 |
|
For You Mary Poppins Fans:
Ghandi, as most know, was a deeply spiritual
person, who walked
barefoot everywhere, to the point that
his feet became quite thick and hard.
Due to his particular brand of spiritualism he
tended to eat little and
take most of his sustenence
from other sources causing him to appear quite
thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended
up with very bad breath.
Thus in his time he was referred to as
a:
super-calloused fragile mystic plagued
with halitosis.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RULES FOR MEN AS DEVISED BY A WOMAN (OF COURSE)
* Call.
* Don't lie.
* Never tape any of her body parts together.
* If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite
the girls.
* If guys' night out is going to involve strippers,
remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
* The correct answer to 'Do I look fat?' is never,
ever 'Yes.'
* Ditto for 'Is she prettier than me?'
* Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood
is bad.
* Ordering for her is good. Telling her what
she wants is bad.
* Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
* 'Honey', 'Darling', and 'Sweetheart' are good.
'Nag', 'Lardass', and'Bitch' are bad.
* Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping
is a felony.
* A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any
question.
* None of
your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
* Her cooking is excellent.
* That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
* Dish soap is your friend.
* Hat does not equal shower, after shave does
not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
* Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
* Answering 'Who was that on the phone?' with
'Nobody' is never going to end that conversation.
* Ditto for 'Whose lipstick is this?'
* Two words: clean socks.
* Believe it or not, you're probably not more
attractive when you're drunk.
* Burping is not sexy.
* You're wrong.
* You're sorry.
* She is probably less impressed by your discourse
on your cool car than you think she is.
* Ditto for your discourse on football.
* Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any
awning in a single bound.
* 'Will you marry me?' is good. 'Let's shack
up together' is bad.
* Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad
mood.
* Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
* No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean
anything she feels like at that
particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
* 'But, we kiss...' is not justification for
using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
* Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11
PM.
* Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
* Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about
it, just do it.
* If you want to break up with her, break up
with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
* Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
* Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
* Always, always suck up to her brother.
* Think boxers.
* Silk boxers.
* Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy 'anniversary'
she so-names.
* Don't try to change the way she dresses.
* Her haircut is never bad.
* Don't let your friends pick on her.
* The rules are never fair. Accept this without
question. The fact that she has to go through labor while
you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking
cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
|
|
Why Pumpkins are better than Men:
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose
from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are
always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting
for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just
carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can
just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty,
mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when
you want him to be.
----------
The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10
minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the
easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment
the person who gave you candy.
6. Its OK when the person you're
with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll
still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you
want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear
you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
----------------------------------
Question:
Why
do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Answer:
Because
oct31=dec25.
----------------------------------
OF VAMPIRES OF OLD
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound!
Q: Where did they put Dracula when
he was arrested?
A: In a red bloodcell!
Q: What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving!
Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A: Coffin Drops!
Q: Why did the vampire quit the baseball
team?
A: They would only let him be BAT
boy!
Q: Why didn't Dracula get married?
A: He never met a nice Ghoul!
----------------------------------
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15. Grunge look makes it tough to
tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood
tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture
with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings
Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger
King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist
rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian
soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying,
still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne
around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing
Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around
DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin
Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey
to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been
replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything
taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken
for Keith Richards.
----------------------------------
The Top 18 Least Popular Horror Movies
18. Tapeworm!
17. The Texas Chainsaw Macarena
16. Dorf on Beating Someone to Death
With a Golf Club
15. Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
14. Iraqnophobia
13. Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward
12. Mr. Dole Goes to Washington
11. 101 Mutilations
10. Attack of the Receding Hairline
9. The Island of Dr. Perot
8. An American Werewolf in Therapy
7. Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew
6. First Wives Clubbed
5. The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre:
"That shrub's gotta go!"
4. You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie
Brown
3. The Methane Monsters of Fraternity
Row
2. April The 15th - Jason's Audit
and the Number 1 Least Popular Horror Movie...
1. She's Wearing White After Labor
Day!
------------------------
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there
was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
awakened without pain, and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the
party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there. His
wife went up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally,
since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
makefor his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time
he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good
time when you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced
one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But I'll
tell you...the guy I loaned my
costume to sure had a real good time!"
-------------------
A little boy goes up to the door and rings the
bell. The lady opens
the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"
The lady says, "Well,
aren't you cute! What are you supposed
to be?" The boy, miffed
because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm
a pirate!" The lady,
not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where
are your buccaneers?"
The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin'
head!"
-------------
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
1. Give away something other than candy.
(Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.
When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume,
and holding a bag, and yell,
"Trick or Treat!" Look at
them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.
Write on it, "Top Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters
come, look around suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here,"
give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living
room. When trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, "Come in."
When they do, have everyone yell,
"Surprise!!!" Act like it's
a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come
in and see if they can figure out what's
wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that
it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters
a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately
collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters
go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar,
throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters,
actshocked and scared, and start screaming
your head off. Slam the door and runaround
the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do
ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and
let them order their
candy. Keep asking if
anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and
catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a
nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away
from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.
Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment,
pretend to be confused, and start flipping through
a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you
had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.
Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M &
M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised,
and close the door. Open it again in a
few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin
on a throne on yourporch.
Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters
bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell
and curse from the moment you open the door, and
angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.
------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party
and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found
an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath, "You scared
us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working
here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They
misspelled my name!"
------------------------
AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to
get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood
and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them
to knock it off and let him get some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
-------------------
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.
What time would it be if five demons were chasing
you?
Five after one.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound
barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire
play baseball?
It was his bat.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
What did the policeman say when a black widow
spider ran down his
back?
"You're under a vest!"
What happened to the monster that took the five
o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door
salesman?
A dead ringer.
What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for
the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
Which story do all little witches love to hear
at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
----------------
They threw a Halloween party. When most guests
were there, the bell
rang.
There stood uncle Elroy on the doorstep, only
dressed in his trousers.
'But uncle', they asked, 'what do you impersonate
???'
'Well, I am the Premature Ejaculation himself
.'
'But .. ????'
'I've come in my pants.'
----------------------------------
OR GATHER YOUR FAMILY,
What do West Virginians do for Halloween
Pump-kin
------------------
What do you get when you divide the circumference
of your
jack-o-lantern by
its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
----------------------------------
WHAT TO HAVE YOUR KIDS DO,
When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead,
avoid
non-nutritious candies and gums. Instead
offer celery and blue cheese
sauce platters. While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll
undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist
(Note: House
windows should be securely boarded before attempting).
Take care to choose a Halloween personae that
lends itself to
self-defense. A wicked witch with the trademark
broom has a vast
combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy.
When trying to choose an appropriate costume,
be sure to select the
darkest colors available. Go for black
ninja suits or other
non-reflective garb.
Costume accessories can really make the difference.
Avoid using
plastic props. Opt for real cutlery to
stand out in the crowd.
If living in the deep rural South, avoid dressing up in a white sheet,
for any reason. Such action can be misconstrued
and ultimately lead
to grotesque bodily harm.
And for little tikes, don't garb them in a white
bed sheet that's
bound to get tarnished! To cut Halloween
budget corners, use white
kitchen garbage bags. The costume also
doubles as a large goodie bag,
in the event that the feelings of asphyxiation
simply become too
unbearable for the youngster.
With so much geared toward the youngest family
members, awkward teens
can often feel left out. Insist that they
dress up in a costume that
will complement the young sibling's attire (Raggedy
Ann and Andy,
Prince and Princess, etc.).
When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way
dimly lit
areas. Especially look for houses without
*any lights on. These are
the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially
authentic and
eerie for little ghoulies.
If no unlit houses can be found in your area,
you will be forced to
approach the well-lighted houses. But don't
knock on the door!
Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or
rustle around in
crawl-spaces. The resident family will
appreciate your sense of
originality and will likely reward you handsomely.
After you've been trick-or-treating, simply disregard
all wrapped or
"store-bought" candy. People handing this
stuff out just don't give a
damn and simply took the easy out. Go for the home-baked goodies.
You can also look for organized community events
to entertain teens.
Who can forget playing "Disintegrate The Mailbox,"
"Pumpkin Toss,"
"Teacher Toilet Paper Party," "Plastic Pumpkin
Pillage," and "Pummel
The Ghoulies."
Before bobbing for apples at your local Halloween
carnival, fill your
mouth brimming full with ketchup. When
underwater, discharge the goo,
then frantically jerk your head up out of the water screaming, "Razor!
Razor!"
--------------
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The
barmaid came over to
take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen
like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire
said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire
shook his head at
his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of
plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the
bar and called to the
bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
---------------------HALLOWEEN! -- An Introduction
and an Index
========================================================
'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating
(hope they don't hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats,
and mice.
So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful,
you'll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.
So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there's no such thing and that you are all
right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might
see...
Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now,
are we?
------------------------
'TWAS HALLOWEEN NIGHT AS I LEAPED FROM MY BED,
WITH THOUGHTS OF AMUSEMENT GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.
The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10
minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the
easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment
the person who gave you candy.
6. Its OK when the person you're
with fantasizes you're someone
else,
because you ARE
someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll
still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you
want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear
you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!
----------------------------------
TURNED OFF MY COMPUTER AND THOUGHT AS I MAY
Question:
Why
do computer programmers confuse Hallowe'en and Christmas?
Answer:
Because
oct31=dec25.
---------------------------------
OF VAMPIRES OF OLD
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound!
Q: Where did they put Dracula when
he was arrested?
A: In a red bloodcell!
Q: What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving!
Q: What do you give a vampire with
a cold?
A: Coffin Drops!
Q: Why did the vampire quit the baseball
team?
A: They would only let him be BAT
boy!
Q: Why didn't Dracula get married?
A: He never met a nice Ghoul!
---------------------------------
AND VAMPIRES OF TODAY.
Lynn @ tecinfo.com
The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires
15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without
some redneck
yelling, "Look Ma! It's
Elvis!"
10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible
to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian
soil for bottom of coffin.
9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna
clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.
6> No warm blood for miles around DC.
5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced
by aerobicized
"hardbodies."
2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and the Number 1 Complaint
of Modern Day Vampires...
1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for
Keith Richards.
---------------------------------
OF SPOOKY OLD MOVIES
Lynn @ tecinfo.com
The Top 18 Least Popular Horror Movies
18> Tapeworm!
17> The Texas Chainsaw Macarena
16> Dorf on Beating Someone to Death With a Golf Club
15> Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
14> Iraqnophobia
13> Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward
12> Mr. Dole Goes to Washington
11> 101 Mutilations
10> Attack of the Receding Hairline
9> The Island of Dr. Perot
8> An American Werewolf in Therapy
7> Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew
6> First Wives Clubbed
5> The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre: "That shrub's gotta go!"
4> You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown
3> The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row
2> April The 15th - Jason's Audit
and the Number 1 Least
Popular Horror Movie...
1> She's Wearing White After Labor Day!
[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White
and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, you must include
this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com
www.topfive.com ]
----------------------------------
AND HALLOWEEN PARTIES,
Kirk Jacobs @ kent.edu
HALLOWEEN
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween
party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was
going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there
was no need of his good
time being spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he
went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
awakened without pain,
and
as it was still early, she decided to go to the
party. In as much as
her
husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on
the
dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could and copping a
little
feel here and a little kiss there. His
wife went up to him and being
a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally,
since he was her
husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed,
so
off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the
costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would
make
for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a
time
he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a
good
time when you're not there." Then she asked,
"Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced
one dance. When I
got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the
den
and played poker all evening. But I'll
tell you...the guy I loaned my
costume to sure had a real good time!"
----------------------------------
OF COURSE TRICK OR TREATING
Michael Ryan @ compuserve.com
A little boy goes up to the door and rings the
bell. The lady opens
the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"
The lady says, "Well,
aren't you cute! What are you supposed
to be?" The boy, miffed
because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm
a pirate!" The lady,
not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where
are your buccaneers?"
The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
----------------------------------
(HOPE THEY DON'T HAND OUT SMARTIES).
Barb Mattson @ nmt.edu
20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
1. Give away something other than candy.
(Toothpicks, golf balls,
bags of
sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.
When they get near
the
door, jump out, wearing a costume,
and holding a bag, and yell,
"Trick or Treat!" Look at
them, scratch your head, and act
confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.
Write on it, "Top
Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters
come, look around
suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here,"
give them the briefcase, and
quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living
room. When
trick-or-treaters
come to the door, say, "Come in."
When they do, have everyone
yell,
"Surprise!!!" Act like it's
a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come
in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your
dishwasher. Insist that it makes
an
unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately
collapse, and
don't move
or say anything until the trick-or-treaters
go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar,
throw it out into
the
street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters,
act
shocked and
scared, and start screaming your
head off. Slam the door and
runaround
the house, screaming until they
go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do
ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and
let them order their
candy. Keep asking if
anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby
window, crashing
through the glass, and run
as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.
Stare at the
trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be
confused, and start flipping through a
calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.
If anyone protests,
explain
that the eggs are the only
thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.
Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters
a two-hour lecture on tooth
decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M &
M's and several half-eaten
candy
bars in your hands.
Act surprised, and close the door. Open it
again
in a few seconds, and insist
that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin
on a throne on your
porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters
bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell
and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily
throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.
---------------------------------
Why do ghosts write in Latin? It's a dead language.
WITCH PARKING ONLY
VIOLATORS WILL BE TOAD
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat
up, although my friends say
I deserved it. I went to a party dressed
as a pinata!
----------------------------------
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party
and decided to take
a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle ofthe
cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found
an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath, "You scared
us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing
workin here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They
misspelled my name!"
----------------------------------
Top 10 Houses to Avoid when Trick-or-Treating
10. Any house that seems to be imploding into
a hole in the ground
9. Any house made of food
8. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas
7. Any house whose only entrance goes to the
basement
6. Any house where high-tension power lines seem
to stop
5. Any house that keeps growling, "Get out"
4. Any house where the furniture seems to be
walking around the living room
3. Any house that looks more like a giant, pulsating
orb floating 3 feet above the ground than a house
2. Any house with a yard full of statues of people
in odd running poses
And the Number One House to Avoid...
1. Any house that wasn't there a couple of seconds
ago
----------------------------------
WHEN YOU SEE SPOOKY PLACES, JUST TAKE MY ADVICE
* When it appears that you have killed the monster,
*never* check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or
near a cemetery, was once
a church that was used for black masses,
had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or
died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices
in your house move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud,
even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the
power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any
other language which they
should not know, or if they speak to you
using a voice which is other
than their own, shoot them immediately.
It will save you a lot of grief
in the long run. NOTE: It will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never*
pair off and go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that
open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or
anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house
of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused
a noise and find out
that it's just the cat, *leave the room
immediately if you value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves,
move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's
probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology
unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect
to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female
persuasion. Also not that,
despite the fact that you are running
and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast
enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic
noises such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, get away from them
as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations,
some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,
Nilbog (you're in trouble if
you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not
go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws,
staple guns hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any device
made from deceased companions.
----------------------------------
AND DON'T GO IN ROOMS FILLED WITH GHOSTS, BATS, AND MICE
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to
get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood
and began hassling
him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get
some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a forestfull of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
----------------------------------
SO DON'T RISK YOUR LIFE GOING LOOKING FOR SPOOKS,
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.
What time would it be if five demons were chasing
you?
Five after one.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound
barrier?
You hear the broom boom.
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire
play baseball?
It was his bat.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
What did the policeman say when a black widow
spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
What happened to the monster that took the five
o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door
salesman?
A dead ringer.
What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for
the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
Which story do all little witches love to hear
at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
----------------------------------
OR GATHER YOUR FAMILY
What do West Virginians do for Halloween
Pump-kin
----------------------------------
CARVE A PUMPKIN AND THINK
What do you get when you divide the circumference
of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
----------------------------------
Halloween Vamps
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The
barmaid came over to
take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen
like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire
said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire
shook his head at
his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of
plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the
bar and called to the
bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
----------------------------------
Halloween Jokes
Is that your real face or are you still celebrating
Halloween?
I like your dress but aren't you a little bit
early for Halloween parties?
I won't say the girls were ugly at the Halloween
party, but I danced
with a pumpkin three times and never know the
difference.
"Don't look out of the window, people will think
it's already Halloween!"
She's so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween
parties.
She's so ugly she's only allowed to walk the
streets on Halloween.
She's so ugly she can walk the streets on Halloween
without a mask.
---------------------------------
THAT A COUPLE WRONG MOVES MIGHT MEAN ETERNITY
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided
to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on
a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and
stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married
your sister."
---------------------------------
NOW PUT ON THAT COSTUME AND DRESS YOURSELF UP
A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed
in a costume
of the devil. On his way it began to rain,
so he darted into a church
where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began
to scatter
through the doors and windows.
One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm
of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded,
"Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've
really been on your side all the time."
----------------------------------
BUT BE VERY CAREFUL OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SEE
THAT GHOSTS AND VAMPIRES AREN'T REALLY PC.
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.
Consider some old
Halloween activities, for example:
* Witch burning -- Just singe one around the edges
today and the ERA types
will be on you like stink on ----.
What 30 centuries of white male
authors used to call witches, are today
respected as
complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome...
uh, womyn.
* Window waxing -- These days you'll only set
off the light-, noise-,
motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm,
and quickly exit in cuffs and
revolving lights -- if you're lucky enough
not to leave prime filet
of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
* Trick-or-treating -- This obviously would be
prosecuted as a violation of
federal RICO [racketeering] statutes,
except that most of the perpetrators
are juveniles, and thus have the civil
right to thumb their noses at
the law and be back on the street before the
candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
* Candy should be dispensed only with balancing
doses of Ritalin,
soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but
fluoride-free) dentifrice.
* Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed,
washed in genuine
American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before
being handed out. Any
worms should be housed, fed, read their
rights, then returned to their
native soil, or, if they so choose, given
refugee status in yours.
----------------------------------
Halloween Jokes
Is that your real face or are you still celebrating
Halloween?
I like your dress but aren't you a little bit
early for Halloween parties?
I won't say the girls were ugly at the Halloween
party, but I danced
with a pumpkin three times and never know the
difference.
"Don't look out of the window, people will think
it's already Halloween!"
She's so ugly she rents herself out for Halloween
parties.
She's so ugly she's only allowed to walk the
streets on Halloween.
She's so ugly she can walk the streets on Halloween
without a mask.
----------------------------------
THAT A COUPLE WRONG MOVES MIGHT MEAN ETERNITY.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided
to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on
a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and
stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil,"
she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married
your sister."
---------------------------------
NOW PUT ON THAT COSTUME AND DRESS YOURSELF UP
A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed
in a costume
of the devil. On his way it began to rain,
so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began
to scatter through the doors and windows.
One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm
of one of the
seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded,
"Satan, I've been a
member of this church for 20 years, but I've
really been on your side all the time."
----------------------------------
YOU CAN BE NINJA NUN OR THAT RCA PUP
Best Halloween costume I ever saw: A couple
were dressed as a priest
and nun, but carried guns, knives, grenades,
ammo belts, etc. They were
"Clint Priestwood and Sister Mary Magnum, Vatican
death-commandos."
Possible spinoff: "Ninja Nun:" Equipment
includes steel-cable rosary
forgarrotting, and little crosses with sharp
points, for throwing.
----------------------------------
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door
dressed as
"Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon
after I gave
him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't
you the same
'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes
ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll
be back three more times tonight too."
====
There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
the theme of the party was "war".
The first person comes up onto the stage and
says, "I'm an
atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps
down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen
bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage
and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of
them is asked
why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse
was?"
====
A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball,
and
dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of
Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off
the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" asked a friend who
had witnessed
the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing
his red cheek.
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas,
I put my finger on
Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
=====
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to
go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant
noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as
luggage?" he asked.
"No, thanks," replied one of the vultures. "They're
carrion."
000=====0=====0=====000
A manager in a big company needed to contact one
of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the
main computers. He dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whispered
voice on the first ring, "Hello?"
"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly
asked. "Yes", whispered the
small voice. May I talk with him?"
the man asked, feeling somewhat
put-off by this delay. To the surprise
of the boss, the small voice whispered
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May
I talk with her?" Again the
small voice whispered, "No."
"Son, is there any one there
besides you?" the boss impatiently
asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child,
"A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would
be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy",
whispered the child. "Busy doing
what?" asked the boss. "Talking to
Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came
the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even
worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone
the boss asked, "What is
that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered
the whispering voice. "What
is going on there?" asked the boss, now
alarmed. In an awed voice
the child answered, "The police just landed
the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than
just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"Why are they there?" After a muffled giggle,
the young voice replied in a
very lowwhisper, "They're looking for me!"
====
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss his
use of the car. His father
said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study
your bible more, and get your hair cut, then
we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked
his father if they
could discuss his use of the car. His father
said, "Son, I`m real proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve
studied your bible diligently,
but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man
waited a moment and replied,
"You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and
even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked
everywhere they went!"
===
"COBOL Forever?"
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid
to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll
call
him Jack. After years of being taken for granted
and
reated as a technological dinosaur by all the
UNIX
programmers and Client/Server programmers and
website developers, Jack was finally getting
some
respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing
in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term
assignments for prestige companies, traveling
all over
the world on different assignments. He was working
70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was
worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing
work
had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems
sleeping
and began having anxiety dreams about the Year
2000.
It had reached a point where even the thought
of the
year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have
suffered some sort of breakdown, because all
he
could think about was how he could avoid the
year
2000 and all that came with it
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized
in
cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen
until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive
process and totally automated. He was thrilled.
The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the
year
2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to
worry
about except getting on with his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the
technicians set the revive date, he was given
injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum,
and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous
and
very modern room filled with excited people.
They
were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's
a miracle"
and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike
any
he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like
it
came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for
the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain
his
enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000
already
here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions
and crises all over and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a
problem with the programming of the timer on
Jack's
cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000
compliant.
It was actually eight thousand years later, not
the year
2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't
get excited; someone important wanted to speak
to him.
Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed
the
image of a man that remarcably looked very much
like
Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth.
He told
Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful
time to be
alive. That there was world peace and no more
starvation.
That the space program had been reinstated and
there
were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology
had advanced to such a degree that everyone had
virtual
reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone
else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment,
or to
hear any music recorded anywhere.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious.
Why is
everybody so interested in *me*?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000
is just
around the corner, and it says in your files
that you know
COBOL...."
<>*<>*
PROPERS FOR THE FEAST OF ST. VIAGRA ("THE UPRIGHT")
ENTRANCE HYMN
Rise Up,
O Men of God
INTROIT ANTHEM
Look upon
my affliction and deliver me.
Let thy
hand be ready to help me.
PSALM
At midnight
I rise to praise thee, I rise before dawn and
cry for
help. (Ps. 119:62, 147, 153, 173)
COLLECT
Almighty
God, who dost make the crooked straight, and
supporteth
the upright in their afflictions: graciously hear
the prayers
of thy servant Viagra, who fainted at the sight of
the sword,
but was raised up straight to endure the pain of martyrdom,
and grant
us the strength to be upright in the face of suffering
and harder
than stone when confronted with the wiles of the Devil,
Satan. We
humbly ask this now and forever. AMEN.
GRADUAL
My beloved
speaks and says to me, arise, my love, my fair one,
and come.
(Song of Songs 2:10)
ALLELUIA
Alleluia.
V. He has
risen as he said.
Alleluia.
(Mt. 28:6)
OFFERTORY
Rejoice
in the lord, O you righteous!
Praise befits
the upright. (Ps. 33:1)
OFFERTORY HYMN
Hail the
Day that Sees Him Rise
COMMUNION
Light dawns
for the righteous
And joy
for the upright (Ps. 97:11)
RECESSIONAL HYMN
Rock of
Ages
Alternates:
Praise the Lord, Rise Up Rejoicing
Stand Up! Stand Up!
Strengthen for Service, Lord
Come, Ye Thankful People, Come
===
FREQUENT FLYER MURPHY LAWS
*No flight ever leaves on time unless you are
running late and need the
delay to make the flight.
* If you are running late for a flight, it will
depart from the farthest gate withinthe terminal.
* If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably
will be delayed.
* Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal
in the world.
* Only passengers seated in window seats ever
have to get up to go to the lavatory.
* The crying baby on board your flight is always
seated next to you.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you must work on your flight......
You will experience turbulence as soon as you
touch pen to paper.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine
who has the seats on the aisle
and the window while you are still in the boarding
area. Just look for the two
largest passengers.
_____________________________________________________________________
The best-looking person of the opposite sex on
your flight is never seated next to
you....even if the guy at the check out counter
guaranteed you a 'good' seat.
_____________________________________________________________________
The less carry-on luggage space available on
an aircraft, the more
carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
====
VARIATIONS ON MURPHY'S LAW:
1.THE LAW OF COMMON SENSE
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2.THE LAW OF REALITY
Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.
3.THE LAW OF SELF SACRIFICE
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves
last.
4.THE LAW OF VOLUNTEERING
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better
let him lead.
5.THE LAW OF AVOIDING OVERSELL
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave
room for the mouse.
6.THE LAW OF MOTIVATION
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7.BOOB'S LAW
You always find something in the last place you
look.
8.WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
have to do it himself.
9.LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10.LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR
People are always available for work in the past
tense.
11.CONWAY'S LAW
In any organization there is one person who knows
what is going on.
That person must befound and fired.
12.IRON LAW OF DISTRIBUTION
Them that has, gets.
13.LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
There is always one more bug.
14.LAW OF DRUNKENNESS
You can't fall off the floor.
15.HELLER'S LAW
The first myth of management is that it exists.
16.OSBORNE'S LAW
Variables won't; constants aren't.
17.MAIN'S LAW
For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
====
THE ULTIMATE HONOR
- Submitted by The Tasmanian Devil
------------------------------------------
Pete frequented a local New York bar after work.
One day he decided to satisfy his curiosity by
asking Joe, the bartender, that was up with the
fellow
who sits at the end of the bar everyday, drinking
three beers simultaneously.
Joe says, "That's Frank. Frank recently
moved here
from L.A. He was really close to his two
younger
brothers, with whom he would often go drinking
after
a hard day's work. In their honor, he drinks
one for
each of them, along with his own.
He claims it eases the homesickness." Well,
Pete could certainly respect that sort of
family closeness.
One day, Pete walked in and noticed Frank sitting
in front of only two beers. Fearing the
worst,
Pete asked Joe if something had happened to one
of Frank's brothers.
"Oh, no, nothing like that," Joe replied.
"Frank's wife made him quit drinking!"
====
Sex, Lies, and Gossip
An evolutionary explanation for President Clinton,
and our interest in him,
reveals a baser side of human nature.
By Michael Shermer
Humans are, by nature, storytelling animals,
as evidenced by the wealth of
myths and tales we have been telling about our
world and ourselves for thousands of
years. But when you examine those stories closely,
a number of common themes
leap out, not the least of which is sex, lies,
and the moral status of the perpetrators,
victims, and bystanders. Most of us, most of
the time, are bystanders
(you can only have so many affairs and tell so
many lies before being caught).
But as seen on Bill's Black Monday, this does
not prevent us from gossiping endlessly
about other people's transgressions.
Gossip is the basest form of storytelling.
We all pretend to disdain gossip, but let's face
it, it's fun talking about
sex and lies, particularly when it is someone
else on the hot seat. Why?
In most hierarchical primate species the alpha
male wins more copulations by
virtue of being on top (metaphorically I mean).
If he defects on his alliances
by showing he is untrustworthy, however, his
status may collapse and he may
fall from grace. Sound familiar? In primates,
status relationships are determined by
an array of nonverbal forms of communication,
such as grooming, staring, gesturing,
and so on. In humans, language is our primary
tool of keeping track of status, and
gossip is what we call this tool. The etymology
of the word "gossip," in fact, is
enlightening. The root stems are "god" and "sib"
and meant "akin or related."
Its early use included "one who has contracted
spiritual affinity with another,"
"a godfather or godmother," "a sponsor," and
"applied to a woman's
female friends invited to be present at a birth"
(where they would gossip).
The word then mutates into talk surrounding those
who are akin or related to
us. Not surprising, we are especially interested
in gossiping about the
activities of others that most effects our status
and the status of those
around us, such as relatives, close friends,
and those in our immediate sphere
of influence in the community, plus members of
the community or society that
are high ranking or have high social status.
And our favorite subjects of
gossip are sex, cheating, aggression, violence,
social status and standings,
births and deaths, political and religious commitments,
physical and
psychological health, and the various nuances
of human relations, particularly
friendships and alliances.
But why, in our culture, do we gossip about total
strangers, especially celebrities
and other famous figures? The mass media makes
these figures so familiar
to us that they seem like our relatives, friends,
and members of our community.
Why would anyone care who President Clinton slept
with? Because our
Paleolithic brains are being tricked into thinking
that President Clinton is
someone we personally know and someone we should
care about.
Perhaps we should. In those long-gone Paleolithic
millennia we lived in small
villages of approximately 150 people, where morality
was enforced through
shunning and ostracization, and gossip was the
means of keeping track of who
you could trust and who you couldn't. (It turns
out that 150 is the average
number of each of us knows and has in our personal
address books.)
Thanks to modern transportation and the mass
media, we now live in a global
village, perhaps not that different in principle
from our those our ancestors
lived in. Our gossiping about Bill Clinton
is how we are deciding the future of
his status as our alpha male, because today it
not only takes a global village, it
takes a global leader.
Michael Shermer is the Publisher of Skeptic magazine
and the author of Why
People Believe Weird Things (1997, W. H. Freeman).
His ideas on gossip,
storytelling, mythmaking, and religion will be
presented in his next book, Why
People Believe in God.
=====
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed
an eternity. Looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring
the wind
direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's
taking so long? Hit
the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching
me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man...you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
====
"I worked in a health food store once.
A guy came in and asked
me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath
without getting wet?'"
- Steven Wright
==============
~~~ Strap on that feeder bag! ~~~
The History of the Granola Bar
The granola bar, the staple
food of politically correct activists,
is deeply rooted in the history of the
pioneers. The pioneers
commonly spent 20 hours a day clearing
the land and planting crops,
and naturally, worked up quite a sweat.
After a refreshing "cooler,"
a dip of the head in an ice cold river,
they resumed their productive
labours. Their first crops, barley,
rye, wheat, oats, etc. comprised
the main ingredients for granola.
Those who did not find it palatable
used it for fodder, which was quite popular
with horses. The decline
of the equine population produced a surplus of
granola in the 1960's,
which drove down prices on the futures market.
Sold at sub-culture
health food stores at bulk prices, it was popular
amongst hippies, who
ate it for energy between war protest demonstrations
and sit-ins, and
threw it instead of rice at weddings as an anti-
establishment statement.
In the 1970's, a disillusioned
Yippie-turned-Yuppie MBA student
inadvertently left some granola in his
jeans when he did his laundry.
With a keen eye for a quick buck, he marketed
the result as the
"granola bar." The original flavours
were raison, peanuts, chocolate
chip, and just plain granola. They
were staggeringly popular with
campers and hikers as a ready source of
energy, and emergency
substitute tent pegs. In the 1980's,
the hikers became soft and turned
Club-Med. They developed a taste for the life
of ease: instant tellers,
cellular phones, microwave dinners, scratch &
win lottery tickets, faxed
letters, twist-top wine coolers, and effortless
success. Pushed by
market forces, granola bar engineers toiled
for hours in research and
development labs to develop soft, easily
gulpable granola bars which
required little effort to chew and posed
no hazard to dental caps.
Now in the 1990's, public
demand is forcing the same artificially
flavoured fate as befell yogurt and coolers
upon the granola bar.
Trendy exclusively granola bar health food
restaurants will soon be
serving 99 exotic flavours such as asparagus,
broccoli, cappuccino,
chocolate fondue dip, pasta, quiche, sea-weed,
Spam, spinach, yogurt,
and caffeine-laced power bars.
Horses, of course, will no
longer touch the stuff.
=====
From: Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hunting
* It'll be hunting season soon here in the US
with the usual number
of shooting accidents. Last year
in Howard County, a hunter was
climbing thru a fence with his gun cocked.
He was survived by
his wife, two children and three deer.
- - - - -
* An exhausted hunter out in the
wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am
I glad to see you." he said. "I've been
lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend."
the other hunter replied. "I've
been lost for three weeks."
- - - - -
* An English hunter came upon a lovely
young lady, completely nude,
cavorting in a lake. The hunter
said, "I beg your pardon m'Lady,
I'm looking for game."
The young lass smiled and
said, "Well... I'm game." So he shot her.
- - - - -
* Some men go on a hunting trip and
separate into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp
alone toting a 12 point
buck. "Where's George ?" one of
the men asked, noticing that Sam
had returned alone.
"He's about 6 miles back.
He tripped and broke his ankle. I
left him there 'cause I figured ain't
nobody 'bout to steal him."
- - - - -
* After listening to the exploits
of a braggart about his hunting
skills, I managed to inject, "My favorite
sport was tiger hunting
in Africa."
"My dear sir..." he began,
using his most condescending voice,
"there are NO tigers in Africa."
Assuming a posture of extreme
indignation, I replied, "Well of
course not ! Not NOW !!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - -
A certain man had a daughter who was...how do
I say this
tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt
to marry her
off, this man found a available young gentleman
by the name
of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with
the promise
of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at
the girl during
the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no
amount of money
would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which
just goes
to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter,
but you can't
make him wink.
------------------
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet
up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it.
Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid
for." - England manager Graham Taylor
before the 1992 European championships. England
didn't win a game.
.
"I have always found strangers sexy." -
Hugh Grant, six months before he was
arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister,
dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out."
- MGM memo after first showing of
The Wizard Of Oz.
.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills
or else get married." -
Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in
1944.
.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly
a hoax". "The aeroplane is
scientifically impossible." - Royal Society
president
Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck."
- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made
a nickel." - MGM executive,
advising against investing in Gone With
The Wind.
.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald.
Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict
on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but
it will never work." -Professor of Aeronautical
Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's
plan for the jet engine.
.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS
in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation
in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301
cases.
.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The
Duke of Edinburgh in Canada,
1965. They went on to produce a string
of No 1s.
.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and
I speak as an expert in
explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy
in 1945.
.
"All saved from Titanic after collision."
- New York Evening Sun, April 15, 1912.
.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald."
- Berlin professor, 1914.
.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime
or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
.
"Everything that can be invented has already
been invented." - director of the
US Patent Office, 1899.
.
"And for the tourist who really wants to
get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam."
- Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays
for the late 1960s.
-------------------
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few days later the
doctor saw the man walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor met him again,
and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you? That was quite the gorgeous
young lady I saw you with!"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor,
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you
got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Somewhere in America, next week......
-----------------------------------
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
Dad - There's a scratch down the side of
the car. Did you do it?
Son - I don't believe, if I understand
the definition of "scratch
the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday,
and you drove the car last night,
and no one else has driven it since. How can
you explain the scratch?
Son - Well, as I've said before, I have
no recollection of scratching
the car. While it is true that I did take
the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she
saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard aloud
scraping sound, saw you get out to
examine the car, and then drive away. So again
I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch
the car?
Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence
to prove I scratched it.
Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car.
I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.
Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't
drive the car into the mailbox?
Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to
drive the car into the street.
I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct
contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad - So you are then saying that you did
hit the mailbox?
Son - No sir, that's not my statement.
I'll refer you back to my original