why are there three little green Army men in my coffee cup?" she asked.
"You know, Grandma," said the little boy. "It's like they say on TV: the best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup!"
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PIRATE SHIPS
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a
pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate,  "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to
battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.  Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding
parties.  The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however
thistime more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night
recounting the day's occurrences when  an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why
 did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle,
the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue tofight unafraid...
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the
lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.  The
men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain,
 calm as ever, bellowed,  "Bring me my brown pants!"
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Two lovers who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one
remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.  As luck
would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.  True to her word, his sweetheart tried
to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"  A ghostly voice
answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful.  There are azure skies,
a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good
breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon.  After lunch, we nap until two and then have more
sex until about five.  After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 PM."
Martha was somewhat taken aback.  "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
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  A Fable By Mark Twain
Harper's Monthly (Dec. 1909)

Once upon a time an artist who had painted a small and very beautiful picture placed it so that he could see
it in the mirror. He said, "This doubles the distance and softens it, and it is twice as lovely as it was before."
The animals out in the woods heard of this through the housecat, who was greatly admired by them because
he was so learned, and so refined and civilized, and so polite and high-bred, and could tell them so much which they didn't know before, and were not certain about afterward.  They were much excited about this new piece of gossip, and they asked questions, so as to get at a full understanding of it. They asked what a picture was,
and the cat explained.  "It is a flat thing," he said; "wonderfully flat, marvellously flat, enchantingly flat and elegant. And, oh, so beautiful!" That excited them almost to a frenzy, and they said they would give the world
to see it.  Then the bear asked "What is it that makes it so beautiful?"  "It is the looks of it," said the cat.
This filled them with admiration and uncertainty, and they were more excited than ever. Then the cow asked: "What is a mirror?"  "It is a hole in the wall," said the cat. "You look in it, and there you see the picture, and it
is so dainty and charming and ethereal and inspiring in its unimaginable beauty that your head turns round
and round, and you almost swoon with ecstasy."
The ass had not said anything as yet; he now began to throw doubts. He said there had never been anything as beautiful as this before, and probably wasn't now. He said that when it took a whole basketful of sesquipedalian adjectives to whoop up a thing of beauty, it was time for suspicion. It was easy to see that these doubts were having an effect upon the animals, so the cat went off offended. The subject was dropped for a couple of days, but in the mean time curiosity was taking a fresh start, and there was a revival of interest perceptible.
Then the animals assailed the ass for spoiling what could possibly have been a pleasure to them, on a mere suspicion that the picture was not beautiful, without any evidence that such was the case. The ass was not troubled; he was calm, and said there was one way to find out who was in the right, himself or the cat: he would go and look in that hole, and come back and tell what he found there. The animals felt relieved and grateful, and asked him to go at once -- which he did. But he did not know where he ought to stand; and so, through error,
he stood between the picture and the mirror. The result was that the picture had no chance, and didn't show up. He returned home and said:
"The cat lied. There was nothing in that hole but an ass. There wasn't a sign of a flat thing visible. It was a handsome ass, and friendly, but just an ass, and nothing more."
The elephant asked: "Did you see it good and clear? Were you close to it?" "I saw it good and clear, O Hathi,
King of Beasts. I was so close that I touched noses with it." "This is very strange," said the elephant; "the cat was always truthful before -- as far as we could make out. Let another witness try. Go, Baloo, look in the hole, and come and report."
So the bear went. When he came back, he said: "Both the cat and the ass have lied; there was nothing in the hole but a bear."  Great was the surprise and puzzlement of the animals. Each was now anxious to make the test himself and get at the straight truth. The  elephant sent them one at a time.
First, the cow. She found nothing in the hole but a cow.
The tiger found nothing in it but a tiger..The lion found nothing in it but a lion.
The leopard found nothing in it but a leopard.  The camel found a camel, and nothing more.
Then Hathi was wroth, and said he would have the truth, if he had to go and fetch it himself. When he
returned, he abused his whole subjectry for liars, and was in an unappeasable fury with the moral and mental
blindness of the cat. He said that anybody but a near-sighted fool could see that there was nothing in the
hole but an elephant.

                                           MORAL, BY THE CAT
You can find in a text whatever you bring, if you will stand between it and the mirror of your imagination.
 You may not see you ears, but they will be there.

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 The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.  Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
 The father, crying and  wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another  drink!" The
 bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles
the last of it.
 Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy  stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the  right... right through the
front door,
 into the street, where a truck  runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans
in grief.
 The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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Just a passing moment in the un-recorded annals of time.

Some animals are more equal than others.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.  He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE

Ai Bang Mai Ne................... I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu..........................A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat............................You need a face lift
Dum Gai..................................A stupid person
Gun Pao Der..........................An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ......................Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding .....................We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun ......................A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia ..................................Approach me
Lao Ze Sho .............................Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi .......................................Not very good
Lin Ching..................................An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding........................A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn......................................A lightin fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai....................................A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be..........................A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ...........................A small horse
Ten Ding Ba..............................Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung.........................A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan..........................Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah...........................Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim................................Are you tryingto save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting.......................There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan................................A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk............................Irritating drivers
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Men are like vinyl floors.  If you lay it right the first time you can walk all over it forever.
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Gentle Humor
 
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
* Reason to smile:  Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant  atmosphere ... and let the air out of
their tires. -Dorothy Parker
 * Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
 * Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
 * Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
 * Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.
 * Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
 * My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
 * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
 * If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
 * Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
 * Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day!
 * You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while
you're down there

 
 
Point .. Counter Point
 
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
* Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
* I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
* Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this.
* Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia.
* Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
* Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy
* People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or shipwrecked.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all
the beaches all over the world.
* A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
* You know you're old if you can remember when radios plugged in and toothbrushes didn't.
* A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
* If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
* Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his head off while the little people do all
the work canning vegetables!?
* You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
*  My ship came in, but I was at the train station.
* The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it.  If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.
* If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
* If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
* A penny saved is ridiculous.

Marooned

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life.  Until the boat sank.  The man found himself swept up on the
shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
  After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has
ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
  "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
  "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
   "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars
were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."  "But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
 hardware. How did you manage?"
   "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
 The guy is stunned.
 "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing,  she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading
to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
 expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
   As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please;
would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut
 juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
 cabinet."  No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet,
is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
 "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling
faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely.
  There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all
these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.

  He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows
 excitedly, "-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"


MERGERS TO WATCH IN 1999
 
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company: Fairwell Honeychild.
Polygram Records, Warner Bros and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems:
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M & Goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 PenneyOpera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: KnottNOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
Netscape & Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo

Old Age:
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of thenight to go
to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goesoff when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the
bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That
old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!

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A Christmas Celebration
 After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they
celebrated Christmas.  When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said,
"Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."  Sammy replied,
"Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing,
'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

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Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer
neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs asa handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,  "Yeah,I have a job for you.
How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends.  People fall in love with the most
appalling people.  Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals.
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding
pattern over Philadelphia.
Love is like an onion, you taste it with delight.
but, when it's gone you wonder.  Whatever made you bite?
If music be the food of love, play on.- - - - - - Shakespeare
Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. - - - - - Robert Browning
Love is the enchanted dawn of every heart - - - - - Lamartine
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.- Albert Camus (1913-1960)
It's not the men in my life that count -- it's the life in my men - - - - - Mae West (1892-1980)
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - - - - - Rita Mae Brown
 At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet  - - - - - Plato
 Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.  - - - Sean Connery
 Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make.  And you must use your imagination too. - Joyce Cary
  Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - - - - - Jerome K. Jerome
  One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when  you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again. - - - - - Judith Viorst
 Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - - - - - Jules Renard
 To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. - - - - - Oscar Wilde
 It is never too late to fall in love.  - - - - - Sandy Wilson

~~~~~     Ten Dollahs     ~~~~~
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.  Every year they went to the Portland Fair,
and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane".  An every year
Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten
dollahs".  So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go".
Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.  He turns to Stumpy as they come to a
stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!"  And
Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
   She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along
at a steady and  rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In  terror, she grabs
for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm  grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she  slides down the side of the horse anyway.  the horse gallops along, seemingly
imperious to it slipping rider. Finally giving up her frail  grip, she leaps away from the horse to try
and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she
is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves asher head is struck against the ground again
and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when.......the Wal- Mart manager runs out and shuts off the horse.

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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
  resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd
and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication,  at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know,
a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.  At least I thought
there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.  Davidson went on to
state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to
his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged  "need".
 "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process,
Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware
of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's..
......just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are doing it with a
pumpkin?'  He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
  "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

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Question and infamous answers
 If you could live forever, would you and why?

 Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
  -Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
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 Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates inthe country.
 -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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 I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
 -Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
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 Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd
love to be skinny like that but not with all those  flies and death and stuff. -Mariah Carey, pop singer
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 "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
 -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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 "The police are not here to create disorder.  They're here to preserve disorder."
 -Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 DemocraticParty convention
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 China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -Former French President Charles de Gaulle
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 I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
 -David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
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 The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
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 Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
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 Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
 -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
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 We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
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 Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as
marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are. -Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
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 "It's like an Alcatraz around my neck." -Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
 -----------------------------------------------------
 "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
 -----------------------------------------------------
Why isn't this working........oops!-Mary Handly,
clerk at Family Christian Stores, attempting to operate one of the store's high-tech registers.
------------------------------------------------------
 They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. -Pratt & Whitney
spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
 -----------------------------------------------------
 It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 -----------------------------------------------------
 I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder
in school so I could converse with those people. -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 -----------------------------------------------------
 It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.  It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.
 -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
 -----------------------------------------------------
 The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
 -Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
 -----------------------------------------------------
 The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous
speaking on "Larry King Live"
 -----------------------------------------------------
 After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased
to announce the appointment of David Steele to the position.
 -Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
 -----------------------------------------------------
 That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
 -A congressional candidate in Texas
 -----------------------------------------------------
 Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
 -General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

***************************************************************************
A Rabbit's Thesis

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice
that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself.
If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit.
The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out
of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along
and asked, "What's up?  You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate student
abode,  a rather messy one after writing a thesis.

The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to the
left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

***************************************************************************

Bubba was as usual bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
everyone there is to know.  Just name someone - anyone - and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom
Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.  "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President
Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.  "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's
fly out to Washington."

And off they go.  At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise!  I was
just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's
have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba
who again challenges him to name anyone else.  "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!"
says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long
time."

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't
catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the
guards too, so they'll let
me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.  But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his boss'
side, Bubba's  boss asks
you and the Pope came out on the balcony but then, the man next to me said,
"Who's that on the balcony
with Bubba?"
***************************************************************************

Fatherhood

                                   One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.
                        Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his
                       face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantmen skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening
                                                               she slipped her arms around her husband.
 "A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only
$46.50!"
***************************************************************************

                        Senator Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you run for Senate when you'v never
                        held a real job?"

                        Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I served through
                        two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on 12 different
                        occasions. I was in the space program.

                        It wasn't my checkbook; it was my life on the line. It was not a 9 to 5 job, where I took
                        time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.

                        I ask you to go with me..as I went the other day...to a Veterans Hospital, and look at those
                        men with their mangled bodies in the eye and tell them they didn't hold a job.

                        You go with me to the space program and go, as I have gone, to the widows and orphans
                        of Ed White and Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee, and you look those kids in the eye and
                        tell them that their dad didn't hold a job.

                        You go with me on Memorial Day coming up, and you stand in Arlington National
                        Cemetery, where I have more friends than I'd like to remember - and you watch those
                        waving flags, and you stand there, and think about this nation, and you tell me that those
                        people didn't have a job.

                        I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum, you should be on your knees every day of your life
                        thanking God that there were some men - SOME MEN - who held a job. And they required
                        a dedication to purpose and a love of country and a dedication to duty that was more
                        important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this country possible...

                        I HAVE HELD A JOB, HOWARD! What about you?"

***************************************************************************

   Thoughts To Live By: Miracles
The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walkon the earth.
***************************************************************************
A COUPLE FROM ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS

 A wedding story...( As only a child could do...)

 A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put
his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step,
step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near
 tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from
all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time  he reached the pulpit.
 When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being
 the Ring Bear..."
***************************************************************************
 A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
 returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
 kittens and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mom asked.
 "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, " think it's
 printed on the bottom."
 ____________________________________________
 Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
 the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
 wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me,  Mom, I know they're my feet."
 _____________________________________________
 On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
 "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
 A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
 _____________________________________________
 A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
 putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and
 spread them all over the table.
 "What are you doing?" his mother asked.
 "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
 the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
 ______________________________________________
 "Can people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to
 another. "My mother can," said the other boy.
 "Really?" "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me
exactly what will happen when my Dad gets home."
 _______________________________________________
 A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
 named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
 wife looked back and was turned to salt."
 His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
 _______________________________________________
 A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
 reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said "And
 lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
 ________________________________________________
 Where's the English Channel?
 I don't know, our television doesn't pick it up.
 ________________________________________________
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Bryan, 3. The
 boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
 saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here,
He would  say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Bryan, you be Jesus!

***************************************************************************

 The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
 

13.  Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12.  Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes
    back on.

11.  "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.

10.  Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his
    middle finger.

 9.  Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly
    racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

 8.  She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

 7.  His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle
    of Jagermeister

 6.  During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or
    I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

 5.  Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of
    sweet, sweet love."

 4.  His biggest trick?  Converting a sixer of Coors into
    "liquid gold" -- eventually.

 3.  Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of
    The Magnificent Flatulo.

 2.  Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going
    to need to borrow your bra."

1.  Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
    "Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
***************************************************************************

Two brothers grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them
decided he'd go up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home
and look after the family farm and their parents.

The one up North became a salesman and was soon sales manager, and then vice
president and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out
by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent
company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said...
'Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday.'

He said, 'Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in
Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can
get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do.'

Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a
bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking
they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100
came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 charge arrived the third
month, he called his brother and asked why he kept getting these bills.

'Oh, yes,' the brother said, 'I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed
up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining
and all, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented
him a tuxedo.'

***************************************************************************

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.....

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up"
dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business.  After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to
talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.  She never moved,
talked or even groaned...  how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she farted
and flew out the window!"

***************************************************************************

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the
usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but
you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated
the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his
manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's
your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

***************************************************************************

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening and it reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her),
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
 

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as
follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him),
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You
being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54
many many more times than 54 goes into 18!

***************************************************************************

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk
around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I
should ask you".

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it
and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one
time around the block".  Little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and
there's another dog pushing her home".

***************************************************************************

  ***************************************************************************

***************************************************************************

TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

 10.  "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

  9.  "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
  that time management course you sent me to."

  8. "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here  just in time!"

  7. "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the mission statement  and envisioning a new paradigm."

 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

  5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

  4. "Why did you interrupt me?  I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

 3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

  And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
  1. ". .. in Jesus' name.  Amen.

***************************************************************************
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching
the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

  "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

  "Gee, that's tough," he replied.

  "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

  "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

  "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

  "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

  "Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

***************************************************************************
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are
  hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
  blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy
  decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is
  greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His
  mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
  father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
  from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
  father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
  word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to
  school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.
  The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The
  mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come
  give your father a big hug."
***************************************************************************
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the
  lady your finest mink!"  the fellow exclaims.  So the owner of the
  shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous
  full-length coat.  As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly
  whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

  "No problem!  I'll write you a check!"

  "Very good, sir."  says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.  You may
  come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

  So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the fellow returns.  The
  store owner is outraged,  "How dare you show your face in here?! There
  wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!"

  "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
  wonderful weekend of my life!"

***************************************************************************
  After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John
      decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love,
      auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics
      school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John
      worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same
      proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students
      completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took
      the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed
      that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would
      be returned.

      The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a
      score of 150% for his exam.

      John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could
      do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of
      150%?"

      The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly
      disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly
      reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having
      done all of it through the muffler."

***************************************************************************
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
  toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
  turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
  out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
 assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
  to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
  her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
  he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
  then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
  When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

  The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
  insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the
  kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to
  the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
  he's going to be when he grows older?!"

***************************************************************************
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service
  during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
  aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping
  boot camp.

  The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the
  best flier on the base. All they could do was give him
  his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft
  carrier in the Pacific.

  On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly
  shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000
  ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all
  down, too.

  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
  circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
  on the deck.

  He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over
  to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir,
  how did I do on my very first day?"

  The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You
  make one velly impoltant mistake!"

***************************************************************************
A blond left her car out in a hail storm.

  When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered
with small dents.

  She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

  The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be
removed.

  She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.

  Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was
  blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

  The other blond responded,

  "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

***************************************************************************
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and
the brick pig.

 One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm
 gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down." So he did!  So the straw
 pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please,
 the wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.

 Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm going to huff and puff and blow your
 house down!" And he did!  So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running
 over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in!  The wolf just blew down
 our houses and we're scared!!!"  So the brick pig let them in.

 The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm going to huff, and puff and blow
 your house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the
 stick pig were so scared!  But the brick pig picked up the phone and called
 a friend.

 A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove
 up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge
 pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to
 beat the crap out of him.  One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the
 wolf's mouth. Then they left the wolf for dead, got back into their limo and
drove off.

 The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!!  They asked the brick pig,
 "Who the hell were those guys?"  And the brick pig said "Oh, those are my
 cousins...the Guinea Pigs.

***************************************************************************
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
    relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their
    separate beds,  however the man was not yet ready to slumber.The man
    called over to his wife  "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."

    So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband.  On
    the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with
    a concerned look on his face says "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on
   her  little nosey-wosey?"

    The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.  The two have passionate sex
    and afterwards the woman rolls out.

    As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
    carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at
    his wife lying on the floor and says,

    "Clumsy bitch."

***************************************************************************
"Tax Humor"

 A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms
 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms
 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following
 letter to the IRS:

 I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
 cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable
 income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

 Sincerely,
 Taxpayer
 P. S.  If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
__________________________________________________________

 "1040 Mistake"

 Called in for an audit, the young man was
 confronted by a surly IRS agent.

 "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor
 -- yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must
 be a mistake."

 Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied,

 "Yup, it surely was."
 ____________________________________________________________

 "IRS Heart Transplant"

 A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two
 white coated doctors searching through the flower
 beds.

 "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

 "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a
 heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and
 want to find a suitable stone."

***************************************************************************
On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
  from her pupils.  The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it,
  held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."

  "That's right" the boy replied, "but how did you know?"

  "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

  The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.  The teacher held
  her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what this is,
  a box of candy."

  "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

  "Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said. The next gift was from the
  son of the liquor store owner.  The teacher held it overhead, but it was
  leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched
  it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.

  "No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student
  to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.
  The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
  to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.

  "No," the clearly delighted boy answered.  Once again the teacher
  tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?"

  The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"

***************************************************************************
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
  he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
  mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
  between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

  Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
  remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a
  casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon
  checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
  programs.

  Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
  luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

  On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a
  speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

  This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
  Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

  When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
  backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of
  his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

  As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
  shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex! You'll get sex when the kid
  next door walks on the moon!"

***************************************************************************

   A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey,  pack your bags.  I won the lottery."   The husband says, "Wow!
That's great!  Should I pack for the ocean, or  should I pack for the
mountains?"   She says,  "I don't care. . . Just get the fuck out.

***************************************************************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
 turned around and returned to the gate.

 After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

 A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
 "What was the problem?"

 "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
 engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took
 us a while to find a new pilot."
======
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly
  across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a
  Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

  "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Quin. "What a shameful disgrace,
  those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

  They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.  A short
  time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously
  and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

  "Did ya see that Darby?" Quin asked the other in shock and disbelief.
 "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can't understand what the
  world is coming to these days.  A man of the cloth indulging himself  in
  sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

  Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house
looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

  "Oh no, Darby look!" said Quin, removing his cap.  "One of the poor girls musta died."
======
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
 stops for a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign
 on the door saying
 ======
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.  The truck driver says
he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling.  The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around
 his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.  The bartender, without
saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.  The
 truck driver asks him why he did that.  The bartender said not
to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and
are in season now.  You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid an
accident, and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the freeway.  He jumps out and sees
a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are
all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load.  So remembering what
happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting
away, felling several of them instantly.  A highway patrol
officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming
 at him to stop.

 The truck driver said, "What's wrong?  I thought nerds were
 in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman,
"But you can't bait 'em."
=======

  During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President
  Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for
  two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the
  waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit
  was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the
  matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
  the White House to be with his family.

  A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
  tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced
  his meeting with the President was a failure.

  Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton
  just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you
  agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered,
  "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
=====

  An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
  seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

  The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
  then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
  handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
  Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
  had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
  twice.

  Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the
  air  and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was
  setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia
  they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
  drank out of the same glass twice.

  Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
  and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
  bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
  Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
 =====

  A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
  stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

  "Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch
  sprechen?" he says.

  The two Englishmen just stare at him.

  "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

  The two continue to stare.

  "Parlare Italiano?"  No response.

  "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"  Still nothing.

  The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and
  frustrated.

  The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
  "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."

  "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four
  languages, and that didn't do him any good!"
  =====
   As a retired old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
 heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.  Please be
 carefull!"

  "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
   >>
A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
  wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what
  happened.

  "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
  golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
  We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one
  of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
  the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the
  middle of the cow's butt.

  That's when I made my mistake."

  "What did you do?" asked the doctor.

  "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the missus,

  "This one here looks like yours!"
  ======
  A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor a man gets on
who is just perfect; three piece suit, great build, nice butt.
  Unfortunately they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man exited
the elevator at the 5th floor.  Once the doors closed the brunette turned to
the blonde and she said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders."
 To which the blonde replied. "how do you give shoulders"?
  ======
 If Men Really Ruled The World

 Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
  call to her real number.

   Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
  response to  "I love you."

  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
 she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
 time-out.

 Breaking up would be a lot easier.  A smack to the ass and a "Nice
 hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

 Birth control would come in ale or lager.

  The movie "Titanic" would have never been made.

 Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team
  of your choice.

 The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO

  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
  acceptable excuse for tardiness.

  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
  your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
 your
 car like Fred Flintstone.

  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
 "public ugliness" ordinance.

  Tanks would be far easier to rent.

  Garbage would take itself out.

 Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

 Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
  wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
  drinking. Mother's Day, too.

  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, But it
  would
 be celebrated every month.

  Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
  pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

  Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
 the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
  world history.

  The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
 losers.

  The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
  Football from a Different Camera Angle.

  It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
  returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

  Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
 with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
    Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
   Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
======

 Maria is a devout Catholic.   She gets married and has 17 children, then
 her husband dies.   She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children
 by her second husband.   She dies.

 At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
 coffin,  looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally
 together."

 A man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do  you mean
 her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

  The priest says, "I mean her legs."
======

 At long last, a handle that might stick: Chief Walking Eagle.

 Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton.  The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

 When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
 replied,  I don't know. I never had one.

 If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you
had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
 photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

 Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
 time...?"  Bill Clinton replied, "No.  Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"

 Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
 president.  So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

 American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of crap that he can't fly.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund (SS) as insane as
 putting in a draft-dodger as Commander-in-Chief?

 Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders:  Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

 Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know
it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
 think you need to know."
 =====
  An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid
their wives are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most
stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last
week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...

  The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a
brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...

  The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my
wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I
watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she
doesn't even have a penis...
=====
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long
 life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
 Cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he
 lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28
 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in
 the wall of the crematorium.
 ======
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers.

 Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
 slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

 The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."

 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind
him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

 Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate."

 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."
====
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?

 On the cage, a Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the
 scientific name in Latin.

 A Southern zoo will have the  name of the animal and the recipe...
====
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise
  for the following reasons:

 - has to work hard;
 - has to work at great depths;
 - has to work upside down;
 - has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
  - has to work in a high humidity environment;
  - has to work at high temperatures;
 - does not get weekends and holidays off;
 - does not get time off after extra hours of work;
 - has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional
sickness.

 Request denied for the following reasons:
 - does not work 8 hours in a row;
 - does not answer immediately to all requests;
 - does not have a degree;
 - after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
 - shows no fidelity to the workplace;
 - retires too early;
 - does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
 - does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
====

   A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his
 front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had
 to get rid of it.  So, he called the sanitation department, the
 health department, and several other agencies, but no one
 seemed able to help him.

 In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked
 what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad
 day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your
 job to bury the dead."

 The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I
 should at least notify the next-of-kin."
====
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He
 orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and
 two large meaty objects.
 "What's this?" he asks.
 "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
 "What are cojones?" the man asks.
 "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull
 who lost at the arena this afternoon."

 At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type,
 he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is
 quite delicious.

 In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and
 order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty
 objects are much smaller.
 "What's this?" he asks the waiter.
 "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
 "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they
 were much bigger than these."

 "Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every
 time."
 

o2@olivija.com

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