Time to tee off for a game of Golf


A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle.
When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into
the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him.
It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

The Irish Golfer

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and thegolfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun.  I will grant you three wishes."  The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that  I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on
the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says,  "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The
golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun
is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

---------- CarpeDiem

 Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.  Stevie mentions that they ought to get together
and play a few holes.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."
 "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of
his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down behind the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.
 Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for  money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you  like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

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