LAUGH AND THE WORLD LAUGHS
WITH YOU
BACK TO COMEDIAN

 For You Mary Poppins Fans:
 Ghandi, as most know, was a deeply spiritual person, who walked
 barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
Due to his particular brand of spiritualism he tended to eat little and
take most of his sustenence
from other sources causing him to appear quite thin and frail.
 Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
 Thus in his time he was referred to as a:
  super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


Digital.Laughter
Funny Video Files
Kac Space
The GUYcard Site
PUNS
 MORE PUNS
 EVEN MORE PUNS
 PUNNY PUNS
 PUN THIS
 PUN THIS ALSO

RULES FOR MEN AS DEVISED BY A WOMAN (OF COURSE)
* Call.
* Don't lie.
* Never tape any of her body parts together.
* If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
* If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
* The correct answer to 'Do I look fat?' is never, ever 'Yes.'
* Ditto for 'Is she prettier than me?'
* Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
* Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
* Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
* 'Honey', 'Darling', and 'Sweetheart' are good. 'Nag', 'Lardass', and'Bitch' are bad.
* Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
* A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
* None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
* Her cooking is excellent.
* That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
* Dish soap is your friend.
* Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
* Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
* Answering 'Who was that on the phone?' with 'Nobody' is never going to end that conversation.
* Ditto for 'Whose lipstick is this?'
* Two words: clean socks.
* Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
* Burping is not sexy.
* You're wrong.
* You're sorry.
* She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
* Ditto for your discourse on football.
* Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
* 'Will you marry me?' is good. 'Let's shack up together' is bad.
* Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
* Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
* No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that
particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
* 'But, we kiss...' is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
* Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 PM.
* Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
* Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
* If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
* Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
* Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
* Always, always suck up to her brother.
* Think boxers.
* Silk boxers.
* Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy 'anniversary' she so-names.
* Don't try to change the way she dresses.
* Her haircut is never bad.
* Don't let your friends pick on her.
* The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while
you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.


Pat's Joke Pages

Why Pumpkins are better than Men:

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
----------

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

 10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
 8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
 6.   Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
 5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
 4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
 3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2.   Less guilt the next morning.
                       AND....
 1.   You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
----------------------------------

Question:
        Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Answer:
        Because oct31=dec25.
----------------------------------

OF VAMPIRES OF OLD

Q:  What kind of dog does Dracula have?
 A:  A Bloodhound!
 Q:  Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
 A:  In a red bloodcell!
Q:  What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
 A:  Fangsgiving!
Q:  What do you give a vampire with a cold?
 A:  Coffin Drops!
Q:  Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
 A:  They would only let him be BAT boy!
Q:  Why didn't Dracula get married?
 A:  He never met a nice Ghoul!
----------------------------------

The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15.   Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14.   Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13.   Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12.   Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11.   Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma!  It's Elvis!"
 10.   After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
    clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
 9.   After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8.   No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7.   With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6.   No warm blood for miles around DC.
5.   Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4.   No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3.   Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2.   Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1.   Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
----------------------------------

           The Top 18 Least Popular Horror Movies

 18.   Tapeworm!
17.    The Texas Chainsaw Macarena
16.   Dorf on Beating Someone to Death With a Golf Club
15.   Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
14.   Iraqnophobia
13.   Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward
12.   Mr. Dole Goes to Washington
11.   101 Mutilations
10.   Attack of the Receding Hairline
9.   The Island of Dr. Perot
8.   An American Werewolf in Therapy
7.   Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew
6.   First Wives Clubbed
5.   The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre: "That shrub's gotta go!"
4.   You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown
3.   The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row
2.   April The 15th - Jason's Audit

and the Number 1 Least Popular Horror Movie...

1.   She's Wearing White After Labor Day!
------------------------

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.  She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife went up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would makefor his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time
he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.   When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my
costume to sure had a real good time!"
-------------------

A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.  The lady opens
the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"  The lady says, "Well,
aren't you cute!  What are you supposed to be?"  The boy, miffed
because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"  The lady,
not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"
The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
-------------

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near the
   door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
   "Trick or Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top Secret"
   in big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
   say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When trick-or-treaters
   come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do, have everyone yell,
   "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's
wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes an unnatural  "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, actshocked and scared, and start screaming
your head off.  Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
    candy.  Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away
from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment,
pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you
had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands.  Act surprised,
and close the door.  Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on yourporch.
    Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and
angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
------------------

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in the middle of the
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared
us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!  What are you doing working
here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"
------------------------

AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.  He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

-------------------
What do little ghosts drink?
                Evaporated milk.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
                Because people are dying to get in.

When do ghosts usually appear?
                Just before someone screams.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
                A holy terror.

Why do witches think they're funny?
                Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

How do mummies hide?
                They wear masking tape.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
                A sand witch.

Who has a broom and flies?
                A jelly-covered janitor.

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
                Five after one.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
                They have no body to dance with.

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
                You go on ahead.  I'll hang around for a while.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
                You'd get a harewolf.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
                You hear the broom boom.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
                A witch in reverse.

How do you make a milkshake?
                You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
                She flies off the handle.

Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
                Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
                It was his bat.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
                Put your boos and shocks on.

Mother vampire to son:
                Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
                Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
                "How do you boo, sir.  How do you boo."

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
                Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
                A spoiled bat.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his
back?
                "You're under a vest!"

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
                He had to give it back.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
                He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
                A dead ringer.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
                I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
                "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
                So they can fight knights.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
                In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
                She looks at her witch watch.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
                In the mirror.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
                When you're a mouse.

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
                The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

What's the best place for a mirror?
                In a graveyard.  It can double your mummy.

----------------
They threw a Halloween party. When most guests were there, the bell
rang.
There stood uncle Elroy on the doorstep, only dressed in his trousers.

'But uncle', they asked, 'what do you impersonate ???'
'Well, I am the Premature Ejaculation himself .'
'But .. ????'
'I've come in my pants.'
----------------------------------

OR GATHER YOUR FAMILY,
What do West Virginians do for Halloween
Pump-kin
------------------

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your
jack-o-lantern by
its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi
----------------------------------

WHAT TO HAVE YOUR KIDS DO,

When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead, avoid
non-nutritious candies and gums.  Instead offer celery and blue cheese

sauce platters.  While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll

undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist (Note:  House
windows should be securely boarded before attempting).

Take care to choose a Halloween personae that lends itself to
self-defense.  A wicked witch with the trademark broom has a vast
combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy.

When trying to choose an appropriate costume, be sure to select the
darkest colors available.  Go for black ninja suits or other
non-reflective garb.

Costume accessories can really make the difference.  Avoid using
plastic props.  Opt for real cutlery to stand out in the crowd.

If living in the deep rural South, avoid dressing up in a white sheet,

for any reason.  Such action can be misconstrued and ultimately lead
to grotesque bodily harm.

And for little tikes, don't garb them in a white bed sheet that's
bound to get tarnished!  To cut Halloween budget corners, use white
kitchen garbage bags.  The costume also doubles as a large goodie bag,

in the event that the feelings of asphyxiation simply become too
unbearable for the youngster.

With so much geared toward the youngest family members, awkward teens
can often feel left out.  Insist that they dress up in a costume that
will complement the young sibling's attire (Raggedy Ann and Andy,
Prince and Princess, etc.).

When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way dimly lit
areas.  Especially look for houses without *any lights on.  These are
the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially authentic and
eerie for little ghoulies.

If no unlit houses can be found in your area, you will be forced to
approach the well-lighted houses.  But don't knock on the door!
Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or rustle around in
crawl-spaces.  The resident family will appreciate your sense of
originality and will likely reward you handsomely.

After you've been trick-or-treating, simply disregard all wrapped or
"store-bought" candy.  People handing this stuff out just don't give a

damn and simply took the easy out.  Go for the home-baked goodies.

You can also look for organized community events to entertain teens.
Who can forget playing "Disintegrate The Mailbox," "Pumpkin Toss,"
"Teacher Toilet Paper Party," "Plastic Pumpkin Pillage," and "Pummel
The Ghoulies."

Before bobbing for apples at your local Halloween carnival, fill your
mouth brimming full with ketchup.  When underwater, discharge the goo,

then frantically jerk your head up out of the water screaming, "Razor!

Razor!"

--------------

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to
take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire

said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at
his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the
bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".

---------------------HALLOWEEN! -- An Introduction and an Index
========================================================

'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.

So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...

Nothing!  We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?
------------------------

'TWAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT AS I LEAPED FROM MY BED,
WITH THOUGHTS OF AMUSEMENT GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

 10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
 9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
 8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
 7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
 6.   Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else,
      because you ARE someone else.
 5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
 4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
 3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
 2.   Less guilt the next morning.
                       AND....

 1.   You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
----------------------------------

TURNED OFF MY COMPUTER AND THOUGHT AS I MAY

Question:
        Why do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Answer:
        Because oct31=dec25.
---------------------------------

OF VAMPIRES OF OLD
 

 Q:  What kind of dog does Dracula have?
 A:  A Bloodhound!

 Q:  Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
 A:  In a red bloodcell!

 Q:  What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
 A:  Fangsgiving!

 Q:  What do you give a vampire with a cold?
 A:  Coffin Drops!

 Q:  Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
 A:  They would only let him be BAT boy!

 Q:  Why didn't Dracula get married?
 A:  He never met a nice Ghoul!
---------------------------------

AND VAMPIRES OF TODAY.
Lynn @ tecinfo.com
 

  The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
 

15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
    yelling, "Look Ma!  It's Elvis!"

10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
    clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

 9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

 8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

 7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
    are suddenly off-limits.

 6> No warm blood for miles around DC.

 5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

 4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

 3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
    "hardbodies."

 2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
 

    and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
 

 1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
---------------------------------

OF SPOOKY OLD MOVIES
Lynn @ tecinfo.com
 

           The Top 18 Least Popular Horror Movies
 

 18> Tapeworm!

 17> The Texas Chainsaw Macarena

 16> Dorf on Beating Someone to Death With a Golf Club

 15> Invasion of the Potty Snatchers

 14> Iraqnophobia

 13> Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward

 12> Mr. Dole Goes to Washington

 11> 101 Mutilations

 10> Attack of the Receding Hairline

  9> The Island of Dr. Perot

  8> An American Werewolf in Therapy

  7> Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew

  6> First Wives Clubbed

  5> The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre: "That shrub's gotta go!"

  4> You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown

  3> The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row

  2> April The 15th - Jason's Audit
 

     and the Number 1 Least Popular Horror Movie...
 

  1> She's Wearing White After Labor Day!

 [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
 [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ]
 [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]

----------------------------------

AND HALLOWEEN PARTIES,
Kirk Jacobs @ kent.edu
 

                HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.  She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going.  So he took his costume and away he
went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain,
and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.  In as much as
her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little
feel here and a little kiss there.  His wife went up to him and being
a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make
for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a
time
he had.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a
good
time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.   When I
got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den
and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my

costume to sure had a real good time!"

----------------------------------

OF COURSE TRICK OR TREATING
Michael Ryan @ compuserve.com

A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.  The lady opens
the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"  The lady says, "Well,
aren't you cute!  What are you supposed to be?"  The boy, miffed
because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"  The lady,
not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"

The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"

----------------------------------

(HOPE THEY DON'T HAND OUT SMARTIES).
Barb Mattson @ nmt.edu

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls,
bags of
   sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near
the
   door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,
   "Trick or Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act
confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top
Secret"
   in big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously,
   say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
   quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When
trick-or-treaters
   come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do, have everyone
yell,
   "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
   figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes
an
   unnatural  "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and
don't move
   or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into
the
   street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act
shocked and
   scared, and start screaming your head off.  Slam the door and
runaround
   the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
    give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
    candy.  Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone

    who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
    through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the
trick-or-treaters
    for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a

    calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests,
explain
    that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters
    a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten
candy
    bars in your hands.  Act surprised, and close the door.  Open it
again
    in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your
porch.  Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily
throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.  Slam the door when you're finished.
---------------------------------

Why do ghosts write in Latin?  It's a dead language.

WITCH PARKING ONLY
VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD

Last Halloween was bad for me.  I got beat up, although my friends say
I deserved it.  I went to a party dressed as a pinata!
----------------------------------

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take
a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.  Right in the middle ofthe
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared
us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!  What are you doing
workin here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled.  "They misspelled my name!"
----------------------------------

Top 10 Houses to Avoid when Trick-or-Treating

10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a hole in the ground
9. Any house made of food
8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas
7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement
6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem to stop
5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"
4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking around the living room
3. Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating orb floating 3 feet above the ground than a house
2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people in odd running poses

And the Number One House to Avoid...
1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds ago
----------------------------------

WHEN YOU SEE SPOOKY PLACES, JUST TAKE MY ADVICE

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once
  a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who
  went  mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
  inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
  should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other
  than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief
  in the long run.  NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
  tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out
  that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
  least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also not that,
  despite  the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
  shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
noises such  as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
  hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
  here:  Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if
  you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
  deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns hedge
  trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
  soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
----------------------------------

AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forestfull of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
----------------------------------

SO DON'T RISK YOUR LIFE GOING LOOKING FOR SPOOKS,

What do little ghosts drink?
                Evaporated milk.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
                Because people are dying to get in.

When do ghosts usually appear?
                Just before someone screams.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
                A holy terror.

Why do witches think they're funny?
                Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

How do mummies hide?
                They wear masking tape.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
                A sand witch.

Who has a broom and flies?
                A jelly-covered janitor.

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
                Five after one.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
                They have no body to dance with.

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
                You go on ahead.  I'll hang around for a while.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
                You'd get a harewolf.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
                You hear the broom boom.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
                A witch in reverse.

How do you make a milkshake?
                You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
                She flies off the handle.

Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
                Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
                It was his bat.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
                Put your boos and shocks on.

Mother vampire to son:
                Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
                Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
                "How do you boo, sir.  How do you boo."

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
                Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
                A spoiled bat.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
                "You're under a vest!"

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
                He had to give it back.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
                He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
                A dead ringer.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
                I'd like to get to gnaw you.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
                "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
                So they can fight knights.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
                In a blood bank.

How does a witch tell time?
                She looks at her witch watch.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
                In the mirror.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
                When you're a mouse.

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
                The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

What's the best place for a mirror?
                In a graveyard.  It can double your mummy.
----------------------------------

OR GATHER YOUR FAMILY

What do West Virginians do for Halloween
Pump-kin
----------------------------------

CARVE A PUMPKIN AND THINK

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
----------------------------------

Halloween Vamps

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to
take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire
said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at
his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the
bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
----------------------------------

Halloween Jokes

Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?
I like your dress but aren't you a little bit early for Halloween parties?
I won't say the girls were ugly at the Halloween party, but I danced
with a pumpkin three times and never know the difference.
"Don't look out of the window, people will think it's already Halloween!"
She's so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween parties.
She's so ugly she's only allowed to walk the streets on Halloween.
She's so ugly she can walk the streets on Halloween without a mask.
---------------------------------

THAT A COUPLE WRONG MOVES MIGHT MEAN ETERNITY

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit.  One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
---------------------------------

NOW PUT ON THAT COSTUME AND DRESS YOURSELF UP

A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume
of the devil.  On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church
where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter
through the doors and windows.
One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time."
----------------------------------
 

BUT BE VERY CAREFUL OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SEE
THAT GHOSTS AND VAMPIRES AREN'T REALLY PC.

Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.  Consider some old
Halloween activities, for example:

* Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types
  will be on you like stink on ----.  What 30 centuries of white male
  authors used to call witches, are today respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
* Window waxing -- These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-,
  motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and
  revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet
of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
* Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of
  federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators
  are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at
the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
* Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin,
soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
* Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out.  Any
  worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their
  native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
----------------------------------

Halloween Jokes

Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?
I like your dress but aren't you a little bit early for Halloween parties?
I won't say the girls were ugly at the Halloween party, but I danced
with a pumpkin three times and never know the difference.
"Don't look out of the window, people will think it's already Halloween!"
She's so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween parties.
She's so ugly she's only allowed to walk the streets on Halloween.
She's so ugly she can walk the streets on Halloween without a mask.
----------------------------------

THAT A COUPLE WRONG MOVES MIGHT MEAN ETERNITY.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit.  One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.  "I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
---------------------------------

NOW PUT ON THAT COSTUME AND DRESS YOURSELF UP

A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume
of the devil.  On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows.
One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time."
----------------------------------

YOU CAN BE NINJA NUN OR THAT RCA PUP

Best Halloween costume I ever saw:  A couple were dressed as a priest
and nun, but carried guns, knives, grenades, ammo belts, etc.  They were
"Clint Priestwood and Sister Mary Magnum, Vatican death-commandos."
Possible spinoff:  "Ninja Nun:"  Equipment includes steel-cable rosary
forgarrotting, and little crosses with sharp points, for throwing.
----------------------------------

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
"Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave
him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same
'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
====
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
====

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and
dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed
the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek.
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on
Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
=====

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're carrion."
000=====0=====0=====000

A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees
 about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the
 employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered
voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
   "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes", whispered the
 small voice.  May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat
 put-off by this delay.  To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered
"No."
   Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
 there?"  "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"  Again the
 small voice whispered, "No."
    "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently
 asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
 boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"  "No, he's busy",
 whispered the child.  "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.  "Talking to
 Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
 that noise?"  "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.  "What
 is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.  In an awed voice
 the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"
   Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?" After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a
very lowwhisper, "They're looking for me!"
 ====
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.  His father
said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your bible diligently,
but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied,
"You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
 ===
"COBOL Forever?"
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid
to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call
him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and
reated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and
website developers, Jack was finally getting some
respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing
in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over
the world on different assignments. He was working
70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work
had taken its toll on Jack.  He had problems sleeping
and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000.
It had reached a point where even the thought of the
year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have
suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he
could think about was how he could avoid the year
2000 and all that came with it
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in
cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen
until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive
process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year
2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry
about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the
technicians set the revive date, he was given
injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum,
and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and
very modern room filled with excited people. They
were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle"
and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any
he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it
came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for
the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his
enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already
here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions
and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's
cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year
2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't
get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the
image of a man that remarcably looked very much like
Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told
Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation.
That the space program had been reinstated and there
were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology
had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone
else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to
hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in *me*?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just
around the corner, and it says in your files that you know
COBOL...."
<>*<>*
          PROPERS FOR THE FEAST OF ST. VIAGRA ("THE UPRIGHT")
ENTRANCE HYMN
       Rise Up, O Men of God
INTROIT ANTHEM
       Look upon my affliction and deliver me.
       Let thy hand be ready to help me.
PSALM
       At midnight I rise to praise thee, I rise before dawn and
       cry for help.  (Ps. 119:62, 147, 153, 173)
COLLECT
       Almighty God, who dost make the crooked straight, and
       supporteth the upright in their afflictions: graciously hear
       the prayers of thy servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of
       the sword, but was raised up straight to endure the pain of martyrdom,
       and grant us the strength to be upright in the face of suffering
       and harder than stone when confronted with the wiles of the Devil,
       Satan. We humbly ask this now and forever.  AMEN.
GRADUAL
       My beloved speaks and says to me, arise, my love, my fair one,
       and come.  (Song of Songs    2:10)
ALLELUIA
 Alleluia.
       V. He has risen as he said.
       Alleluia. (Mt. 28:6)
OFFERTORY
       Rejoice in the lord, O you righteous!
       Praise befits the upright. (Ps. 33:1)
OFFERTORY HYMN
       Hail the Day that Sees Him Rise
COMMUNION
       Light dawns for the righteous
       And joy for the upright (Ps. 97:11)
RECESSIONAL HYMN
       Rock of Ages
       Alternates:
           Praise the Lord, Rise Up Rejoicing
           Stand Up! Stand Up!
           Strengthen for Service, Lord
           Come, Ye Thankful People, Come
===
FREQUENT FLYER MURPHY LAWS
*No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the
delay to make the flight.
* If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate withinthe terminal.
* If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
* Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
* Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
* The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you must work on your flight......
You will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle
and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two
largest passengers.
_____________________________________________________________________
The best-looking person of the opposite sex on your flight is never seated next to
you....even if the guy at the check out counter guaranteed you a 'good' seat.
_____________________________________________________________________
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
====
VARIATIONS ON MURPHY'S LAW:
1.THE LAW OF COMMON SENSE
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2.THE LAW OF REALITY
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3.THE LAW OF SELF SACRIFICE
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4.THE LAW OF VOLUNTEERING
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5.THE LAW OF AVOIDING OVERSELL
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6.THE LAW OF MOTIVATION
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7.BOOB'S LAW
You always find something in the last place you look.
8.WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
9.LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10.LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR
People are always available for work in the past tense.
11.CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must befound and fired.
12.IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION
Them that has, gets.
13.LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
There is always one more bug.
14.LAW OF DRUNKENNESS
You can't fall off the floor.
15.HELLER'S LAW
The first myth of management is that it exists.
16.OSBORNE'S LAW
Variables won't; constants aren't.
17.MAIN'S LAW
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
====
           THE ULTIMATE HONOR
                - Submitted by The Tasmanian Devil
          ------------------------------------------
Pete frequented a local New York bar after work.
One day he decided to satisfy his curiosity by
asking Joe, the bartender, that was up with the fellow
who sits at the end of the bar everyday, drinking
three beers simultaneously.
Joe says, "That's Frank.  Frank recently moved here
from L.A.  He was really close to his two younger
brothers, with whom he would often go drinking after
a hard day's work.  In their honor, he drinks one for
each of them, along with his own.
He claims it eases the homesickness."  Well,
Pete could certainly respect that sort of
family closeness.
One day, Pete walked in and noticed Frank sitting
in front of only two beers.  Fearing the worst,
Pete asked Joe if something had happened to one
of Frank's brothers.
"Oh, no, nothing like that," Joe replied.
"Frank's wife made him quit drinking!"
====
Sex, Lies, and Gossip
An evolutionary explanation for President Clinton, and our interest in him,
reveals a baser side of human nature.
By Michael Shermer
Humans are, by nature, storytelling animals, as evidenced by the wealth of
myths and tales we have been telling about our world and ourselves for thousands of
years. But when you examine those stories closely, a number of common themes
leap out, not the least of which is sex, lies, and the moral status of the perpetrators,
victims, and bystanders. Most of us, most of the time, are bystanders
(you can only have so many affairs and tell so many lies before being caught).
But as seen on Bill's Black Monday, this does not prevent us from gossiping endlessly
about other people's transgressions.
Gossip is the basest form of storytelling.
We all pretend to disdain gossip, but let's face it, it's fun talking about
sex and lies, particularly when it is someone else on the hot seat.  Why?
In most hierarchical primate species the alpha male wins more copulations by
virtue of being on top (metaphorically I mean). If he defects on his alliances
by showing he is untrustworthy, however, his status may collapse and he may
fall from grace. Sound familiar?  In primates, status relationships are determined by
an array of nonverbal forms of communication, such as grooming, staring, gesturing,
and so on. In humans, language is our primary tool of keeping track of status, and
gossip is what we call this tool. The etymology of the word "gossip," in fact, is
enlightening. The root stems are "god" and "sib" and meant "akin or related."
Its early use included "one who has contracted spiritual affinity with another,"
"a godfather or godmother," "a sponsor," and "applied to a woman's
female friends invited to be present at a birth" (where they would gossip).
The word then mutates into talk surrounding those who are akin or related to
us. Not surprising, we are especially interested in gossiping about the
activities of others that most effects our status and the status of those
around us, such as relatives, close friends, and those in our immediate sphere
of influence in the community, plus members of the community or society that
are high ranking or have high social status. And our favorite subjects of
gossip are sex, cheating, aggression, violence, social status and standings,
births and deaths, political and religious commitments, physical and
psychological health, and the various nuances of human relations, particularly
friendships and alliances.
But why, in our culture, do we gossip about total strangers, especially celebrities
and other famous figures? The mass media makes these figures so familiar
to us that they seem like our relatives, friends, and members of our community.
Why would anyone care who President Clinton slept with?  Because our
Paleolithic brains are being tricked into thinking that President Clinton is
someone we personally know and someone we should care about.
Perhaps we should. In those long-gone Paleolithic millennia we lived in small
villages of approximately 150 people, where morality was enforced through
shunning and ostracization, and gossip was the means of keeping track of who
you could trust and who you couldn't. (It turns out that 150 is the average
number of each of us knows and has in our personal address books.)
Thanks to modern transportation and the mass media, we now live in a global
village, perhaps not that different in principle from our those our ancestors
lived in.  Our gossiping about Bill Clinton is how we are deciding the future of
his status as our alpha male, because today it not only takes a global village, it
takes a global leader.
Michael Shermer is the Publisher of Skeptic magazine and the author of Why
People Believe Weird Things (1997, W. H. Freeman). His ideas on gossip,
storytelling, mythmaking, and religion will be presented in his next book, Why
People Believe in God.
=====
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind
direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit
the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man...you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
====
  "I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked
  me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'"
                                                    - Steven Wright
==============
                 ~~~  Strap on that feeder bag!  ~~~
 The History of the Granola Bar
    The granola bar, the staple food of politically correct activists,
 is deeply rooted in the history of the pioneers.  The pioneers
 commonly spent 20 hours a day clearing the land and planting crops,
 and naturally, worked up quite a sweat.  After a refreshing "cooler,"
 a dip of the head in an ice cold river, they resumed their productive
 labours.  Their first crops, barley, rye, wheat, oats, etc. comprised
 the main ingredients for granola.  Those who did not find it palatable
 used it for fodder, which was quite popular with horses.  The decline
of the equine population produced a surplus of granola in the 1960's,
which drove down prices on the futures market.  Sold at sub-culture
health food stores at bulk prices, it was popular amongst hippies, who
ate it for energy between war protest demonstrations and sit-ins, and
threw it instead of rice at weddings as an anti- establishment statement.
    In the 1970's, a disillusioned Yippie-turned-Yuppie MBA student
 inadvertently left some granola in his jeans when he did his laundry.
 With a keen eye for a quick buck, he marketed the result as the
 "granola bar."  The original flavours were raison, peanuts, chocolate
 chip, and just plain granola.  They were staggeringly popular with
 campers and hikers as a ready source of energy, and emergency
 substitute tent pegs.  In the 1980's, the hikers became soft and turned
Club-Med. They developed a taste for the life of ease: instant tellers,
cellular phones, microwave dinners, scratch & win lottery tickets, faxed
 letters, twist-top wine coolers, and effortless success.  Pushed by
 market forces, granola bar engineers toiled for hours in research and
 development labs to develop soft, easily gulpable granola bars which
 required little effort to chew and posed no hazard to dental caps.
    Now in the 1990's, public demand is forcing the same artificially
 flavoured fate as befell yogurt and coolers upon the granola bar.
 Trendy exclusively granola bar health food restaurants will soon be
 serving 99 exotic flavours such as asparagus, broccoli, cappuccino,
 chocolate fondue dip, pasta, quiche, sea-weed, Spam, spinach, yogurt,
 and caffeine-laced power bars.
    Horses, of course, will no longer touch the stuff.
=====
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hunting
* It'll be hunting season soon here in the US with the usual number
  of shooting accidents.  Last year in Howard County, a hunter was
  climbing thru a fence with his gun cocked.  He was survived by
  his wife, two children and three deer.
                                - - - - -
*   An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am
  I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
    "Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've
  been lost for three weeks."
                                - - - - -
*   An English hunter came upon a lovely young lady, completely nude,
  cavorting in a lake.  The hunter said, "I beg your pardon m'Lady,
  I'm looking for game."
    The young lass smiled and said, "Well... I'm game."  So he shot her.
                                - - - - -
*   Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs.  That
  evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point
  buck.  "Where's George ?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam
  had returned alone.
    "He's about 6 miles back.  He tripped and broke his ankle.  I
  left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
                                - - - - -
*   After listening to the exploits of a braggart about his hunting
  skills, I managed to inject, "My favorite sport was tiger hunting
  in Africa."
    "My dear sir..." he began, using his most condescending voice,
  "there are NO tigers in Africa."
    Assuming a posture of extreme indignation, I replied, "Well of
  course not !  Not NOW !!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this
tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her
off, this man found a available young gentleman by the name
of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise
of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during
the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money
would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which just goes
to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't
make him wink.
------------------
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it.
Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor
before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game.
.
 "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was
arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
.
 "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
.
 "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of
The Wizard Of Oz.
.
 "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." -
Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
.
 "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is
  scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
.
 "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
.
 "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive,
  advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
.
 "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict
on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
.
 "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." -Professor of Aeronautical
Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
.
 "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation
in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
.
 "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada,
  1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
.
 "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in
  explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
.
 "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15, 1912.
.
 "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
.
 "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
.
 "Everything that can be invented has already been invented." - director of the
  US Patent Office, 1899.
.
 "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam."
- Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
-------------------
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the
doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor met him again, and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?  That was quite the gorgeous young lady I saw you with!"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
 Somewhere in America, next week......
         -----------------------------------
 Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
 Son - What's up, Dad?
 Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car.  Did you do it?
 Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch
            the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
 Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night,
and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
 Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching
 the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard aloud scraping sound, saw you get out to
examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch
the car?
 Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it.
           Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car.
           I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
 Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?
 Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street.
            I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct
           contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
 Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
 Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original
            statement that I did not scratch the car.
 Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched
             as a result of this contact?
 Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
 Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
 Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch
        the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the
        meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox
        did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my
       answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was
legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.
 Dad - Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass?
 Son - From The President of the United States.
 Dad - I see.
           ********************************************
Everything stated above is completely correct...
any inconsistencies are due to fundamental flaws in reality.
-------------------------
Next time you're asked to write a reference letter, think of this...

The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time.  Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks.  Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.  I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Signed  ...

A memo was son sent to follow the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today.  Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat.
------------------
Subject: Wish I'd said that
This was taken from the front page of this morning's Richmond
Times-Dispatch
(Metro Section). It seems that last night (9/23/98) Virginia executed
yet
another prisoner, and for the first time in four years, the electric
chair
was used (at the request of the prisoner). One of the media witnesses,
a
Terry Scanlon of the Lynchburg News & Observer, talking about the
prisoner
in his last moments, is quoted as saying that the condemned "...didn't
show
any resistance."
-------------------
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your
     secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not
     kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're
done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
                                ***
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated
him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him),
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere."
-------------------
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying; DANGER!  BEWARE OF DOG!  Posted on the glass door. Inside
he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
 "Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.  "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
 "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
-----------------

Subject: Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
10. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
  9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
  8. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.
  7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
  6.  You ask your doctor for a physical and he replys " I'm sorry, I don't do autopsies".
  5A. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with "Dear Weenie..".
  5B. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following diaglogue box:
"ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike ? (Y/N) ".
  4. During your commercial flight, the pilot unexpectedly mumbles something
in arabic and immediately all the stewardesses begin waving machine guns.
  3. While watching the news, you spot your husband marching in a Gay Pride parade.
  2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a truck which
looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly Hillbillies.
  1. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the fat".
 --------------------------
so that you might have some particular insight into the problems of
our
current President.
Subject:        A Medical Explanation      Brain Cells
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine
months, develop into a complete female baby.  The problem occurs when cells
are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to
develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already
assigned elsewhere in the female.  Recent tests have shown that these cells
are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in
the body and develop into male sexual organs.  If you visualize a normal
brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few
cards short, so to speak.  And some of their cards are in their shorts.  This
difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways.
Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys,
however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running
into walls.  Little girls will think about doing things before taking any
action.  Little boys will just punch or kick something and will
look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother
who was half asleep and looking the other way.  This basic cognitive difference
continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and
the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female
brains differ, but the center of thought also differs.  Women think with their heads.
Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells
reside.  Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man.  In some men
only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental
capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in
medical terms as "Republicans."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to
as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their
groins.  These men are usually referred to as ...  "Mr. President.
-------------------------------
Fishing For A Week
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come
up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a
lifetime. We leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and
especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.  A week later he returns.
His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
-------------------------------
 
 

..............................
 
 
 
 

last edited 3-30-2003