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Comedian 11
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A
keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
In fact it was the biggest
store in
the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have
you ever been a salesman
before?"
"Yes,
I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can
start tomorrow
and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day
was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around.
The boss arrived
and asked,
"How many sales did you make today?"
"One,"
said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss.
"Most
of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Thirty-eight
thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How
did you
manage
that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well"
said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook andfinally
a really
large hook. Then I sold him small fishing line, a medium one and a huge
big one. "I asked him where
he
was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down
to the
boat department and sold him that 22 foot schooner with the twin engines.
Then he said his VW
probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold
him a new SUV."
The
boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a
fish hook?"
"No," answered
the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to
him,
"Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.""
********************************
A sweet
little boy made his grandmother a cup of coffee and carried it to her one
morning.
He watched her sip the coffee and excitedly waited for her verdict on its
quality.
The
grandmother had never tasted such bad coffee in all her life but somehow
she managed to
get it
down. When she had finally reached the last sip, she noticed three of those
little green
plastic
Army men floating in the bottom of the cup.
"Honey,
why are there three little green Army men in my coffee cup?" she asked.
"You know,
Grandma," said the little boy. "It's like they say on TV: the best part
of waking up is
soldiers
in your cup!"
***************************************************************************
PIRATE SHIPS
Long ago,
when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger
of being boarded by a
pirate
ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate,
"Bring me my red shirt!"
The First
Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to
battle
the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the
crew, the pirates were
repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding
parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring
me my red shirt!"
And once
again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, however
thistime
more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on
deck that night
recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir, why
did
you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain,
giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I
am wounded in battle,
the red
shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue tofight unafraid...
The men
sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the
next morning, the
lookout
screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties
on their way. The
men became
silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain,
calm
as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
***************************************************************************
Two lovers
who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either
died, the other one
remaining
would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after
their dying. As luck
would have
it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to
her word, his sweetheart tried
to contact
him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the
seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice
answered
her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha
tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful.
There are azure skies,
a soft
breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"Well what
do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise,
eat some good
breakfast,
and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until
two and then have more
sex until
about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep
about 11 PM."
Martha
was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven?
I'm not in heaven Martha."
"Well then
where are you?"
"I'm a
rabbit in Arizona."
***************************************************************************
A Fable By Mark Twain
Harper's
Monthly (Dec. 1909)
Once upon
a time an artist who had painted a small and very beautiful picture placed
it so that he could see
it in the
mirror. He said, "This doubles the distance and softens it, and it is twice
as lovely as it was before."
The animals
out in the woods heard of this through the housecat, who was greatly admired
by them because
he was
so learned, and so refined and civilized, and so polite and high-bred,
and could tell them so much which they didn't know before, and were not
certain about afterward. They were much excited about this new piece
of gossip, and they asked questions, so as to get at a full understanding
of it. They asked what a picture was,
and the
cat explained. "It is a flat thing," he said; "wonderfully flat,
marvellously flat, enchantingly flat and elegant. And, oh, so beautiful!"
That excited them almost to a frenzy, and they said they would give the
world
to see
it. Then the bear asked "What is it that makes it so beautiful?"
"It is the looks of it," said the cat.
This filled
them with admiration and uncertainty, and they were more excited than ever.
Then the cow asked: "What is a mirror?" "It is a hole in the wall,"
said the cat. "You look in it, and there you see the picture, and it
is so dainty
and charming and ethereal and inspiring in its unimaginable beauty that
your head turns round
and round,
and you almost swoon with ecstasy."
The ass
had not said anything as yet; he now began to throw doubts. He said there
had never been anything as beautiful as this before, and probably wasn't
now. He said that when it took a whole basketful of sesquipedalian adjectives
to whoop up a thing of beauty, it was time for suspicion. It was easy to
see that these doubts were having an effect upon the animals, so the cat
went off offended. The subject was dropped for a couple of days, but in
the mean time curiosity was taking a fresh start, and there was a revival
of interest perceptible.
Then the
animals assailed the ass for spoiling what could possibly have been a pleasure
to them, on a mere suspicion that the picture was not beautiful, without
any evidence that such was the case. The ass was not troubled; he was calm,
and said there was one way to find out who was in the right, himself or
the cat: he would go and look in that hole, and come back and tell what
he found there. The animals felt relieved and grateful, and asked him to
go at once -- which he did. But he did not know where he ought to stand;
and so, through error,
he stood
between the picture and the mirror. The result was that the picture had
no chance, and didn't show up. He returned home and said:
"The cat
lied. There was nothing in that hole but an ass. There wasn't a sign of
a flat thing visible. It was a handsome ass, and friendly, but just an
ass, and nothing more."
The elephant
asked: "Did you see it good and clear? Were you close to it?" "I saw it
good
and clear, O Hathi,
King of
Beasts. I was so close that I touched noses with it." "This is very strange,"
said the elephant; "the cat was always truthful before -- as far as we
could make out. Let another witness try. Go, Baloo, look in the hole, and
come and report."
So the
bear went. When he came back, he said: "Both the cat and the ass have lied;
there was nothing in the hole but a bear." Great was the surprise
and puzzlement of the animals. Each was now anxious to make the test himself
and get at the straight truth. The elephant sent them one at a time.
First,
the cow. She found nothing in the hole but a cow.
The tiger
found nothing in it but a tiger..The lion found nothing in it but a lion.
The leopard
found nothing in it but a leopard. The camel found a camel, and nothing
more.
Then Hathi
was wroth, and said he would have the truth, if he had to go and fetch
it himself. When he
returned,
he abused his whole subjectry for liars, and was in an unappeasable fury
with the moral and mental
blindness
of the cat. He said that anybody but a near-sighted fool could see that
there was nothing in the
hole but
an elephant.
MORAL, BY THE CAT
You can
find in a text whatever you bring, if you will stand between it and the
mirror of your imagination.
You
may not see you ears, but they will be there.
The
bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again.
The patrons
chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender
still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The
bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The
father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!" The
bartender
ignores the whole affair.
By now
the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs
his drink and guzzles
the last
of it.
Swoooop!
Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and
tearfully thanks God.
The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the
right... right through the
front door,
into
the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans
in grief.
The
bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
***************************************************************************
Just a passing moment in the un-recorded annals of time.
Some animals are more equal than others.
A horse
and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole
and is sinking.He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help
pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't
be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties
some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the
rope to his friend, the horse, and
drives
the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days
later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken
fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some
help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can
stand over
the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for
my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself
to safety.
The moral
of the story:
If you
are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE
Men are
like vinyl floors. If you lay it right the first time you can walk
all over it forever.
***************************************************************************
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their tires. -Dorothy Parker |
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you're down there |
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the beaches all over the world. |
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the work canning vegetables!? |
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Marooned
An ambitious
yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and
proceeded
to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man
found himself swept up on the
shore of
an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and
coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has
ever seen
rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How
did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material
I found on the island; the oars
were whittled
from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides
and stern
came from
a Eucalyptus tree." "But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the
man. "You had no tools or
hardware.
How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The
guy is stunned.
"Let's
row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small
wharf.
As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him
is a stone walk leading
to an exquisite
bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat
with an
expertly
woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down please;
would you
like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't
take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?"
Trying
to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on
her couch to talk.
After they
have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
in the cabinet,
is a razor
made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened
on to
its end
inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This
woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines--strategically
positioned-- and smelling
faintly
of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
begins, suggestively,
slithering
closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been
lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all
these months?
You know..." She stares into his eyes.
He
can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean-- ?", he swallows
excitedly,
"-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"
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New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace. |
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Old Age:
70-year-old
George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal
results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with
yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied,
"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it
so that when I get up in the middle of thenight to go
to the
bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light
goesoff when I'm done."
"Wow,"
commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr.
Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically
he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship
with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light
goes on in the
bathroom,
and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That
old fool!
He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
***************************************************************************
A Christmas
Celebration
After
Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students
how they
celebrated
Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store,
she said,
"Sammy,
since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied,
"Oh yes,
we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing,
'What A
Friend We Have In Jesus.'
***************************************************************************
Julie, the
blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the
nicer, richer
neighborhoods
around town and look for odd jobs asa handy woman.
The first
house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah,I
have a job for you.
How would
you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well,
how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all
right?" Julie asked.
"Yeah,
great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man
went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty
bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"asked
the wife.
"Well,
she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45
minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
she told
the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah,"
Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man
reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and
by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals. |
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pattern over Philadelphia. |
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but, when it's gone you wonder. Whatever made you bite? |
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| Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. - - - Sean Connery |
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~~~~~
Ten Dollahs ~~~~~
Stumpy
Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year
they went to the Portland Fair,
and every
year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah
aihplane". An every year
Martha
would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and
ten dollahs is ten
dollahs".
So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this
time I may nevah go".
Martha
replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs
is ten dollahs".
So the
pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take
you both up for a ride, and if you
can stay
quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but
just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go...the pilot
does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is
heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands. He
turns to Stumpy as they come to a
stop and
says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out,
but you didn't!" And
Stumpy
replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten
dollahs is ten dollahs!"
***************************************************************************
A blonde
decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or
prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into
motion. It gallops along
at a steady
and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs
for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries
to throw her arms around the
horse's
neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. the
horse gallops along, seemingly
imperious
to it slipping rider. Finally giving up her frail grip, she leaps
away from the horse to try
and throw
herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in
the stirrup and she
is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves asher head is struck against
the ground again
and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness
when.......the Wal- Mart manager runs out and shuts off the horse.
***************************************************************************
Police
arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson
will be charged with lewd
and lascivious
behavior, public indecency and public intoxication, at the County
courthouse on Monday.
The suspect
allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to
stop. "You know,
a pumpkin
is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought
there wasn't."
he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson
went on to
state that
he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt
was appropriate to
his purposes,
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I
guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process,
Davidson
apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching
and was unaware
of his
audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was
an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked
up to (Davidson) and he's..
......just
working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened
when she approached
Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
doing it with a
pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the
face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
***************************************************************************
Question
and infamous answers
If
you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer:
I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
we were supposed to live
forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I
would not live forever.
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
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Outside
of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates inthe country.
-Mayor
Marion Barry, Washington, DC
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I've
never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
-----------------------------------------------------
Whenever
I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't
help but cry. I mean I'd
love to
be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-Mariah Carey, pop singer
-----------------------------------------------------
"I'm
not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president."
-Hillary
Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"The
police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve
disorder."
-Former
Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 DemocraticParty convention
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China
is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. -Former French President Charles
de Gaulle
-----------------------------------------------------
I
haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-David
Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay
his taxes.
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The
Internet is a great way to get on the Net.-Republican presidential candidate
Bob Dole
-----------------------------------------------------
Things
are more like they are now than they ever were before.-Former U.S. President
Dwight D. Eisenhower
-----------------------------------------------------
Traditionally,
most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
-Former
Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
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We're
going to turn this team around 360 degrees.-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting
to the Dallas Mavericks
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Researchers
have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the
brain as
marijuana....
The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but
can't remember
what they
are. -Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
-----------------------------------------------------
"It's
like an Alcatraz around my neck." -Boston mayor Menino on the shortage
of city parking spaces
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"Half
this game is ninety percent mental." -Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny
Ozark
-----------------------------------------------------
Why isn't
this working........oops!-Mary Handly,
clerk at
Family Christian Stores, attempting to operate one of the store's high-tech
registers.
------------------------------------------------------
They're
multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
-Pratt & Whitney
spokesperson
explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary
pair of pliers.
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It
is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.-Former U.S. Vice-President
Dan Quayle
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I
was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder
in school
so I could converse with those people. -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan
Quayle
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It
isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our
air and water that are doing it.
-Former
U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
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The
streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-Frank
Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
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Smoking
kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-Brooke Shields, during an
interview
to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
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The
president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. -Clinton aide
George Stephanopolous
speaking
on "Larry King Live"
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After
finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school
board is extremely pleased
to announce
the appointment of David Steele to the position.
-Philip
Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
-----------------------------------------------------
That
lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it.
-A
congressional candidate in Texas
-----------------------------------------------------
Without
censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
-General
William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
***************************************************************************
A Rabbit's
Thesis
One sunny
day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.
The day was so nice
that she
became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really,
not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and
read it for yourself.
If you
are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really
are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went
with the rabbit.
The fox
never came out.
A few days
later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough,
a wolf came out
of the
bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never came out.
The rabbit
finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch.
Another rabbit came along
and asked,
"What's up? You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together
they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw
the typical graduate student
abode,
a rather messy one after writing a thesis.
The computer
with the controversial work was in one corner. To the right there was a
pile of fox bones, to the
left a
pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title
of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject
doesn't matter.
The research
doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.
***************************************************************************
Bubba was
as usual bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know
everyone
there is to know. Just name someone - anyone - and I know them."
Tired of
his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom
Cruise?"
"Sure, yes,
Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Bubba
and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door and
sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and
your friend
come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although
impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's
house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President
Clinton,"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's
fly out
to Washington."
And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour
and motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise! I was
just on
my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's
have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the
boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba
who again
challenges him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!"
says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long
time."
So off they
fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses
in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't
catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the
guards
too, so they'll let
me just
go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears
into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough,
half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a
heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss'
side, Bubba's
boss asks
you and
the Pope came out on the balcony but then, the man next to me said,
"Who's
that on the balcony
with Bubba?"
***************************************************************************
Fatherhood
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant,
she saw on his
face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantmen
skepticism.
Senator Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you run for Senate when you'v
never
held a real job?"
Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I
served through
two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by anti-aircraft fire on
12 different
occasions. I was in the space program.
It wasn't my checkbook; it was my life on the line. It was not a 9 to 5
job, where I took
time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank.
I ask you to go with me..as I went the other day...to a Veterans Hospital,
and look at those
men with their mangled bodies in the eye and tell them they didn't hold
a job.
You go with me to the space program and go, as I have gone, to the widows
and orphans
of Ed White and Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee, and you look those kids
in the eye and
tell them that their dad didn't hold a job.
You go with me on Memorial Day coming up, and you stand in Arlington National
Cemetery, where I have more friends than I'd like to remember - and you
watch those
waving flags, and you stand there, and think about this nation, and you
tell me that those
people didn't have a job.
I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum, you should be on your knees every day
of your life
thanking God that there were some men - SOME MEN - who held a job. And
they required
a dedication to purpose and a love of country and a dedication to duty
that was more
important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this
country possible...
I HAVE HELD A JOB, HOWARD! What about you?"
Thoughts To Live By: Miracles
The miracle
is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walkon the earth.
***************************************************************************
A COUPLE FROM ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS
A wedding story...( As only a child could do...)
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the
aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn
to the crowd (alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While
facing the crowd, he would put
his hands up like claws and roar...so it went,
step, step, ROAR, step,
step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As
you can imagine, the crowd was near
tears from laughing so hard by the time
he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more
and more distressed from
all the laughing, and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being
the Ring Bear..."
***************************************************************************
A
three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On
returning
home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy
kittens
and 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mom asked.
"Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, " think it's
printed
on the bottom."
____________________________________________
Another
three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed
the
left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the
wrong
feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't
kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."
_____________________________________________
On
the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If
anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A
little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
_____________________________________________
A
mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting
away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and
spread
them all over the table.
"What
are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The
box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
______________________________________________
"Can
people predict the future with cards?" said one little boy to
another.
"My mother can," said the other boy.
"Really?"
"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me
exactly
what will happen when my Dad gets home."
_______________________________________________
A
father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man
named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his
wife
looked back and was turned to salt."
His
son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
_______________________________________________
A
four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was
reciting
it all by herself without help from her mother. She said "And
lead
us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
________________________________________________
Where's
the English Channel?
I
don't know, our television doesn't pick it up.
________________________________________________
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Bryan, 3. The
boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw
the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here,
He would
say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned
to his younger brother and said, "Bryan, you be Jesus!
***************************************************************************
The
Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12.
Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes
back on.
11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
10.
Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his
middle finger.
9.
Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly
racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7.
His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle
of Jagermeister
6.
During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or
I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5.
Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of
sweet, sweet love."
4.
His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into
"liquid gold" -- eventually.
3.
Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of
The Magnificent Flatulo.
2.
Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one I'm going
to need to borrow your bra."
1.
Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
"Ohshitohshitohshit!!"
***************************************************************************
Two brothers
grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them
decided
he'd go up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home
and look
after the family farm and their parents.
The one
up North became a salesman and was soon sales manager, and then vice
president
and president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out
by a big
company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent
company.
One day
he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said...
'Daddy
died, and the funeral is Friday.'
He said,
'Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in
Japan.
I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can
get and
send the bill to me. It's the least I can do.'
Well, the
brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a
bill for
$6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking
they had
forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100
came, and
he paid that one, too. When another $100 charge arrived the third
month,
he called his brother and asked why he kept getting these bills.
'Oh, yes,'
the brother said, 'I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed
up in his
old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining
and all,
he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented
him a tuxedo.'
***************************************************************************
Two elderly
gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed
to visit a cat-house for some tail.....
When they
arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to
waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up"
dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to
talking.
The first
man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved,
talked
or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well,"
said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she farted
and flew
out the window!"
***************************************************************************
A man lay
sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the
usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but
you're
only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher
became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going
to have
to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated
the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his
manager.
In a few
moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together
the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's
your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
***************************************************************************
A 54 year
old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening
and it reads:
Dear Wife
(that's what he called her),
I am 54
and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with
my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he
arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as
follows:
Dear Husband
(that's what she called him),
I too am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Hilton
Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You
being an
accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54
many many
more times than 54 goes into 18!
***************************************************************************
A little
girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl
goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk
around
the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I
should
ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took
a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it
and said,
"Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one
time around
the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no
dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl
said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and
there's
another dog pushing her home".
***************************************************************************
***************************************************************************
***************************************************************************
TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9.
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5.
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And
the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. ". .. in Jesus' name. Amen.
***************************************************************************
A man in
a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching
the friend
he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
***************************************************************************
At school,
a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy
decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is
greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to
school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The
mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come
give your father a big hug."
***************************************************************************
A man and
a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the
lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of
the
shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous
full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly
whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very
good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday.
You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So
the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The
store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There
wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I
just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"
***************************************************************************
After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John
decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love,
auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics
school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John
worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same
proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students
completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took
the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed
that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would
be returned.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a
score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could
do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of
150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly
disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly
reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having
done all of it through the muffler."
***************************************************************************
One evening
a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it
out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.
As they
were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The
mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out
to the
kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to
the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?!"
***************************************************************************
It seems
that a young man volunteered for military service
during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for
aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping
boot camp.
The
very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the
best flier on the base. All they could do was give him
his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft
carrier in the Pacific.
On
his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly
shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000
ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all
down, too.
Noting
that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
on the deck.
He
threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over
to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir,
how did I do on my very first day?"
The
captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You
make one velly impoltant mistake!"
***************************************************************************
A blond
left her car out in a hail storm.
When
the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered
with small
dents.
She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.
The
mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be
removed.
She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.
Another
blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was
blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blond responded,
"That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"
***************************************************************************
Once upon
a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and
the brick
pig.
One
day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm
gonna
huff, and puff and blow your house down." So he did! So the straw
pig
went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please,
the
wolf just blew down my house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in.
Then
the wolf showed up and said, "I'm going to huff and puff and blow your
house
down!" And he did! So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running
over
to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew
down
our
houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let them in.
The
wolf caught up with them and said "I'm going to huff, and puff and blow
your
house down." While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the
stick
pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and called
a
friend.
A
few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limo drove
up.
Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. These huge
pigs
came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to
beat
the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into
the
wolf's
mouth. Then they left the wolf for dead, got back into their limo and
drove off.
The
straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig,
"Who
the hell were those guys?" And the brick pig said "Oh, those are
my
cousins...the
Guinea Pigs.
***************************************************************************
A man comes
home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their
separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.The man
called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband.
On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with
a concerned look on his face says "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on
her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex
and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the
carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at
his wife lying on the floor and says,
"Clumsy bitch."
***************************************************************************
"Tax Humor"
A
couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms
51:2-4
(knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms
52:3-4
(lies and deceit), a man wrote the following
letter
to the IRS:
I
have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
cheated
on my income tax. I understated my taxable
income,
and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
Sincerely,
Taxpayer
P.
S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
__________________________________________________________
"1040 Mistake"
Called
in for an audit, the young man was
confronted
by a surly IRS agent.
"It
says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor
--
yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must
be
a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied,
"Yup,
it surely was."
____________________________________________________________
"IRS Heart Transplant"
A
new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two
white
coated doctors searching through the flower
beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No,"
replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a
heart
transplant for an income-tax inspector and
want
to find a suitable stone."
***************************************************************************
On a special
Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook
it,
held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers."
"That's right" the boy replied, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The
next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what this is,
a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh,
just a wild guess," the teacher said. The next gift was from the
son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but
it was
leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched
it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No"
the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student
to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No,"
the clearly delighted boy answered. Once again the teacher
tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!"
***************************************************************************
When Apollo
Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for
mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just
before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic
remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a
casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon
checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space
programs.
Over
the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On
July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a
speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.
This
time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil
Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When
he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of
his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex! You'll get sex when the kid
next door walks on the moon!"
***************************************************************************
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says,
"Wow!
That's
great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the
mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. . . Just get the fuck out.
***************************************************************************
Taxiing
down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned
around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What
was the problem?"
"The
pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine,"
explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took
us
a while to find a new pilot."
======
A pair
of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly
across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a
Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would
ya look at that Darby!" said Quin. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They
both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short
time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did
ya see that Darby?" Quin asked the other in shock and disbelief.
"Is
nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what
the
world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself
in
sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not
long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about
the house
looking
around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the
door.
"Oh
no, Darby look!" said Quin, removing his cap. "One of the poor girls
musta died."
======
A truck
driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign
on
the door saying
======
"NERDS
NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes
in and sits down.
The bartender
comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy,
asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says
he drives
a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves
him a beer.
As he is
sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around
his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and
pencils,
and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without
saying
a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
truck
driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not
to worry,
the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and
are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck
driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an
accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers
spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees
a crowd
already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are
all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
clothes
he has ever seen.
He can't
let them steal his whole load. So remembering what
happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting
away, felling
several of them instantly. A highway patrol
officer
comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming
at
him to stop.
The
truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were
in
season."
"Well, sure."
said the patrolman,
"But you
can't bait 'em."
=======
During
his visit to the United States the Pope met with President
Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for
two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the
waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit
was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the
matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
the White House to be with his family.
A
few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced
his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous,
one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton
just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you
agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered,
"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
=====
An
American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The
American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.
Next
the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the
air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was
setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia
they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next
the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
=====
A
Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung
Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch
sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The
Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted and
frustrated.
The
first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."
"Why?"
says the other, "That bloke knew four
languages, and that didn't do him any good!"
=====
As a retired old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please
be
carefull!"
"Hell,"
said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
>>
A man walked
into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what
happened.
"Well,
it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up
the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in
the
middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the missus,
"This
one here looks like yours!"
======
A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator. On the 3rd floor a man gets
on
who is
just perfect; three piece suit, great build, nice butt.
Unfortunately they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man exited
the elevator
at the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to
the blonde
and she said, "Someone should give him Head and Shoulders."
To
which the blonde replied. "how do you give shoulders"?
======
If
Men Really Ruled The World
Any
fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When
your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
Breaking
up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The movie "Titanic" would have never been made.
Each
year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team
of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO
"Sorry
I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At
the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into
your
car
like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards
could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public
ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead
of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
On
Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St.
Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, But it
would
be
celebrated every month.
Cops
would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and
Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in
world history.
The
victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.
The
only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It
would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When
a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with
would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
======
Maria
is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children,
then
her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children
by
her second husband. She dies.
At
her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally
together."
A
man standing next to him asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The
priest says, "I mean her legs."
======
At long last, a handle that might stick: Chief Walking Eagle.
Chrysler
Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton.
The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When
Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied,
I don't know. I never had one.
If
you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you
had a choice
between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning
photograph,
what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea
asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"
Clinton's
mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
American
Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because
he is so full of crap that he can't fly.
Isn't putting
Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund (SS) as insane as
putting
in a draft-dodger as Commander-in-Chief?
Clinton
only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders:
Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
Revised
judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know
it, the
whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think
you need to know."
=====
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid
their wives
are... The English man says: You know my wife must be the most
stupid
woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last
week, she
bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The
Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a
brand new
car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The
Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my
wife told
me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I
watched
her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she
doesn't
even have a penis...
=====
A man once
counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long
life,
the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his
Cornflakes
every morning. The son did this religiously, and he
lived
to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28
grand-children,
35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in
the
wall of the crematorium.
======
During
the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
flight
was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced
travelers.
Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight
and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
The
agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
The
passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind
him could
hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without
hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout
the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the
gate."
With
the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United
agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"
Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in
line for that, too."
====
What's
the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo?
On
the cage, a Yankee zoo will have the name of the animal and the
scientific
name in Latin.
A
Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe...
====
The male
sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise
for the following reasons:
-
has to work hard;
-
has to work at great depths;
-
has to work upside down;
-
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
-
does not get weekends and holidays off;
-
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
-
has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional
sickness.
Request
denied for the following reasons:
-
does not work 8 hours in a row;
-
does not answer immediately to all requests;
-
does not have a degree;
-
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
-
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
-
retires too early;
-
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
-
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
====
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his
front
yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had
to
get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the
health
department, and several other agencies, but no one
seemed
able to help him.
In
desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked
what
should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad
day.
"Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your
job
to bury the dead."
The
pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I
should
at least notify the next-of-kin."
====
A man travels
to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He
orders
the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and
two
large meaty objects.
"What's
this?" he asks.
"Cojones,
senor," the waiter replies.
"What
are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones,"
the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull
who
lost at the arena this afternoon."
At
first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type,
he
decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is
quite
delicious.
In
fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and
order
it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty
objects
are much smaller.
"What's
this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones,
senor," the waiter replies.
"No,
no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they
were
much bigger than these."
"Senor,"
the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every
time."