LAUGHTER HEALS ALL WOUNDS
0R
(LAUGHTER WOUNDS ALL HEELS)

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>>>> >>0=========================0<< <<<<

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A LAUGH A HOUR
JOKE OF THE DAY
Long - Long - Long - Long - Long - Long List of Laugh Links

SURREALISTIC THOUGHTS
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
* If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone.  I said, "The whole time."
* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of
the water?
* I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me
are furious.
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
* Why do they wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>> >>>0======000=========000======0<<< <<

CATS
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."  --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."  --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this."  --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."  --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."  --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."  --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another."  --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."  --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They are all owned by cats."  --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.  The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:  music and cats."  --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."  --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human.  Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."  --Colette
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
>> >>>0======000=========000======0<<< <<

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have
some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".  The teacher leaned over and said quietly to little
Mary,  "We don't say that in school." Little Mary looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big
and she said, "Not even when things are all f%&*ed up?!"
0=========================0

DILBERT QUOTES
A magazine ran a 'Dilbert quote' contest. These are REAL quotes from managers out there.

* As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

* What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
* How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
_____________________________________________________________________
This project is so important, we cannot let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
_____________________________________________________________________
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
_____________________________________________________________________
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
_____________________________________________________________________
Email is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be used only for company business.
0========0

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that
hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time,
so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
morning son."  "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<

4 men are escaping Germany in WWII.  They arrive in the dark of night at a narrow bridge leading
to freedom.  They chose this night because of a rare gap in the security patrols' schedule - the bridge
 will be unguarded for exactly 17 minutes!
The bridge is treacherous, and requires a flashlight to get across without falling off.  The 4 men have
only one flashlight, but the bridge can only support 2 men at a time!  So after the first two men cross,
one will have to walk the flashlight back before more can cross over to freedom!
Even though it takes only 1 minute to cross the bridge, three of the men are injured and must walk
slower.  A pair crossing together must walk at the rate of the slower man's pace, as follows:
   Man 1:  1 minute  to cross
    Man 2:  2 minutes to cross
    Man 3:  5 minutes to cross
    Man 4: 10 minutes to cross
 For example: if Man 1 and Man 4 walk across first, 10 Minutes have elapsed when they get to the other
side of the bridge.  If Man 4 returns with the flashlight, a total of 20 minutes have passed, and only
one man has his freedom. - See how quickly you can solve this!
 (BTW: This question is sometimes asked by interviewers at Microsoft.)
0=====00=====00=====0

X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety
of my country.  As a result of the war, corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in
high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign . . .
until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands, and the Republic is destroyed.  I feel at this moment
more anxiety for the safety of my country than ever before, even in the midst of the war.
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
@~~+0<>=====<>0+~~@

The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get
it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is
it?"  Mr. Cohen turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, Honey."
0<>==========<>0

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be
a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round
and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion
from themselves. Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed,
"Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the
outhouse this afternoon." At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely
and sent them to bed without supper. In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast
table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned
your lesson?" "Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George
Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven
because he told the truth." "Ah yes!' said the farmer,
"BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"
0<>==========<>0

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former
lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a
costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
0<>==========<>0

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant
welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than
real friendship or personal affection.  One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the
morning paper and turns to theObits page.  He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own
obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several
months earlier,was in preparation for thisevent. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry
from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers,
"Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's
in the paper?" "Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here,
so what's in page 31?" "Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain
in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Jake, read the story on the
bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line
quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"
0<>==========<>0

LISTED BELOW ARE A COUPLE OF FUNNY URLS


http://www.weblampoon.com/archive/September/Monicanun.htm
http://www.intellectualcapital.com/issues/98/1217/iclem.asp
http://www.clintonjokes.com/

0<>==========<>0

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after
the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more moneythan they
were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was
annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's
a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of
something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During
the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in
great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and
we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=--==--==--==--==--==--==--=
Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first
 kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
 The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
 to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you
 lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I
couldn't walk for a year!"
=--====--=

The Rules of Writing
1.  Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2.  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4.  It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5.  Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6.  Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7.  Be more or less specific.
8.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9.  Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
    should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
    Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
    hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over
several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said.
"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit,
I feel I have to call it to your attention."
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
   sand?
A. Not enough sand.
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

Blooper News
Thieves escaped with over half a million dollars from a bank last night.
Police are baffled and trying to figure out the motive for the crime.

000------------------------------000

        Half an hour after the farmer's wife had told the children to get the
butter churned for dinner, she found them sitting and staring at a big fat worm.
        "Why aren't you churning instead of staring at that thing?" she demanded.
         Shucks, Ma," explained the oldest, We were hoping that . . .the worm would churn!"
(By John Fenn in The Pundit)
The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission,   I got set to
work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog
to buy some. On the way, he passed a book store and, being intrigued by a display
in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The
point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . .
he'll get verse before he gets butter!"                 (By Carl Hessin The Pundit)
+===---------------------------===+

 A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.  She prepared her will and
made her final arraignments.  As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to
talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second,  she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
0=====0+0=====0+0=====0

MEN AND WOMEN - PART 3 OF 3
* It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
* I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
* I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
* I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
* I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
* I was engaged myself once… to a contortionist. But she broke it off.
* Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

* Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
* Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!

* Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
* Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six-inch installments.
* Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
* Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.
* Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
* Make love, not war, or do both: get married.
* Man and wife make one fool.
_____________________________________________________________________
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.........
But she can never catch him at it.
_____________________________________________________________________
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age....
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
_____________________________________________________________________
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and
I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
_____________________________________________________________________
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere,
respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in
life as me.......  Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
_____________________________________________________________________
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as
simple as a pack of wild dogs.
_____________________________________________________________________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say.......  Talk in your sleep.
_____________________________________________________________________
Look the bride in the eye and ask........
'If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM?'
000===000===000===000

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign
(including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages .... from God.
This non-denominational campaign started in September sponsored by an anonymous client.
1.   "Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game " - God
2.   "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids " -  God
3.   "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - God
4.   "We Need To Talk" - God
5.   "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - God
6.   "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - God
7.   "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - God
8.   "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - God
9.   "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - God
10.  "Follow Me." - God
11.  "Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding." - God
12.  "My Way Is The Highway." - God
13.  "Need Directions?" - God
14.  "You Think It's Hot Here?" - God
15.  "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - God
16.  "Need a Marriage Counselor?  I'm Available." - God
17.  "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller?  There Will Be A Test." - God
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns
          recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s
          peg-leg, hook, and eye patch. The sailor asks "So, how
          did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off
          the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as
          they were pullin` me out, a school of sharks appeared
          and one of `em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin` a trader
          ship, pistols blastin` and swords swingin` this way and
          that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the
          eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin` fell into me eye", answered the
          pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor
          asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the
          hook."
000===000===000===000

The Bible According to Kids
* In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
*Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
*Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
*Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
*Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
  bread which is bread without any ingredients.
*Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
 *The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
*The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
 *The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
* Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
*Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
*The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
*Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
*When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
*When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger.
*Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
*Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
*It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
*The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
*The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
*A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

Top 10 List Of Songs To Replace "Hail To The Chief" When
Introducing President Clinton:

10 - "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac
9 - "Afternoon Delight" by Star Land Vocal Band
8 - "Your Cheatin' Heart" by Hank Williams
7 - "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places"
6 - "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees
5 - "Honesty (is Such a Lonely Word)" by Billy Joel
4 - "(You Can't Hide Your) Lying Eyes" by The Eagles
3 - "Ocean Front Property (in Arizona)" by George Strait
2 - "I'd Lie to You for Your Love" by The Bellamy Brothers
1 - "Devil with the Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels
000===000===000===000

A TWIST ON PHILOSOPHY

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
   messes up your stuff,
   eats your food,
   uses your telephone,
   takes your money,
   and never behaves as if you actually set it free
   in the first place .  .   .
You either married it or gave birth to it.
**************************************

SHORT ONES (OF SORTS)

* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.
* In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
* I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
* What food reduces a woman's sex drive by some 90%?
  WEDDING CAKE
* New York’s Grand Central Station recently received a
$ 200 million-dollar make-over. The last American landmark
that needed that much work was Paula Jones
**************************************
 

COMPUTER GAME CHARACTER FILES HARASSMENT SUIT
    - Written by Harry Widoff of Joke-Of-The-Day.com
______________________________________________________________
CYBERSPACE - DEC 26 - Copyright 1998 JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com Newswire

Are the rumors true that Lara Croft the star of Tomb Raider
I and II (the world's hottest video games), was forced to
submit to CGI-Surgery (Computer Graphic Imaging)to have her
breasts enlarged before being allowed to appear in Tomb
Raider III.

NOTE: If you have never heard of Tomb Raider or Lara,
just ask your kids, someone else's kids or any kid you
see engrossed 10 hours a day in front of a computer monitor,
who just got the

Lara's press agent said that the law firm of Null,
Ampersand, Backslash, and ASCII were being retained to
respond to issues' the computer game starlet has
brought forward.

Lara commented that in Tomb Raider III she had even more
underwater caves and caverns to swim through, "...and that
even with being a non-smoker and having good lung capacity,
it was hard enough doing my own stunts, without having to
add hidden weights to keep me submerged. I do a lot of
underwater work, and have to swim hard and fast, implants
would be a hindrance. In my current contract, I still
don't have all the freedom I feel I should have...being
that I made Lara what she is. I can't start 'bobbing' to
the surface if I have 30 yards to swim underwater." stated Lara.

How far are Computer Game Developers going to go with
graphical re-engineering of characters. How much more
will the characters put up with. "This is most definitely
a trend we will see more of in the future" commented
Sonya Blade (star of the Mortal Combat series)
when asked about the recent events surrounding Lara.

Lara has been seen on both coasts at various hot spots.
She has been seen dining with the CEO of Spectrum Holobyte,
and shooting pool with programmers from Acclaim Entertainment.

In a related rumor, Eidos Interactive, (Lara's Producer)
has been accused of subsidizing the price of large screen
computer monitors. These rumors are partly based on the
recent dramatic price drops in 17" - 21" video monitors,
and the direct correlation, according to Goldman Sachs, of
the increase in Lara's breast size to the increase
in the stock price of Eidos Interactive.

The 60% price drop has prompted investigation by The
Department of Justice and Attorney General Janet Reno.
Eidos attorneys have argued that Janet Reno is just
jealous of all the attention that Lara is getting.

Currently, Lara is visiting a Virtual Chiropractor
to receive therapy for lower back pain.

Comment of other LARA funnies.
Email us at:   mailto:LARA@joke-Of-the-day.com
>>0=====0=====0=====0<<

 Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find
 themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are
 each asked a question by St. Peter.

 "When you are in your casket and friends and family are
 mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
 about you?", asks St. Peter.

 The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I
 was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

 The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
 wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
 difference in our children of tomorrow."

 The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......
 LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
@~~+0<>=====<>0+~~@

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Two times
a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She
goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!"
So what did I do?  Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's.
I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"
My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost
weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
"No," they said, "jump in!"
========

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the
 services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and  talking about their lives, their families, etc.  Suddenly,
Satan  appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming

and  running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic  effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was
evacuated  from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in  his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and
said,  "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
 "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
 Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't
you  afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over
48  years!"
=======

 "Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve
   your doubts; for if you let it pass, the desire may never return,
   and you may remain in ignorance."                 - William Wirt
 

                     ~~~  Watch what you say!  ~~~

    A man was captured by an Indian tribe.  The chief told him that
 because he was an intruder, he would have to die.  He had two ways
 of dying.  If the next thing he said was a true statement, he would
 be thrown off a cliff.  If he said a statement that was false, he
 would be eaten by lions.

    What can the man say that would make the chief let him go?

                             - Answer at: <file-answer2@laughalot.com>
=========

Hey Guy, You Think You've Got Problems...

- imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him
  to wear the plants in the family

- imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress,
  and another twenty to remember why

- suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book...
  your eyes go bad

- suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to know...
  it's her daughter

_ imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous
  and they make you a chapter

- suppose two of the world's greatest movers and shakers
  move into the apartment above you

- suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives...
  and your house only has six bathrooms

- imagine you get a great color from going to the beach...
  but it's blue from holding your stomach in

- imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in...
  and you already are

- suppose you go to a carnival...
  and a fortune teller offers to read your face

- suppose you married a girl because she looked like a siren
  but now, she only sounds like one
- - - - - - - - - - - - -

 A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
 store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get
 anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman
 before?"  "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.  The
 boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll
 come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"  "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss.
 "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale
 worth?"  "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars,"
 said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish
 hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold
him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one.  "I asked him
 where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would
 probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold
 him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the
car department and sold him a new SUV."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No,"  answered the salesman.  "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
 his wife and I said to him,   "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
-----------------

Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat.  And one day, a guy ran over the
cat with his horse drawn carriage.  So, the man went to the old woman and said..
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"So how good are you at catching mice?"
-------------------
 

"Welcome to a place beyond imagination, a place fraught with dangerous ideas and people,
a place where if your not careful - you might actually learn something. You have entered..........
                    {REQUISITE DRAMATIC PAUSE...........}
  THE LIBRARY ZONE!"

 The place, an innocent academic library setting in a small isolate rural
 area. In this place our Mr. Magoo (name changed to protect the innocent) is
 sitting at the reference desk after helping a patron, I mean a customer,
 no a client, we meant to say an end-user, whups we meant the "chosen
 individual without whom the libraries need for existence is not justified
 and thus we would not be able to serve them", so I guess well just say a
 person. (Back to our exciting episode)

 Mr. Magoo is innocently trying to classify some new video titles on the form
 to be included in the new title listing, between helping patrons - no one
 track mind here despite the persons changed name - and attending to other
 persons needs. While perusing the title list, a braying yet loud laugh
 explodes from directly behind the poor man at his station.

 A gentleman behind him is watching two new persons who had come in to use
 the stapler at the supplies table in the front of the library. But they did
 not come in to use the stapler to fasten papers together - no sir!  These
 two bright young students have come in to use the stapler in a much more
 creative way. They are using the staples to fasten together ripped portions
 of one students pants, right on the posterior, first the left pocket is
 fastened back on to the pants, then the ripped seam is closed on the left
 side, and finally center/main seam is successfully reinforced in the back.
 Unfortunately, some of the staples penetrate the thick blue jean fabric and
 cause some penetratingly painful expressions and expletives from one of
 these creative artists. With much pulling and tugging and the convenient use
 of a staple remover they remove said staples and close the seam with new
 ones. Upon finishing the two walk nonchalantly out of the library through
 the front entrance, one having a peculiar and swaying style of walking,
 almost an exaggerated strut.....

 And our poor Mr. Magoo? He could simply stare and watch in unbelieving
 disbelief at what they were doing until several other persons in the area
 saw what the two students were doing and broke out into laughter of amost
 infectious kind. He had no choice but to join them, what was happening was
 too outlandish.... Have any of the rest of you ever had such truly bizarre
 happenings and behaviors of such a nature happen to you personally in your
 libraries as well? This just happened in our library tonight!
---------------------

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven
dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights"
she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began
standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one
whocould see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was
doing.  After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's
taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followedby
the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and
the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!"
which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone
coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the
next dwarf tothe bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too."
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
-----------

Shakespere meets Lukas:   "R2, R2, wherefore art you?"
--------------------

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to
China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every
time . . .  they have accepted my American Express."
-----------------

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks.  "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden
ball from a nearby drawer, "just place this between your cheek and gum."
     The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds
with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few
strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
 "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
------------------------------

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania.  They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted  highway.  It was late, and raining very hard.  Bob
could barely see 10  feet in  front of the car. suddenly the car skids
out of control!   Bob attempts to  control the car, but to no avail!
The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.  Dazed, he looks
over at  the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with
her head bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob
knows he has to carry her  to  the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road,
After a short while, he sees a light.  He heads towards the light, which
is coming from an old, large house.  He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes.  A small, hunched man opens the door.  Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello,  my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife
Betty.  We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
seriously hurt Can  I  please use your phone??
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.  My
master is  a  doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.  An elegant man comes down the stairs.  "I'm
afraid my  assistant may have misled you.  I am not a medical doctor;
I am a scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and
I have had a basic medical training.  I will see what I can do.  Igor,
bring them down to the  laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely.  Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob onan adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.  "things are
serious,  Igor.  Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work
feverishly, but  to no  avail.  Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his  conservatory, which houses his pipe organ.  For it is here
that he has  always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost haunting,  melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.  As the music fills the lab, his
eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand
twitch.  Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise!  He is furthur
amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.......The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
======

THE F WORD
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today
is the word 'Fuck'. It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe
pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, 'fuck' falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb,
both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),
or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection
(Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction
(Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words
with the overall versatility of the word 'Fuck'..
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used
to describe many situations:

1. Greetings...........'How the fuck are ya?'
2. Fraud...............'I got fucked by the car dealer.'
3. Resignation.........'Oh, fuck it!'
4. Trouble.............'I guess I'm fucked now.'
5. Aggression..........'FUCK YOU!'
6. Disgust.............'Fuck me.'
7. Confusion...........'What the fuck.......?'
8. Difficulty..........'I don't understand this fucking business!'
9. Despair.............'Fucked again...'
10. Pleasure...........'I fucking couldn't be happier.'
11. Displeasure........'What the fuck is going on here?'
12. Lost................'Where the fuck are we.'
13. Disbelief...........'FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE!'
14. Retaliation.........'Up your fucking ass!'
15. Denial..............'I didn't fucking do it.'
16. Perplexity.........'I know fuck all about it.'
17. Apathy.............'Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?'
18. Suspicion...........'Who the fuck are you?'
19. Panic...............'Let's get the fuck out of here.'
20. Directions..........'Fuck off.'
21. Disbelief...........'How the fuck did you do that?'
_____________________________________________________________________
Other Uses:
* It can be used in an anatomical description- 'He's a fucking asshole.'
* It can be used to tell time- 'It's five fucking thirty.'
* It can be used in business- 'How did I wind up with this fucking job?'
* It can be maternal- 'Mother Fucker.'
* It can be political- 'Fuck Bill Clinton!'
_____________________________________________________________________
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
* 'I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.'... John F. Kennedy
* 'What the fuck was that?'........................................Mayor of Hiroshima
* 'Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'...............General Custer
* 'Where the fuck is all this water coming from?'................Captain of theTitanic
* 'That's not a real fucking gun.'..................................John Lennon
* 'Who's gonna fucking find out?'..................................Richard Nixon
* 'Heads are going to fucking roll.'................................Anne Boleyn
* 'Let the fucking woman drive.'...................................Commander of Space Shuttle
* 'Any fucking idiot could understand that.'......................Albert Einstein
* 'It does so fucking look like her!'...............................Picasso
* 'How the fuck did you work that out?'.........................Pythagoras
* 'You want what on the fucking ceiling?'.........................Michaelangelo
* 'Fuck a duck.'....................................................Walt Disney
* 'Why?- Because it's fucking there!'...........................Edmund Hilary
* 'I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?'......................Joanof Arc
* 'Scattered fucking showers my ass.'..........................Noah
=======

Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

* "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
     - Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury
* "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic."
     - Texas Rep. Renal Rosson
* "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
=======

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY

 After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My
boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"  Thinking that he was just
kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He
replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
=======

The Devil and the Golfer

     A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
a coupleof strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right
frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only
get an eagle on this hole."  The same stranger moves to his side and
says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer
shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to
win.Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
 The golfer says, "Certainly."  And makes the eagle.As the golfer
walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You
know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I
am.  I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
00==000=====000==00
25 things I have learned in 50 years  (by Dave Barry)
 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
    reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense
    of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East
Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic
background, is that, deep down  inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
    a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms.
When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions
    of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
   YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show.
The next time they need an idea, computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE
LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
    ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT."  And so on.  We need
    to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
 * The universe is even bigger than they thought!
 * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
 * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word  would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks.
For example:
 * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned
that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
 * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between
these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
 * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats,
Nike wants you to disregard the fac that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
 * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on"
date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver
a message to humanity, He will  not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution
and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
0><>>000=======000<<><0

"HALLOWEEN: Have you seen the Ken Starr costume? It costs $40 million and looks like a cheap suit."
0><>>000=======000<<><0

Shaken Not Stirred: "The Guinness Book of Films says the best line ever
heard in a movie theater is 'Bond...James Bond.' The second-best line:

Tonight's showing of 'The Avengers' has been canceled."

Uma-Oprah: "If the Department of Justice succeeds with Microsoft, they will
reportedly go on to break up Oprah Winfrey.

The Unabrother: The Unabomber's brother is trying to persuade the government not to impose
taxes on his $1-million reward for turning in his sibling so more money can go to the victims.
"However, the IRS seems confused about the issues.  It's insisting that taxes must always be paid
when you break a family trust."

Wish-Seekers: Richard Simmons is returning to TV next fall in a show called "Dream Maker," where
contestants will see their fondest wishes come true. "Richard could make a lot of fond wishes come true
if he'd just put on a shirt and a pair of pants."

Falling Stars: According to Parade magazine, there are no new actor in the action-adventure genre as studios
scramble to find suitable scripts for Arnold Schwarzenegger, 51; Sylvester Stallone, 52; and Mel Gibson, 42.

"Their best hope seems to be a script now in development at Universal called
'Grumpy Old Action Heroes.'"
=======

 Microsoft will announce tomorrow that Windows NT 5.0, its upcoming operating system for corporations,
will be renamed Windows 2000, sources say. Brad Chase, vice president of Windows marketing and developer
relations for Microsoft, is expected to make the announcement, sources say.  Microsoft was widely expected to
use the brand name for the consumer version of Windows NT, which is still three or four years away.  Microsoft
would not confirm or deny the name change for the delayed upgraded corporate operating system.  It is unclear
whether Windows 2000 will refer to both the server and client components of NT 5.0.
~~~~~
But, what does this really mean?

Does Windows 2000 refer to:

a. The year it is finally released;
b. The number of megabytes of ram the system needs to load;
c. The number of terabytes the System32 directory will need;
d. The projected cost to upgrade one Windows NT 4.0 machine to be able to run WIndows 2000;
e. The projected cost of the software itself;
f. The cost of one call to Microsoft's technical support team;
g. The number of minutes to load the new OS;
h. The number of servers that will simultaneously crash when the network is brought up the first time;
i. The number of services packs that will be released in the first week; or
j. The number of current mission critical software packages that won't run unless you buy an upgrade.
0><>>000=======000<<><0
 

              TODAY'S JOKE - October 28, 1998
                PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
                  - Written by Will Snyder
                   of Joke-Of-The-Day.com
                =============================
1. If a man employs you to be the driver of his rented
vans, and the routes include major landmarks like the
UN building, be sure you take the job.  Often service
employment has great benefits.
2. If you come home and your girlfriend is with another
lover that is twice your size try to ignore him or at
last avoid threatening him for five days.  After that
the waiting period on your hand gun will be over with.
3. Remember, when a woman in a short, sequined skirt
approaches you on a street corner and asks for a
good time, direct her to the nearest Disney Store
as it always seems to be full of happiness.
4. If a dirty bum offers to sell you some “rock” go ahead
and buy it.  You'll be performing a philanthropic act
while getting a new addition to your geology collection.
Maybe one day you could file it down and have it put on a ring.
5. If a fundamentalist Bible belt minister tells you that
you are the anti-christ don't take it personally.  Put it
on a business card, maybe you can make a business
connection with other underworld entities.
0=====0

Subject: Hippies
I usually do jokes about the 50's because there wasn't much
humorous in the US during the 60's, except for the hippies:
* Male Hippies were the guys with the long hair.  Actually, it
  probably came in handy -- they didn't have to buy shirts
* It really bothered me seeing them comb their shoulder length
  hair around food -- and the girls were just as bad
* Every morning at the bus & train stations you could see the
  hippie chicks using the rest rooms to dirty-up a little
* The hippie chicks of that era really didn't have much taste
  in clothes -- I'd seen poultry dressed better
* And all of the hippies could carry their medicine cabinets
  right along with them -- in brown paper bags
* I'm not sure which was worst, their body odor or their breath;
  with all the drugs used, if they breathed on ya, you'd go limp
* There's still some old hippies around, but instead of drugs,
  they're snorting prunes and Maalox now
* Even back then, the hippies tried to legalize marijuana;
  but... they kept forgetting where they left the petitions
* One hippie mixed the ashes from his cremated ex with pot --
  said it was the only time she ever made him feel good

- - - - - - - - - - - -
Two Jewish mothers meet for coffee.

"Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my Abie has married a slut! She doesn't get
out of bed until 11, she's out all day spending his money on God
knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a
nice hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner
at an expensive restaurant."
"And Esther?"
"Ah! Esther has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he
gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening
he takes her out to dinner at a smart restaurant.
-------

Subject: She Was So Blonde That.... (off. to blondes)

 - she thought TuPac Shakur was a jewish holiday
 - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
 - she thought a quarterback was a refund
 - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
 - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
 - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
 - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
 - she tried to drown a fish
 - she tripped over a cordless phone
 - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
 - she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
 - she got stabbed in a shoot-out
 - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
 - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
 - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
 - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
 - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
 - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
 - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
 - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
 - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
 - she studied for a blood test - and failed
 - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
 - she sold the car for gas money
 - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
 - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
 - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
 - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
 - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
-------------------

Subject: If Microsoft Made Toasters
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the
good bread only works with their toasters.
-----------

If Men Ruled The World...
....Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
....Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
....Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
....When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.
....Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice  hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would
pretty much do it.
....Birth control would come in ale or lager.
....You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
....Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL  team of your choice.
....The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
...."Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
....At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down
the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
....It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
....Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the  "public ugliness" ordinance.
....Tanks would be far easier to rent.
....Garbage would take itself out.
....Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
....Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
....Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
....On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow,  you'd get the day off  to go drinking.
....St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
...."Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to  the pursuing cops... Or to the crooks.
....Two words: Ally McNaked.
....Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and  pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the
most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
....The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different
Camera Angle."
....It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
....Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
....When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: - Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" - You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer
all over the place." - Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
....Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
....Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
....Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of  conversation.
**************

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'Shit!  A truck!"
-------------------

We all know those cute little computer symbols called  "emoticons,"
where   :) means a smile and  :( is a frown.Sometimes these are
represented by  :-)   and :-( respectively.  Well, how about some
"asscons"?

     Here goes:

            (_!_)     a regular ass

 (__!__)   a fat ass

(!)       a tight ass

(_._)     a flat ass

(_^^_)    a bubble ass

(_*_)     a sore ass

(_!__)    a lop-sided ass

{_!_}     a swishy ass

(_o_)     an ass that's been around

(_O_)     an ass that's been around even more

(_x_)     kiss my ass

(_X_)     leave my ass alone

 (_zzz_)    a tired ass

(_o^^o_)   a wise ass

(_13_)     an unlucky ass

(_$_)      Money coming out of his ass

 (_?_)      Dumb Ass
0=====0+0=====0+0=====0

1.  Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport
hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2.  A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off
each other's head.

3.  A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job.  According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers  suffered minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.  Thirteen others
fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling
off a chair while watching the film.

4.  The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5.  A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6.  Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be
copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7.  A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery.  At  lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8.  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9.  When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police.  They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10.  A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.

11.  An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo: During the final days at
Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.  A
single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got
to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at the gate
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him determine his
identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."  The man retreated as the people in the
terminal applauded loudly.
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

 "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an
 experimental  procedure.  It might work, but the bad news is that brains are
 very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
 "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
 "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
 Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men
 nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter
asked,  "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
 "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains
 have to be marked down because they are used.".
=--==--==--==--==--==--==--=

What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle? A weekend.
============================================

It only rains twice a year in Seattle:  August through April and May through July.
============================================

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?  An extra hour of rain.
============================================

What's the definition of a Seattle optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.
============================================

What did the Seattle native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?Nice tan.
============================================

"I can't believe it," said the tourist. "I've been here an entire week and
it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?"
"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local. "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."
============================================

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long,
long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to
Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of
hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the
better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, there, Your Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, and I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing some people
aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah," Satan said with a grin. "Those are Seattle-ites. I'm letting them dry
out so they'll burn."
============================================

Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet
your maker." The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientists have done all they
can. The end is near." The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather,
this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
============================================

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and
it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He
goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid,
does it ever stop raining around here? "The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."
>>0=====0=====0=====0<<

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash
cards, special learning centers.   In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school.  After the first day, Little Tommy came home with a very serious
look on his face.  He didn't kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying. His mother was amazed.  She called him to dinner.  To her shock, the minute
he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the
books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.  Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.  With great trepidation,
his mom looked at it.  To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.  She could no longer hold
her curiousity.  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy
looked at her and shook his head, "No!"  "Well, then," she asked, "was it the books, the discipline,
the structure, the uniforms?  WHAT was it? "Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the
first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
============================================

59 ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES (COLLECTED BY JOURNALISTS)
  1.  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  2.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  3.  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
      Belted
  4.  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  5.  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  6.  Farmer Bill Dies in House
  7.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  8.  Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  9.  Stud Tires Out
  10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  15. Eye Drops off Shelf
  16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
  29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
  30. War Dims Hope for Peace
  31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  35. Deer Kill 17,000
  36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  50. Air Head Fired
  51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
  52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
  53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
  55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
  59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves
>>0=====0=====0=====0<<

CATS

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."  --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."  --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this."  --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."  --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."  --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."  --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another."  --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."  --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They are all owned by cats."  --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.  The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:  music and cats."  --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."  --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human.  Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."  --Colette
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
 
 


 

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last edited on 05-4-2003