Comedian 10

An Artist Life for Me

What do you call an artist without a lover? Homeless.
What's the only question an artist can't answer? "What is a W2 Form?"
Q:  What do modern artists and parrots have in common?
A:  When their feathers are ruffled, they're probably putting crap on paper.
Q:  Why are artists like kittens?            A:When they finally open their eyes, they don't have any money.
An artist prayed every day, year after year, for God to let him win the lottery. Finally, one day, the artist became so frustrated he took a blank canvas and wrote "God is dead" in big red letters. A thundering voice came out of nowhere and God said, " Oh come on! At least meet me half way and buy a lottery ticket."
Q.  What do you get if you take all the artists in the world and lay them end to end?
                 A.  About a seven day drive to find the one with his own lighter.
Q. How do you get people to pay good money for a refrigerator that doesn'twork?
A. Kill the artist.
Q. What is the farthest thing from an artist's mind?
A. Whatever is directly in front of him.
A gallery owner walks past a man who is squatting with his pants down
around his ankles crapping on a busy  sidewalk in New York. She stops,
turns back to the man and asks: "Have I seen your work before?"
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three. Two to hold the giraffe and another to pour the pudding in the bath tub.
Q. When do people quit studying a painting at a gallery opening?
A. When nobody is looking.
Q. What's the range of a minimalist painting?
A. As far as you can throw it.
Q. What's the difference between Western Art and an onion?
A. You cry when you chop up an onion.
Q. When is the best time to listen to artists describe their work? 
A. While you're vacuuming.
Q.What's the longest an artist can live on nothing but pasta?
A. 20 th grade.
Q. How many Western artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. All of them.
Q. How do you keep an artist from making money?
A. Just stand back and watch.
Q. Why don't artists compete in the Indy 500?
A. Because none of them have cars.
Q. Did you hear about the really brilliant Western artist?   A.  Neither did I.
Q. Why do you bury an artist 12 feet in the ground?
A. Because deep down they're truly happy people.
Q. How can you make an artist lose 400 pounds?
    A. You cut off his head.

A man in New York went into a store to buy a can of Campbell's soup.
While paying for it the cashier told him he couldn't return it. The man
thought her comment was quite strange but he of course bought the soup
anyway. As he was walking home he noticed a gallery owner was following
him. As he walked faster, so did she. Soon it became apparent to the man
that hundreds of gallery owners were following him, all of them
dressed in black. The man stopped walking in order to confront the
crowd, but they surrounded him. They all began to grab desperately at
the can of soup. The man somehow struggled free with the soup still in
his possession. He ran towards the river and threw the can into it. All
of the gallery owners followed the can into the river and drowned. Glad
the ordeal was finally over, the man returned to the store to get
another can of soup. While paying for it the cashier said: "I told you
you couldn't return it."

What do you call a thousand art installations at the bottom of the
ocean?  A good start.

Where is Western Art at its best?
In a galaxy far, far away.

Why do artists want so badly to tell us their thoughts but go out of
their way to render their message unintelligible?
When my dog is hungry, she finds a way to convey to me that message?
"I'm hungry. I need food."  But if artists are hungry and need food,
they take rusted chains and wrap them around old VCR's.

Why do only ugly people go to the opera?

Why are people happier with print #1
when it's the same frickin thing as print #47 ?
Don't they know that artists always
take print # 47 and write print # 1 on it?

Why is it O.K. to serve cheap, crappy wine at a symphony?

Why don't curators hang out with artists?

                                     If Santa Fe art is so good then why isn't any of it in the Louvre?
Perhaps it doesn't "go".

If artists are nonconformists,then why do they all look the same?
Wouldn't a true nonconforming artist wear a suit and tie?

Why do people claim they buy art only if they "like" it but rarely buy art from
less than famous artists - even if all they can afford is a print, anyway?

 Why do artists want to better the world through art but price their work
so that only a minute percentage of people will ever see it? If artists
really want me to share in their wisdom, then why don't I have a free Warhol?

  Why does a Picasso cost more than birthing, chemotherapy, college,
puppies, homes, food, aspirin, transplants, Beethoven's Ninth and protein?

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up"-- Pablo Picasso
Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives
Among them are:
                                       His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh,
                                                His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh,
                                The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh,
The brother who worked at the convenience store - Stop'n Gogh,
                The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U gogh,
     The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh,
                                     The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh,
                                                  His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh,
                                          His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh,
       The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Grin Gogh,
                     The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh,
                                      The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh,
                                The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh,
                                            The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh,
                             His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh,
                          The Tropical fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
                   An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh,
                                  The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh,
                                A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh,

                        And his niece from Alabama who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh.
A down-on-his-luck artist visits the art gallery where all of his paintings are on display. He
sees the art dealer standing in front of the art gallery and accosts the latter, "So how did my
paintings do today?"

The art dealer smiles and says, "Well, I got good news and bad news."

"Well, give me the good news first. I haven't had such luck these days," sighs the struggling

"This morning, a gentleman walks in and asks me if it is true that when an artist dies, his
paintings will triple in value. I say yes and the gentleman then buys all 20 of your paintings on
the spot - no questions asked. He even paid cash up front!"

"Hey, that's really good news! The best I have heard in years!" shouts the artist joyfully as
he does a little jig. He then stops and asks, "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman says he's your doctor."


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last edited 5-4-2003